Lost without my Baby Girl

[BeagleDad]

My world feels destroyed. I had to say goodbye to my four legged Beagle Mix soulmate Daisy Mae on Sunday. 

My wife and I got her 11.5 yrs ago when looking for a playmate for our two year old Puggle. We went to a puppy store in our ignorance and she immediately attacked me with kisses picking her up and it was love at first sight despite barely having the money for the adoption fee.

Daisy was my shadow- she lit up our household and was attached to our older dog and he to her. Because she ended up as we found out to be from a mill in Missouri she was the result of bad breeding. At 3 she had problems with her knees and by 7 needed 4 knee surgeries in total to have the quality of life she deserved as an incredible athlete. She also had urinary and pancreatitis issues. An ER vet trip twice a year scaring mom, dad and brother to death. 

Daisy was our daughter. My wife and I can't have children and thus our animals are our every day. We never board them and rarely crated them. 

While the love was for all - she was a daddy's girl. Always a morning kiss, wanting to be on my lap and snuggling in bed and everywhere when I worked. Three years ago we moved back to where I am from and gave her and her brother the giant deck and yard they always have wanted. She has been in love as always and new routines followed. At every turn of a bad day, baby girl is there to make it better. She lit up our house. 

A month ago, given her brothers age and her still incredible energy at 11.5 we got a new puppy. Prior to that she had some Urinary test results requiring an ultrasound as a precaution. While I was a little worried, we are regulars at the vet and feed the best diet, no ppl food and are always ensuring we did everything right. The pup arrived and it was a little hairy as Daisy was focused being the disciplinarian. After two weeks the first time they played. She still told him when he was bad but the love was coming around. At week 3 she was bathing him and it was clear he was part of the pack. 

Then it happened. She woke up one morning, always snuggled against me or under my arm with a much slower kiss. It was a hot day so I figured just issues with the heat. She didn't play much or care about the pup. My coffee on the porch didn't interest her to sit with me just sadly on her bed( she always wants on my lap no matter the space). 6 months leading up her brother was sniffing her a lot- I worried some but it wasn't that obvious yet. This day he comes and lays on her - not usual. My heart sank but I gave it a couple days. At day 3 she didn't want to eat anything- went to our vet who tried speeding up the ultrasound and offering a couple ideas. Next day it's worse and I go to the ER vet. They take an x-ray and blood work while she is there 6 hours and I'm waiting in the parking lot. She hates being there and always jumps in my arms to take her home. Vet says keep appt and gives instructions with no major worries as blood and vitals are fine. We go home and I'm ok but when we took her I was a mess thinking this was it. Next four days she is lethargic and doesn't want to move much. Pops her head up once or twice. Has one random good hour and plays ball with me in between meetings. My heart was full. Then she crashes. Won't eat anything and is throwing up more. Our local vet offers a few tips and other meds but doesn't push for her visit to be moved up. I question the ER Vet being over confident. That gets me to this past Saturday. She is even more lethargic and uncomfortable and everything looks bad. Back to a different ER vet- 8 hours more she is stuck there. I'm a wreck. A big part of my world isn't well. The call comes from vet... Mass on her bladder, a mass in her chest, lungs look irregular. My baby girl is so so sick. The decision is clear- I'm not hospitalizing her. I asked for her to go home, with anti nausea and fluids (again) and an appetite stimulant. Our plan was always that our dogs get a special meal- it was supposed to be a grill day. Instead the best to do was Burger King. The drive home she is distant but lights up a little as I feed her two plain burgers. She gets her special meal or at least something like it. We get home to my wife and her brother and the pup. We love on her more than usual ( already happens a lot normally). We get some videos and pictures that night. I slept with her on the couch after she got turns being loved on by everyone. The night was rough- she never moved sleeping before this but can't get comfortable and breathing is labored. It's worse in the morning. I'm angry and despondent as we could have known sooner but it was pushed out despite us wanting answers before. Lots of chances in vet visits to find something but not until it was too late. That morning I couldn't make the call to a mobile vet on the holiday weekend. I had nothing left in me. We snuggled and loved on her as did her brothers. Finally at noon she settled and was at peace sleeping. I carried her around the yard to her favorite spots because walking has been a chore. I carried her wrapped in a blanket as it was raining some. The vet arrives at 3.. I hold her in her favorite couch as her companion brother rests his head on her whining and my wife is right there. The moment comes to sedate her. It's supposed to take a few minutes. When the shot is given, within 10 seconds we get one spark in her eyes and she kisses my wife, her brother and then daddy gets a few. Then she is asleep. I hold her as we love on her another 10 minutes until the vet injects her so she passes on.. we balled for 20 minutes- I'm broken. We clean her up and wrap her in her favorite blankets and a hoodie of mine that she would lay on if she could. I had to dig her grave in pooring rain. Buried her in time for one last kiss and soft hug on those floppy ears. That was Sunday. 

