Endless misery

[LMR]

I am back to crying all day, feeling lost and alone. I just want to touch him, just for a moment. How many stages are there really? I have been through so many. I am in constant flux. Sometimes I actually think I am learning to deal with it but then I crash again. I know to expect this but it doesn't help.
I cannot get past the fact that death makes no sense to me. It is not natural or logical. I don't know where my husband is but I just can't understand this impossible situation. I am so tired.
 

[LoveNeverDies]

@LMR I’m so sorry, I wish there was a way to take away the pain.I’m going through the same...some days I think I’m okay and then I crash into a deep depression I miss him so much . It’s like an emotional roller coaster, it’s so exhausting. 

[ScotJ65]

@LMR To quote an old phrase "We're both singing from the same hymn sheet". I know exactly how you're feeling, and at times it's almost unbearable to face another day. The tears are streaming down my face as I type this. I love my woman so deeply and the thought of having to continue in this 'life' without her for the next 10, 20 or 30 years is too much to contemplate. I'm only 55 but feel much, much older. My angel was just 54 when she was taken from me. We were so happy together and now it's all gone. I don't know where I'm going to be this time next week, next month or next year or how I'm going to deal with this nightmare. All I do know is that I want to be with her again for eternity. Please be assured that you're never alone in what you're going through right now. Sending you lots of ((((Hugs))))

[Sparky1]

49 minutes ago, ScotJ65 said:

All I do know is that I want to be with her again for eternity

I pray for this every day, it's all I'm living for at the moment. I felt like earlier in the week I was starting to feel a little better, but the funny thing is I felt guilty about it. Then Thursday came around and I fell down the cliff once again. Just losing it constantly all day long, even today and it's still morning. The longing for her is so intense, that my stomach has being feeling crappy the last few days. I miss her so much and love her more every day, but this waiting is very tough. This emotional wave I'm on is very taxing physically and I have very little energy.

[ScotJ65]

@Sparky1 Me too. When you experience such a deep love for someone it's the most wonderful & intense feeling in the world. But when you lose everything, it's like no other pain imaginable. I wish I could just say to you 'keep going and things will get better'. But in all honesty, the way I feel right now, I don't think it ever will. All I want is to be with her again. Nothing else really seems to matter that much any more. And I know you feel the same. God bless you ((((Hugs))))

[KayC]

12 hours ago, LMR said:

How many stages are there really?

There are no set stages, our journeys are as unique as we are. 
https://www.griefhealingdiscussiongroups.com/topic/6873-stages-of-grief/?tab=comments#comment-55904

We enter this uniquely, sometimes fluctuating back and forth, some feeling anger, some not.  Some carried by their faith, some feeling abandoned by it.  Most of us starting out in shock and when that wears off it hits us, it can be at four, six, or seven months, it varies.  A lot of factors come into play, our support system, our own resilience, how well we adjust and cope, if we get help, the grief work we put in, all factor in, as well as our own personality...heck, I think even family placement probably factors in!

12 hours ago, LMR said:

death makes no sense to me.

I don't think it does to any of us.  It may be part of life's cycle, but it doesn't feel natural when we lose someone we love, not at all!  It seems senseless!  People say they're in a better place, what could be better than here with us!  That is not something we can understand.  It's consoling to think they're happy, no longer hurting, that they don't have to experience this horrid loss, but what about us!  We're living this nightmare and it's hard at best!

[Gail 8588]

My heart breaks for each of you who are in this pain and cannot see any hope for a better future.  I know that dispair. I lived there for a long time. 

I really have come to believe that it is a issue in our brains.  Our brain is working hard to reassemble the broken shards of our former lives into a new complete entity that can function.  But it keeps getting caught in a feedback loop that without our true love, this configuration of shards doesn't work. It keeps going round and round like that, not finding a grouping that will work going forward.  

I think your brain has to actually heal from this tramatic injury before it can properly sort through the shards and reassemble a life that can function going forward. 

I don't know if this makes any sense.  But I know my brain was stuck in the loop that without John, there was no way forward.  But in my 4th year, my brain did put together enough pieces to show me - ah, here is a way forward, this can work, it is not as smooth or good as the life with John, but it works.  It can lead to happiness. 

