Everything is Gone.

[DarlaDarling]

Hi there. This is my first post here. I would greatly appreicate any advice you can offer.

My father died this spring. He was 85, he had a long life, his death was peaceful at home with hopsice. My mother died years ago and my father had remarried. My stepmother is still living. She has done alot for me over the years and my father loved her. They needed each other (her first husband had died after 50 years of marriage.) She took amazing care of my father when he was ill. However, at times, there is an aspect of her personality that my husband would say 'is an acquired taste'. I have never confronted her about anything, I do not want the burden of arguement. We are who we are.

After my father's passing, she planned on staying in his house (he willed it to me) for a year. Then she changed it to three years. Then to the end of this year. Now to leaving labor day weekend. She only told me that when I called to see how she was. It is a good move for her as she is 87 and is going to be closer to her family in an assisted living. But it is this coming weekend and I am overwhelmed with everything coming up now. I thought I had years to think about this.

The problem in a nutshell is this: she has been cleaning out the house. Things that do not belong to her - my father's, mother's, grandmother's, aunt's...etc. She has also been giving me her 'advice' on how to dispose of other items of my father's. She began the day after he died by wanting to auction things to reimburse her for out of cost on caregivers. (I almost died when she said that because my father's money also paid for this.) It went on and on and on. I was not ready. She kept coming up with ideas of how to get rid of everything. She would not listen to "NO". It ended with a two page letter sent to me under the heading of 'business'.......telling me how my father loved a cousin of mine, of what that cousin did for my father, how she was always jealous of him, and telling me to give everything to him and how I would feel once I did what she wanted. (I would feel good about myself.)

The cousin was good to my father, especially when he (the cousin) was young. He has grown up to think everything is owed to him. When my mother was dying, the day my father and I had to deciede on life support, he tried to get me to tell my father to leave his house and land in trust in his name. This is one of many insulting and sad things he has done over the years. I wish him the best in his life but really want nothing to do with him. I would not treat anyone the way he treated me.

Now, with my stepmother leaving, I am going to have to sell my father's house. I have had two neighbors come wanting things ..... I live out of state and they got my phone nubmer and called me. One wants the house and land - offered me less than half the value. The other wants to go through my father's tools and equipment before the 'yard sale'. (There is no yard sale my stepmother must have told him there would be one.) I feel like people are picking over the carcass.

The worst part is I live 2000 miles away and now have to fly home, pack things up, give things away etc. And sell the house.

I have barly been able to cry for my father. I do not think it has really hit me yet. Now, a few days ago, with all of this going on, I have begun to cry. I do not know what to do. How do I let my father's possessions and house go? He built it with his own hands and was very, very, very attached to it and proud of his work. But I can't keep it living so far away. I have found a nice realtor who is older and has had to do the same thing with her father's house. Last night I told her I would list it with her. But I still have to fly home and go through everything. I am scared.

I am afraid that when I walk back into the house I am going to lose my mind with grief. The home is all that is left of family as well......the good one's left this earth already...........the lousy one's are not welcome to be part of my life. (They only come around when they want something anyway.) I am concerned that they will turn up once the house is on the market as well.

HELP!

PS: I hope this makes sense - difficult to put in writing.

[SadRN]

I am so very sorry for the loss of your father. If it were just the grief we had to deal with when our loved ones die things might be somewhat simpler in a way. I have a few words of advice (take them or leave them, they are meant with kindness and compassion):

1. If you have someone that is very supportive and understanding (spouse, significant other, good friend), take them with you to go to the house. They will be a huge support to you during a difficult time. Seeing those "things" (house, items, pictures, etc.) may actually be comforting to you after the initial shock wears off. While you are there, take pictures of the house and other things that you remember, and go through old pictures and take some that bring back special memories.

2. Ignore the neighbors and others who are there to manipulate you or irritate you. You do not need that right now. And if they ask, tell them that this is a very hard time for you right now and that you are making no quick decisions.

