Are there any happy widows/widowers out there?

[Dawn Wms]

I am feeling like there is no hope for my future.  I turn 60 soon and I wonder why I should go on.  I have nothing to look forward to, except getting old and infirm, losing more, draining my estate, losing my dogs, and maybe ending up drooling in a nursing home.  Has anyone out there come out of grief to go on and really enjoy life?  I have my doubts and I don't see the point in living a long, miserable life.

[ScotJ65]

Hello Dawn, hope you don't mind me saying but at 59, or yes even 60, you're certainly still young enough to enjoy a fulfilling life. Of course it's not going to be the same one you had with your loving husband, it never could be. For everyone on here who has lost their partner, things will never be the same again. And whilst I know I'm never getting my beautiful woman back, I also believe that life isn't over and I'll never give up trying to find a purpose. It's gets just a little bit more bearable each day - not much - but enough to keep me hanging in there. And always remember we're all here for each other to get us through the worst of times. So keep going, and make your future as bright as it possibly can be. (((((Hugs)))))
 

[Roxeanne]

Dawn Mikey you give voice to my worst fears...after almost 3 years pain lessen but life it's not the same anymore.

I'm trying to make the best of a bad situation but "la dolce vita" is gone with him!

There's not joy and i am dread that my life will be a boring  underrated nightmare that i will try to please me!

[Gail 8588]

Dawn, 

I am living a happy life most of the time now.  (I don't think anyone is always happy.)  

I was where you are for several years.  But something has happened, in my brain I believe, that has shifted.  

Currently, I am explaining it to myself that my  brain injury has healed or at least is substantially improving. 

So many of my senses were simply not sending messages to my brain during my long grief.  I was so disconnected from life, even the birth of my only grandchild brought me no joy. Everything felt distant and pointless.

But something changed in my 4th year.  It was as if I had been totally color blind, and then pigment started shading in.  It wasn't an overnight flip of a switch, it was gradual. The world became more  vibrant and I became more engaged with it.  I am joyful about my grandson learning his a b c's and being brave enough to climb up a big slide by himself.  My trees are blossoming with the coming of spring and I feel the possibilities of a new year.

It is undeniable that my life is harder and lonelier than when I had my love by my side. I still miss him, still love him, but I can live a real life now. I am not a zombie trying to pass as a living person.  I no longer feel like I am losing my mind. 

I hope this helps. 

Gail

[Diane R. E.]

Thank you Gail; this is helpful to me, I just hope it doesn't take 3 years! It's been almost 5 months since my husband passed away, and while I miss him more than ever, I do believe we can all find a purpose in life - perhaps being of service to others or to animals. (Of course I would rather have my husband back so we could enjoy the retirement we had planned!)

[ccoflove]

2 years 4 months, I find the routine of carrying on with survival exhausting and unrewarding. Each day is a monotonous struggle with little joy. Not much hope for the future changing much but just more loss so I feel similar but am 44. The pandemic isn't helping, or the long winter. Stuck in a loop. I wake up and am like I'm back online again to repeat the loop. Sleep is the best.

[KayC]

Happy is a relative term and it helps to understand we can't compare to the past as that's a real joy robber, also this has not been a year to gauge anything by!  It take much time, processing, and effort to process our grief, more yet to find purpose, and even more to build a life you can live.  With good health on our side it helps too.   One of the key things to me is looking for good in each day, nothing is too small or insignificant to count.  It changes us to an outlook of expectancy and anticipation and helps us live in the present moment.

 

[Gail 8588]

I found this advice to be very beneficial. (To affirm any small or large joy that you become aware of.)  Perhaps it was just coincidence that my injured brain moved more toward recovery when I focused on these daily joys.  Maybe my brain would have advanced towards healing during my 4th year even if I had not mindfully acknowledged each small joy. But I feel like the 2 events are not totally unrelated.  I think affirming these daily joys assisted my brain in its healing process. 

No double blind trial confirms my hypothesis, but I think it helped. 

