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HELP ME!!


benjen879

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Here goes:

My husband and I nearly divorced (per his request) last year around September. I was able to talk him into counselling which went very well in my opinion. By Christmas things were looking up and we were moving on in our marriage with very little hiccups. Okay now fast forward to the present. We just bought and moved into our "dream house" we couldn't have been happier and I thought this was exactly what we needed to get a fresh new start on our 10+ year marriage. The week after we moved in my Husband's (my father-in-law) very terminally ill dad moved in to our house b/c he can no longer live alone and we decided together that we would take him in. This all happened very quickly as I stated all within a 3 week period. To make things even more complicated we have a 10 year old son and a 8 year daughter who also started a new school in these 3 weeks. Needless to say taking in my father-in-law has come with so much more than either of us had expected. Not only are we trying to have our family structure but now we are working around a very ill man and everything that comes along with it. He has visitors literally everyday, medications that have to be regulated and we can not even use our home anymore b/c he insist on being in the living room so our common area his always in use by him and his friends/family. My husband refuses to think that he is putting me and the kids through any type of hassle or change, we gave up our home to someone that we had no bond with. Actually he and his dad were not close either. He says that our house is now his dad's house and he can do as he pleases. I completely understand that he needs and wants company and I want that for him. I am just trying to maintain some type of structure for the kids and for his dad too. He needs rest! Here's where the problem starts.....his dad is very wealthy and just gave my husband a large sum of money. He and I have always shared in the finances and have a joint bank account. I have been the primary bread winner up until this point and the house and all our vehicles are in my name. Literally 2 days after he deposited that money we got into an argument (over some decisions regarding his DAD not money related) and he says to me that I am not getting one dime of his money and went out and opened his own account and emptied ours.

What if anything should I do?

I'm hurt on SO many different levels....the fight had nothing to do with money, I never had him supporting me and kids before, everything I have ever made as far as income was at his disposal also. I feel like he was just waiting to get some money so that he could leave me:-( I'm so sad that I can't even talk to him. My car needs a lot of repairs right now and I drive a very long commute and he won't even help me with that. We struggled together for so many years financially (even when he got fired and was out of work for 6 months) and got to this point together. Now that he has $$ he totally threw me out of the equation.

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Here goes:

My husband and I nearly divorced (per his request) last year around September. I was able to talk him into counselling which went very well in my opinion. By Christmas things were looking up and we were moving on in our marriage with very little hiccups. Okay now fast forward to the present. We just bought and moved into our "dream house" we couldn't have been happier and I thought this was exactly what we needed to get a fresh new start on our 10+ year marriage. The week after we moved in my Husband's (my father-in-law) very terminally ill dad moved in to our house b/c he can no longer live alone and we decided together that we would take him in. This all happened very quickly as I stated all within a 3 week period. To make things even more complicated we have a 10 year old son and a 8 year daughter who also started a new school in these 3 weeks. Needless to say taking in my father-in-law has come with so much more than either of us had expected. Not only are we trying to have our family structure but now we are working around a very ill man and everything that comes along with it. He has visitors literally everyday, medications that have to be regulated and we can not even use our home anymore b/c he insist on being in the living room so our common area his always in use by him and his friends/family. My husband refuses to think that he is putting me and the kids through any type of hassle or change, we gave up our home to someone that we had no bond with. Actually he and his dad were not close either. He says that our house is now his dad's house and he can do as he pleases. I completely understand that he needs and wants company and I want that for him. I am just trying to maintain some type of structure for the kids and for his dad too. He needs rest! Here's where the problem starts.....his dad is very wealthy and just gave my husband a large sum of money. He and I have always shared in the finances and have a joint bank account. I have been the primary bread winner up until this point and the house and all our vehicles are in my name. Literally 2 days after he deposited that money we got into an argument (over some decisions regarding his DAD not money related) and he says to me that I am not getting one dime of his money and went out and opened his own account and emptied ours.

What if anything should I do?

I'm hurt on SO many different levels....the fight had nothing to do with money, I never had him supporting me and kids before, everything I have ever made as far as income was at his disposal also. I feel like he was just waiting to get some money so that he could leave me:-( I'm so sad that I can't even talk to him. My car needs a lot of repairs right now and I drive a very long commute and he won't even help me with that. We struggled together for so many years financially (even when he got fired and was out of work for 6 months) and got to this point together. Now that he has $$ he totally threw me out of the equation.

You both are under tremendous stress. His father is dying, your relationship is estranged and your husband thinks he can run away from the problems.

First off, you really really need to get a counselor for you. Even if he won't go, you and the kids need some help. Next, let me ask you this--you say that you are the breadwinner and everything is in your name. Well, have you thrown that in his face ever? Did you make him feel like you should have the control because you have the money? (I'm only asking because my husband has done that to me before and we have had numerous issues over it).

Has your hubby left your house? What about his father? How much time does he have left to live? Is he aware of the strain?

You need to set a visitor's schedule and get other family members to help with caregiving. Start recruiting them to pitch in. Put the television in one of the kid's bedrooms, or yours. Throw a chair in one of the rooms where you can all congregate as a family if you need to. These are all some simple suggestions.

I have taken care of my mother-in-law in my home. It was really hard. We had visitors, I was trying to work, I had four kids--it was awful. My husband and I tried not to argue, but we did.

For now, try to remain calm and talk peaceably with your husband and truly try to listen to his concerns. In the meantime, if things get even worse, then you may want to consult a lawyer. I believe he has to share that money with you because you are married and he received it while you are married. Do you think he is going to go spend it?

Keep us informed,

ModKonnie

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Attaining Peace

I've been through 2 divorces, the first lasted 10 yrs and the second 4 years. I really felt like a piece of **** and a failure. I have done allot of healing since then, and would offer you any help that I can. My healing has taken me to realize that they were successful marriages that changed in divorce. Some nature laws I learned that assisted in this transformation was 1 we live in an impermanent world, 2 everything lives and dies according to its creations, 3 we create our own misery by trying to change or keep whats changing.

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