This morning I'm lost. I can't eat, my heart hurts and I haven't cried in almost 25 years and can't stop. It's my little girl- she was our caretaker. She was supposed to enjoy her first Xmas as a family of five. She had a buddy who could keep up now. I'm struggling- I have the pics and videos that help and a blanket that smells of her I want close to me. As I lay on the couch where she would be snuggled up with me anytime I didn't feel well, I don't have my girl to help me through this. She tried to make it easier on us to the end. I'm so angry the vets could have done much better- even a week of struggling is too much for my girl. I took the week off work because I'm a mess. The puppy is trying to help- and we love him but I just miss my girl so much. I know it's supposed to get better and writing this helps some but I feel so lost. 

We are adding another little girl later this week to start a new chapter. She would never be expected to be my Daisy Mae. That said my heart needs a little girl to dote upon and help keep the house buzzing. We worry it's too early but I can't see getting better without focusing on our oldest dog with even more spoiling and the pup having a playmate. 

Every moment is a reminder of my girl. The sounds, the love she gave, it's all gone. I miss her so much and I just don't get how such a sweet soul is just snatched. Uggh.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

[nothingness]

I'm so sorry for your loss. I lost my baby boy 2 weeks ago and I'm still crying all day and having random panic attacks. The pain is unbearable, I know. Like you, I have my baby's blanket with me. I sleep with it and his favorite toy and his collar. I'm also filling out a dog baby book and that's been helping me this week. Filling it with the memories of his life and photos.

I truly believe you did everything in your power for your baby. It sounds like you were extremely proactive with her health.

You will find supportive people on this site. I've also joined a pet grief support group and met some very supportive people and found a pet grief counselor. You might want to look into those options as this is the most difficult thing imaginable to go through. I'm so sorry you're going through it too.

[BeagleDad]

I'm so sorry for your loss- it's so great to continue to work to honor your boy and that you have the blanket and toys. I find it really helps. I was happy to have found this site. We did a book online as well including magnets. My wife found some precious pictures she took as my girl would ask me to put a pillow on my lap and crawl up on it to sleep and endure my head rested on hers. Beyond talking/writing about it I've been working on her gravesite ordering a stone and soon getting some landscaping materials  to make an area with a bench to be able to have a spot to visit her. We go out to see her and say goodnight and it helps. I also buried her in her favorite blankets and a sweatshirt of mine she loved and would dig and nest in it whenever she could. 

Im struggling so much with the "firsts". Today was coffee on the porch that was our special routine as a family and Daisy on my lap always getting a small lick of coffee. She would then go inside and grab a toy. Her brothers today are so much quieter. Daisy was a Beagle/Frenchie mix that looked mostly Beagle except for the docked tail and and broader chest. I miss that slight grunt from the Frenchie side and then the snoring. It became like a white noise that warms your heart. That tears me up not hearing that. Other firsts keep coming with things she took part it. It has helped to conquer them and grieve ( ball my eyes out) and then keep moving forward. 

The one thing that is so hard is the touch. I never want to forget that feeling of holding her and the surprise kisses and nuzzling. That fear of losing that scares me and I breakdown. I never want to lose the memory of her smell and that special bond of always being close. 

