Loss of a fiance

[Jennifer33]

My heart is broken I don't know what to do. My fiance and I were supposed to be married in May of 2020 but Covid changed those plans then on November 2, 2020 he had an AVM rupture and the doctors gave no hope but he ended up regaining consciousness and having meaningful movement. The hospital wanted to get rid of him since the beginning and eventually sent him to acute rehab prematurely. He died not even 48 hours after being in rehab on January 27, 2021. I feel like I can't stop crying no matter what I did. I'm upset with God because I didn't think this was our end. I thought he was going to be a testimony for others. I'm mad because I'm 33 years old and I wanted to start a family. I wanted so many things and now it's over. I didn't think I deserved anymore pain I've been through enough. I lost my dad when I was 17, I took care of him along with my mom since I was 10 he had Alzheimer's I grew up so fast how could anymore happen to me. Why me?? I've been a good girl. My fiance was the only man I'd ever been with, he was my first to many things. Why? Why him? He had faith that God was going to bring him out of this. Why why why? Why did God do this to me when I am not a bad person? Why did He do this to him if he was such a man of God?? Why? How do I cope with this? I don't want to cry or suffer anymore. What do I do?

[Sparky1]

Jennifer, I am truly sorry for the loss of your fiance. My wife was in the hospital and they couldn't wait to discharge her even though she had just had radiation and chemotherapy for her cancer. She passed away in October from too strong of a chemotherapy and my life has been devastated.

You have come to a good place here, since most of us share a lot of the same feelings you are experiencing. I hope you can find some comfort from knowing that you are not alone in this horrible journey.

[Perro J]

Jennifer,

First and foremost my condolences for your loss. I lost my love in July 2020 and  you are wrestling with the same questions I am. My love was a devout, charismatic Catholic. While I have my own ideas about God that differ from that - the questions remain the same. The prime one being "Why?" I regret I don't have an answer for you. Next week will mark one year from the moment I learned she had cancer. I, in turn, was the one that had to break the news to my love that she had cancer. I remember how stoically she took the news. She even insisted that with faith and prayer she would be a witness to the power of God.

And now here I am. Alone.

Unquestionably, she walked her talk. She had me attend a prayer group where she was leading the discussion. The group spoke in Spanish - of which I am still learning - but I was able to follow enough of what she said to understand the depth of her faith. She was speaking of how she applied her faith in her life. She had rituals but her faith was not simply repeated dogma. It had thought and introspection applied to it and for that I had to respect it. If it came down to it - she was simply a better human being than I am. If God was supposed to let someone live - why shouldn't it have been her? Why am I still here? I don't have answers to these questions either. Some days I think I arrive at a conclusion only to find my mind changes days later.

As her condition deteriorated and she became more frail and sick, I observed something. This observation is the thing I would like to share with you. Her faith, rather than being the conduit for a miraculous recovery, did serve her as a tool for coping with her illness and even the threat of her death. In that regard, it had utility. It had value. I concede I would have preferred the miracle.

There was a piece of literature I read after her death that contained an idea that helped me a little. Forgive me for not recalling the source at the moment. It made note of the backside of a woven tapestry. It explained that perhaps our worldly perspective is like viewing the back side of the tapestry. Knots and stitches, blotches of color in vague-at-best forms. The idea being that the true designs of God are actually drawn out on the other side of the tapestry - the side we cannot see. That helps me a little because I know that I cannot make sense of it in this world. Maybe it does make sense in a place beyond my perception and understanding.

I don't know if what I've said will help you - but I hope it does.

I hope you find solace.

[Gail 8588]

Jennifer,

I am so sorry for your loss. It is so unfair that this has happened. 

There is no answer to the question why.  We have all asked it.  I really appreciated Perro's comment that there may be another perspective that we are not able to see.  I hope so, because from this side of the tapestry, it makes no sense to me. 

I am so sorry you have joined us on this unwelcome grief journey. None of us chose to be here. But we have chosen to try to help each other on this sad, painful path. 

Many of the people around you may not understand the depth of your pain. We get it, as our lives have been shattered too by the death of our true love. 

Come here when you need to cry out, rant, question or just read others posts. There is some comfort in knowing you are not alone.

For now just try to take one day at a time.  It is challenge enough. 

Gail

[KayC]

21 hours ago, Jennifer33 said:

My heart is broken I don't know what to do. My fiance and I were supposed to be married in May of 2020 but Covid changed those plans then on November 2, 2020 he had an AVM rupture and the doctors gave no hope but he ended up regaining consciousness and having meaningful movement. The hospital wanted to get rid of him since the beginning and eventually sent him to acute rehab prematurely. He died not even 48 hours after being in rehab on January 27, 2021. I feel like I can't stop crying no matter what I did. I'm upset with God because I didn't think this was our end. I thought he was going to be a testimony for others. I'm mad because I'm 33 years old and I wanted to start a family. I wanted so many things and now it's over. I didn't think I deserved anymore pain I've been through enough. I lost my dad when I was 17, I took care of him along with my mom since I was 10 he had Alzheimer's I grew up so fast how could anymore happen to me. Why me?? I've been a good girl. My fiance was the only man I'd ever been with, he was my first to many things. Why? Why him? He had faith that God was going to bring him out of this. Why why why? Why did God do this to me when I am not a bad person? Why did He do this to him if he was such a man of God?? Why? How do I cope with this? I don't want to cry or suffer anymore. What do I do?

