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Could I've done more?


stillfighting431

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stillfighting431

I joined a few days ago & I've been reading a lot about guilt here which is even more overwhelming than the loss of the loved one themselves. My sister & I've been battling with it every waking moment since my mom passed away a little over a month ago, but it still feels like it happened yesterday.There isn't a minute when I don't feel a gaping hole inside me.She was72 years old.It'd always been my mom,dad,my elder sister & I,just the 4 of us always together.But it was my mom who who held it all together,the heart & soul of our world.She was more than just a mother to my sister & I,she was our best friend,our counsellor,teacher & guide.She started getting weak a few years ago,then fractured her hip on 7th may 2010.She had total hip replacement surgery (THR),2 1/2 months of complete bed rest ,followed by 5 months of intensive physical therapy to get back on her feet.She was diagnosed as severely osteoporotic which was a huge shock to us since we already giving her calcium suppplements,but apparently they weren't enough After the15 day stay at the hospital following T.H.R. she was cared for at home by my sister & I.My father who always had mild bouts of depression every now & then had a complete breakdown about a week after we brought our mom home from the hospital.Suddenly we had 2 sick parents & our world totally collapsed around us.Between my sister & I we took care of them both,changed 4 doctors for dad untill we realised that it was a complete nervous breakdown and what he really needed was a good psychiatrist.We got him one & he started to recover.By the end of 2010 both our parents were much better & up and around,though my sister & I were completely wornout &spread thin,but we had no complaints, just grateful.Then in january mom started complaining of severe back pain.Her surgeon who told us it was due to osteoporosis,although now she was getting calcium supplements & multivitamins delivered directly from the hospital.Then she developed cough & had a fever.We took her back to hospital to her surgeon who put her on nebulizer repsules,calcium nasal spray, antibiotics,a brace for her back ,X rayed her chest & back ,did a complete blood test and what not,told us it was't serios enough for her to be hospitalised.Slowly she got better but then developed fever again in june. We got her meds from the local chest specialist but she was'nt getting much better.So we took her to a multispecialist hospital the largest & most expensive one in the whole city.She was there for a week and was discharged when she got better,but within a week at home the fever came back and we rushed her back to the hospital in the night.Like before she was kept in the ICCU,and then moved to a private room in the ICCU itself.She was diagnosed with pnuemonnnia, pulmonary TB which she had probably picked up from the hospital itself,lower respiratory tract infection,tachychardia ,she had type 2 diabetes for many years already & after 15 days stay there,watcthing over her 24/7,sleeping on floor of the ICCU at night,spending money like water we still could't save her. She left us on 24th july 2011.

I still wish we could've done more.I feel like I can't grieve for her because I can't accept that there wasn't anything more that I could do for her.Each day my sister & I relive the past few months in our heads trying to figure out where we went wrong.My parents hate hospitals & would get very depressed when they was there.Could we'd seen it coming? We never imagined we would just loose her like that inspite of all of our hard work.Her head doctor & even all the nursing & cleaning staff would say that she was most neat & clean patient on the whole ward & that our parents were so lucky that they had children totally dedicated to serving them which is quite rare in this day & age but in the end that didn't change anything.Our father is still on anti depressants under his doctor's care who has increased his dosage a little to help him cope & he is actually coping much better than my sister & I.We're barely keeping it together & hanging on to each other to make it from one day to the next.

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I joined a few days ago & I've been reading a lot about guilt here which is even more overwhelming than the loss of the loved one themselves. My sister & I've been battling with it every waking moment since my mom passed away a little over a month ago, but it still feels like it happened yesterday.There isn't a minute when I don't feel a gaping hole inside me.She was72 years old.It'd always been my mom,dad,my elder sister & I,just the 4 of us always together.But it was my mom who who held it all together,the heart & soul of our world.She was more than just a mother to my sister & I,she was our best friend,our counsellor,teacher & guide.She started getting weak a few years ago,then fractured her hip on 7th may 2010.She had total hip replacement surgery (THR),2 1/2 months of complete bed rest ,followed by 5 months of intensive physical therapy to get back on her feet.She was diagnosed as severely osteoporotic which was a huge shock to us since we already giving her calcium suppplements,but apparently they weren't enough After the15 day stay at the hospital following T.H.R. she was cared for at home by my sister & I.My father who always had mild bouts of depression every now & then had a complete breakdown about a week after we brought our mom home from the hospital.Suddenly we had 2 sick parents & our world totally collapsed around us.Between my sister & I we took care of them both,changed 4 doctors for dad untill we realised that it was a complete nervous breakdown and what he really needed was a good psychiatrist.We got him one & he started to recover.By the end of 2010 both our parents were much better & up and around,though my sister & I were completely wornout &spread thin,but we had no complaints, just grateful.Then in january mom started complaining of severe back pain.Her surgeon who told us it was due to osteoporosis,although now she was getting calcium supplements & multivitamins delivered directly from the hospital.Then she developed cough & had a fever.We took her back to hospital to her surgeon who put her on nebulizer repsules,calcium nasal spray, antibiotics,a brace for her back ,X rayed her chest & back ,did a complete blood test and what not,told us it was't serios enough for her to be hospitalised.Slowly she got better but then developed fever again in june. We got her meds from the local chest specialist but she was'nt getting much better.So we took her to a multispecialist hospital the largest & most expensive one in the whole city.She was there for a week and was discharged when she got better,but within a week at home the fever came back and we rushed her back to the hospital in the night.Like before she was kept in the ICCU,and then moved to a private room in the ICCU itself.She was diagnosed with pnuemonnnia, pulmonary TB which she had probably picked up from the hospital itself,lower respiratory tract infection,tachychardia ,she had type 2 diabetes for many years already & after 15 days stay there,watcthing over her 24/7,sleeping on floor of the ICCU at night,spending money like water we still could't save her. She left us on 24th july 2011.

