Just lost and it hurts...

[mausti]

I know I posted a couple of days ago but i just needed to get this off my chest. I miss my dad so much, it seems to be getting worse right now instead of better. His death was very unexpected, and very recent (8/14/11). There has been so much going on I just keep wanting to pick up the phone and call him but then I remember I cant. I turned 26 on 7/25 and he and I were planning a late birthday dinner for just us, but we never got to have it. I regret that so much now. I remember perfectly our last conversation he told me “ don’t worry I will talk to you before then, love you” right before we hung up. That was the last time we spoke. Just to be woken up the next morning by my sister at my door to tell me he passed during the early morning. His Memorial service was beautiful, very upbeat, we played a few of his favorite songs ( Sittin on the dock of the bay, believe, live like you were dying, etc) and we did a slide show of pictures and had his friends tell stories that made you smile, and laugh and realize what a wonderful and caring man he was. He had a severe accident in 2003 given less than 1% chance of living and after 4 months in ICU, and dying 3 times to be brought back the past 8 ½ years have been a TRUE GIFT for us. Its so hard to think my 3 year old daughter, will never know what a wonderful man he was. I don’t even know if she will have her own memories of him, I will always tell her mine, but I wish he could still be here to watch her grow up. They were truly best friends… you could see how they both light up when they saw each other and oh how he spoiled her rotten. I know he was in pain everyday since his accident, but he did his best to not let it show. Im glad he is no longer in pain but I cannot help but still wish for him here with us. I would gladly trade anything for just a chance to tell him what he means to me one last time. Just for a big bear hug or to hear his “hey, hey, hey” laugh… Or have him tell me another story of how I remind him of himself. I try to go on with my day for my family…but I don’t know how much longer I can keep strait face. When all I want to do is crawl in my bed and hide under the covers for a week. Or go to sleep and skip the next few months and maybe it would be a little easier. I feel truly lost without him. We had no secrets, and could talk about anything with each other… we would have late night phone chats because he could never get a good sleep and my husband works night shift so I don’t sleep well. He was always there to reassure me no matter what everything would be fine and he was always standing behind me no matter what. Im just so lost right now…. And Im almost so tired of having people come up and tell me how wonderful he was, or how he helped them, or influenced them, or when he picked them up when they hit rock bottom. I know, he was my dad, he was all of those for me, I don’t need to be reminded what I lost and had no control over. And now its gotten to the point where my friends and extended family have gotten back to their lives which I understand they must, but I just want to walk out and scream “ whats wrong with you people?! I lost my DAD. My best friend and you think your life is ending because your car battery died?!” I know Im sounding like a crazy angry person, Im usually a very caring person who would help anyone I can but it feels like its my turn to be taken care of, where are all those people I helped that needed me? I just don’t know what to do at this point I know I need to grieve but I also have a family to take care of…

[stillfighting431]

mausti,

I'm so sorry to hear of your loss.I lost my mom on 24/7/2011 & I still miss her like crazy.I'm saying this from my personal experience,when you lose a parent who also happened to be your best friend it's unbearable.It's like you lose your foundation, the source of your strength & courage.The world suddenly seems so empty & meaningless.Whenever I was feeling down,I'd just go to her,she'd hug me,stroke my hair & say it's ok,don't worry, you're strong enough to get through this,I know you are & suddenly I'd feel so much better.I know we all think that our parents were great people but few of us our actually blessed with truly remarkable ones.Your dad sounds like that ,so was my mom,selfless,generous,kind,compassionate with a smile that could wash all your sadness away. It's been over a month and still can't get through the day without crying.Every inch of the house holds so many memories.

I know words mean so little right now & I'm struggling myself but here's my two bits of advise anyway.Don't listen to anyone who tells you to just move on.A loss such great as this can't be just brushed aside.It's OK to cry,if you can't in front of your little girl then find some private time to yourself,like when your taking a bath or in the kitchen.Try to remember all the warmth and comfort of his presence and try to hold on to that feeling.He isn't completely gone,his spirit lives on in you & his granddaughter.Avoid people who quote scriptures,tell you it was god's will,fate,meant to be & you should accept it & make peace with it.They patronise you ,pretend they have all the answers & you should just grow up & move on with your life.They make me so mad,I just want to punch them out.

Try talking to someone sympathetic,especially who is of the same age group as you & has lost a parent unexpectedly too,may be a sibling.For me it's my sister.She has been my saviour.Try going out to places you loved to go to before like a park,a mall ,a resturant etc. & try to lose yourself for a little while.Try to pick up your hobbies like gardening,crafts,cooking or whatever you love,try to keep your busy doing something that interests you.Talk to your doctor about getting prescription for a mild sedative,something to help you sleep.A good nights sleep will help you a lot.