I am so sorry, Jennifer.  I cried out WHY the whole first year, never got any resounding answers.  I slowly figured out the what now, it's been quite a journey and although it lasts the rest of our lives as we continue to love and miss them, it does evolve and it won't always feel this intense pain but something more copeable...I've learned to coexist with my grief...it's been almost 16 years now.
How good/bad they or we are has nothing to do with it, we've all seen horrid people live and good ones die, I don't have an answer but I think we all felt singled out, it's very upfront and personal to us.

I am glad you found your way here...that you are so young really hits me, it's so unfair.

I want to share an article I wrote of the things I've found helpful over the years, in the hopes something will be of help to you either now or on down the road.

TIPS TO MAKE YOUR WAY THROUGH GRIEF

There's no way to sum up how to go on in a simple easy answer, but I encourage you to read the other threads here, little by little you will learn how to make your way through this.  I do want to give you some pointers though, of some things I've learned on my journey.

• Take one day at a time.  The Bible says each day has enough trouble of it's own, I've found that to be true, so don't bite off more than you can chew.  It can be challenging enough just to tackle today.  I tell myself, I only have to get through today.  Then I get up tomorrow and do it all over again.  To think about the "rest of my life" invites anxiety.
• Don't be afraid, grief may not end but it evolves.  The intensity lessens eventually.
• Visit your doctor.  Tell them about your loss, any troubles sleeping, suicidal thoughts, anxiety attacks.  They need to know these things in order to help you through it...this is all part of grief.
• Suicidal thoughts are common in early grief.  If they're reoccurring, call a suicide hotline.  I felt that way early on, but then realized it wasn't that I wanted to die so much as I didn't want to go through what I'd have to face if I lived.  Back to taking a day at a time.  Suicide Hotline - Call 1-800-273-8255 or www.crisis textline.org or US and Canada: text 741741 UK: text 85258 | Ireland: text 50808
• Give yourself permission to smile.  It is not our grief that binds us to them, but our love, and that continues still.
• Try not to isolate too much.  
• There's a balance to reach between taking time to process our grief, and avoiding it...it's good to find that balance for yourself.  We can't keep so busy as to avoid our grief, it has a way of haunting us, finding us, and demanding we pay attention to it!  Some people set aside time every day to grieve.  I didn't have to, it searched and found me!
• Self-care is extremely important, more so than ever.  That person that would have cared for you is gone, now you're it...learn to be your own best friend, your own advocate, practice self-care.  You'll need it more than ever.
• Recognize that your doctor isn't trained in grief, find a professional grief counselor that is.  We need help finding ourselves through this maze of grief, knowing where to start, etc.  They have not only the knowledge, but the resources.
• In time, consider a grief support group.  If your friends have not been through it themselves, they may not understand what you're going through, it helps to find someone somewhere who DOES "get it". 
• Be patient, give yourself time.  There's no hurry or timetable about cleaning out belongings, etc.  They can wait, you can take a year, ten years, or never deal with it.  It's okay, it's what YOU are comfortable with that matters.  
• Know that what we are comfortable with may change from time to time.  That first couple of years I put his pictures up, took them down, up, down, depending on whether it made me feel better or worse.  Finally, they were up to stay.
• Consider a pet.  Not everyone is a pet fan, but I've found that my dog helps immensely.  It's someone to love, someone to come home to, someone happy to see me, someone that gives me a purpose...I have to come home and feed him.  Besides, they're known to relieve stress.  Well maybe not in the puppy stage when they're chewing up everything, but there's older ones to adopt if you don't relish that stage.
• Make yourself get out now and then.  You may not feel interest in anything, things that interested you before seem to feel flat now.  That's normal.  Push yourself out of your comfort zone just a wee bit now and then.  Eating out alone, going to a movie alone or church alone, all of these things are hard to do at first.  You may feel you flunked at it, cried throughout, that's okay, you did it, you tried, and eventually you get a little better at it.  If I waited until I had someone to do things with I'd be stuck at home a lot.
• Keep coming here.  We've been through it and we're all going through this together.
• Look for joy in every day.  It will be hard to find at first, but in practicing this, it will change your focus so you can embrace what IS rather than merely focusing on what ISN'T.  It teaches you to live in the present and appreciate fully.  You have lost your big joy in life, and all other small joys may seem insignificant in comparison, but rather than compare what used to be to what is, learn the ability to appreciate each and every small thing that comes your way...a rainbow, a phone call from a friend, unexpected money, a stranger smiling at you, whatever the small joy, embrace it.  It's an art that takes practice and is life changing if you continue it.
• Eventually consider volunteering.  It helps us when we're outward focused, it's a win/win.

(((hugs))) Praying for you today.

[Ailkanic]

My girlfriend suffered from and avm as well and never woke up, I'm right there with you that it wasn't fair to us or then at all, she was 29

[KayC]

@Ailkanic That is so unfair.