Loss of adult son

[Lisa M.]

Hi everyone.   I continue having issues getting on the site.  It actually told me it was a malicious site.  This site has become a lifeline for me.  I feel so alone these days.  I relive Don's last days on earth  and my heart breaks again.   I miss him so much.  I really don't have any one to talk to that would understand, so I really feel sad when I can't get on here.  My thoughts are with you all.

[DeeDee61]

Hi Lisa. It has been a struggle to figure out how to move on.  I'm sorry you lost your son Don and I understand your heartbreak and your sadness.  It creeps up on me daily.  I am constantly thinking of my daughter, Chantel.  You are right, I feel that only parents who have lost children, whatever age, can understand the pain, sadness and all the other feelings we have.  I don't try and explain it to anyone, they are moving on with their lives, which makes sense, but is very lonely.  My biggest struggle is trying to find a reason to carry on.  Life just seems useless, there is no purpose.  I have to try really hard to find a reason to get up every morning and face the emptiness and sadness.  This site is a lifeline, we all understand.  My thoughts are constantly on the families on this site, I pray for their healing, I sometimes just pray they have a good day.  My thoughts will be for you and Don today.  I try and take one minute at a time......  Take care.  Dee Dee

[Jacqueline3]

Hello Lisa, I had to bookmark the first page when I joined because I couldn't find this site either.  I understand your continued struggle, I am so sorry for the loss of your Don.  It has been six months since I lost my Garrett and it continues to grow harder for me.  I too think of him every moment of the day and my heart breaks in a continual fluid movement.   When memories of that last horrible day come into my mind, I try to think of his laugh or something particularly endearing that he always did.   I would like to say it works all the time but there are times it helps a little.  My first thought every morning when I get awake is that Garrett isn't here and the well of sadness and despair is always ready to engulf me.  It is a chore to get up each day and find purpose, We are all here for you, I check this chat often as I cycle at the moment between unwavering sorrow and rage.  When my cycles of anger abate then my sadness and loss is even more pronounced...  It does help to talk or vent to others who do understand yet at the same time it makes me sad to know others are suffering like me.  My thoughts are with you Lisa,

Jackie

[Jacqueline3]

Evening to all.  I am thinking of everyone.  The days and nights are horrifically long and full of tears.  I am grappling worse for footing now than I was in the beginning of this horrific nightmare and I was crawling on my knees then.  I miss Garrett so damned much, I don't know how to live this life without my youngest child.   No one should have to suffer this way.

[DeeDee61]

Jacqueline - I'm so sorry and wish I had words to help ease your pain.  All I can do when the memories bring me to my knees is to do something mind numbing, like play video games or watch comedies on TV.  I try not to be alone with my thoughts too much when it hits me hard.  Evenings are hard and I stay up until I'm so tired that I have to sleep.  You are correct, no one should have to suffer this way.  Thinking of you and Garrett today.  Hugs and Love coming your way - Dee Dee

[Jacqueline3]

Thank You Dee Dee,  I have been sewing and painting and watching silly videos.  Thank you for talking to me, that helps so much.  The pain and grief are such horrible isolating feelings.   Love and hugs back to both you and Chantel.  Thank you again.

[Danielle Masata]

So sorry you've been having a really hard time Jackie.  Wish it gets easier, but over a year since we lost our son, I still feel grief is a roller coaster.  I'm now dealing with the double sadness of another overwhelming loss.  When I think of son, I think back to how hard his life was: the bullying was relentless, and his anxieties so much a part of his life since he was a toddler, and yet his potential was absolutely amazing.  Oh what could have been, and yet "we failed", and he lost.  Still, I don't want that to define him.  He was a beautiful man at so many levels, so kind, so curious, so smart, so creative.  And now?  I feel a sense of relief: I truly believe Patrick now rests in peace.  is it a coincidence that my husband died just one year and a few days after we lost Patrick?  I think not.  I feel they are now together, and he is, as always and indefinitely forever, helping our son.  And someday, all of us will be a family together again.  For now, as much as I want to be with Patrick and my husband, my role is to be an anchor for my surviving children.  They need me here.

