Loss of adult son

[Michael Rodriguez]

thank god that is not one of our issues !!!! B´s last girlfriend, Fabiola , has become our adopted new daughter . all her family lives in vegas and she only travels twice a year , so she is almost always home for dinner ......and the rest of his friends are always around 

[Michael Rodriguez]

we have always welcome our kids friends, they know they can walk into the house, pop open the fridge , take a beer or eat whatever they want. Fabi has one of the garage door openers !!!!! which makes us feel closer to B ....my wife had some issues at first , but we are doing much better now....i wish she could join a group , if not these one, another....i tell her that the support we give and receive helps coping a bit easier

[Tysmama]

Hi all,

I am a little better this morning,  give it time..I understand the drama that can come from the family. My son's ex has made this about her. Her parents have finally reined her in, it was tough on the kids. Tys girl friend, who he hoped to marry, is coming by later. She hasn't reached out since it happened.  Between his ex and her own sadness it has been hard on her. I hope we can have the same relationship you have, Michael. My gd's struggle, our 1st therapy appointment is at 3. Praying for all of you. Thank you for being there for me. Karen 

 

[Jacqueline3]

Evening everyone... Shel, I have been thinking of you all day and I hope that you found some measure of comfort today and that the sorrow was not all that you felt.  I have been thinking of everyone and the struggle that we all face... I found a few old text messages between Garrett and myself that I did not know I had... Some are close to four years old... I had to sit and cry and sob and cry and sob some more.  I read and re-read so many times... It was almost like I was getting them for the first time...  Several of his dry, witting one liners filtered through the pages and I felt the double bladed sword rip through my heart both, agony and the joy of hearing my boy speak in his own voice...  Love to all of you and the wish for comforting thoughts of your blessed children.

[Danielle Masata]

Hi all.  Sorry I haven't posted, but you are all in my thoughts and prayers.  Shel, happy belated birthday to Blake.  January 4th is also my mom's birthday!  She would have been 105 years old!!!!  She lived with us the last 5 years of her life and it was such a treat to have that happen.  We weren't especially close, but when her husband died, we all convinced her to move back to the east coast. She wasn't supposed to live here, but circumstances led her here and by that happening, I finally got to really know my mom as an adult.  She was such a strong character and died in 2013 at age 96.  I miss her everyday and talk to her still, but I know she is happy to be with her peers and her husband.

Michael I'm so happy to here things are going better with you and your wife.  Everyone grieves differently, including my husband and me.  I prefer to talk about my feelings, but my husband just starts to constrict all his emotions instead.  Jackie, I remember clearing out my step father's closet after he passed and I was determined to do the same for all of Patrick's stuff too.  And since he passed just after Christmas, he had a ton of new clothes that I should have returned, but gave away instead.  But I kept one grubby T-shirt.  It's old and ratty and lost its smell, but it reminds me of Patrick just the same.  How lovely you found some old texts Garrett had written. I couldn't find much because my phone automatically erases texts after a certain time. But I searched everywhere for anything related to Patrick. I especially wish I had more voice mail messages.  They weren't necessarily humorous, but his voice was always so young and vulnerable regardless of what he said.

Lisa, I'm so sorry you have to deal with daughter-in-law issues.  She is clearly trying to get a rise from you, so blocking her is the best solution.  Who needs that?  Karen, glad to hear you are doing a little better.  Bit by bit, and then a dark cloud passes over again... so goes the roller coaster of grief.

And me? Not sure how to acknowledge the one year anniversary since my son died, January 6th.  There is so much talk abut this crazy day, on the news due to the riot in DC, but for us, we were dealing with another chaos right here.  I couldn't believe when the EMT technicians were wheeling out Patrick to the ambulance to get to the hospital.  He was already braindead but I pleaded, "Come back Patrick, Come back!!!" They were very polite and the detectives were kind, but I was in agony.  And then I turned back into the house and collapsed. I keep reliving that horrible moment of pain. And then my life felt like it was over. Not sure I've recovered, or if I ever will.