My wife and I don't have a lot of support given the lack of understanding on this type of grief and have to be each other's. We got so much judgment for going to get another female pup on such short notice. We want to sit down and share the memories of our Daisy with the new family member as we are doing with the new pup that was around for at least a little time with her. Never to replace - or to even be a replacement for grief but instead to share in our honoring of Daisy. Our beloved furkids take care of us and want us to be happy. My wife reminds me every day that my girl would be the first to lay with me and love on me until I was in less pain and that she would want that desperately now as she did when with us. 

I am a rambling mess talking about this but I hope that being here and the grief counseling helps. I've been looking around as well and considering it. 

 

 

[nothingness]

I understand the "firsts". I still cry every time I go to the bathroom because my baby followed me EVERYWHERE, even to the bathroom, where he'd want to put his head on my lap and cuddle while I was on the toilet. Eating alone is also very difficult for me as he was obsessed with food and would run full speed to the door when the ubereats delivery driver arrived and then would lay beside me as I ate, hoping for any leftovers or that I'd drop something. I usually breakdown crying every time I try to eat and can't manage more than a few bites.

I, too, lack support. I have no other pets and I live alone. You can read my post on here to see things my family has said to me. My support has been through my psychologist, the grief counselor I just found, and the support group which I've attended once. A couple people from there have reached out to me and check on me. And this site. So, basically, my only support has been from strangers.

I understand the fear of not being able to hold them again. My baby had a huge plush bed that I had just gotten him for his bday in Jan. He was bigger than me so it's quite a large bed. I lay in it at least once a day so I can smell him and I close my eyes and imagine that the soft fur-like material of the bed is him. I used to climb in it with him every night and smother his face in kisses and hug him and tell him I loved him. Every night. Every time I look at it, I can't believe he's not in it.

I hope that setting up your baby's grave site will help you somewhat. Doing these memorial sorts of things is helping me, I think.

[BeagleDad]

I find trying to relive those moments to be helpful too. The fleece blanket is one of many we have but her scent is strongest. It was along with one other, the last blankets she laid on or laid on the most and has her scent. It's calming. Sometimes with things like these it's only strangers who share such a deep loss and understanding that you can connect with. Losing a pet isn't the same for everyone depending on the bonds we share.

I look back and I know we did what was best for her and she was in my arms surrounded by love and thus left this world as loved as when she entered our lives. That said I'm so angry because there were still things she didn't get to experience that were planned. She didn't deserve to suffer for a moment. She was to be my support as my mothers losing battle with cancer comes to an end this summer. I look back and as a workaholic and even more so since I work from home, she was the one who took on that job of relieving stress so it didn't put too much on my wife. The bathroom stuff gets me too. Always pushing it open and coming in to lay down. She had this weird thing where she loved to lick my hands. Always and every day. She also loved to lay between my legs on the chase lounge so she could rest her head over my leg or on my foot. In the bed she would go under the covers and nest then come up on top of them ensuring she was glued to me the whole night. You realize so much they do and then I'm back to the tissue box. 

The other thing that is killing me is that a few years ago she started wanting to lay on the spare bed where we have the treadmill when I run. Due to schedule and knee issues, running on the road is less frequent so it became a daily thing. The moment I would put my shoes on she followed me in and I would put her on the bed where she would pass out and nap there with me. I haven't conquered that yet. Tried last night and broke down.

The lack of eating has my whole body in arms so I slept on the couch last night. She always would lay there stretched out so that my feet touched her back. Thus still no sleep last night.

The last thing and most physical is the weight and tension in the chest. Even when I'm not a total wreck I feel it. I'm not sure if I want it to leave as if it does - I'm not hurting as much as I feel I should be. It's all so confusing at times.

[KayC]

@BeagleDad  I am so sorry.  As I read through your story, I recognized the intimate deep connection I had with my Arlie.  It's the hardest thing in the world to see them go.  My heart goes out to you, I know your loss is tremendous.    It helped me to come here and post, I posted their stories here to immortalize them, I lost my Arlie and 25 year old Kitty just 4 1/2 months apart.  I'd already lost my Miss Mocha 3 years earlier.  We were a family of four...dwindled down to just me.

