more I could have done?

[wdelaney72]

I lost my mom on June 25, 2011...she was only 59 years old, I am 38 and she was my best friend, the only person in the world I trusted and could talk to. She had been put into a nursing home for rehab, she was a diabetic and had already had an amputation and lost her right foot, prior to being placed into the nursing home she was being cared for at home by myself and my children (I am an only child) and had developed a sore on her left foot. Her doctor had decided that it would be best if she was treated in a nursing home where she would receive around the clock skilled nursing care since she was diabetic and also had kidney problems. I went to visit my mom on the Monday morning before she passed, she was depressed which was an ongoing thing because she wanted to be home, she cried and told me she knew she was never going home and I asked her to stay positive and not to think like that. I work overnight so I went home after our visit to sleep, when I awoke that afternoon I had received a voice mail from the nursing home saying that my mom had been brought to the hospital. Upon arriving at the hospital I was told her kidneys were failing and they were going to do dialysis and that we would know after 5 days if it was working. She was also septic and had pneumonia. On her third day in the hospital and after 2 dialysis treatments I was told that the treatments had failed and that my mom was actively dieing. My mom had never regained consciousness, I hadn't been able to speak with her since that Monday morning, I was left with making the decisions about her healthcare. After consulting with the doctors I had decided to contact hospice and bring her home, where she always wanted to be. She made it home on Friday afternoon and we cared for her, supplying only comfort care at this point, my mom passed away Saturday morning. I can't help but think I should have forced the doctor's to do more, I shouldn't have given up on her. I am glad that I was able to bring her home but I can't help feeling the guilt that I contributed to her death by listening to the doctors and not fighting more. Although they all reassure me I did the right thing, I am losing touch with my family (aunts, uncles and cousins) because it hurts too much to see or talk to them, my mom was always my link to them and the pain of knowing that link is gone is still hard for me to handle. I miss her dearly and wish I knew for sure that there was nothing more I could have done. Has anyone else that has been in a similar situation had these feelings? is it normal or am I losing it?

[ModKonnie]

I lost my mom on June 25, 2011...she was only 59 years old, I am 38 and she was my best friend, the only person in the world I trusted and could talk to. She had been put into a nursing home for rehab, she was a diabetic and had already had an amputation and lost her right foot, prior to being placed into the nursing home she was being cared for at home by myself and my children (I am an only child) and had developed a sore on her left foot. Her doctor had decided that it would be best if she was treated in a nursing home where she would receive around the clock skilled nursing care since she was diabetic and also had kidney problems. I went to visit my mom on the Monday morning before she passed, she was depressed which was an ongoing thing because she wanted to be home, she cried and told me she knew she was never going home and I asked her to stay positive and not to think like that. I work overnight so I went home after our visit to sleep, when I awoke that afternoon I had received a voice mail from the nursing home saying that my mom had been brought to the hospital. Upon arriving at the hospital I was told her kidneys were failing and they were going to do dialysis and that we would know after 5 days if it was working. She was also septic and had pneumonia. On her third day in the hospital and after 2 dialysis treatments I was told that the treatments had failed and that my mom was actively dieing. My mom had never regained consciousness, I hadn't been able to speak with her since that Monday morning, I was left with making the decisions about her healthcare. After consulting with the doctors I had decided to contact hospice and bring her home, where she always wanted to be. She made it home on Friday afternoon and we cared for her, supplying only comfort care at this point, my mom passed away Saturday morning. I can't help but think I should have forced the doctor's to do more, I shouldn't have given up on her. I am glad that I was able to bring her home but I can't help feeling the guilt that I contributed to her death by listening to the doctors and not fighting more. Although they all reassure me I did the right thing, I am losing touch with my family (aunts, uncles and cousins) because it hurts too much to see or talk to them, my mom was always my link to them and the pain of knowing that link is gone is still hard for me to handle. I miss her dearly and wish I knew for sure that there was nothing more I could have done. Has anyone else that has been in a similar situation had these feelings? is it normal or am I losing it?

