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Loss of adult son


Lisa M.

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Danielle Masata

Jacqueline, we care.  We have lived the same agony and wonder how can it seem as if the world continues when mine has stopped?  There's a hole in your heart that will never be filled, but I hope -- for me -- I can find happy memory substitutes.  It's hard to think of anything happy, but I know that my son would prefer that.  I don't go to a final resting place, in part because I feel Patrick is still all around us.... in my thoughts, in my prayers, in so many symbols I encounter, and in the mannerisms and humor I notice in his dad and brothers display.

He especially loved Christmas and figuring out the perfect gift for us all. I so clearly remember those conversations from last year (2020).  For one of his brothers last year, I persuaded him to pick something different, so this year, I got his other gift idea: a Venus fly trap.  My son took it back to his apartment and planted it. It looks quite happy.  For me, patrick always got something related to coffee, usually something like speciality flavored coffee pods.  I remember going through the wide variety with him and we picked the flavors we'd each enjoy.  This year, I got a frother which I know he would have loved using. That's how I acknowledge my son's passing.  Barely a moment goes by when he's still a huge part of my life.  I hide it well, I think.  Not my husband or my other guys see how I "toast" my Patrick.  They care, of course, but their views and expressions of grief are so very different from mine.

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There are so many, but I will tell you two JJ...  Garrett had the most wonderful dry sense of humor and he would come into a room and say he had a joke... It was always the corniest joke but it would make everyone laugh because he did and it was contagious.   He had a wonderful laugh.  Also he was always creating things and I would go with Garrett on raw material hunts.... It was wonderful and so much fun and he would always explain what he was making and how....  

Michael the balloons are a beautiful way to spend the passing of the year with B.   Garrett is a little distance from us... We laid him to rest next to his Pap, my Dad, whom he was very close to.   I would like to think my Dad was there to help him when he had to leave and is with him now. . Dad always helped his family, my Mum, his kids and grandkids.

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I thank all of you for sharing... It is a horrific pain we must unwillingly navigate.  It has been four months and while I realize Garrett cannot come home, I am still grappling to deal with that reality.   My boy loved listening to the birds in the morning.   There has been an unnatural amount of birds that have been outside my bedroom window in the morning... in bushes only 8 feet away.  They jump and fly and sing.   There is one in particular that I have hunted down what kind of bird is making such a consistent loud ruckus amongst all of the plethora of birds.... I finally found it... It is a mourning dove ( yes, spelled this way... I doubled checked).    I cannot help but believe that is my Garrett sending the birds in comfort.  I know my boy would hate seeing me as I am now.... I am trying but the pain of losing him is overwhelming.

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Danielle Masata

Jacqueline, we also have mourning birds nearby.  They can be noisy, but a comfort just the same.  Perhaps you can get a bird feeder for them (although they are not tiny) or sprinkle some bird seed as a thanks.

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That is the first step Jacqueline--this sense that Garrett send the birds to you. What does that mean? It means he is still here, just different. He is trying to connect to you, trying to tell you he is okay, he is sending you love! Thank him for the birds. Thank him for all the love that is between you two. IT'S A LOT! Focusing on the love that you have rather than the loss is ultimately what will ease the ache in your heart. I PROMISE.

 

Moms and dads who have lost a child are literally showered in love from beyond. It is our job to start experiencing this. 

 

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Thank you all for sharing.  I am having a hard time beginning a new year without Garrett.  I am just lost.  I like the balloons Michael, it sounds beautiful. Garrett is a little away from us.  We laid Garrett with his Pap, my Dad because they were very close.  We did not want him to be alone.   I would like to think my Dad was there to help ease his transition when he had to leave.  I miss him terribly.  I keep thinking this just cannot be true, but every minute of every day his absence is a trumpeting fact through my life.  JJ, there are so many memories that are precious but I will tell you two that make me smile... Garrett had an infectious laughter.  He had a love of corny jokes and would come into a room and recite these ridiculous jokes but it was his delivery and laughter that made everyone else laugh.   Also he would create and make things from the time he could walk.... I used to go with him as he collected his raw materials and supplies.  We has so much fun and I loved helping him hunt for the items he needed.   My boy also loved to listen to the birds sing in the morning.  Since we lost him, there has been an unnatural number of birds at the side of our house every morning... I have been going out and watching them jump, fly and sing from the ground to the bushes and back.  I would like to think that is my boy telling me he is still close by... It makes me feel that way and for a few precious moments I feel a small measure of comfort thinking Garrett is talking to me.   Thank you for listening, I just.... hell, I don't know, I just want my son back and as my family keeps telling me, as if I don't already know, it isn't possible.  Just trying to find some measure of footing to at least stand up.  Thank you.