My Arlie was my perfect dog, I called him my soulmate in a dog (I lost my husband 16 years ago).  How do you rebuild after you've lost your everything?  It was much like losing my husband all over again.  I applied the same tools, taking one day at a time. 

I hope this short video brings you some comfort to think about...
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5GurFKhK34U

 

Here are their stories:

 

 

I wrote this article at about ten years out, and although it was written with loss of spouse in mind, grief/loss is grief/loss, and I learned it wasn't really that different losing my sweet Arlie, it didn't affect me in every way as it did my spouse (chores, sex, talking over our day, finances, social life, etc.) but the emotions felt the same, broken hearted.

I want to share an article I wrote of the things I've found helpful over the years, in the hopes something will be of help to you either now or on down the road.

TIPS TO MAKE YOUR WAY THROUGH GRIEF

There's no way to sum up how to go on in a simple easy answer, but I encourage you to read the other threads here, little by little you will learn how to make your way through this.  I do want to give you some pointers though, of some things I've learned on my journey.

• Take one day at a time.  The Bible says each day has enough trouble of it's own, I've found that to be true, so don't bite off more than you can chew.  It can be challenging enough just to tackle today.  I tell myself, I only have to get through today.  Then I get up tomorrow and do it all over again.  To think about the "rest of my life" invites anxiety.
• Don't be afraid, grief may not end but it evolves.  The intensity lessens eventually.
• Visit your doctor.  Tell them about your loss, any troubles sleeping, suicidal thoughts, anxiety attacks.  They need to know these things in order to help you through it...this is all part of grief.
• Suicidal thoughts are common in early grief.  If they're reoccurring, call a suicide hotline.  I felt that way early on, but then realized it wasn't that I wanted to die so much as I didn't want to go through what I'd have to face if I lived.  Back to taking a day at a time.  Suicide Hotline - Call 1-800-273-8255 or www.crisis textline.org or US and Canada: text 741741 UK: text 85258 | Ireland: text 50808
• Give yourself permission to smile.  It is not our grief that binds us to them, but our love, and that continues still.
• Try not to isolate too much.  
• There's a balance to reach between taking time to process our grief, and avoiding it...it's good to find that balance for yourself.  We can't keep so busy as to avoid our grief, it has a way of haunting us, finding us, and demanding we pay attention to it!  Some people set aside time every day to grieve.  I didn't have to, it searched and found me!
• Self-care is extremely important, more so than ever.  That person that would have cared for you is gone, now you're it...learn to be your own best friend, your own advocate, practice self-care.  You'll need it more than ever.
• Recognize that your doctor isn't trained in grief, find a professional grief counselor that is.  We need help finding ourselves through this maze of grief, knowing where to start, etc.  They have not only the knowledge, but the resources.
• In time, consider a grief support group.  If your friends have not been through it themselves, they may not understand what you're going through, it helps to find someone somewhere who DOES "get it". 
• Be patient, give yourself time.  There's no hurry or timetable about cleaning out belongings, etc.  They can wait, you can take a year, ten years, or never deal with it.  It's okay, it's what YOU are comfortable with that matters.  
• Know that what we are comfortable with may change from time to time.  That first couple of years I put his pictures up, took them down, up, down, depending on whether it made me feel better or worse.  Finally, they were up to stay.
• Consider a pet.  Not everyone is a pet fan, but I've found that my dog helps immensely.  It's someone to love, someone to come home to, someone happy to see me, someone that gives me a purpose...I have to come home and feed him.  Besides, they're known to relieve stress.  Well maybe not in the puppy stage when they're chewing up everything, but there's older ones to adopt if you don't relish that stage.
• Make yourself get out now and then.  You may not feel interest in anything, things that interested you before seem to feel flat now.  That's normal.  Push yourself out of your comfort zone just a wee bit now and then.  Eating out alone, going to a movie alone or church alone, all of these things are hard to do at first.  You may feel you flunked at it, cried throughout, that's okay, you did it, you tried, and eventually you get a little better at it.  If I waited until I had someone to do things with I'd be stuck at home a lot.
• Keep coming here.  We've been through it and we're all going through this together.
• Look for joy in every day.  It will be hard to find at first, but in practicing this, it will change your focus so you can embrace what IS rather than merely focusing on what ISN'T.  It teaches you to live in the present and appreciate fully.  You have lost your big joy in life, and all other small joys may seem insignificant in comparison, but rather than compare what used to be to what is, learn the ability to appreciate each and every small thing that comes your way...a rainbow, a phone call from a friend, unexpected money, a stranger smiling at you, whatever the small joy, embrace it.  It's an art that takes practice and is life changing if you continue it.
• Eventually consider volunteering.  It helps us when we're outward focused, it's a win/win.