[Jacqueline3]

Dear Danielle,

I am so sorry for your pain, my heart goes out to you.   I am sure it is difficult to believe it has been a year, time seems to be more like horrifying minutes or an agonizing eternity to be suffering with this horrific loss.  I remember saying the same to Garrett.  He was airlifted from one hospital to a trauma center.  I could not fly with him but rode with the ambulance driver.   He was there already when I arrived.  I looked into his eyes amongst all the breathing tubes and IVs and I knew then he was gone, but I sat for the next six hours until his body stopped and begged him to come back, 'Mum was supposed to go first, i loved him so very much and needed him to come home.'   I do not believe any of us will every recover from this loss yet instead will learn to walk with it in a dance of overwhelming love and finally accepted sorrow and longing..   Still, getting to that delicate and unwanted balance is unimaginable suffering and pain.  I am here for you Danielle, we all are.

[Shel]

Dear Jacqueline and Danielle,  Thank you for the beautiful birthday wishes for Blake!  It means so much to me that you were all there for times like this whether it’s an anniversary or birthday we need each other the pain is unbearable!

[Jacqueline3]

I did want to clarify, It is difficult for me to correct the misunderstanding but I have to because it is a difficult subject for me.... I have not cleaned out Garrett's closet.  The thought of doing anything of the kind is abominable to me.  I think people need to do what they need to do to deal with such a traumatic loss but I cannot move any of Garrett's things, they are still his things and while he may not be with me here on this earth, he is with me and I love him so very much.  I am not stepping on anyone's choices either if they have found they need to or had to, given circumstances... I just cannot...  I know I am blabbering and I know that emotions can be touchy,  (I have been exceptionally touchy about how my Mum and siblings have handled this tragedy)  but I am hoping you all understand why I needed to address the misunderstanding.

Yes it is Shel, yes it is... the pain is a constant, unbearable companion.   All of you have helped me just be able to talk and someone understands... Thank you so much!

[Tysmama]

My thoughts and prayers are with you. These "anniversaries" are so painful, I'm sure. Christmas will never be the same for me. We had to push Ty's funeral service off 2 weeks. His girls have covid! Praying I don't get it and my youngest gd, our immune systems aren't that great. I was devastated that this happened but we brought Ty's ashes home and I have a little peace. All he ever wanted was to come home and be with us, he's here now. 

As for his things, they sit in his  room other then a blanket and pillow his gf took. She wanted to be close to him too. I look at these items and touch them when I need to. A few of his texts and voice mails help too.

I am praying for all of you as  we go through this never ending nightmare. I hope we can find moments of peace in the chaos, understanding won't come until we see them again . Karen

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

[Jacqueline3]

Dear Karen, I am thinking of you all... The obstacles just continue to mount...Please, all of you be safe.

[Danielle Masata]

Thanks for your thoughtful note about the upcoming anniversary.  I don't know what my husband or other kids will do to acknowledge that day, but I suspect I'll simply keep it to myself.  They aren't nearly as expressive about these things as I am!  I was glad to have suggested we acknowledge Patrick at Christmas time and especially after we did our annual read of "Tis The Night Before Christmas".  (You may recall, we each read a page and past it along to the next person in the circle.  Then we hang our stockings.  Since Patrick especially loved this tradition, he also snuck downstairs later and left each person a little present, usually candy, in their stocking.  This year, our first without him, we each wrote a happy memory and thanks for the gifts to him and left it in his stocking.  We'll read those notes next year.)

Jackie, I have learned a thing or two since a little time has passed since Patrick died.  There's NO RUSH to clean out Garrett's closet or a room.  I mean, who really cares if you're not ready?  I regret cleaning out some of Patrick's clothes too quickly, especially after his gf had asked for a particular sweater Patrick always wore and I had already given it to Goodwill.  That's the thing about grief: it's all about how YOU feel and doing things when YOU are ready.  My only suggestion is that you save as many memories, like voice mails or texts or old school papers on your computer that he may have written as you can so they don't get erased by accident.  You might also want to ask his friends if they have anything they can share too.

Karen, so sorry to see Covid is an added complication in all your grief.

[Jacqueline3]

Thank you Danielle.  I agree with you.  I have always had trouble getting rid of any of my children's things from younger days... I cannot see myself getting rid of any of Garrett's things.  My need to hold on to everything that is his is even more intense.  He had a Pepsi bottle the night before and that is in my dresser drawer...  I am struggling terribly today... Eventually, one day,  a great measure of time from now, I will pack them carefully away but I am not near ready to even think of that now.    I do agree, we all need to do what we individually need to do to survive this nightmare hell and in truth that can change from moment to moment...  I am thinking of you all.... 

