He wasn't my baby

[ShaynaG]

He wasn't mine.  I loved him like my own, but he had a mother who loved him.  I was just a step mother.  I never knew that the loss of a child that wasn't mine could be so devastating.  I didn't know that loving someone else's baby could destroy me, but it did.  He was 33.  A driver that supposedly couldn't see him changed my life forever.  He was on a motorcycle.  She was in a car.  She didn't see him so she turned in front of him.  He hit her and flew over the top of her car.  We pray that he was killed instantly because the alternative is too much to bear.  There was no blood at the accident scene, but his body was bruised.  His torso was disfigured.  His neck was swollen and distorted.  Please, God, let him have died instantly. 

Now, he's gone.  It has been two years, and I still can't believe he's gone.  That boy wasn't mine, but he lived with me.  He was my husband's son.  He was my son.  I would have given my life to save his, but it was too late.  She killed him.  SHE KILLED HIM!  How can that be?  No charges. She walked away.  She killed my son and she just walked away.  I'm angry.  I didn't know I could hurt this much.  Two years later and I have two choices, ignore it and pretend like it didn't happen or feel the most unimaginable pain I have ever felt.  Those aren't good options.  I wish he had died of cancer.  At least that would have been expected.  This was sudden.  One day, I had three sons.  The next day, I had two.  Two sons.  Just two, not three, just two. What do I do with two sons?  What do I do when one of the men that makes my heart beat is gone?  He was the oldest son.  He was wise...much wiser than his years.  He was a smart kid, a hard worker, a kind man.  My heart doesn't beat the same as it did.  It skips a beat every time I think or say his name.  Every time I see his face in my mind I lose my breath and the tears come.  The tears never stop, never.  They come in the middle of the night, when I wake in a panic and realize again that he's gone.  He's gone.  How can he be gone?  How do I heal?  When I do heal?  Two years.  He died two years ago...actually a little more than two years ago.  As long as I pretend, I'm ok, but when I let myself realize that he is gone....when I read the obituary or look at his pictures.....it is real and I can't breath.  I can't function.  There is only devastation....only pain.....only the most soul-shaking sadness I have ever known.  I don't know what to do with that.  i don't know how to process it.  i don't know how to live with the death of my child. 

My husband doesn't talk about it....about him.  Every time I say his name, I feel like I have done something wrong, said something wrong.  I need to say his name.  I need to acknowledge his life.  He was a good man.  He helped people more than the average person.  He WAS somebody, and I think we do him a disservice when we don't even say his name, but to say his name in home is like a crime.  To speak the name "Kyle" is almost like blasphemy.  He was a musician, but I can't listen to his music.  Not yet.  I tried, but it was just more than I could do.  I was tasked with compiling his songs, but I just can't go through them.  When I do, his voice haunts me.  When I hear it, it reminds of better days....days when I did all I could to make his life better...days when he was my son.  It reminds me that he had a message that never got out.  He had something to tell the world and very few heard it because of his untimely death.  It reminds me that he was a person with his own mind, his own heart and his own mission in life.  That is over now....and it reminds me of that too.  I love his songs, but I can't listen to them.  I'm not sure if I ever will again.  I'm not sure if anyone will ever again hear them. 

Everyone around me is oblivious.  Nobody even knows that I still think about him....still see his face in my dreams....still wake up in a panic because I relive the planning of his funeral or the lowering of his casket into the ground.  Nobody knows that I question the existence of God because of Kyle's death.  There was no reason to take him, and don't give me that crap about "he was needed in heaven more than he was needed here."  That isn't possible.  There is no rhyme or reason for his death...no "grand plan".  There is no plan in the universe that makes sense, and if there is no grand plan, then there must not be a God.  No merciful God would subject parents to this kind of pain and anguish.  No benevolent God would take someone, in the prime of his life, for no reason.  It just cannot be so.  My son was killed and it was the most devastating thing I have ever experienced.  This will never heal.  I will never heal. 

[reader]

Dear Shayna,

The pain of losing a child is unimaginable. There are so many raw emotions and it's so important to be able to talk someone and have them truly hear you. I hope you can find a support group or church group that will help. I wanted to suggest some online options that I have found helpful.

Grief in Common

Grief Share

Grief Healing Blog

Thinking of you.

[Gail 8588]

Shayna, 

I am so very sorry for your loss.  Thank you for sharing a bit of  Kyle's life story.  He sounds like a wonderful man, caring and kind.  It is absolutely tragic that his life ended so senselessly.

I hope one day you will be able to listen to his music and tell people, that is my son Kyle singing. 

You will always have three sons.  Your love for him will continue all of your life, as it should. I feel certain your husband's love for Kyle continues too, though it is too much for him to speak of it now. 

Wishing you peace.

Gail