(((hugs))) Praying for you today.

[BeagleDad]

KayC- thank you so much. I am so sorry for all that you have continued to have to grieve- that is just an enormous load to take on and then have to be the last one standing. The feeling of starting over is so hard. You build something as a family and everyone has a part in it. I owe my career success as much to my baby girl as anything for her toughing out the late nights and stressed out rants by getting closer or pulling me away from it. She understood me and I could read her and see the signs of worry or trouble as they came. I find myself struggling with whether to be busy or grieve and finding that balance. What we have now feels empty without her given she was so key to help build it. She was the strong one, always protecting, loving and then falling into my arms when something was wrong. With this past illness I think she and our other dog knew- and she held onto it as though she knew this was not just the normal illness and she wanted to live every moment and not spend it in the vets office. The intelligence of dogs and cats to me comes out in these moments. She knows at the sign of trouble daddy is gonna sweep her up and take her to the vet. Her thank you and goodbye kiss was the most precious yet gutpunching thing ever. It just made me wish I better prepared myself if that is even possible. 

Our beloved animal companions have wings in my view- all of them. Today has been a roller coaster day. I feel every day is different. Today it's been writing and breaking down and then planning how to finish her memorial over where she is buried and ideas for honoring her at birthdays and holidays. She will be getting a chewy order just like the orders just maybe placed inside a clear plastic box. I can't fathom not keeping a connection. That part of the soul and heart is gone but having a link to it and making sure it's never forgotten I'm hoping will help.

 

[Gary55]

Hi so sorry to read of your loss of Daisy Mae. This site has helped me so much, just to know I wasn't alone in my feelings. A large part of your heart has been ripped out. How do we carry on without them, I know I've struggled. Almost 6 months since Goldie passed, and I still have tears every day. I think I had a broken heart. I could not breathe, and had a pain for months in my chest. I've never had any issues, yet I still can't properly breathe. I think I'll never be the same. Taking each day at a time, or possibly just each moment is how I'm getting through. Thinking of you. 

[KayC]

17 hours ago, BeagleDad said:

It just made me wish I better prepared myself if that is even possible. 

I don't think there is any preparing yourself for loss.  My dog had two months ten days after his cancer diagnosis, yet the finality hits you worse than any sucker punch could!  I wanted to dig him up and kiss his sweet face one more time.  I know better.  It's hard when you want so badly to see them again, to hold them!  The pain is unlike any other!  I know of no physical pain it's equal. 

17 hours ago, BeagleDad said:

ideas for honoring her at birthdays and holidays.

I hope you'll share your ideas as they come.

My son brought me Kodie a few months after my Arlie died.  He was conceived when Arlie died, born on my birthday.  His name popped into my head when I first saw his picture & video, little did I know the breeder named him Kobie, when my son plopped his tag on the table, he said, "Sorry about his name, I mis-typed it."  It read Kodie.  

In the 1 1/2 years since, there's no doubt he is meant to be with me.  Maybe Arlie even had a paw in it.  He is always with me.  Here he is, peering at the treat jar on the table (it doesn't show but he was licking his chops, so I wouldn't miss what he wanted!  

