Joshua's Momma

[StaceyS]

30 days ago, I know because I have counted every one... I have seen every sunrise... My 29 year old son Joshua died! I don't even know where to start, or end... so here I am wandering what to do now, how do I do this?? He left us two beautiful boys ages 7 and 3 I am so thankful for them but right now they remind me of when he was that age and that makes me sad, which makes me feel... I don't know how I feel... just pain, pure, raw, unrelenting pain...

[westleysmom]

Stacy-I'm so very sorry for the loss of Joshua. My 20 (almost 21) year old son Westley died last January 13 in his sleep on a friend's couch. He had told me he would be home later and I went to bed. I woke up to my cellphone ringing at 5:30 in the morning and his friend couldn't wake him. All of the days since then have seemed to be a waking nightmare. I found this place last summer and it has really helped me to understand my feelings and what I'm going through. I post mostly on the Loss of Adult Child thread where there are way too many of us who have lost a beloved child. If you go to that thread, just reply to it and introduce yourself. You may not feel like it at first, I "lurked" for a while before I felt like I could even think of anything coherent to post (some people might say I started before I was coherent and that I'm not even coherent most of the time now). But just reading what was going on in other's lives who have been in this longer gave me hope. And there is hope. You have his children and we all have our memories and the love that we have for our children never dies. When you feel up to it, everyone here would love to hear about Joshua and you and believe it or not, one of the things that seems to help me most is supporting others who are on this lonely road. You are so soon to this sadness, you are still in shock, dear one. But everybody here gets it. The only way to do this is one day, one moment, one breath at a time.

[hotrod]

Dear Stacey

I am so sorry for the loss of your precious son, Joshua. You have found a safe haven where you will be heard and understood. The pain you describe is very similar to the pain we have all experienced at the loss of our oh so loved children. I lost my only child, Stephen 4our years ago and this Board saved my sanity.

Please come back often. Tell us about Joshua. Post his pictures in the Gallery and connect with other parents who are on this road. We all post on the Loss of Adult Child section so when you respond--Just click on that section and then click on "Reply "and post More will see you message and welcome you.

Keep coming back The pain does ease It is a long hard road but you will not be alone.

[wyomingsal]

Stacy,

I am so sorry for your loss. I lost my 10 year old Joshua in a drowing accident 7/20/07. I still miss him and have days 4 years later when I still shed tears because he isn't here with me. You are still so early in this journy. Please be extra kind to yourself. Don't judge yourself for how you feel or how hard this is for you. This is the absolute worst loss you can face...your baby isn't allowed to go before you. It is incomprehedible. For me the 3-7th months were almost harder then the 1st month. I cried every day on the way to and from work just thinking about my Joshua and missing him. The tears helped to release some of the inner turmoil...I think if I tried to hold all the pain in I would have exploded. I read that for the loss of a child it takes the parents up to three years to grieve. (I think for the rest of your life but it will get easier and softer). I laugh again and live life. I enjoy my living kids. It sounds like you have some beautiful grandchildren. Find a smile from their beauty and their joy in life. It is so hard to lose a daddy...they need you more then ever. There will come a time when they need someone to share with them about how wonderful their Daddy was and to tell them you can see their daddy in them. They are a living gift from Joshua to you. Cherish them.

[StaceyS]

Thank you so much for you kind words... and yes I do cherish my grandsons and my youngest son Jacob and daughter Jennifer... I am also blessed with a loving, understanding husband! So then why is it I feel so alone in this grief? I know they all miss him too but I was his momma... last week when everone posted pictures of their kids returning to school for the first day it too me right back to that day for me! I cried that first day of school then and I cried this year... I noticed yur son's name was Joshua too... I never noticed how many boys/men are named Joshua until now... I hear his name everywhere, I see it on nametages, etc.... Joshua's are everywhere... but not mine!!! ERRRRRRRRRRRR I just want to scream! ~~~ Stacey

Stacy,

I am so sorry for your loss. I lost my 10 year old Joshua in a drowing accident 7/20/07. I still miss him and have days 4 years later when I still shed tears because he isn't here with me. You are still so early in this journy. Please be extra kind to yourself. Don't judge yourself for how you feel or how hard this is for you. This is the absolute worst loss you can face...your baby isn't allowed to go before you. It is incomprehedible. For me the 3-7th months were almost harder then the 1st month. I cried every day on the way to and from work just thinking about my Joshua and missing him. The tears helped to release some of the inner turmoil...I think if I tried to hold all the pain in I would have exploded. I read that for the loss of a child it takes the parents up to three years to grieve. (I think for the rest of your life but it will get easier and softer). I laugh again and live life. I enjoy my living kids. It sounds like you have some beautiful grandchildren. Find a smile from their beauty and their joy in life. It is so hard to lose a daddy...they need you more then ever. There will come a time when they need someone to share with them about how wonderful their Daddy was and to tell them you can see their daddy in them. They are a living gift from Joshua to you. Cherish them.

[shellyku]

Dear StaceyS - I am so so sorry to hear of the loss of your dear son, Joshua.

This, as you say, is not supposed to happen...our child leaving before us! It is

not the natural order of things! It is a blessing that you have Joshua's children

to love and cherish, but it does not take away your pain.

My daughter, Sarah, died August 18, 2010 from leukemia. We just passed her

first angelversary and I feel numb, almost like when it first happened. Sarah was

29 years old also. She was a teacher (as is our younger daughter, Jill) and she

got married in the hospital because she could not fly to St. Lucia where her fiance

Andy and she planned their wedding. They were married for only 7 months when

she passed.

This is so hard! But the responses you got from the other Indigos is absolutely

rock-solid. Please come to the Loss of an Adult Child thread of this website and

you will find the most compassionate, caring people. They have helped me immensely

just by their kind, loving, encouraging words.

StaceyS - You are in my prayers and I wish for you peace and comfort...even if it is an

inch at a time on this long journey we all find ourselves on. Shelly