[Michael Rodriguez]

its a roller coaster for all of us....one moment we are surviving our grief, one moment later we are back on our knees hurting for our child.

[Jacqueline3]

Dear Danielle, I think of you often dealing with the recent loss of your husband so soon after Patrick. and Michael I have been wondering if bringing B home has helped with your grief and given you more peace.   I am like you Danielle I do not believe in coincidence, yet it still can be so very painful.   I am not sure what has made these last two months so very unbearable because it wasn't like what came before was anywhere near easy.  I just know I am faltering badly.  I am so worried about Jolene as well but I am so proud of the progress she has made.  still much to go but given how bad she was in the hospital, I am beyond happy and she is still trying to help me.   Yet I feel like the pain and agony while always present take these massive tornado like surges and mercilessly rip through my body stripping away every defense, every comfort, every shield to expose the vacant emptiness and loss that now envelopes my life without Garrett.  I feel naked and raw as Garrett's absence beats at me like a tumbling mountain one rock at a time.   I do not know how to survive this... I need to be there for my girls and my husband but I feel as if I am only a shell of the woman I once was.  I was strong, happy capable and optimistic.... It is all gone.   I am in counseling, yet she barely says anything.... I cry and she listens.   I am lost...

[Michael Rodriguez]

 Michael I have been wondering if bringing B home has helped with your grief and given you more peace........jacky, i would say some peace , grief is as strong as it has ever been , maybe even worst as we are getting closer to his one year gone. i keep on telling him, since the moment i get out of bed , how much i miss him and need him !!!

 

[Jacqueline3]

Me too honey, those words come out of my mouth so many times a day..I read an article by a woman who had lost her spouse and she said we had no choice as to when and where grief struck us or how it decided to move through us..I have found that to be so very true.  Thinking of you, sending you love and hugs

[Lisa M.]

Thinking of all of you. 

[Michael Rodriguez]

me too

[Jacqueline3]

Morning everyone, I don't know how to do this... I am fracturing and finding it harder and harder to pick up the pieces.  How do I live without my Garrett?   How do any of us live without our children?   I feel like I am always spewing my emotions everywhere but I cannot seem to get up at all.   I miss my son so much...

[JJ Flowers]

Jacqueline: First, KNOW you will get better, you will feel better. Second, Garret is gone, but his love is right here, still with you and you will always have it. Just close your eyes, and remember the time when he was alive and you felt the most love for him. Relieve this memory in detail. Remember the time you felt the most love from him. Relieve this memory. Let these memories open your heart. Now, picture Garret in your mind's eye. See him laughing. Imagine glittering white light cascading over him. Tell him you love him. Ask for his help in getting you through this. 

 

Then post what happens, how you feel after this. 

[Michael Rodriguez]

jacky we all miss our children so much. B was not only my son but he was my best friend, worked with me , everything i have built during the last 32 years was going to be his , and over the last 8 years we had built and improved our factory together. our love for jeeps and the atlanta falcons (please no comment). so many things we would do together ......and whoops !!!! one day B is no longer with us. i know how much her mother suffers , of course the love of a mother is beyond everything ....so we all understand how you feel , but regretfully life goes on , and along with it .....us , with all our pain and the envy we have for all those families that are complete., 

we yearn their touch, their hugs , their smiles and just the fact that they were there and we could reach out whenever we wanted......so yes jackie we know how you feel 

[Jacqueline3]

Hello everyone,  thank you JJ.  I have been working on what you have said.  I am not very good at it just yet but what little I have been able to do has helped.  Perhaps I am over sensitive in my grief, but I feel as if some have taken offense to my choice of words.  If so, that was not and has never been my intention.   I am just trying to find a way through this nightmare and I have always, noisily looked for answers.  For the last six months I have been fighting to change something that I could not, desperately wishing it were not true..   I guess yesterday the finality of my loss finally struck me with a sledge hammer.  I would not see it before, not as I did yesterday.  I am sad and for the first time in my life I feel old and not capable.  I am reexamining what It is I need to do.... and How it is that i now need to live, a life with my precious Garrett yet without him..  Thank you all for listening.