[BeagleDad]

The physical pain is awful. That is sweet that you share that with Kodie. I definitely agree Arlie had a hand in it. Our oldest who was Daisy's companion has taken up one of her jobs but the new pup we got who spent almost a month with Daisy here, it's like she made sure a piece of her left with him. He has been still a wild pup but he has been more loving with me especially. It helps. Not a lot but some. How we got him was nothing short of Daisy having a hand in it too. I've been against going with another dog for 4 years. My baby girl and my wife's boy Duke were our world and we didn't want to interrupt it. Some of Daisy's blood tests concerned me some but it was more just this moment I can't explain. My wife was offered a female beagle pup and sent me pics. For some reason I said it's time - I have no idea why after 4 years of no way. Then sadly that pup had some issues (Parvo) right before we were going to take her ( she is ok now but was hospitalized for 3 weeks). Once this happened I knew it was the right time still in my heart where we got Blu and added him to our family. Daisy was a bit grumpy for a few days and then started to be a second momma to him and even played some. The day she truly played with him and appeared to accept him was one day before her sickness kicked in. It was uncanny. It was her way in my mind to say I can rest.

We went to our normal vet for the first time since she passed last night. When I got the ER Vet analysis of her status there was so much it was overwhelming. I needed to hear our vet ho through it as I had guilt creeping in so much. After hearing it again she was our wonder woman dog. Daisy had a mass in her lung that looked Alien, it had holes in it and other growths. She had a large mass on her bladder which was related to her Urinary analysis tests that clued us in something was going on months ago but with no symptoms. She had enlargement of the liver and spleen. Blood tests confirmed pancreatitis. There was likely even more as we didn't test further. She hid this from us. She enjoyed life and loved so much that she never quit. I think back to things I could have missed. Things that could have been addressed a while back. Then I think about how she was- she wouldn't have had any of it. Her timeline never would have been much longer and she wasn't spending it on treatments or trips to the vet. When I explained how she was to the vet still playful and chasing her ball, wanting to tug every day while also being a senior girl who still enjoyed her naps- they were just floored. She should have shown something symptom wise - she didn't. It's amazing to me and breaks me down Everytime.

The touch and feel aspect of her loss is the hardest. I miss the comfort of her beside me always and the morning kisses and just her presence and how much it made my world whole. We did so much together as a family and just us as I worked from home. 

You asked about memorial ideas and celebrations- I'm finishing her gravesite memorial later today/tomorrow. Along with her stone that is coming in June is a pea gravel little square that is a bit larger than her grave. I'm putting a bench there behind her grave. We had coffee together every morning. I want to enjoy coffee with my girl to help the healing. Also the space is big enough to honor her on holidays and her birthday (October 30). She gets a stocking for Xmas always and her favorite toys were tennis balls to chase and anything she could tug with. I want to get a plastic case to leave her some toys, even when it's not a holiday at her grave. She was our little wiggle butt when the chewy box came barking in excitement and at daddy when I was slow to cut the tags. She forever is part of that even in passing. My wife made a Shutterfly book for us to look at on the hard days too. I feel like keeping that bond present helps to heal. We have to move forward she was a guiding light- and our home and our souls have to have our baby girl involved for a long time. 

[BeagleDad]

I

5 hours ago, Gary55 said:

Hi so sorry to read of your loss of Daisy Mae. This site has helped me so much, just to know I wasn't alone in my feelings. A large part of your heart has been ripped out. How do we carry on without them, I know I've struggled. Almost 6 months since Goldie passed, and I still have tears every day. I think I had a broken heart. I could not breathe, and had a pain for months in my chest. I've never had any issues, yet I still can't properly breathe. I think I'll never be the same. Taking each day at a time, or possibly just each moment is how I'm getting through. Thinking of you. 

I'm so sorry about Goldie. The pain seems impossible to see it going away. It is heartbreak. There is no other way to describe it. There are feelings and warmth that will never return and it's devastating. All we can do is try. I'll admit I have been a disaster this morning. It helps reading here and sharing. Tears often flooding while writing. I'm not sure how to be the same again. How to have joy in my heart enough so that the soul smiles not just the face. They gave us that, those everyday moments. 

[BeagleDad]

Does anyone else have moments where there is less pain, be it from something like your current pets or another matter that you catch yourself and feel guilty? I had a breakdown today and our little pup came and found me, all of 15 weeks old. It was something my baby girl did. He got me then is curled up next to me like she would be. Rubbing his ears and trying to calm down I did and then immediately sensed the calmness for a moment I would get with my baby girl and felt guilty. 