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I just began to do my sons cemetery stone I found it too painful to do it right away I’m still having a hard time putting an end date on there this whole thing is so Trumatic it’s just horrible

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I am so sorry that I just repeated the same things, i thought I had forgotten to hit send before as it did not show.   Sorry.

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I am sorry Shel, I have had the same thing since Garrett's head stone arrived.  The cemetery sent pictures when it was placed and I cannot bear to look at it.  My husband and girls said it is what we ask for and it is beautiful but I cannot bear to see Garrett's name on it.  I am holding your hand Shel.  It is horrible and a damned nightmare I wish I could wake up from and see him standing at my work room door saying, "Hey Mum, can I borrow you for a minute."

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Dear Jacqueline,  That’s exactly how I feel every single word it’s like what I’m feeling right this second I’m in such a terrible pain!  You are so right this is a damn nightmare that never ends!  As you cannot look at Garretts’ name I too cannot look at Blakes name on there! 
My girlfriend thought she was doing something nice and sent me flowers in a glass vase with his birthdate and the date that he left this world I took the glass vase and I put it far back in the closet and I never want to look at it again!

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Dear Shel, I hear your pain and the same vibrates through me right now and every second of every day.  I stand as I look at the birds in the morning and I keep telling Garrett this is not my life!  This is not his life!  How did we get here?   He would have been 23 the 17th of this month.   I just cannot bear that he is not here.  The need to hear his voice and see his beautiful face is an overwhelming ache..  I was supposed to go first, I am old.  He passed on my 60th birthday and I will never again celebrate that day.  Honey, how old is your boy?  How long have you been living this nightmare?

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 Dear Shel, I understand how you fell about the vase.   My sister sent a beautiful arrangement in and beautiful vase.  Garrett's name is not on the vase but I got rid of the flowers early and hid the vase.  I wanted to get rid of the vase because of the reason it was sent but I couldn't do that either, it felt wrong, like i was throwing Garrett away... I know that sounds stupid but that is how I feel.  The clothes I wore the day he passed and the day of his service are in a box in the closet... I cannot bear to even look at them, let alone wear them again.

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Your friend send those flowers in love, as an expression of love. Even if you don't want them, please accept your friends intention--to hold you up in love. Let your friends do this. Love is what helps us through this; love is the only thing that helps us through this.

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I will agree one hundred percent JJ, love does help us endure this horrific nightmare.  You are so very right  yet as much as I appreciate the kindness and the intention, It is, at the same time, so difficult to look at things that are a representative of of Garrett's passing.  Instead i want people to talk about my son and recognize who he is and what he gave in his short time on this earth and what we, as a family have lost.  I need them to understand that while they have moved on with their lives, my life, my family's lives have been shattered and broken and we must now unwillingly find a way to navigate a world without our Garrett.   I truly think that is one of the hardest things for me is that people wont talk about Garrett and they expect me to be the "old Jackie" (words that have been spoken) and they act like I have not lost a piece of my heart and soul by no fault of our own. Garrett was born with an abnormality to his liver... by the time it reared its head, it was too late to help him.  We didn't even get a chance to fight!   It is an insidious thing... we did not even know was there.  He was fine one week and gone the next.   I know that anger is part of this ordeal and I most definitely have it... intermingled with my agony and the desperate need to see and hold my son, is a rage that is barely contained.   Why, damn it!?   Why Garrett?!

I am thankful to all of you for just talking to me...  I am honestly just baring the pain and rage I feel... trying to some way get at least a foot under me instead of laying face first on the ground, broken and hobbled.   I know I keep saying that and I am certain you can all relate to the unfulfilled need....  I just want Garrett to come home!