[Jacqueline3]

Dear Danielle, I am thinking of you as we head into tomorrow.   You are not walking alone, we are all with you!

[Lisa M.]

Donald moved out of the house over 21 years ago.  There are still things in his closet from way back then.  I guess I was lazy .  I really don't remember why I didn't get him to finish cleaning it out.  Lord knows he was here often enough  to finish the job.  Now, I  am grateful those things are still in the closet.   I have saved all the texts from 2018 and will not delete them ever.   You are all in my thoughts and prayers.  I feel for all of you dealing with birthdays and anniversaries.   My heart goes out to you.   Don's  birthday just passed and it was rough,  very rough.  My angel day will be May 12 and I am already thinking about it. I am so glad you are all here.   I am grateful  for this group that no one wants to be a member of.

[Mason’s Mom]

On 1/3/2022 at 8:03 PM, Tysmama said:

The tears were flowing today. Did my sons laundry for the last time, ordered flowers for his service and sat in my chair with no ability to focus. A single shoe made me realize the other ended  up with him in the ambulance or highway.  I actually had a crazy moment where I wanted to go look for the shoe on the highway! Why can't I bring myself to get rid of it.. Sorry for the long 

 

[Lisa M.]

Danielle,  thinking of you tomorrow. 

[Mason’s Mom]

I did go through a lot of Mason's things pretty early however I kept some of his favorite shirts and things of sentimental value. I still have his tooth brush in the bathroom and I waited almost three years before I stopped his cell phone service.  I saved his greeting and I listen occasionally,  I can't watch videos of him yet. Don't make a lot of big decisions immediately,  give yourself time.  Time doesn't heal all wounds however it will allow your mind to clear and adjust to the new you and the new reality. 

[Changed]

Danielle,  I know how awful today will be for you and I’m thinking of you.   We brace ourselves for different dates throughout the year but the anniversary of our child’s death has to be the cruelest most dreaded day.  Peace to you.  Roz

[Michael Rodriguez]

danielle i dread the arrival of april 14 , so i know you are going thru living hell right now. should i say be strong ? i dont know i have not been there yet .....so i guess just let it all out and think of patrick and how much you will always love him.....i dont even know if i am making any sense .....im staring at one of many B pictures i have on my desk and it rips me to pieces , so i guess you are now a whole puzzle of many pieces ........remember we are here for you

[Tysmama]

Danielle, sending hugs today, I hope you can find some peace as you focus on the good memories.

I'm still trying to put one foot in front of the other and get out of my pjs. I need to work and I can't focus at all. It doesn't help that my home office is shared with Ty's old room. 

When did you all get back to work ?

Sending prayers...

[Roseypal]

Danielle,

I am sorry today exist for you, I'm sorry December 17 exist for me, and I am sorry that all of us have an Angel Date we have to live threw year after year.

I have been in a downward spiral since 12/17, it is just impossible to believe that I am going to live the rest of my life without my Mike.  I have to figure out how to manage this.  I thought I was doing OK, but the holidays and his 1 year, UGH, I just don't know.  I have spent the whole morning trying to figure out how to download out text messages, trying to hang onto anything I have left.

[Lisa M.]

Dear Tysmama,  I went back to work after a month. I had been working from home prior to Don's passing,  but my doctor wanted me to get back to the office.   She felt I would do a bit better there instead of being in the home he was raised in.   Honestly,  it did help.  Now, I just have to deal with the stupid comments made by well meaning coworkers.  I have my own office and I still have my meltdowns but my work keeps me busy and my mind occupied for most of the day.  

 

Danielle,  my heart is with you today. 

 

My prayers are with all of you today as we take one more step in this agonizing journey called grief.

[Shel]

Sending large hugs to all of you and like Lisa said the the journey is so painful but we’ve got each other to lean on to cry to, and even when we’re not posting to this forum we all think of each other!

[Jacqueline3]

I have been thinking of you today Danielle and my heart bleeds with you. 

