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I miss my 21 year old cat so much


Rachel07

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Hi,
This is my first time writing on a forum, but I just feel so sad... I've had my cat for 21 years, ever since I was a child. He was one of my best friends, and I even felt like he was my son. 

Over the years, Brooke got weaker. He was able to walk but it did look sometimes like he had difficulty and he would wobble and lose balance sometimes. Over time his arthritis was getting worse and it was apparent he was losing strength. I would start to carry him up and down the stairs whenever I saw he wanted to go in one of those directions (although he was able to do this by himself, I could tell it was becoming a struggle for him and possibly even painful). He also for years has hardly used his litter box despite changes we have made like putting a ramp to help him get in it. Brooke also lost quite a bit of weight over the years and became weak. But despite his weakness, he was perseverant and still walked around the house. He would always come downstairs when my family was eating supper. And he was always so affectionate. He was always there for me, would study with me and was so loyal.

About a week ago, we started noticing even more changes in Brooke. He didn't come downstairs during supper anymore, and he would hardly eat. He also seemed weaker.

My parents mentioned that I should take him to the vet and that perhaps he was in pain and the vet would suggest euthanasia. The thought of this horrified me. I needed Brooke and the whole weekend I kept denying that Brooke needed to be taken to the vet despite his struggles. But then by the end of the weekend, I started thinking that perhaps I was being selfish and thinking about how much I needed him in my life instead of the pain he was in and what was best for him. So Monday I brought him to the vet, although I still believed the vet would have some suggestions like perhaps pain medication and then Brooke would be fine. I was devastated when right away the vet told me that Brooke had no muscle left, and his kidneys could hardly be felt when palpated. He looked dehydrated and probably had advanced kidney issues. The vet told me that if it was his cat he would put him down that day. My heart broke and all my hope shattered. The thought of putting Brooke down that day was unbearable. I told the vet I needed one more day with him. So I used that day and spent all my time with him, devastated that soon I would no longer have my childhood friend.

On Tuesday, Brooke was euthanized. I was there with him. I was devastated but for some reason I thought I would feel some relief at knowing that Brooke would be relieved of his pain. But the moment the life left his eyes, I felt instant regret and I just wanted to take back my decision. I was devastated and felt like I'd made a huge mistake. And then when I held his limp body in my arms, saw his lifeless eyes, and had to hold up his head to keep it from falling down, my heart shattered, and that moment is all I can think about. It keeps replaying in my head. Deep down, I know putting Brooke down was the right thing for him, but for me it feels awful... And I keep asking myself, "should I have waited a few more days?" even though I know that wouldn't have been fair to Brooke. But the guilt is eating away at me, and I miss him so much. Everywhere I go in my house I am reminded of him and then that moment where I held him in my arms after the euthanasia. I know it's only been two days, but I feel like I'll never be the same without him. He wasn't just a pet to me, he was my child and my family... 

Not only do I feel guilty about putting him down, but I also start to think of all the times when I didn't spend enough time with Brooke, like when I was busy working on an assignment and he came to see me. I know I did spend a lot of time with him and gave him a lot of love, but the moments I didn't keep coming back to me and haunting me and I feel so much regret and deep sadness....

What can I do to feel better? Did I make the right decision for Brooke? I hate "playing God" and it was awful having to choose on Brooke's behalf whether he should live or not... Because I made the decision, I feel responsible for his death and like it was me who killed him... I feel like I killed my best friend :( 

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10 hours ago, Rachel07 said:

I know putting Brooke down was the right thing for him, but for me it feels awful.

When we have them euthanized, their suffering becomes ours now.  I commend you for doing what was best for Brooke instead of yourself, the true test of selfless love.  Yes it's hard, the pain unreal!  In time it will begin to lessen it's grip a bit and become more carry-able.  It's not "playing God!"  This animal was SUFFERING!   Rather than telling yourself you "klilled your best friend" reword it to "I relieved my best friend from his immense pain even though it means I now carry the pain."

In early grief most of us go through all the "what ifs" in an effort to find some other possible outcome because the one that happened is just too much to fathom.  Grief is a PROCESS and takes time for us to let it sink in and become reality, it is the hardest thing I know...I am 68 and have been through a LOT in my life, but loss/grief tops the list.  :(

I am so sorry for your pain, I know it's tremendous.

 

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