Gail

[Roxeanne]

45 minutes ago, KayC said:

One of the key things to me is looking for good in each day, nothing is too small or insignificant to count.  It changes us to an outlook of expectancy and anticipation and helps us live in the present moment.

Thanks Kay...you are great and you are right !

 

[DMB]

I was widowed at 59, will be 60 this year.   I'm on the fence, not happy, but I haven't given up all hope of having joy in my life ever again either.  There are days I get through better than others, and I appreciate the insight from those of you who have been at this longer and stay around to help us newbies!!

[Sparky1]

6 hours ago, ccoflove said:

I find the routine of carrying on with survival exhausting

I was talking with my counselor yesterday and she asked me how I feel physically. I told her I am always tired and just drag out the work day. When I go home I'm so tired, I have zero energy to do much of anything. She told me that the stress of grieving takes a huge toll on one's body. I was wondering why I was always tired, now I know. My legs feel like jello. She just told me to try and get as much rest as I can and to eat properly. Without my wife, life is so uncertain and the future is scary going at it all alone.

[foreverhis]

On 2/24/2021 at 1:51 PM, DMB said:

I was widowed at 59, will be 60 this year.   I'm on the fence, not happy, but I haven't given up all hope of having joy in my life ever again either.  There are days I get through better than others, and I appreciate the insight from those of you who have been at this longer and stay around to help us newbies!!

I lost my husband less than a month before my 60th birthday.  He was only 71.  I learned early on that it was not just counter-productive, but dangerous for me, personally, to contemplate all the years ahead.  Of course, the truth is that none of us know how many years we'll live, but the women in my family tend to live into their late 80s to 90s.  Thinking that way dragged me even further down the rabbit hole of grief to a place where I wasn't sure how to climb out.  Once I started doing the cliche of "one day, one hour at a time," I was able to think in the short term more often and that helped me stop pushing away any little bit of light and hope.  It took a good year to get to that point and climb up emotionally so that I could find one thing each day, no matter how small, that made me smile.

As I took baby steps forward, I started to let in some happiness, but that was and is a slow process too.  One thing that helped was that at some point, I'm not sure when. my emotions shifted so that I didn't feel every laugh or smile, any bit of happiness was a betrayal of our love, marriage, and him.  As I did that, I started to reach out to the people who love me/us and began to reengage with the world.  I had been feeling so alone without my love, no matter how many people were in my life, and so separate from everyone and everything that it was like living in a bubble being pushed along with no direction.  I could practically feel everyone else's live flowing around me, going forward without me.

I'm about 1-1/2 years "behind" Gail on my journey, but I am slowly making a life I can live with some happiness.  Maybe in a couple of years, I will be able to say I am truly happier than I was at first and can find joy of some kind in each day.  I know I will never be happy in the way I was before, at least not until it's my time and I'm with my love again.  Still, that doesn't mean that I can't continue to look for happiness where I can find it now.  When I look back, I realize that I am in fact a bit happier than I was the first 2 years.

I will miss John every minute of every day for the rest of my life.  I will have days and maybe weeks where the tsunami of grief washes over me and knocks me flat.  That's a given.  But in between, I'm trying to build a life where I feel stronger (real strength, not the "put on the brave face" nonsense) and somewhat fulfilled.  Letting in those bits of light, hope, and happiness is helping.  These days, I remind myself that I wasn't a helpless ninny before I met John and I'm not one now.  It just feels that way so often because we leaned on each other, supported each other, and twined our lives together for so long that I'm having to learn to stand all over again.

[Bennie Jets]

 liked this one

(102) Grief Matters: Reinvesting in Myself - YouTube

[Bennie Jets]

12 hours ago, Sparky1 said:

I was talking with my counselor yesterday and she asked me how I feel physically. I told her I am always tired and just drag out the work day. When I go home I'm so tired, I have zero energy to do much of anything. She told me that the stress of grieving takes a huge toll on one's body. I was wondering why I was always tired, now I know. My legs feel like jello. She just told me to try and get as much rest as I can and to eat properly. Without my wife, life is so uncertain and the future is scary going at it all alone.