Keep putting one foot in front of the other and give your brain time to heal. 

Gail

[borbzgirl]

I feel the same. It's an endless pit.

[LMR]

For the last five days I have just sat here and cried. I'm tired of trying. I get up in the morning, shower then sit on the sofa and wonder why I bothered getting out of bed. For what?

My life revolved around him, perhaps more than it should have but we were happy. As long as we had each other nothing else mattered but now I have lost him. I don't know where he is. I don't feel him. I just feel empty. I am so so tired.

[Sparky1]

I've also been having a rough week. The despair seems to have come back with a vengeance, just like it was in the beginning. Thinking of things we used to do, and realizing that we will never do them again. Coming home to an empty house, and looking at the couch where she used to sit , waiting for me to come home and have dinner. Longing to hold her in my arms, kiss her and tell her how much I love her. I miss her more every day. This is not easy, and it definitely is not getting easier. I'm surprised I still haven't run out of tears, yet they still flow freely.

[Yoli]

Sparky, I could have written the exact same response.

[LMR]

Thank you all. I'm sorry we are all struggling so much with our loss. 

Yesterday I had to go for physical therapy for my broken wrist. It was painful but not as bad as the emotional pain I felt. I needed my love so badly I just started crying. I didn't explain, I just let them think the pain was that bad.

What we had together was so special. I can't bear being without him.

[sadjohn]

The stages can be misleading in terms of us thinking that they finally come to an "end" but likewise the supposed last stage, can also become part of your cycle so while some moments will indeed be rough, others will be much more pleasant as eventually you will be in a better place. Coming to terms that it's normal to deal with the hard stages of grief and that even if we think we already did it, that they will come back, will make the process easier in my experience. The bargaining stage for me is the hardest as I get caught up in all these potential scenarios and while I do my best to not dwell on it, it comes back at times even after I am feeling better but I have come to terms with it and when these thoughts come back, I accept that I am feeling them but then remember not to dwell on it and over time I am able to cope with this stage better.

[KayC]

@sadjohn, it doesn't go by stages, you're right, that can be misleading as the 5 Stages were actually written for the terminally ill and dying, not those of us coping with loss/grief!  At any rate, Kubler-Ross later made some amendments but still psychologists, etc. are touting it for the bereaved, erroneously so!

The Five Stages of Grief debunked

[DMB]

Is this the I'm having a rough week club?   Huge sigh.  It was bad enough that I called my primary care doc this morning and there's an antidepressant waiting for me at the pharmacy.  Never thought I'd give in, but my head and ears hurt, and too many tears-which actually was a release, but still.  

[Gail 8588]

Sometimes we need help.  It's okay to accept the help that is available.  

I give the same advice to first time mothers-to-be.  They get caught up in wanting to  deliver "naturally" - with no pain medication. I encourage them to recognize there is no shame in having an epidural.  

Suffering through intense pain unnecessarily is not required to prove your love. 

Hugs

Gail

 

[Elizabeth188]

Everyone is describing exactly what I am feeling. I’m so angry and in deep despair, and nothing makes sense. I constantly have flashbacks of the amazing times we had  together that are forever gone. My entire future was ripped away in a flash and I don’t understand why. My life is so empty now and I miss him more than words can say. How do we survive such deep pain?? 

[Elizabeth188]

Has anyone participated in grief counseling groups, and did they help at all? Listening to other people can make you feel less alone, but it can also make you feel more depressed and hopeless. 

[KayC]

@DMB  There's no shame in needing help, if ever we needed it, this is the time.  I hope it does help you.

@Elizabeth188  I've had grief counseling, and I've led grief support groups but haven't tried group grief counseling, not sure how that'd work in a group setting.  I didn't find it depressing with my groups at all, we were all there to support each other, and I always had stuff to cover and everyone got a chance to speak.  A good facilitator doesn't let one person dominate but does give everyone a chance to be heard...yet no pressure either.  We tried to take something away from each session and in the end we made friends and were a great support to each other.