[JJ Flowers]

I am rooting for you Jacqueline, big time! Know that. You are in my heart and prayers. 

This is a big deal, what you said. Let me share what happened to me, when I felt that. I was, like you, inconsolable. I thought I was a broken person. I could only think, This didn't happen, this is a mistake, I can't go on, it hurts too much and then, I would disappear in this magical thinking, If only this happened, Jonpaul would still be alive, if only I did that then, Jonpaul would still be here. I mean, I went all the way to first grade and rewrote our whole wonderful history to imagine an ending where he didn't die.

Then, while all this was happening two of my best friends were on a medical trip to Burma, helping poor people there. (Both are doctors) Along with six French docs, they got an audience with a celebrated Buddhist monk. They were allowed to ask only one question. One of the French docs asked this: Yes, Buddhism is a great ethical system, a great way to go through life, but what about the worst thing that can happen? What about losing a child?

The monk answer simply: Once you find acceptance, you are left only with love.

This story was what my friends brought back to me. It was like an arrow piercing my heart. I got it. I had to accept that Jonpaul was gone; that he was never coming back. Once I accepted this and it was the hardest thing I have ever done!, I began to experience his love. Jonpaul's love. Garret's love. It is still here, Jacqueline. He is showering you with it; I sense this.

 

 

[Danielle Masata]

Thank you for that JJ.  I recall you described that story before and it's powerful.  I needed to read it again.  I have been feeling awful, just awful about what I am now doing as the sole person in charge of all the things my husband handled and for two months, nonstop, I have been feeling overwhelmed.  I feel as if I have every mistake possible. The strong winds outside shutters the house and I worry it will collapse.  I go to bed so late and wake up so early, (4:30-7:30am) worrying about all these new responsibilities.  It would be easy if i was unmarried and 25 years old again, but I'm not.  I have my husband's legacy and two surviving sons who need their dad's guidance and they only have me.  I'm trying to do the best I can.  I have to remember he's still here, trying to steer me as he always did.  I just have to listen.  

I know this thread is for parents who are grieving the loss of their adult child.  I always thought, if my husband died first, that Patrick and I would be there for me; we'd be a team.  He was so, so, so close to my husband with both in his strong Italian features and intellectually.  But now I don't have that either.

JJ, is that connection you speak about supposed to be closer, tighter, louder when a person first dies and gets diluted over time?

[JJ Flowers]

Dear Danielle:

Losing your husband! I remember that, all the things he did and suddenly you have to do them and half of them are things you don't have a clue about and the other half are things you are just not suited to doing. I have to confess, John not only worked two jobs (a much loved professor and a therapist) plus he wrote books and was a great father, but honestly he did everything. I was so lost without him. I get it. And omg, Jonpaul was so close to his dad; they were best friends. (It is not uncommon for a parent and child to depart close to the same time; a psychic/medium told me that John and Jonpaul and I have had many lives together, and that they always leave together and the last time it was so hard for me, this time we all agreed to have Jaime (my daughter) with us and honestly I would not have made it through these loses, if I didn't have my daughter with me.

But... your husband is here. He is watching over you, sending love. (I sense this strongly; he is nodding right now, grateful you reached out for help. You do not sense them strongest just after they leave, you sense them strongest when you need or want them, when you are feeling love for them. Do that simple exercise where you relive your memories of love. In detail. Feel your heart open with your love for them. Then visualize the love as glittering white light. Picture them in your mind's eye. Send this love over them. See them smiling as it cascades around them. THEN ask for help, but don't just say, I need help. Say I need help with a SPECIFIC task: (taxes, fixing the shutters; knowing what to do. Or ask  for a sign that they are still with you. Keep asking in this way until you begin to experience and recognize their presence; until you get the help you need.

Here is another important aspect of our lose. Do not tell yourself: I am falling apart; I cannot go on: I am lost; I am in too much pain. These are messages you are sending yourself. (Even if they feel true) This is what you are telling your consciousness and then THAT is exactly what happens, what continues. Instead ASK for help. Ask: how can I feel better? Can you show me what I need to do right now? How to heal my broken heart? Or better yet: I will feel better; I am strong; I will create a beautiful life for my other children, for me; what is my purpose in this life? (Often it is to learn to create a beautiful life from our loss.)