I can relate, Sparky1. Same here. I walk the same path every day and since Alan died I can barely get up the hill. My legs are weak and I have little energy. I take smaller steps now. Grief really does take it out of you. It makes you physically drained.

[KayC]

14 hours ago, Sparky1 said:

She just told me to try and get as much rest as I can and to eat properly.

I know a lot of grievers don't care what they eat and can't sleep!  I was one of them.  I took me a long time to learn self-care, that I am worth it and valuable by myself, even though this was not my preferred way to spend my life.  I finally took back control of my life last year, beginning NY 2020, lost 74 lbs and got off my diabetic Rxs and statins and have been able to reverse my diabetes (not cure it, we're never "not diabetic" once we are, but we can control it and reverse much of the symptoms, including my Neuropathy!).  

I realize that in early grief we really DON'T care to live and thus it's easier to grab junk food, fast food or nothing at all.  I made recovery harder on myself trying to tough it out on my own instead of accepting a sleep aid from my doctor (I'm now on a mild one) and waiting until ten years after my diabetes diagnosis before doing something about it.  I know my husband would be so proud of me!  He died of a heart attack with diabetic complications.  

If you can't think of cooking/eating, make a healthy smoothie, I used to have one every day until realizing I couldn't have fruit except berries, but it was a good way to get greens in.  (Kale, applesauce, banana, berries, yogurt, rhubarb is good with it too).  There's also some healthy frozen dinners to try.  I cook everything from scratch now so like to have homemade soup on hand, salad, cook meat and freeze single portions, so easy to microwave.

If you could care less about your health, I get it.  But this isn't only about our health, it's about giving ourselves the best possible quality of life along the way and not making things harder on ourselves than they need to be.

https://www.griefhealingblog.com/2013/03/physical-reactions-to-loss.html
https://whatsyourgrief.com/physical-grief-symptoms/
 

8 hours ago, Bennie Jets said:

(102) Grief Matters: Reinvesting in Myself - YouTube

Good one, thanks for sharing it!

[Dawn Wms]

Thanks for your responses.  Some of you affirmed my feelings, some of you gave me hope.  I think I'm just feeling the absolute impossibility of the situation.  People say time heals, but so far, that hasn't happened for me.  It's like I have no sense of time.  Has it been ten months or ten days or ten hours?  I don't know.

[anonymous123]

On 2/24/2021 at 1:38 PM, Dawn Wms said:

I am feeling like there is no hope for my future.  I turn 60 soon and I wonder why I should go on.  I have nothing to look forward to, except getting old and infirm, losing more, draining my estate, losing my dogs, and maybe ending up drooling in a nursing home.  Has anyone out there come out of grief to go on and really enjoy life?  I have my doubts and I don't see the point in living a long, miserable life.

I would suggest helping a struggling and under privileged  kid with his tuition and education or spend some time with kids at the orphanage. Trust me it actually helps. You can do a lot of things even if you're 60. Spend time reading books to children or even give writing small books for kids a shot. 

[KayC]

It takes much more time than ten months, this is a long process, keep doing one day at a time.  In my tips list one of the suggestions was volunteering, in whatever capacity has meaning to you, whether walking dogs or helping seniors or children, the list is endless, but it's whatever is meaningful to YOU.  Sometimes we don't feel we have it in us to do more than get out of bed and getting dressed, that's okay too.  Like I said, it's a long journey, long process.
http://www.griefhealingblog.com/2014/08/grief-understanding-process.html

[Gail 8588]

I know I have been posting a lot about the progress I have made towards finding a way to live this new reality. And those posts are true. But it is still a bumpy road sometimes. 

Today was not a good day for me.  Lots of tears. Lots of memories of 4 years ago. It was a terrible last week of our 40 years together. I wish the memories of that week would fade, but they are as clear as if it happened yesterday. 

