Jump to content

How do you even prepare?


Recommended Posts

  • Members

Im just curious if anyone has ever planned ahead for your own death or for a loved one? What did you do and did it help the grieving process? 

  • Like 1
Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Members

I haven't planned for any death until now. My mama is currently in the CCU with congestive heart failure and we're discussing matters with a palliative care nurse. As for things like burial and funeral, I am still trying to find out more about that. We have some friends and a few out of state relatives that may be coming to her small funeral and/or a memorial service.

This is all so sudden and new. I am still in the anticipatory grief stage, but in my experience, planning for a death and funeral is not helping my grieving process at all.

  • Like 1
Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Members

I have too much experience with this.

-My father put a lot of effort into preparing to die when he was diagnosed with cancer. He wanted my mom in a house that was easier to take care of and one that would see her into her old age. He wanted to not die before my brother's wedding (he didn't want to 'ruin' it). Hie preparations were important to him.

-My mother made sure he will was up to date, told us how to divide up her personal belongings and even wrote her own obituary. In her case it was because she had given up.

-My husband was different he had surgery before we had a chance to get much done after his medical retirement and a couple of surgeries he made sure to have a will, power of attorney, & DNR but he put all of his energy into living and avoided any discussion of end of life issues etc. We even had a surprise baby. I made sure my name was on almost everything and made the decision to not press the issue and just be there for him. It must have worked because he lived a LOT longer than anyone predicted. In some ways I wish everything was more planned for because I was in no shape to make any decisions (still am not).

What I have learned. You need to do what is best for you and you loved ones. I think that if there are minor children involved there needs to be more preparation to make sure they are taken care of but other than that follow the lead fo the person who is dying. They may not want to think about it or they may feel the need to plan; they will make it clear what they need.  

 

  • Like 2
Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Members

Dear Maria,

For both my parents, we prepared a will. And for myself, I have done the same thing. 

For my father we also purchased this plot at the cemetery. He told my sister he wanted to be buried.

I guess taking care of the paperwork gives a little piece of mind. But I don't think it helped me in the grieving process, I was still terribly raw and upset. I wanted to stay in denial when my father passed. To this day, I blame myself for not doing enough for him. 

Brok said it best and we can only do the best we can.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Members
Luminescense

Personally, at this point, the most I've done is create a last will & testament as well as an advanced directive for myself and my husband. I hope to be able to tack on life insurance and more information to put together in a legacy box/folder in case, it can be daunting to face your own mortality, but is a relief to be prepared, too. To know that your loved ones will have as little work to do as possible.

I also have more written in the spoiler below (could be a trigger to others who have lost loved ones) - I am note sure how to add a spoiler button on here:

I can't say I've planned ahead for the death of a loved one, but I have been present in such times. My distant grandma and grandpa (distant only by miles, not by relationship) died when I was 9-10 years old and they spent their last days mostly at home. As a child, I was seeing them slowly die and my parents would be gathering much needed information around the home to prepare - bank account info and such. Planning which funeral home they would use and how to respect their wishes on where they wanted to be buried. After their death, it was trips to casket shops, purchasing the headstone, ordering flowers for the funeral, putting the obituary out there, visiting our deceased loved one in the funeral home, organizing their things - what to keep, donate, or throw away.

I learned how a lot of these things worked from an earlier age. Since my parents were planning after told their prognosis would not improve and starting to put in place what my grandparents wanted, there was a lot more ease to the process and less stress than there could've been.

Planning ahead can help with grieving and in some ways be comforting, and at other times, it can truly feel awful.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Join the conversation

You can post now and register later. If you have an account, sign in now to post with your account.

Guest
Reply to this topic...

×   Pasted as rich text.   Paste as plain text instead

  Only 75 emoji are allowed.

×   Your link has been automatically embedded.   Display as a link instead

×   Your previous content has been restored.   Clear editor

×   You cannot paste images directly. Upload or insert images from URL.

×
×
  • Create New...

Important Information

This site uses cookies We have placed cookies on your device to help make this website better. You can adjust your cookie settings, otherwise we'll assume you're okay to continue. and uses these terms of services Terms of Use.