Each day since we lost Garrett has been a Hellish Nightmare yet the past three days have been exceptionally difficult for me.  I miss my boy... and the house is screaming his absence even louder... a feat I did not think was possible...

[Michael Rodriguez]

 

believe .....me it does scream their absence!!!! every day , every moment

[Jacqueline3]

Yes it does Michael, yes it does....  I cannot seem to get on my feet at all...

[Tysmama]

I am overwhelmed with emotion...

Yes, everything, everywhere screams of Tyler's absence as well!  Praying for all of you!

[Jacqueline3]

I am thinking of all of you... the last few days have been especially bad... missing Garrett has been just continual floods of tears and pain.    Danielle, you have been on my mind all day.. We are all with you on this most difficult day...

[Tysmama]

I just received a call from Ty's friend who carefully asked if Ty was ok. None of his calls were obviously answered. I had to tell him of Ty's passing.  I am again sobbing for him. Jay knew how to find me, others may not,  so this will be another ongoing struggle.       So sad today and unable to work or function.  Covid continues to rear it's head here and I am absolutely overwhelmed. Karen

[Jacqueline3]

Dearest Karen, I am so sorry and I do understand.   I feel your pain and I an walking with you.  . I too am having trouble functioning.  I miss my boy so damned much it is eating me alive,   How are the girls doing with Covid?  You and your youngest granddaughter still free of covid?   I do know honey, I am crying with you.  You are not alone Karen... Talk to me about Ty... My Garrett was the only one of my three children that was built like his Mum,  He was solid and so very strong... He also was the only one of my children to have my green eyes although, he only had one of my green eyes.   He had Heterochromia... two different color eyes... one blue like his Dad and one of my green.  How about Ty?   

[Tysmama]

Jacquelyn, 

It's so hard, isn't it. The girls feel a little better but my daughter in law now tested positive. Kay and I are still ok. Tyler had it 2 weeks before he passed with no symptoms.  Wish we had those 2 weeks with him. He was so happy he tested negative Christmas morning. Tyler has 3 beautiful children. Connor,  22, Marissa 17, and Kay 13. They meant the world to him. He was a painting contractor and had just met someone  he wanted to marry. He rode and showed horses when younger and loved animals.  Our 2 dogs, miss him too. He was a kind person and always willing to help others. He was finally happy, so sad...He was my only biological child although I have 3 other stepsons and 2 step daughters, who i adore. The family has rallied around me/us.

Garrett sounds adorable with both his parents eyes. Tell me more about him. 

It helps to talk about him, thanks.  Karen

 

 

[Shel]

Karen you’re not alone we feel your pain because we are going through the exact same thing it’s unbearable! This week was one of my worst weeks because it was Blake’s birthday he would’ve been 31! I’m also working on the cemetery stone and I’m having a terrible time trying to get this done I can’t bear to look at anything that has his name his birthdate or an end date it’s horrifying to me I wish everything would just go away I want my son back I want him back so desperately!

[Jacqueline3]

Dear Karen, please call me Jackie... It does help to talk about our boys...  My Garrett had asthma, so we got our covid vaccines as soon as we could... Garrett and I went together, my husband got his before because he had recently had a heart attack.   We actually sat across from one another for each shot.  I have been procrastinating getting my booster because Garrett isn't here to go with me.    He was a child and a young man who walked to his own drumbeat and He was both quiet and a total goof.   The last presidential election and covid had me so upset in 2020 and I could get really fired up...  Garrett (both of my girls have moved out) would always look at his Dad and say "Uh oh, Feral Jackie is on the loose".... then he would pet my arm like he was petting a rabid animal and say..."Calm Jackie, we need calm Jackie..."  and I would always end up laughing...   He loved to draw and he had an amazing talent... I used to love to watch him draw, it was a time he looked so content and happy.   He would always show me his art and I always enjoyed that.  He had been bullied so badly and it had made the small boy a cynical young man yet he would asked me at different times if I had a minute to talk and he and I would sit and talk for hours, sometimes it was about the horrible abuse he endured when they were bullying him so badly  (He got much bigger and stronger and then those same bullies made a wide berth around him yet their cruelty left so many scars) or he would share his latest ideas for his creations or music or movies,, he loved rap music and he would show me songs for hours and explain the meaning and history .... I miss those times so much.   LIfe was hard for him but he had a new job offer he was so excited about, reviewing movies and video games...  He passed before he got a chance to start.     He is my son but he is my best friend.... We did so much together...  I love that boy so very much!!  And I miss him every second of every day...