My son invited me down to his house for dinner and to play with the baby.  I went over, but couldn't stay for dinner. I was just too weepy. I don't even want the baby to see me like this, as it's confusing to him.  So I just came home and cried.

There is a difference in my grief this year, compared to prior years. I have more certainty that when I get past March 3, the day he died, I will be better. But for today, the dark abyss of guilt, regret, loneliness, exhaustion, fear is pulling on me hard. 

I wish I had done things differently at the end, let him die in more peace.  I hope he has forgiven me. 

I am definitely back at one day at a time for awhile.

Gail

 

[Roxeanne]

Gail it's an unstable equilibrium...the rollercoaster still works!

I'm afraid too of the arrival of March  14th..the third anniversary  of his death!

The first one i was at music  concert, one of the things we enjoyed together.

I was crying all the time, but the beauty of the music relieved my pain.

The second one i was at dinner with friends, i was thinkin' of him all the time as i talked and laughed with my friends. It was good too!

Next i know already i will be alone with my cat Margot...i will fill of music  my empty house, hoping that i will not relive every minute of that damn evening

March, the most cruel of the months... 

 

[DMB]

Thinking of you and anyone with a March angel date.

I did our tax return this past Saturday, and needless to say, I was a mess.  Just seeing his handwriting going through the few business sales he had, and knowing this is the last year of married filing jointly.  Ugh.   This depressed feeling went straight into this morning as I had to make myself get up, get dressed, pack lunch, and get to work.  I really would have rather called out.

[KayC]

12 hours ago, Gail 8588 said:

I have more certainty that when I get past March 3, the day he died, I will be better. But for today, the dark abyss of guilt, regret, loneliness, exhaustion, fear is pulling on me hard.

I am so sorry, Gail.    That is how June is for me.  I guess we can expect to have these times throughout our journey although it seems to lessen a bit in frequency, still those days are a trigger, as is our anniversary, birthdays, Valentine's Day, Christmas, etc.

1 hour ago, DMB said:

Just seeing his handwriting

That still does it for me...

[Sparky1]

My wife's birthday is coming up in a couple weeks. Already for almost a week now, I've been having a hard time thinking about it, and I booked the day off from work. No way I can handle driving and working a whole day.

[DMB]

1 hour ago, Sparky1 said:

My wife's birthday is coming up in a couple weeks. All ready for almost a week now, I've been having a hard time thinking about it, and I booked the day off from work. No way I can handle driving and working a whole day.

That's a wonderful idea.  It's good you already know what kind of day that will be.  Hope you treat yourself to something good and have some good memories to help you through and not so many tears.

I recently did this back in January, took a day off to have an MRI done.  I get really anxious around imaging and check up time, and also feel I have a bit of survivors guilt that surfaces around these times too.  I did the test, but by the time I got home I was losing it.  It really helped to not have too many other tasks that needed completed that day.  

[KayC]

Hoping this helps anyone...Special Days

Gail, you're in my thoughts and prayers tomorrow.   Sparky, too as you're facing her not being here for her birthday.  So hard.

[Bennie Jets]

On 2/28/2021 at 10:49 PM, Gail 8588 said:

... our 40 years together.

I wish I had done things differently at the end, let him die in more peace.  I hope he has forgiven me. 

Oh, Gail, I am sure he has, if there is anything to forgive. I'll share with you the words from my Alan: "I wish I knew how to make you stop that! You have nothing to blame yourself for." When I insisted and asked if I was forgiven, he said emphatically: "Absolutely!"

I am the same way - the guilt was terrible and was already my problem when he was still here. When Alan died it got much worse but I am a little better about the guilt part now.

This short video from Bill Webster has helped me a lot.  (minute 13:40 made me think it may speak to you)

(101) Grief Matters: Guilt - YouTube

[Gail 8588]

Thanks Bennie Jets. 

I have been working on letting go of the guilt.  It is a fierce opponent. 

[foreverhis]

On 3/1/2021 at 9:21 AM, Sparky1 said:

My wife's birthday is coming up in a couple weeks. Already for almost a week now, I've been having a hard time thinking about it, and I booked the day off from work. No way I can handle driving and working a whole day.