3. Maybe find 1 special item to send to the cousin and tell your step-mother about this. And then forget all about it. If your father willed the house and its belongings to you, he did so because you were his child and he loved you- period. They are yours. And you can do whatever YOU want to with all of it. Maybe there are things you want to keep as special memories. There are companies you can get to take care of extra stuff that needs to go through auctions or just clean up if needed. Your real estate agent can point you in the right direction on that. And remember, it was the moments and experiences and memories of your father and his life that will stay with you in the end.

4. If you do talk with your step-mother during your visit, just be honest that it is a difficult thing for you and you are making decision based on what you feel your dad would have wanted. And leave it at that. Also, you might mention your appreciation of her care for him during his illness. But no need to go into hurtful conversations at this point.

Unfortunately people come out of the woodwork when someone you love dies and act in ways that you never thought possible. At the funeral visitation for my dad (died in April, age 63) my uncle came up and started crying hysterically and then asked me about land and money over my dad's casket. It was tough. I was in so much pain and just could not fathom that someone would think about "stuff" at a funeral. Hang in there. The people on this discussion board are very caring and helpful. I have found much comfort by venting here. Wishing you peace and comfort during this very difficult time...

Hi there. This is my first post here. I would greatly appreicate any advice you can offer.

My father died this spring. He was 85, he had a long life, his death was peaceful at home with hopsice. My mother died years ago and my father had remarried. My stepmother is still living. She has done alot for me over the years and my father loved her. They needed each other (her first husband had died after 50 years of marriage.) She took amazing care of my father when he was ill. However, at times, there is an aspect of her personality that my husband would say 'is an acquired taste'. I have never confronted her about anything, I do not want the burden of arguement. We are who we are.

After my father's passing, she planned on staying in his house (he willed it to me) for a year. Then she changed it to three years. Then to the end of this year. Now to leaving labor day weekend. She only told me that when I called to see how she was. It is a good move for her as she is 87 and is going to be closer to her family in an assisted living. But it is this coming weekend and I am overwhelmed with everything coming up now. I thought I had years to think about this.

The problem in a nutshell is this: she has been cleaning out the house. Things that do not belong to her - my father's, mother's, grandmother's, aunt's...etc. She has also been giving me her 'advice' on how to dispose of other items of my father's. She began the day after he died by wanting to auction things to reimburse her for out of cost on caregivers. (I almost died when she said that because my father's money also paid for this.) It went on and on and on. I was not ready. She kept coming up with ideas of how to get rid of everything. She would not listen to "NO". It ended with a two page letter sent to me under the heading of 'business'.......telling me how my father loved a cousin of mine, of what that cousin did for my father, how she was always jealous of him, and telling me to give everything to him and how I would feel once I did what she wanted. (I would feel good about myself.)

The cousin was good to my father, especially when he (the cousin) was young. He has grown up to think everything is owed to him. When my mother was dying, the day my father and I had to deciede on life support, he tried to get me to tell my father to leave his house and land in trust in his name. This is one of many insulting and sad things he has done over the years. I wish him the best in his life but really want nothing to do with him. I would not treat anyone the way he treated me.

Now, with my stepmother leaving, I am going to have to sell my father's house. I have had two neighbors come wanting things ..... I live out of state and they got my phone nubmer and called me. One wants the house and land - offered me less than half the value. The other wants to go through my father's tools and equipment before the 'yard sale'. (There is no yard sale my stepmother must have told him there would be one.) I feel like people are picking over the carcass.

The worst part is I live 2000 miles away and now have to fly home, pack things up, give things away etc. And sell the house.

I have barly been able to cry for my father. I do not think it has really hit me yet. Now, a few days ago, with all of this going on, I have begun to cry. I do not know what to do. How do I let my father's possessions and house go? He built it with his own hands and was very, very, very attached to it and proud of his work. But I can't keep it living so far away. I have found a nice realtor who is older and has had to do the same thing with her father's house. Last night I told her I would list it with her. But I still have to fly home and go through everything. I am scared.

I am afraid that when I walk back into the house I am going to lose my mind with grief. The home is all that is left of family as well......the good one's left this earth already...........the lousy one's are not welcome to be part of my life. (They only come around when they want something anyway.) I am concerned that they will turn up once the house is on the market as well.

HELP!

PS: I hope this makes sense - difficult to put in writing.