[Jacqueline3]

Please tell me more about Ty Karen.  He sounds like a wonderful young man.

Dearest Shel, I know it is horrible.   I know those feelings... I just want Garrett to come home.   I say it every day, a thousand times... or more...  It rips the heart and soul out of you over and over and over again.   I am so sorry Shel,  I still cannot bear to look at Garrett's... I just cannot.  I know that feeling, I want to wake up from the god awful hell and see Garrett walk through the door... I miss him so much!

Shel, tell us something about Blake... Karen and I have been talking about our boys and it is wonderful to share who they are and what they gave to us and others...

 

[Danielle Masata]

Thanks for all your good wishes as we limped through the first anniversary. It's awful that this day is also on a notable day for our country.  Some even wondered if Patrick's death had anything to do with the insurrection in DC.  I ended up sending texts to many friends, thanking them for their support over this past year.  It was nice to hear back from many of them.  I think it helped to mention Patrick.  Oh I am so fearful he will be forgotten.  He was such a beautiful writer and I'm tempted to publish his poems.  But truthfully, his wacky sense of humor, his kind spirit, and his creative way at looking at the world were truly unique. It makes such a difference to me that people who knew him never forget him.  

How I passed the day: I kept incredibly busy.  I suppose it helped that I had so much to clean up since my other boys had finally gone back to their apartments and I had Christmas decorations to put away.  Then I had to get my old car cleaned up and ready to sell.  (Online... way to go!)

But now I have a major worry to deal with: my husband is in the hospital with heart issues.  I'm so scared.  This house is suddenly so quiet, even my dog is sad. My husband had a terrible cough for a few days, but tonight he said in a most calming voice, "You'll need to take me to the hospital".  I knew it wasn't good. He is staying overnight and they'll do a stress test in the morning.  I have read some horrible statistics about secondary grief and I just hope whatever we're now having to cope with is easily fixable.  It is this that is making me miss Patrick even more.  He was supposed to "be there" with me if ever I lost my husband (my husband always talked about how women outlive their husbands...)  But who will be with me now in this empty house?  

[Tysmama]

Oh my Danielle! My prayers are with your husband. I hope all is well with him. 

Shel, I have my sons urn at home. That's what he wanted. Picking a stone would be so hard. I know, it feels so final...

Jackie, thanks for sharing.  It helps. I understand how hard it must have been for Garrett with the bullying.  Tyler has a substance abuse problem he finally  kicked. Some family would avoid him but I learned early on to support him in his journey. It was hard but we were very close. I miss him terribly and feel he was cheated as he finally was happy. I don't understand,  probably never will. I never dreamed an accident would take him! I'm trying to focus on the kids but with covid,  they are hiding in their rooms. Praying they are ok.

I send my love to all of you! Karen 

[Jacqueline3]

Morning All, Danielle, my thought and prayers are with both you and your husband.  I hope all goes well with the stress test and he can come home very soon.    I am thinking of you Shel as you work with the headstone... Karen, I am praying none of the rest of you contract covid and your grandchildren recover quickly.   I am with you Karen and the substance issues... My eldest has had issues due to a violent assault, she relapsed badly after we lost Garrett.   I am blessed to be the mother of three and that is the good times and the bad... it can be trying and heartbreaking but you dig your heels in and support and fight for your child.   Losing Garrett is the first time in my life I can truly say I am on my knees unable to get up... I am broken and lost.

[Danielle Masata]

Hello dear friends.  Please send all your prayers to my husband.  He is now in the hospital, first on a heart issue.  He got a stent years ago and will probably need another.  I thought that was bad enough, but now, as a result of the tests so far, they found more problems.  They transferred him to another hospital and decided they have to do more tests to see if he has some form of cancer.  We need a break from all this trauma of the last few weeks, but instead we have another nightmare we deal with.  Thanks.