I still wish we could've done more.I feel like I can't grieve for her because I can't accept that there wasn't anything more that I could do for her.Each day my sister & I relive the past few months in our heads trying to figure out where we went wrong.My parents hate hospitals & would get very depressed when they was there.Could we'd seen it coming? We never imagined we would just loose her like that inspite of all of our hard work.Her head doctor & even all the nursing & cleaning staff would say that she was most neat & clean patient on the whole ward & that our parents were so lucky that they had children totally dedicated to serving them which is quite rare in this day & age but in the end that didn't change anything.Our father is still on anti depressants under his doctor's care who has increased his dosage a little to help him cope & he is actually coping much better than my sister & I.We're barely keeping it together & hanging on to each other to make it from one day to the next.

Stillfighting431

You couldn't have done any more than you did. You all did the very very best you could. Despite all the advances, the technology and the medical miracles, there are times when nothing works. I get very angry when I think that my own father's death could possibly have been avoided, or at least less painful that what it was if only one of his doctors would have paid more attention to him. But, there is nothing I can do now. Nothing will bring him back.

The only thing we can do is grieve and move forward. It sounds as though your father has a realistic and sound approach to your mother's passing.

It may be harder for you sisters because you devoted absolutely your entire heart, mind and body to caring for your mother. It may take more time for you all to accept what has happened. Please try to stop blaming yourself. Instead, try to focus on what was great about your mother, and what you will always remember and love about her. It would be good for your sisters and you to attend a self-help grief group or a counseling session to help you begin to move forward.

Please feel free to come back and share your feelings and thoughts. We will be here for you.

ModKonnie

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It sounds like you have a wonderful, supportive family. I know this is a very difficult time for you. Please know that we are here to listen, offer words of encouragement, share, and grieve together. At the end of a life we re-live the things that could have been different, or maybe if we had just done X, Y, or Z they would still be here. Your mother was blessed to have such loving daughters, and you were blessed to have had her love and presence in your life. Over time your heart will slowly begin to heal, but you will always miss her. I have found that I lean on my husband most now (I am an only child) and friends after the passing of my father. Just today my husband said so many kind words to me and did some extra little things to show he cares. So I made a point to send him a message of how much I appreciate him. I wish you peace during this difficult time. Keep posting. It truly does help.

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stillfighting431

Thank you both of you for your kind words.I haven't written in a long time because the week & a half of of each month are so busy paying bills,running errands,taking inventory of kitchen & bathroom supplies & stocking up for the month.It becomes doubly hard with the depression & panic attacks.

I'm so sorry for both of your losses.

I'm dealing better with the guilt now & trying to accept that I did my absolute best. And that ,in that moment of time,I could'nt forsee what I now wish I could've done.There's a constant debate going in my head,like my conscience putting me on trial for my actions.But I'm learning to forgive myself.

Thank you both for your help.

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Thank you both of you for your kind words.I haven't written in a long time because the week & a half of of each month are so busy paying bills,running errands,taking inventory of kitchen & bathroom supplies & stocking up for the month.It becomes doubly hard with the depression & panic attacks.

I'm so sorry for both of your losses.

I'm dealing better with the guilt now & trying to accept that I did my absolute best. And that ,in that moment of time,I could'nt forsee what I now wish I could've done.There's a constant debate going in my head,like my conscience putting me on trial for my actions.But I'm learning to forgive myself.

Thank you both for your help.

Hi,

The depression and anxiety attacks are very common with such a momentous loss. They will lessen as time goes by. You may also experience insomnia or even just the opposite and strange dreams or nightmares. All of that will eventually lessen. Talking about your feelings, either by joining a self help group, coming here or journaling will honestly help you move forward.

We all second guess and wish and wish that we would have done things differently. But "It is what it is," and you cannot go back and change the past. You made the right choice. Your love guided you in the right direction.

ModKonnie

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