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Mason’s Mom

I have been reading all your posts and I understand.  The clothes I wore the day Mason passed held the same pain for me. The gifts people give in remembrance while are sent with good intentions do remind us of our loss.  There were so many flowers and potted plants at Mason's funeral,  we let extended family take some, I  know one of my nephews was devastated when the plant he chose died.  My daughter's got a plant and they are at my house. They don't want it but they can't stand the thought of it dieing as well.  There are so many things that you never know about grief and you wonder if you are the only person that has these thoughts.  So many will try and compare our grief with the loss of a parent or grandparent since I have lost all my grandparents and my dad the pain is no way equivalent.  The natural order of life should mean we proceed our children in death.  Seeing our child's name and dates on a head stone is one of the hardest things to experience. I go to the cemetery as often as possible without missing time with my girls and granddaughter. I don't want to take time from them. We all have the same deep seated pain and we are here for one another. I feel a need to make sure his grave is well tended and I add small decorations for holidays. 

May each of us find peace and comfort. 

Carol 

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Danielle Masata

"Garrett was born with an abnormality to his liver... by the time it reared its head, it was too late to help him.  We didn't even get a chance to fight!"... several parents here have similar stories of the suddenness of loss.  It is a devastating loss, no matter however it happened.  ... Back to the old Jackie???  That person is now adjusting to the new Jackie which includes the loss of her son.  Stayed tuned.  It takes some time to figure out where that person is right now.  It took me a long time to get used to driving on the same routes where I always drove with Patrick.  I so wish I was going there right now to pick him up.  That's the thing that takes so long to get used to: all the everyday memories that are attached to my son: wearing certain clothes, buying certain foods, fixing certain meals he loved, driving on certain roads... Oh how I loved passing him as I drove onto our street. Him: just starting a run, me: just coming home from a walk with the dog in the park.  Or hearing him skateboarding in the small park across the street from us.  I used to see him there nearly every afternoon.  I'll always remember just how deeply I missed that part of that routine, as the dog and I walked home.  I looked over where Patrick would usually skate, always ready to show me his latest trick, smiling broadly.  Only this time he wasn't there.

Jacqueline, have you saved the voicemails and texts he left on your phone? On some lonely nights, I go back to those just to remind me of how casual he sounded.  He never knew just how precious those messages would become.  Yes, I too saved one of his grubby T-shirts and I dare not to wash.

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Shortly after Jonpaul died, I was lost in the world of what if. What if I had done this, or not done that, Jonpaul would still be here. Honestly this what if game was so crazy, I went all the way back to first grade, imagining a different world, a world where I did something different and Jonpaul was still alive. Meanwhile two of my friends, a pediatric eye doctor and a midwife, had both been on a long medical mission in Myanmar during this time, when Jonpaul (who they both loved) died. Upon their return, they showed up with flowers to try to comfort me and share our tears. They also had a story sent straight from heaven to help me and this is that:  They and six other doctors, French doctors, were given the opportunity to speak with a famous Buddhist monk while in Myanmar. During this rare audience they were allowed to ask one question. One of the French doctors asked this question: We all understand how Buddhism is a set of guidelines for having a good life and doing the right thing: Harm no one and nothing, tell the truth, be kind, etc., but what about life's worse case scenario, what about losing a child?

The monk said: Once you find acceptance that your beloved child has died, you are left only with their love.

This was an arrow shot straight to my heart. 

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Michael Rodriguez
42 minutes ago, JJ Flowers said:

Shortly after Jonpaul died, I was lost in the world of what if. What if I had done this, or not done that, Jonpaul would still be here. Honestly this what if game was so crazy, I went all the way back to first grade, imagining a different world, a world where I did something different and Jonpaul was still alive. Meanwhile two of my friends, a pediatric eye doctor and a midwife, had both been on a long medical mission in Myanmar during this time, when Jonpaul (who they both loved) died. Upon their return, they showed up with flowers to try to comfort me and share our tears. They also had a story sent straight from heaven to help me and this is that:  They and six other doctors, French doctors, were given the opportunity to speak with a famous Buddhist monk while in Myanmar. During this rare audience they were allowed to ask one question. One of the French doctors asked this question: We all understand how Buddhism is a set of guidelines for having a good life and doing the right thing: Harm no one and nothing, tell the truth, be kind, etc., but what about life's worse case scenario, what about losing a child?