I am rooting for you Danielle! I am sending love. You are in my thoughts and prayers.

 

 

[Michael Rodriguez]

i think what we all need to have a strong faith that they are watching over us, a great love for them that shows we will never forget, and the hope that we will see them again 

[JJ Flowers]

YES! Once you KNOW that, omg, it helps so much. You will still miss them, but you begin sensing they are supporting you big time. They want you to LOVE the rest of your life. They will be with you sooner than we realize. Life, they say from the other side, there is no time. We have an eterity of their love.

[Jacqueline3]

Evening to all,

I am not a religious person yet I believe in a spiritual world and life beyond this. I believe that love is what holds us together and that love keeps us connected to our loved ones.   I am looking forward to the day I can see my Garrett again.  That being said, this is a horrific path we must walk and while I understand in my head all that has happened, my hearts still bleeds for it not to be so.  I cry and I break each and every day and wonder why my precious child?  As much as I rant and rage and cry and scream my sorrow, I do believe our precious loved ones are close by and trying to help us.  Garrett's room that no longer smelled like him and made me hysterical,  once again has his smell and the number of birds that have stayed by our house during this winter is unnatural.  I do believe that is my precious boy.  As i sit here crying I guess I just wanted to lend a shoulder to cry as well to anyone who is in need. 

My thoughts and love go out to you all,

Jackie

[Jacqueline3]

Hello to all,

Been really down and feeling much emptiness and despair, fighting to stay afloat, hope everyone is okay, as okay as we can be.

[Changed]

 Hello Jackie,  I’m Roz and I post on Loss of an Adult Child - I saw your message pop up and had to speak to you - I am so sorry that you are dealing with so much sadness and pain after the loss of your Garret.   It is agony and I felt as if I was going crazy with grief after I lost my own son , David, five years ago.    
It’s still very early days for you and there probably doesn’t seem to be a lot you can do except endure the unbelievable awfulness of it all .   I am aware that for me to talk about how I have coped over the years is not helpful when you are so raw and I feel that the group posting here , sharing the same recent loss of their own child , is probably of more comfort right now as you journey together.

I’m  truly sorry for us all living through the most terrible thing that can happen to any parent and the terrible finality of it all.     I understand your feelings of emptiness and despair - it is like torture to get through each day .  Please try , as much as you can, to take care of yourself.     

[Jacqueline3]

Dear Roz, thank you for answering, I am so sorry for your loss.  This should not happen to any parent.  I do feel like I am going crazy at times and so full of despair the rest that I can barely cope.  I cannot remember what it was to laugh and not cry.  I miss Garrett so very much.  He has such a wonderful sense of humor.  He could make me laugh like no one else could.   I am such a roller coaster of emotions.  Thank you again for talking to me Roz, I really needed to hear from you...

Thank you,

Jackie

 

[Jacqueline3]

 Dear Roz, I will gladly listen as you talk about how you coped and are still coping with losing your David.  I am so sorry.   I have always been a a fighter but I am at such a loss, knocked to the ground and unable to get up..  I still have not found any footing and most of the time, I don't want to.  You put it so well... the pain is so unbelievably awful... I feel like my heart continually bleeds tears for Garrett.  I just want him to come home.

[Changed]

Jackie,  your son was so young - it’s so unfair.    He’d only just got started.      I live in the uk - David had gone travelling the world at Garret’s age - he met and married a girl in Australia- they had a son  ( my only grandchild) and settled there.     His living so far away from us was hard but we managed to visit them once a year.   I missed him so much - little did I know that my big strapping boy would become ill and die just weeks before we were due to arrive for Christmas with them .  It was a nightmare- instead of a joyful visit we travelled for days to our dead son.  I don’t know how we survived it all.    
This period of going over and over what has happened and your outpouring of grief is exhausting and looking too far ahead at what is down the road will seem impossible right now.     We are all different - our experiences and beliefs - but we all understand each other’s pain.      Roz

[Jacqueline3]