[Shel]

Jackie I love hearing about Garrett what a wonderful young manKaren you’re not alone we feel your pain because we are going through the exact same thing it’s unbearable! This week was one of my worst weeks because it was Blake’s birthday he would’ve been 31! I’m also working on the cemetery stone and I’m having a terrible time trying to get this done I can’t bear to look at anything that has his name his birthdate or an end date it’s horrifying to me I wish everything would just go away I want my son back I want him back so desperately!

Dear Danielle I’m sending lots of hugs and lots of prayers for your husband’s Recovery!  It seems when you can’t take any more in this life more is thrown at you but you’ve got us here listening and praying and sending lots of hugs your way! Danielle I know your shoulders feel like they can’t take anymore it’s unbearable pain but now that you are in our thoughts and prayers and I wish I could wave a magic wand and make all of us Emotionally and physically better and make our family whole again!

[Jacqueline3]

Dear Danielle,  My thoughts and prayers go out to your husband for good news and a swift recovery... My thoughts and prayers to you for strength to deal with all that life has unfolded on top of you.  We are all here for you Danielle.

Dear Shel, if I could help you wave that magic wand, I would... We all deserve to have our children back and whole lives... Sending thoughts and love to all.

[Michael Rodriguez]

danielle, honestly , i wish i had some magic words that would make you feel better , but i dont.....my prayers are not only for your husband but for you too!! you need the strength ....shel , i am in the same boat as you are ....it will be 9 months since B left us and i can not find it in me to look for a tombstone. yesterday i got to watch a video of B coming back from last year christmas trip ( he was gone for over a month) playing with Bruno , his 240 pound old english mastiff .....i did some serious crying ......believe me im also looking for that magic wand .....sure hope you can find some pleasant sunday time

[Tysmama]

Danielle,  I am praying for you and especially your husband. I don't understand why these things happen when we are already going  through so much. We are here for you!

We are all dealing with things that we don't want to deal with. I, too, wish I could use that magic wand to bring our families back together.  Just keep reaching out, letting the tears flow and putting one foot in front of the other. Praying! Karen 

[Lisa M.]

Danielle,  prayers for you and your husband.   

[Roseypal]

Danielle, I will keep you and your husband in my thoughts, sending healing vibes 

[Roseypal]

Good Morning

[Danielle Masata]

I love that book Rosey. Thank you for posting that. 

[Danielle Masata]

I spent the entire day posting updates to my family and children. I’m thoroughly exhausted. My husband’s care has turned much, much worse. From needing a stent to heart attack to more chest pains to needing to “open him up” (fortunately not literally), but still more procedures. At one point, my son asked me how I’m doing. I reminded him I just needed to go one hour without hearing from a doctor or giving permission for some procedure… and yet I didn’t get it. (That sounds like I’m complaining which I’m not. Doctors have been wonderful.  It’s just that my husband case is so involved). Worst part is that because his heart has been so unstable, they can’t start treatment for a most aggressive form of cancer. So in that case, what started as “early, pre-symptoms” has now turned into acute malignancy. I’m so frightened. I’m not especially religious but if you are, please say a prayer for him. 

[Michael Rodriguez]

7 hours ago, Danielle Masata said:

I spent the entire day posting updates to my family and children. I’m thoroughly exhausted. My husband’s care has turned much, much worse. From needing a stent to heart attack to more chest pains to needing to “open him up” (fortunately not literally), but still more procedures. At one point, my son asked me how I’m doing. I reminded him I just needed to go one hour without hearing from a doctor or giving permission for some procedure… and yet I didn’t get it. (That sounds like I’m complaining which I’m not. Doctors have been wonderful.  It’s just that my husband case is so involved). Worst part is that because his heart has been so unstable, they can’t start treatment for a most aggressive form of cancer. So in that case, what started as “early, pre-symptoms” has now turned into acute malignancy. I’m so frightened. I’m not especially religious but if you are, please say a prayer for him. 

ill just say morning ......i am sure that all of us have you in our prayers ......for the time being i wish you go an hour without a doctor asking permission for something.......

[Jacqueline3]

Morning to all,  Danielle, my thoughts and prayers are with both you and your husband.  I am praying your husbands heart steadies quickly so they can treat the cancer and we all are holding on to you both.

[JJ Flowers]

Danielle, I am so sorry you are going through this at this time! I am holding you in love. My thoughts and prayers. Please, when possible, keep us posted.