That was really smart of you to think ahead and know what you could and couldn't handle.  All too often we're told we're "so strong" and we know it's expected of us, so we pretend that we're "okay" or even "fine."  We're not! 

I don't know if this will help at all and, of course, we're all so different, but I found that the special days of the first 2 years weren't as bad (relatively speaking) as the days leading up to them.  I guess I was spending so much time anticipating how horrible they would be that they couldn't possibly be as bad as my busy, fevered brain imagined or expected.  Don't get me wrong, they were hard and painful, though not quite the same now as the first 2 years as I'm able to remember the good ones and smile along with the tears and broken heart, instead of just feeling bereft in every way.  But I tend to worry myself into exhaustion for a week or more in advance, so maybe there's not as much emotional energy left when the day comes.

Just know that we're here for you and will be thinking of you.  ((HUGS))

[Bennie Jets]

20 hours ago, Gail 8588 said:

Thanks Bennie Jets. 

I have been working on letting go of the guilt.  It is a fierce opponent. 

Sigh - yes - I think it is worse for us Type A personalities who think we can take control and change things - and if we fail we did not try hard enough - we blame ourselves when we did not achieve what is so obviously wanted: our loved one to stay here with us. I have started to become more humble and (not accept his death) but accept that I am not always in charge and not always in control. That helps me with the guilt. 

What has also helped me was a thought that came to me: when I was failing him, that is exactly when he was there for me! He accepted me even when I was less than perfect and it was how he showed his love for me - unconditionally - and it was a chance for him to love me that he wanted to have. So I allow myself to be loved - and forgiven - and supported in the way that I am/was with all my imperfections. He chose me. He married me. He would not have done that if there was something so worng with me that it was not acceptable. My imperfections gave him a chance to show his love. I can't say it very well, but maybe you can see what I mean. Maybe it helps you with your guilt a little, when you can get a glimpse of that aspect of our lives together. We all can show our unconditional love and let it shine only when the other person is less than perfect. We gave our loved ones that chance when we messed up and they shone their light on us. And I humbly accept and it feels calming. Not sure this makes sense.

[KayC]

14 hours ago, Bennie Jets said:

We gave our loved ones that chance when we messed up and they shone their light on us. And I humbly accept and it feels calming. Not sure this makes sense.

It makes perfect sense!  It's good insight into helping ourselves through this but incorporating what we've learned from them into our lives in the here and now.  We have to apply the same thing to ourselves that we would have extended to them or a close friend.  Grace.  Forgiveness.  Love.

[chincube]

I can't say that I'm exactly happy, but I'd say I'm "happy enough".

I laugh at least a bit everyday, I make sure I have a little piece of joy everyday. Be it talking to someone that I can laugh with, little indulgence of food I like, spending time on some hobbies I like, enjoying a bit of wine alone. They are quite trivial, but I had taken a habit to see the importance of these trivial small happiness - because if not I would just fall back into the darkness, these little moments of joy keep me from that.

There is still not a day I don't think of him, there are still many difficult days. I still choke up every time I talk about him. In days like that I let myself be, and then I try to do something nice for myself to cheer myself up. Maybe it's a kind of avoidance too, but it works for me. I am not as carefree as I was, but for this new reality, I think I am "happy enough".

It might not seem so from what I wrote, but then when I am in my low days I come here, reading posts and sometimes write (quite often negative stuffs too). But I accept that there are time like that and hence I'm here now too. However I also believe that even though today I cry, tomorrow I will try to laugh and be a bit happy too.

[KayC]

@chincube, you have discovered (and practice) what I learned early on...that of finding joy in every day.  As we begin to practice it, we anticipate good and do find it, and nothing is too trivial to count!  In turn it has helped me learn to live in the present, so as to not miss anything good) and to embrace and be grateful for what IS good, rather than merely lamenting what isn't.  We will all have better and worse days!  Such is the roller coaster of grief...