The monk said: Once you find acceptance that your beloved child has died, you are left only with their love.

This was an arrow shot straight to my heart. 

so no heaven, no hope of eternal life , that is it , we die and that is the end of the story ? wow, i really had my hopes set in heaven !!!!!

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Good Morning All,

Michael, I think the Buddhist was saying on Earth, we are left with their love.  I'm don't know if the Buddhist believe in Heaven, Hell, Limbo, Purgatory, etc...However, I believe that I will definitely be reunited with my Loved ones, especially Mike, in another place much better than this where we will never have to be without each other again.  I need to weather this horrific storm so we can be together again.  Sometimes even though I know its a natural progression that he should have buried me, I feel like that would have been very hard for him, especially because his Dad was already deceased, so maybe, just maybe, Mike was spared the sorrow, and I am doing it for him.  Everyday is so unpredictable, today, I am struggling.  Somedays I seem to float threw, today I feel like I am drowning.  

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Dear Jacqueline, my son Blake was 30 years old and passed away June 16, 2021 Blakes birthday is January 4 it’s coming up and I don’t know how I’m going to handle that at all I’m going to be a mess!! I gave birth to him and now he’s gone I don’t know how I got here I don’t know how all these things happened I know that the more time goes by the worst it hurts the longer it’s been since I heard his voice or that he told me he love me.  

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Omg! I KNOW there is a heaven, or spiritual realm and we will be reunited with our loved ones. 

Michael and Roseypal, about Buddhists' beliefs: Roseypal that is so true. Buddhists think only of how to have the best life while you are here. They rarely reference the afterlife. Buddhist beliefs make few claims about the afterlife. They know it is there but their believes cover mostly how best we can live while still on earth. The Buddhists believe it is best if we focus on  love, our lost loved one's love and always know what a huge gift this was to our life. For me, as hard as my grief and longing are, I would still choose to have had Jonpaul for those 23 years no matter what. He and his father brought so much love to my life. (HUGE, ENORMOUS, QUANTITY of LOVE). This is my life's biggest blessing. And you know what Shel? It is still here. Blake's love is pouring over you, right now. I sense it in my heart. 

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Dear MIchael, I am in agreement with Roesypal.  One of my friends, Wing, is Buddhist.  Their belief, to my understanding, is that souls that love one another find one another in this life, reincarnated lives and life beyond this Earth..  I believe love allows us to find one another, even though there are times in every day that I am drowning in sorrow and pain.  

Dear Shel, it does hurt worse the longer it goes and it seems to be a vice that constantly crushes you.  At least that is how I feel..  I know that feeling too, so much.  Hearing Garrett tell me he loved me or if we had a disagreement, he would say a short time later, no matter which one of us apologized first... "that was what he felt or believed, but he shouldn't have said it that way,'  and he would tell me he loved me and give me a giant hug.  I keep going into his room, wanting him to be there , but he isn't.  

Garrett's birthday is January 17.  He always wanted to go to Chilis and we did... I told Joe we should go for Garrett but right now I don't think I can sit in that restaurant without Garrett.  I will probably just sob.

Also, I would like to say that losing a child, no matter how,  is devastating and unjust,.  "Garrett was born with an abnormality to his liver... by the time it reared its head, it was too late to help him.  We didn't even get a chance to fight!".  My comment was only my expression of damned helplessness and feeling that I let Garrett down.

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Dear Shel,   I have been worrying as well about Garrett's birthday.   I really don't think that I can go to Chili's or even eat food from there.   I don't know what to do? 

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I just lost my 38 year old son Tyler to a horrific car accident on Christmas morning.   He was on his way to open gifts with his children and I. When he was late, I knew something happened. As it's so recent,  I'm raw with emotion.  His service is Saturday.  I don't know how his kids and I will get thru it. Ty used to tell me he had to go first, he couldn't handle losing me. I miss his daily calls and texts terribly. 

I know you all understand. Karen

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I am so sorry. There are no words, but this: you are in my thoughts and prayers. Hold your grandkids tight. Be honest with them. Show your tears. Tell them about heaven, because it helps, it really helps kids. 

