Losing dad at 20- does it get better?

[lac26]

hi everyone, 

Sort of new to this whole platform but have been trying to find of new way to cope. I lost my dad this past january to covid, he would have been 62 about a week ago or so, and he had had many health issues before. He passed the day I began my spring semester classes at uni and I ended up missing about 5 weeks of class trying to wrap my head around the fact that he was no longer with us. I'm the second youngest of 8. My dad was undoubtedly the most important person in my life, I loved him more than anything. The last couple months have been the hardest. I have never felt this empty. I've been going to therapy, watching youtube videos on grief, and reading blogs but seem to feel the exact same way as I did when I got the news of his passing. Does it really get any better?

[reader]

Dear lac26,

I'm so sorry for your loss. Losing a parent is the hardest thing anyone can go through in life. Please don't be hard on yourself. For myself, I found the first year was the hardest. I cried an ocean of tears for my dad. My one counsellor said on average it takes about 18 months to feel the intensity of grief lessen.

I hope you'll surround yourself with kind and caring friends and family during this difficult time.

Please know we are with you. 

[smtry401]

i think the grief never goes away but it changes.... for me now that it's been 4 years, the bouts of just incomprehensible bottomless sobbing grief are rare. but seeing other young people talk about their both-alive-parents gets me both feeling jealous and alienated, holidays are always rough, and having new things happen in life that i can't share with my mom still sucks.

unfortunately, there will still be times where i can't work because something happened that set me off and now i'm crying all day, but society doesn't let you have time off for bereavement when it's been years and you're supposed to be "over it." personally, i think nothing is worse for the grieving process than feeling obligated to Get Over It faster, or Cope Better. it's just feelings and there's no right or wrong way to have those.

however, i do think there's a point at which you wouldn't necessarily want to go back to the way things were before.. good stuff still happens after a loss in the family, and you stop being the same person as you were at the time. my mom's death pushed me to finally seek out the therapy and antidepressants i'd been saying for years i was "about" to take care of, the time i took off of work was really beneficial to me in the long-run, and it improved my relationship with my dad. i guess life just goes on?? it's hokey but it's true.