I am so sorry Roz.   Garrett was just finding his footing, he had been so bullied his entire life.  He walked to his own drumbeat and others didn't like that.  He had been looking forward to starting a new job where he would review and rate movies and video games and he was excited, that was right up his alley.  He had been dealing with a slightly elevated heart rate for a little and I kept taking him to the doctor and the ER.  They said he was okay.  As it turned out he had been born with an abnormality to his liver and it turned his blood acidic.  It had nothing to do with his heart that was a result of the underlining issue.  I kept taking him to the offices and hospitals and the doctors all kept saying he was fine...  I miss him so much Roz,  He too was a big, strapping young man and suddenly he is gone...   Yes, we do understand each others pain... and it is a horrible insidious pain, one that no mother or father should ever have to feel.   Thank you for sharing and talking to me tonight Roz,  I truly needed to speak with someone.  I feel like a die a little more each day.

Jackie

[Mason’s Mom]

Jackie, I understand your pain.  We all have been on the same path and it is a slow process. You aren't crazy when we lose a child we are forever changed. It is hard to look to the future without them.  Take it an hour at a time,   a day,  a week and before you know it a year or years.  I couldn't imagine being without Mason for over 4 years,  didn't think I would survive.  I keep going to keep Mason's memory alive and for my family.  Find a way to honor Garrett,  the smallest act of kindness in his honor will be helpful at least it helps me.

Peace and comfort, 

Carol

[Jacqueline3]

Thank you Carol, that is how i feel at the moment... I don't know how I will survive... Thank you for talking to me... How is your daughter?

Thank you,

Jackie

 

[Robert C.]

Hello to everyone I'm brand new to this site and topic, I wrote a big long post on what I thought was this page, losing an adult son, but I don't see it here so it's someplace else on greiving.com. 

We lost our 31 yr old son Patrick to brain cancer on Oct 24, 2021. He fought so hard, never complained of the long days in the hospital or the millions of hours of travel and treatments. My wife and I were at his side when he took his last breath at 6:06 that Sunday morning. 

Now we are just dying inside. She has her friends to comfort her a tiny bit more than I do. We try so hard to be strong for each other but it's tough when all you feel like doing is to let the greif, hurt and anger swallow you up. It's such a horrible thing to try and live through. 

I hope by learning through you there might be some relief sometime in the future. 

Thank you

Robert C

[Changed]

Hi Robert,  I feel for you so much and am very sorry for your loss.   Patrick went through so much and now you have such grief to endure as well. 
 Your other post was on Loss of an Adult child and I’ve replied to you there .      It is perfectly fine to post on both as many of us do.  There are new parents joining us on Loss of Adult Child and Loss of Adult Son so please check in on both sites - it’s all one really.

kindest thoughts to you , Roz 

[Jacqueline3]

Hello Robert

I am so sorry for your loss and the suffering that your Patrick went through.   I lost my 22 year son Garrett in August on my 60th birthday.    I too feel the same need to allow the raw overwhelming emotions to swallow me up.   It is a minute by minute struggle to keep going and nothing seems to help.  We are all here for you and your wife.  We are struggling to survive this nightmare together...

Love and hugs to you both

Jackie

[Michael Rodriguez]

robert i just introduced myself to you  in "lost of an adult child" .....most of us post on both sites. we are all here to sha5re our grief with people that do understand as we share that6 grief  

[Lisa M.]

Welcome Robert.  You will find love and support here..

[Robert C.]

Thank you so much for answering so quickly. Thank you Lisa M, Michael, Jackie and Roz. Kindness from people who actually know what this feels like is more comforting than all the " it will get better, give it time" folks who haven't suffered this loss. 

It was such a late night/morning when I wrote to y'all. I didn't get out of bed till noon. Thank you again and I am so sorry for all your losses. This should never happen to anyone. Thank you

Robert

[Roseypal]

Hi Robert, 

Its definitely a group no one wants to be a part of, but I'm glad you found us.

 

Cathy

[Robert C.]

Your so right! The price we pay to join 

To join this club is way to high. 

[Jacqueline3]

Way too damned high!