 

 

 

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Dearest Karen, I am so very sorry.   I do understand and I feel your pain.   I am standing with you, holding your hand through this horrific ordeal.   You are not alone.  I lost my 22 year old son, Garrett, unexpectedly in August.

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I just lost my 38 year old son Tyler to a horrific car accident on Christmas morning.   He was on his way to open gifts with his children and I. When he was late, I knew something happened. As it's so recent,  I'm raw with emotion.  His service is Saturday.  I don't know how his kids and I will get thru it. Ty used to tell me he had to go first, he couldn't handle losing me. I miss his daily calls and texts terribly. 

I know you all understand. Karen

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Thank you for your kind words and thoughts.  I raised my grandchildren and they are my world. We are all grieving this tragedy. My 17 yo gd had a nightmare about the accident last night and struggles with anxiety and depression, she is a worry. I talk to my son all the time and feel moments of peace when I do. Crazy, huh? Sending hugs to you all. 

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Michael Rodriguez

Karen , my name is Michael and i am so very sorry for your loss. we all know how terrible it is and the feelings you have now. only thing i can say is be strong, as much as posible.

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Danielle Masata

Dear Karen, Tysmama, I'm so sorry for your loss.  I have chills running down my arm, feeling this grief.  And such a sad story to have to relive each time you think "why Ty?" and "Why now?" I am also sorry your gd is struggling with this as well.  I hope she can replace those scary thoughts and visuals with happy moments of her dad.  I'm sure he wouldn't want her to linger over his last moments, but rather the special times they were together. Of course she didn't go there on purpose, but in a nightmare. I hope she and you are able to find many beautiful photos and videos and stories you can share at his service. That's what to hang onto. Thank you for sharing. We are here for you.

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Dear Karen - I am so sorry for your loss the pain is unimaginable for we all know what that’s like in this forum we are here for you 24 hours a day one of us will always reply back it is horrifying what you’ve just been through and there of course no words my son Blake passed away unexpectedly on June 16 he was my only child tomorrow is his birthday we are all suffering together but we have each other!

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Dear Karen, I am sorry you had to meet us here on this sight but it has been a comfort to have these wonderful parents hold my hand and listen to me talk since losing my Garrett.   I talk to my boy all the time too and it is not crazy to feel comfort when you do.   I believe our children are near by and are trying to help us through this torture.  My heart goes out to you and your grandchildren

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larry hirschhorn

Karen- Grieving is the hardest emotion work I have every done. It is 9 months since my son died in a boating accident. I don't know what your journey will be like. If mine is any guide, and that is a big "if," there will be moments of deep despair  a struggle to integrate the loss into one's everyday life, and increasingly frequent  moments where the despair turns into tolerable sadness. I think the sadness will be forever. 

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Mason’s Mom
On 1/2/2022 at 8:50 AM, Shel said:

Dear Jacqueline, my son Blake was 30 years old and passed away June 16, 2021 Blakes birthday is January 4 it’s coming up and I don’t know how I’m going to handle that at all I’m going to be a mess!! I gave birth to him and now he’s gone I don’t know how I got here I don’t know how all these things happened I know that the more time goes by the worst it hurts the longer it’s been since I heard his voice or that he told me he love me.  

Shel, happy early birthday Blake. 

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The tears were flowing today. Did my sons laundry for the last time, ordered flowers for his service and sat in my chair with no ability to focus. A single shoe made me realize the other ended  up with him in the ambulance or highway.  I actually had a crazy moment where I wanted to go look for the shoe on the highway! Why can't I bring myself to get rid of it.. Sorry for the long post..

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Mason’s Mom
12 hours ago, Tysmama said:

I just lost my 38 year old son Tyler to a horrific car accident on Christmas morning.   He was on his way to open gifts with his children and I. When he was late, I knew something happened. As it's so recent,  I'm raw with emotion.  His service is Saturday.  I don't know how his kids and I will get thru it. Ty used to tell me he had to go first, he couldn't handle losing me. I miss his daily calls and texts terribly. 

I know you all understand. Karen

So sorry Karen,  these next few weeks will be the hardest but we are here for you. 