You need time to grieve & heal & it's going to take a lot of time.Don't lose hope,the pain will start to lessen bit by bit & you will be able to remember him fondly without breaking down.I know this void inside will never fill up ,but I know & believe that pain will become bearable one day .Keep in touch & remember there many people out there suffering like us.

stillfighting431

[dizzydancingway]

I'm 27 and I lost my mom four months ago. Time has flown by, but not for any reason of comfort. It is NOT easy to lose a parent at our age. I know it isn't at any age, but for me, I have felt so overwhelmed by the feeling that I was ripped off, that I lost years and years of bonding with my mom. Its been so destabilazing. I had many friends and coworkers compare losing their mom to me and I had this terrible feeling inside...like, no YOU don't understand. Your mom was 90. You were 60. Its not the same.

Its hard to say anything except...in some ways, the pain is your friend. Embrace it. Feel it, the only thing thasts made me feel better in the past few months is dealing with the sadness head on. Its made me stronger. I miss my mom every day and still breakdown, but I'm stronger than ever and I know shed be proud of me.

Stay strong. I think you are doing good so far! There is no instrction manual on this and nobody can tell you how to feel or act. Grief takes time, especially the initial shock of it, and in some ways I don't think it ever goes away. Don't be afraid to cry or feel the pain...I promise you it will help to face it. It also really really helps to talk about it. You are so strong and I bet your dad is somewhere inside of you pushing you, taking care of you. Keep posting here and let us know how you are doing!

[mburke]

I'm so very sorry for your pain... i lost my dad may 13 2011... the pain hasnt got better at all. im just numb to it... its so very hard loosing someone so close espically a parent. my dad was killed in an accident and it was so sudden and a total shock. i miss him everyday. i also have a 3 year old daughter, well she will be 4 in a couple weeks but i remind her of my dad daily and put lots of pictures up in her room of him. its easy to be angry and you have every right to be. i wish you the best with you pain and grief.

[wifbible2]

I lost my dad June 15th of this year. It is still hard cause HE too was my best friend. I still reach to call him, I still cry....but each day I cry less. I try to think of my days as if he were tagging along with me...no I know he isn't but I feel his spirit is!

[morningdove]

I lost my dad June 15th of this year. It is still hard cause HE too was my best friend. I still reach to call him, I still cry....but each day I cry less. I try to think of my days as if he were tagging along with me...no I know he isn't but I feel his spirit is!

As I read through your post and the others in this thread, it seems the more we love someone, the more it hurts. I have lost both parents and a brother but it was my Mother who I was closest to of the three. I too have picked up the phone and tried to call forgetting she's no longer there.

There are no words or easy solution to remedy the pain of loss, but what touches me is that we have shared a deep love with someone in our life and know what it is to love and be loved in the time we are alive. I am so grateful to have had such a beautiful Mother and yes I do continue to feel her presence near sometimes.

Maybe, just maybe, a little bit of gratitude could help lessen the pain.

http://primaurns.com/cremation-urns.html

[mausti]

Ok so It has been almost 2 months now since i lost my dad, I feel it has only been getting harder for me. And with all my feelings ive had i didnt want to put them on my husband because hes been having rough times at work. Now I am not saying we have not had some problems before my dads death but since then its like i shut my husband out and pushed our Marriage issues to the side without even realizing it, and having no clue what a toll it was taking on him until this week when he brought up he wasnt happy anymore and was considereing a seperation. Nw dont say that he has terrible timing because i finally noticed something was wrong and I drug it out of him. Now it just feels like my whole world is falling apart including my marriage and I never really saw it coming because i was just so wrapped up in my own head. We will start marriage counsiling on tuessday, but apparently hes seems to have told his sister he is past that point that there " I believe there is still something to fix" bbut instead of her trying to make sense of it she would tell him i dont blame you for wanting to leave. So needless to say I feel like slapping her across th face and saying something to her I know I will regret, referring to her father. Which is why i havent opened my mouth at all. I just feel like If my dad were here i could talk to him and he could help me realize what I need to do to make it right. Im just even lost more now than i have ever been... Sorry to unload all my issues on here..and sound almost ungrateful. But it just hurts. Since My dad, and now that i have "snapped back to reality" I see how much i have been taking him for granted and hurting him and not giving it my all like I know I can. I just hope he realizes that Im ready to change and we are ready to fix this together that he hasnt given up on meyet.Because I dont think i can handle losing the 2 most important men in my life back to back.