[nothingness]

3 hours ago, BeagleDad said:

Does anyone else have moments where there is less pain, be it from something like your current pets or another matter that you catch yourself and feel guilty?

I have an insane amount of guilt for various reasons. My dog was very hyperactive and I have PTSD and his crazy behavior would often get on my nerves and I lost my patience often. He would also come to me for attn all the time. He wanted to be pet 24/7. I would be busy working or I'd be surfing the internet or often times doing nothing of importance but would ignore his attempts for attn and tell him to lay down. All of these things and more go through my head regularly and I feel like a horrible person who deserves to be punished now.

[BeagleDad]

10 minutes ago, nothingness said:

I have an insane amount of guilt for various reasons. My dog was very hyperactive and I have PTSD and his crazy behavior would often get on my nerves and I lost my patience often. He would also come to me for attn all the time. He wanted to be pet 24/7. I would be busy working or I'd be surfing the internet or often times doing nothing of importance but would ignore his attempts for attn and tell him to lay down. All of these things and more go through my head regularly and I feel like a horrible person who deserves to be punished now.

 

I look back on so much- even having to scold her a few times with the new puppy. It's always a worry about not doing enough for her. I too at times would lose patience with certain things. I don't think punishment is warranted as there is always love after the scolding. 

Today has been such an interesting day. Seems harder than yesterday. Had two really weird things happen. The cover on our Motion Detector light fell off and broke on our deck with no sign of why. A knick knack then fell over on our coffee table while the house was silent. It makes the mind wander about Daisy being around and trying to get our attention. She was always persistent that way be it pawing at me to play or quit working or licking my hand or leg or bringing me a toy and fake growling. 

 

[nothingness]

50 minutes ago, BeagleDad said:

Had two really weird things happen. The cover on our Motion Detector light fell off and broke on our deck with no sign of why. A knick knack then fell over on our coffee table while the house was silent.

I have been waiting for signs from my baby and there's been none. And that's making it worse for me. I, too, believe it is your baby who is doing those things.

When my prior dog passed away 8 years ago, I went to my grandparent's house for a few days immediately afterward because I didn't want to be in my home alone (I live alone with no other pets). While I was at my grandparents, I was sitting with my grandma and my aunt and the light started flickering for no reason. We all noticed it. A few days later, I came home, the lights in the bathroom started flickering and the bulb burned out while I was in the bathroom. Then, a few days later, the smoke alarm malfunctioned in the middle of the night.

I started doing research (and I am a VERY skeptical person by nature) and found that there has been a long documented history of electrical disturbances following the death of a loved one. Lights flickering, electrical things malfunctioning, phones ringing, etc have been documented for many years.

So since my baby passed a couple weeks ago, I've been looking for any sign but there's been nothing at all. I keep wondering where did he go? Does he know how much I love him?? It's killing me. I lay in his bed, curled in a ball, crying and telling him how much I love him and that he doesn't know how much. I have his dog tag on a chain around my neck now.

I think your baby is showing you that she's still with you...

[Gary55]

@nothingnesssorry I've been late catching up. I truly believe that you have nothing to feel guilty about. We have life to do, unfortunately, but that's the way it is. I'm still carrying about a bag full of guilt about me and Goldie. Perhaps much of it is imagined guilt, im not sure. Anyway, I think that deep down no matter the situation, we love them and they love us. If it's of any use, I set an intention every day with Goldie,something like 

my intention is to be open and receptive to however you want to connect with me, and to whatever you want to share with me. I love it when you connect with me in whatever way is best for you. 

I've had lots of dream visitations. I feel good on the mornings when I wake up after the dreams. It doesn't bring him here physically, but it's comforting. I hope you have something soon. 

[nothingness]

11 minutes ago, Gary55 said:

I've had lots of dream visitations. I feel good on the mornings when I wake up after the dreams. It doesn't bring him here physically, but it's comforting. I hope you have something soon. 

