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Who is this angry person???


Julia

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Hi everyone, I'm new here.

I lost my dad very unexpectedly in April of this year. He was my best friend and it's been a lonely road every since. Most of my friends and family have just sort of dwindled away. I know everyone has their own lives to get back to, and I rarely mention my Dad to anyone. When I do, I try to keep it positive. But still, most of my friends, including my best friend, just vanished as soon as he died. Because of that it's felt like a double loss, and although I don't like to admit it, I feel deserted.

I've noticed recently that my personality seems to be changing. I know anger is one of the "stages of grief" but it really feels like this person I don't even know has taken over my body. I am not by nature an angry person, but suddenly I'm screaming at other drivers and doing other crazy things I never would have done before. At home, with my boyfriend, I can be such a bitch. Excuse my language but that's the only way to describe myself. It's like I have two modes now - sad and vulnerable or cold and angry. What happened to the rest of me?

Thanks for letting me vent,

Julia

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Dear Julia,

First of all, I am deeply sorry for your loss.

I am also new to the site and have experienced so many of the situations and emotions you've expressed here. I was really struck while reading your post how familiar this is to me. I lost my father just over one year ago. I too went through the unexpected process of dealing with close friends pulling away and my relationship with my fiance greatly suffered and eventually ended.

I think the answer to your question regarding anger is in your post:

"I rarely mention my Dad to anyone. When I do, I try to keep it positive."

You lost your father 6 months ago -- you have every right to openly express the full range of your emotions and thoughts to the people in your life. The longer your feelings stay inside, the more angry you are going to become. You cannot view yourself and your grief as burden to the people around you. You may fear that more of your friendships will diminish if you expose yourself in this way, but I am certain (as I went through it myself), that if you limit yourself in speaking about your father and your loss, the feelings of anger and resentment will grow out of control.

It is very important that you have a support system right now. Even if it is only one person - even if it means that you seek the counsel of therapist. It is essential that you have a person in your life with whom you can speak as freely and openly as possible about this. Your boyfriend would be the most ideal person, as you live together and he is probably one of the closest people to you. How involved has he been in your grieving process? Is he willing to make the investment? These are serious questions that you need to consider.

Last, I would pass along some advice that was given to me and greatly helped. Do as much as you can every day to help others. Even if it is as simple as buying someone a cup of coffee or supporting another person on this forum. I can't begin to tell you how much that daily commitment helped me to let go of my anger.

All the best,

Angie

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julia.....bless your heart...grief can be a very lonely place....when someone so close to you leaves us, we of course feel so very alone. it is hard for anyone to understand. no one can feel your pain and no one experiences grief like you do....it is a very personal thing, this grief. angie had some very good points to make. i lost my son to suicide 7+ months ago and i am very sad and depressed. i still have trouble just leaving my house. even though i have the support of my husband and 3 married children and 7 grandchildren, they still just don't 'get it'....they think i am supposed to be all happy and 'moving on'....well, it simply does not work like that. this journey through grief is a life-long process. it takes time, however long that time might be for each person is to be determined by that individual. please give yourself some time and know that the people here on this site will do what we can to help you get through this terrible journey. i am on the forum for 'loss of an adult child'....we have many, many caring and loving people on this site, and it doesn't matter who you have lost, it is all the same, grief is grief...but i have found it is a much more active site and there we can help you and let you vent without fear of being judged. it is a great place to be and can only help. they literally SAVED my LIFE....literally. so try to go there and talk and/or just read the posts until you feel comfortable posting yourself. they are such wonderful people and they feel your pain. and it hurts all of us.....my hubby and i go to counseling and for us, it seems to help.....you may want to try it when you are ready....take care, diane

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Thank you both for responding, I'm sorry my reply is so late! I'm so sorry for both of your losses. Isn't it strange that losing loved ones is pretty much guaranteed in life, and yet when it happens it still hits you like a ton of bricks? It just feels so wrong.

I think joining this forum was already a good step - it feels good to have someone really "get" my feelings and to reply with such genuine caring.

I am seeing a therapist but I feel like I've sort of hit a plateau with her. She yawns when I talk to her, which just drives me crazy! I thought of joining a grief counseling group and then completely blew it off because I was too depressed to go. (Sort of ridiculous, I know.) Maybe I'll look into that again. I think part of me thinks that as an adult who lost a parent, although I'm only 32, I somehow shouldn't be grieving as much as I am, and therefore shouldn't go on and on about it. You know you're going to lose your parents as you get older. But now that it's happened, not a minute goes by that I'm not missing my dad, my best friend and confidant. He was such a huge part of my life, I don't know why I try to minimize the impact of losing him by never talking about him.

Angie, your suggestion to do something kind for someone every day is a wonderful one. I have been focusing on doing that, and you know, it does make me feel better! Takes me out of the little bubble I've created for myself.

Thanks guys,

Julia

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Julia and Sadlady,

Thank you both for sharing your stories here. It feels good to know we are not alone, and to be able to give support and advice to others. This is really an amazing forum.

Sadlady, I am so sorry to read about the loss of your son. I can see that you have provided so many people on this forum with support. You are an inspiration.

Julia, I had to go through many therapists in both NY and LA before I found the right one. Please don't settle for someone who is not giving you the support you need - there are many good therapists out there who can help. It just takes some time to find the right fit... In the meantime, two inspiring books that have been helping me...

The Tibetan Book of Living and Dying, Sogyal Rinpoche 

Rebooting: Defeating Depression, Rabbi Yehuda Berg

I know the feeling of not being able to escape your own thoughts. It can feel like you're a prisoner. Not a single moment passes that isn't permeated by a sense of lack. I'm trying to keep my days as diverse as possible; even small things like taking a new route to work, listening to a new playlist on my iPod. Anything to avoid being stuck in a routine. 

Another thing is that I recently started to give charity in my father's name to my favorite cause; and there was something really satisfying in that. It feels like circuitry was created. I don't know if that makes sense, but it is definitely worth thinking about.

The more we can honor our loved ones and not hide, the better. That is my philosophy :) 

If either find that something is working for you, please share!

All the best,

Angie

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