[Didi]

Thank you for posting your experience, Robert.  The anger and sadness are consuming.  I, too, am new to this site hoping for some relief. I am so sorry for the loss of your sweet, courageous son.  You and your wife are nothing short of exemplary parents for being able to walk with him on his journey.  

[Ramona66]

Hi DeeDee61

I wanted to reach out to you and see how you are coping. Our daughters both have the same Angel date 1/20/22. 

[DeeDee61]

Hi Ramona,

It has been a very difficult week, actually.  We are having Chantel's Celebration of Life Service this Sunday, so it feels so "final", like I am burying my baby.  I am shocked it has been over 2 months since she passed away, it seems like yesterday.  How have you been doing?

Dee Dee

[Ramona66]

Not good. I miss her so much!! I am used to talking to her, seeing her or texting her just about everyday. I lost my daughter/best friend. Yesterday was a rough day. Certain dates on the calendar just trigger heavier emotions like the 20th and the 24th. 1/24 is Vienna's birthday. 

 

Yeah it will most likely hit you harder now because you had that final farewell.  I don't know about you but I did not want to see Vee that way so I waited until they closed the coffin before I went in. Trying to trick my mind into thinking that she is far away somewhere were she can't call or txt come see me right now....I guess. I know if I would have seen her that way it would have killed me. 

 

Stay strong. This won't get easier. It looking at posts from Mom's & Dad's that have a longer lost then we have the pain is just as raw as the first day it happened. 

[Dimitar]

Hello,

Any of you, wounded souls, in Raleigh, NC? I would like to meet you, talk to you, feel you… in a hope that I’ll verify that my pain is not only mine, but that it is out there, that it is shared, that there are similar wounds around me. I think it will help me pick up (some of) the pieces of my shattered self and try to glue them back together, to make an honest attempt to turn my wounds into scars. 
A month + ago my 33 years old sun passed away,suddenly, of natural causes. Left behind a widow and a nine months old son. My family of five became a family of four (a sister of 31 and a brother of 26). His family of three is now a family of two. Deeply wounded people.
My wife is in NY helping with the baby. I came back to Raleigh to grieve alone, at home. 
The next meeting of the group is on Tuesday. 
Hoping somebody will read this post.

Dimitar

516.732.9141

Jimbidikov@gmail.com

 

[Michael Rodriguez]

dimitar , im michael and i lost my son brian (B) almost 13 months ago also of natural causes , he would have been 30 on june 19 this year. believe me, we all share that same pain. and after 13 months (im still a newbie) it does not go away , you wake up (if you get to sleep some) thinking about him, all day long you will think of him and when you finally put yourself to sleep , you will be thinkin of him. the pain tears your heart in a 1000 ´pieces , ive learned that slowly ,very  slowly you start building a new heart for the rest of your love ones ,but the one that remains all broken up ,which will never be whole again will remain that way until you die ,i guess.

[Jacqueline3]

Hello, Dimitar, my name is Jackie. I am so sorry for your loss.  I am not in Raleigh, I am in Pennsylvania.  I lost my precious son 8 months ago and am as shattered and broken as the day I lost him, also very suddenly.  My Garrett was 22 years old and passed on my birthday.   We are from all over the world but we have found a bond with each other and we help each other through the long, hellish days.   WE are here for you Dimitar and your family. 

love and hugs,

Jackie

[Michael Rodriguez]

dimitar, i just noticed that you are in the site that says loss of an adult son, most of us have gone to lost of an adult child .....you will get more help and sympathy over at that site ,,,,,

[Jacqueline3]

Michael is right Dimitar, I am glad Michael saw that.  Many of us post on both but there are more of us on the adult child site....

[Roseypal]

Hi All,

Dimitar I do not live in the Carolina's I am in Ohio otherwise I would have been glad to meet up.  I hope you find that person, especially if you think it will help.  I am in another support group that is local threw Hospice and the one women who comes is always asking to meet.  So far we have only done Zoom, but I feel like that day is coming soon, that we will all get together.  There is about 16 of us who show up regularly.  I think of you all so often.  I haven't been writing a lot lately, just don't feel like I have much to say, but I am always here to listen.  Hope this weekend is bearable for us Moms.

Take Care

Cathy