Does it ever feel like you are watching yourself in a movie?

[jmmosley53]

Not often but sometimes, I suddenly have the realization that I have been doings tasks as if I was being filmed - sort of see yourself as a 3rd party.  It is a detached feeling.  

I'm not sure but I think I might have something to due with the awareness that your reality has shifted, now you have do things on your own.

It may sound silly but I feel like I watch to see if there is any difference between how I did things before my husband died compared to now.

It's hard for me to explain, I'm just wondering if anyone else has this experience?  Or maybe I'm just letting my imagination run wild.

[foreverhis]

Yes, sometimes.  I think for me it's that I imagine my husband watching me from wherever he is and at a distance.  So I find myself doing a task in a way where I think either, "See?  I can do this." or "Are you watching how hard this is for me?  How could you leave me alone?"  Of course, he didn't leave us, he was taken by the bastard cancer.  So then I'll usually think or say that I know he didn't leave on purpose and it wasn't his fault. 

Once in a while I will also picture myself doing whatever the task is while I'm doing it.  I guess seeing in my mind's eye what I would look like projected on a screen, if you will.  But that's also part of "What would he think of how I'm doing X, Y, or Z?" so that I'm looking at it from what might be his perspective now.

It seems really common to feel disconnected and distant from our own lives, especially as we start this painful and unwelcome journey.  I think maybe feeling as if we are viewing and maybe judging ourselves as an outsider might is part of that disconnection.

And BTW, I don't think there's a thing wrong with letting your imagination run wild.  I do it often.

[CNCBoogie]

I feel completely detached from my past self.. I have almost none of the same interests or hobbies anymore. I use to get excited about something as little as bringing home a decoration for my loved one. Now I can not even imagine spending money as such things for myself these days.

[KayC]

1 hour ago, CNCBoogie said:

I have almost none of the same interests or hobbies anymore.

And that is normal to feel in grief.  I made cards for over 30 years, lately I haven't felt like it.  My grandson's 4th birthday is coming up, I'm going to have to force myself to make him a special card.  I never would have dreamed I'd feel like this, it was always a joy and stress reliever to create something.  It's hard to feel it now.  This may pass or may not, you will likely feel that way in waves.  So far I've kept my "tools" but if I don't use this stuff more in the next five years I can't see keeping it.

[Roxeanne]

2 hours ago, foreverhis said:

And BTW, I don't think there's a thing wrong with letting your imagination run wild.  I do it often.

I think so foreverhis...i let my imagination run wild to feel some relief in this harsh reality!

A little bit works..

[Sparky1]

3 hours ago, foreverhis said:

I think for me it's that I imagine my husband watching me from wherever he is and at a distance. 

I have that exact feeling about my wife. She was very picky and wanted things done a certain way. So now when I'm doing something, like cooking, or putting things away, I always do them the way she would want them done. I'm always thinking of pleasing her just like I did when she was alive. It's a weird situation like you said that maybe our loved one is watching us. I guess I don't want to upset her, just as though she is still here beside me. I have no doubt that she is near me, and I can sense that somehow. I don't know how else to explain it.

[KayC]

19 hours ago, foreverhis said:

I imagine my husband watching me from wherever he is

Yep, I wouldn't be surprised if most of us do!

[foreverhis]

On 2/26/2021 at 3:13 PM, Sparky1 said:

I always do them the way she would want them done. I'm always thinking of pleasing her just like I did when she was alive. It's a weird situation like you said that maybe our loved one is watching us. I guess I don't want to upset her, just as though she is still here beside me. I have no doubt that she is near me, and I can sense that somehow. I don't know how else to explain it.

You explained it fine.  We who understand don't always need the perfect words to get each other's meaning.

I too so often choose (or not) specific things, do things a certain way, or imagine, "How would he have done this? What would John want?"  The truth is that the way he did many things was the best way.  I had to re-learn how to do laundry because he had done it for more than 30 years--and he did it perfectly.  I'd put stuff in hampers (you know, whites, lights, darks, etc.) and the next time I saw them, they'd be perfectly cleaned, dried or hung to dry, folded, and mostly put away.  Towels.  I used to fold them one way; he, another.  Turns out his way is best.  Ditto sheets and such. 

I have paid to have a number of projects done that he was either in the process of when he got diagnosed or had planned for later.  I'm so thankful he kept up with his modest (most he could afford) life insurance and have had the money to pay off the last of the mortgage and afford contractors.  Watching his vision come to life has been both wonderful and excruciatingly painful. I had to make so many decisions about contractors and various options.  It was helpful to think, "What would John ask?" or "What choice will be the best over time?"  We had the same taste in most things, so it wasn't a stretch to include him in the process.

Here's a funny one, an opposite.  John liked rich greens in clothes, plants, and various accessories/decorative items, but hated green paint, regardless of shade or depth (go figure).  Our second bedroom needs repainting, as well as carpet and shades.  We had settled on a very light, soft blue-grey.  I was at the hardware store and decided to pick up more paint samples.  Almost as an act of defiance, I picked a number of soft, light greens.  I brought them home, tested them, and one really appealed to me.  I taped it on the wall and then looked up and said, "What?  You're not here.  You don't have a say in this!"

It still seems so odd to remember that I only have to consider myself.  I always enjoyed thinking about and doing things that made him happy.  I still tear up at the farmers market when the seasons change and his favorites for that season come in.  Peaches are especially hard because they're his favorite and we had one of our silly little couple things around them.  The first week that "our" peach grower came to the market each year, we'd get home and then I'd wash up a couple, cut them into bowls, sprinkle on a little pearl sugar (Scandinavian "puffed" sugar crystals), and then present him his bowl by walking ceremoniously from the kitchen to the living room and then taking an old-fashioned bow with flourish.  He would chuckle, thank me, and bow his head in return.  I miss so much us showing our love in those small ways.

 

[ccoflove]

Its funny, I do things a particular way I prefer b/c I complained about him doing them. Even though I stopped caring so much and realize now how unimportant it is but since I nagged him, I cant let him see me doing it. For example, I didnt like him hanging his coat over chairs in the house and would want him to hang his coat up on the rack. Now I feel like why bother, who cares, but I must follow through cause he is watching.