[ModKonnie]

Ok so It has been almost 2 months now since i lost my dad, I feel it has only been getting harder for me. And with all my feelings ive had i didnt want to put them on my husband because hes been having rough times at work. Now I am not saying we have not had some problems before my dads death but since then its like i shut my husband out and pushed our Marriage issues to the side without even realizing it, and having no clue what a toll it was taking on him until this week when he brought up he wasnt happy anymore and was considereing a seperation. Nw dont say that he has terrible timing because i finally noticed something was wrong and I drug it out of him. Now it just feels like my whole world is falling apart including my marriage and I never really saw it coming because i was just so wrapped up in my own head. We will start marriage counsiling on tuessday, but apparently hes seems to have told his sister he is past that point that there " I believe there is still something to fix" bbut instead of her trying to make sense of it she would tell him i dont blame you for wanting to leave. So needless to say I feel like slapping her across th face and saying something to her I know I will regret, referring to her father. Which is why i havent opened my mouth at all. I just feel like If my dad were here i could talk to him and he could help me realize what I need to do to make it right. Im just even lost more now than i have ever been... Sorry to unload all my issues on here..and sound almost ungrateful. But it just hurts. Since My dad, and now that i have "snapped back to reality" I see how much i have been taking him for granted and hurting him and not giving it my all like I know I can. I just hope he realizes that Im ready to change and we are ready to fix this together that he hasnt given up on meyet.Because I dont think i can handle losing the 2 most important men in my life back to back.

Mausti,

I am sorry about the loss of your dad. While you may have not been giving your all to your marriage for the last two months, WOW--that's not really an excuse for your husband to take off. Honestly, it seems to me that he should have had some understanding and patience and offered MORE than NORMAL support for you.

I think counseling is a good idea. It may help you both sort out some previous and ongoing hurts that you pushed aside and never took care of. It will also help you both deal with the death of your father. Your sister in law should have never broke his confidence and hurt you like that. Her actions were certainly thoughtless, particularly under this kind of stress, regardless of whether she was even telling you the truth or not.

Many times couples split during emotional crises. That doesn't mean they don't learn how to cope, heal and work things out. Let us know how the counseling goes. We will be here for you.

ModKonnie

[wifbible2]

Ok so It has been almost 2 months now since i lost my dad, I feel it has only been getting harder for me. And with all my feelings ive had i didnt want to put them on my husband because hes been having rough times at work. Now I am not saying we have not had some problems before my dads death but since then its like i shut my husband out and pushed our Marriage issues to the side without even realizing it, and having no clue what a toll it was taking on him until this week when he brought up he wasnt happy anymore and was considereing a seperation. Nw dont say that he has terrible timing because i finally noticed something was wrong and I drug it out of him. Now it just feels like my whole world is falling apart including my marriage and I never really saw it coming because i was just so wrapped up in my own head. We will start marriage counsiling on tuessday, but apparently hes seems to have told his sister he is past that point that there " I believe there is still something to fix" bbut instead of her trying to make sense of it she would tell him i dont blame you for wanting to leave. So needless to say I feel like slapping her across th face and saying something to her I know I will regret, referring to her father. Which is why i havent opened my mouth at all. I just feel like If my dad were here i could talk to him and he could help me realize what I need to do to make it right. Im just even lost more now than i have ever been... Sorry to unload all my issues on here..and sound almost ungrateful. But it just hurts. Since My dad, and now that i have "snapped back to reality" I see how much i have been taking him for granted and hurting him and not giving it my all like I know I can. I just hope he realizes that Im ready to change and we are ready to fix this together that he hasnt given up on meyet.Because I dont think i can handle losing the 2 most important men in my life back to back.

[wifbible2]

Morningdove,

I hope counseling well help you and your husband. Your grief is a difficult thing to deal with. Hopefully your husband will be mature enough to understand that sometimes what YoU are going through has to come first! Its part of a relationship.

My husband had lost his mom ten years ago before we were married. He always told me that burying a parent was the hardest thing he ever did. I lost not only my dad in June but I also lost my step-dad of 30 yrs last OCtober...I year ago this OCt 12th. I feel I lost my two biggest supporters. My dad was my best friend and my step-dad was right next to it!

If your husband can't handle the 'heat' I promise you that you can do it without him. Remember you are STRONG!

With love and pratersn

Tina