I haven't had any dreams either. I keep hoping I will. Although, I have to take xanax before bed so I can actually sleep so that might fog up any memories of dreams. But 2 nights ago, I did have a dream in the morning that I woke up from. In it, there was a red butterfly and it landed on my face. I read that butterflies can represent the souls of the dead.

[Gary55]

I find thats it dreams when you are just about to wake, like minutes before. That's when it seems they can connect. 

[BeagleDad]

5 hours ago, nothingness said:

I have been waiting for signs from my baby and there's been none. And that's making it worse for me. I, too, believe it is your baby who is doing those things.

When my prior dog passed away 8 years ago, I went to my grandparent's house for a few days immediately afterward because I didn't want to be in my home alone (I live alone with no other pets). While I was at my grandparents, I was sitting with my grandma and my aunt and the light started flickering for no reason. We all noticed it. A few days later, I came home, the lights in the bathroom started flickering and the bulb burned out while I was in the bathroom. Then, a few days later, the smoke alarm malfunctioned in the middle of the night.

I started doing research (and I am a VERY skeptical person by nature) and found that there has been a long documented history of electrical disturbances following the death of a loved one. Lights flickering, electrical things malfunctioning, phones ringing, etc have been documented for many years.

So since my baby passed a couple weeks ago, I've been looking for any sign but there's been nothing at all. I keep wondering where did he go? Does he know how much I love him?? It's killing me. I lay in his bed, curled in a ball, crying and telling him how much I love him and that he doesn't know how much. I have his dog tag on a chain around my neck now.

I think your baby is showing you that she's still with you...

I hope that is what it was. I'm not sure it was an electrical disturbance as it was just the glass cap but the light still works but it definitely makes sense. The knicknack on the coffee table though is more compelling as when we would tug it almost always got knocked over bumping into it. 

 

I'm sure you will get a visitation if not already but it just was subtle. I was reading up on meditation today and want to try that out. I've never done it but have a few former work colleagues who were into it and swear by it. I think it is probably different for all of us in terms of how we are visited. I pray you get a visitation soon and I'm sure you will- that powerful of a connection it will happen.

[KayC]

On 6/2/2021 at 7:24 AM, BeagleDad said:

I'm putting a bench there behind her grave.

That sounds wonderful!  I may do that here as Arlie, Sky, Kitty, Lucky, King George are all buried near each other and my husband's ashes scattered there too.  I also have a memorial stone for each plus one for Miss Mocha.  I need to get one for Teddy, Midnight, and Autumn, Fluffy is buried across the property with a cross & his favorite words on it (Treat, Go, etc.). That's all the animals who lived here.

 

23 hours ago, BeagleDad said:

you catch yourself and feel guilty?

 

This helped me:  Smile Permission

20 hours ago, nothingness said:

I feel like a horrible person who deserves to be punished now.

ALL of us go through all the what ifs and wish we could go back and change something!  ALL of us beat ourselves up and wish we'd done something different and wish we'd given them better lives.  My Arlie spent years in a pen while I was at work.  FINALLY I hired someone to put in a fence, OMG, why didn't I do this years before when I first got him!  What a difference it made to his life, to give him the power of choice, to run free whenever he wanted!  All I can do is tell him aloud how sorry I am!  I try to give Kodie the best life I can and learn from my mistakes but I hate leaving him home while I'm gone for hours.  I can't leave him in the fence because he digs and I fear his getting out and something happening to him, so he stays in the house while I'm gone.  Sigh.  Alas we do the best we know to do at the time...we're winging it.  All I can say is, try to forgive yourself.  What would you tell a best friend going through these feelings?  Tell the same thing to yourself.  Now that OUR best friend is gone, we need to be our own best friend.

 

19 hours ago, nothingness said:

I've been looking for any sign but there's been nothing at all.

Don't feel alone, it's not the signs that are any measure of our love or theirs for us.  Some people are very receptive, and from all I've gleaned it's hard for them to give signs.  Anyway, I know my Arlie "is" and I will be with him again, we were destined to be together, we were once, we will again.

13 hours ago, BeagleDad said:

I'm sure you will get a visitation if not already but it just was subtle.

And perhaps that is it, that we don't always recognize one for what it was.