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Dear Shel,

I know that Blake's birthday will be so very difficult.  I am thinking of you and I am here for you.  I am crying tears of love with you.   Happy Birthday Blake.

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Dearest Karen,  I am so sorry,  I pulled a load of clothes out of the dryer the day after we lost Garrett and there were several of his t-shirts and shorts.  I hung them like I always do and sobbed as I put them in his closet.  I cannot get used to doing the laundry without his things in the mix.  It has been four months yet is seems both like yesterday and an eternity.  I have not had a day since that I have not cried multiple times and hugged the sweat jackets he hung behind his door...  I am thinking of you and your grandchildren.

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Michael Rodriguez
9 hours ago, Shel said:

Jacquiline Thank you For Your sweet words! 

Happy b´day Blake !!! we are all  here for your mom , helping her cope with you being gone .....she loves you and really misses you ...... again happy birthday

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Thank you Michael!! Your kind words mean so much to me!  Thank you for wishing Blake a happy birthday in heaven! I haven’t slept. All I did was remember the day he was born going into labor having my mom by my side with me she was my support system looking at him when he finally arrived into this world and realizing that I’m a mom how much love just came pouring out of me! Right now I am feeling such extreme pain I feel nauseous I just want this day to be over with and then I have to face tomorrow.

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Happy Heavenly Birthday,  Blake! We will be here for your mom! Shel, sending hugs and love.

Thank you Jacqueline for your kind words. I plan to give the grands some of the clothes to wrap themselves in. I'll keep a sweat shirt too.

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1942101D-A38D-41B9-A0C5-F43EB4FBAFFB_1_201_a.jpeg.1d2549ea38adb1b75f73c011d5cb2a65.jpeg

Happy Birthday Blake :wub2:

This path is so HARD!!!!!! I am here for all of you, if it wasn't for you all I would be more messed up than I already am.  Thank You for your support and kindness.  We need each other and its a blessing to know I have a place to go.  Karen, I am so sorry, so very sorry.    

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Dear Tysmama and Roseypal,  thank you so much for wishing Blake a heavenly happy birthday! And you are so right we all need each other because no one Else understands the pain that continues to go on and on! All of you are a part of my life and I thank you for your support and love! 

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It's been a very rough couple of weeks for me.   Don's birthday was December 16.  That was one of the worst days yet.   I agree that it feels like so long ago and just yesterday at the same time.   It has only been 6 1/2 months but somedays I am in such pain and despair I feel as if I just want to crawl in a hole and not see or talk to anyone.   People at work continue to say stupid things.   I know they mean well but it doesn't help.  To top things off, my son's wife has been drinking  and has taken to harassing  my granddaughter.  (Not her daughter).  She has also gone to Facebook to do this so it's out there for everyone to see. I am not on Facebook  so my grandaughter sent me the screen shot.   My granddaughter is 16 yrs old and now has a bleeding ulcer.  I've told her to just block her.  My son would be so upset.  Not mad, hurt.  She has also said a few things about me.  Her attack on me all started when I told her I  wouldn't be giving her any money and that she needed to a get a job.  I am sorry to ramble.   There is much more, but the bottom line is...I  have to work so hard to get through each day and she has added another layer to my sadness. Thank you all for being here.  I so appreciate you.

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Dear Lisa, I know December 16 Don’s birthday had to be awful Blakes birthday is today and I’m feeling your same pain and all of our pain on the day of our child’s birthday. I am here for you always I try to respond back as quickly as I can please know that I’m thinking of you! Il

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Morning to all, I have been thinking of you  Shel!  Hello Lisa, my name is Jackie... I am so sorry for your loss and the added pain and worry.  My heart goes out to you and your granddaughter.   This is all such an agonizing nightmare that does not end. I looked at Garrett"s picture last night... It was the last one he had taken and once again the reality that he is not coming home hit me like a sledgehammer.   It just gets harder as it goes...  Thanks to everyone for listening and supporting.

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Lisa,

I think we need to take control when able, since we have very little.  Absolutely block her on Facebook, that you can control.  We are not suppose to be subjects for someones hurt, if that is what she is choosing to do that's her issue, don't let her have that.  I had to take a break from my daughter-in-law when Mike passed, it got to be too much, we have since weathered the storm and are in touch again.  

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