Overwhelmedwithguilt,

You did everything that was right. There are times when no matter what we hope and pray for, doctors reach a point where they can do nothing else but provide comfort. The decision to call in Hospice is difficult; I've had to do it twice now. It was the right choice.

As far as your link--you can be the link now. You can continue your relationships; you just have to make a small effort. Call your relatives and start interacting. They will be so happy. I am sure they are as worried as you are about losing touch.

I am sorry about your mother. You will find others here who have also suffered such profound loss. We will be here for you.

ModKonnie

[wifbible2]

Hello,

I lost my dad june 15,2010. First, let me answer some questions from a medical standpoint. I have been a registered nurse for 26yrs. Most of that time I did nursing home, dialysis or actually home care/hospice. It sounds like the docs gave your moms body a good fighting chance by treating the kidney failure and infection. AND YOU my dear, did exactly what YOU were suppose to do. You relied on the experience and wisdom of the medical professionals to direct your decisions!! YOU gave your mom the BEST gift ever...the freedom to have her last wishes carried out at HOME. I have frequently said that death can b just as beautiful as birth!

DON'T doubt yourself! I firmly believe that sometimes people realize their time is shorter on earth than we r aware.

I think if you had carried on with more medical interventions she would have suffered. YOU had the strength to do what tour mom wanted and you should be proud of yourself

[wdelaney72]

Thank you so much, it is getting a little easier to accept that I did the right thing. My latest challenge is that my grandson was born last month and my mother would have been so happy he is her first great grandchild. While my daughter was pregnant she went out of her way to make sure she took care of herself, even while she was helping care for her. My mom was an amputee because of her diabetes and with the fluid retention from her kidney problems she was immobile and we had to use a lift to move her to and from her wheel chair. She would wait for someone else to be home rather than ask my daughter to do it because she didn't want to harm the baby. She went through so much and she didn't get to see him, it just breaks my heart. Hospice is having a memorial this week and I am hoping I am strong enough not to lose it during the ceremony, especially since this will be the first time I will be seeing most of my family since she passed.

Thank you again for your kind words, it's a comfort to know that I am not alone and others are or have had these or similar feelings.

[letters2mary]

You have my compassion. It sounds like you were very devoted. I think each of us who cares, in whatever form, wonders at times about the "what more could I have done" question, completely failing to comprehend all that one was in fact doing, giving one's all. Unfortunately, our best efforts cannot inhibit loss and all the kaleidoscope of feelings that are ushered in with the loss. Try to look at what you have written and see what others see -- a loving family member doing the absolute best.

<<Namaste.>>

[Nicholeg89]

I lost my mom suddenly too, after seeing her only a couple days before. The doctors gave my mom a very positive diagnosis to her lymphoma, but early one day I received a call that she was in critical condition. Her tumor had gotten ahold of an artery leading to her brain and torn it open. She never regained consciousness either and the decisions were left up to me. I am only 21 my mom was 49. The doctors worked on her all day long And they eventually told me that all their efforts had not been successful, but they could stop the bleeding by cutting the artery and giving her a stroke which could also be fatal. I had to make a decision to take her off the medicine that was keeping her alive and I choose to take her off the medicine because even the doctors couldn't see her making it. From what I understand, the doctors told you all their efforts didn't work. So you brought your mom home to a place that was comfortable to her and exactly where she wanted to be. I can only see what you did as an act of pure love and devotion to your mother's wishes. She could only be at peace in the place she wanted to be with the ones who love her beside her. My mom passed with her whole family beside her telling her we loved her. She passed without any pain and as the doctors told us, nothing could have been more peaceful. My mom most likely hadn't defeated her tumor and would have gone through so much more pain for no reason. There are reasons why something's happen in a certain way so there is less pain or they can pass in the place they call home. There shouldn't be guilt for giving your mom what she wanted. As for your family, talk with them. It's painful, but they understand your pain and having them for support will help you heal. Doing so will also help you become a stronger person which is something you might not think you can do, but you might just surprise yourself at what you're capable of doing after the loss you have just had. You are already stronger than you think. Good luck to you and my prayers are with you.