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Does God answer our why question? How has he answered yours?


MarkCRoser

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My son, Ethan, was hit and killed by a hammer throw during a track and field event at Wheaton College. 

After he died, I kept my sanity by writing, while I wrestled with questions as profound as life itself. 

God had kept us safe for 22 years in Africa, doing missionary work and I needed to know why He permitted our son to die at age 19. While wrestling with God, I also sought to understand how the accident had happened.

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From time to time, I feel that I am at peace with the death of my son, and I trust that God had a reason to take him at age 27.  Today as I ponder his 31st birthday 2 days from now, I can only think that God does not exist.  I seek Him constantly, but I guess I am in a dark night of the soul that has no end.  When my son died, I asked the minister where is God's mercy in all of this?  He told me that maybe this was God's mercy...  I am not up to going into details today, but maybe that is the best explanation that I will ever have...that his life could have gotten so much worse that God decided in His infinite wisdom and love to take him.  Today that doesn't work for me - maybe tomorrow or next week it will again.

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Thank you for your honesty in sharing your heart! I realize that any answers we get will not take away the terrible ache and longing we feel for our loved one. Your boy had carved out a place in your heart that only his presence can fill. Do you believe you will one day see him again? 

   

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Melissa Moore

I don't think we will know the why in our time. I can only hope to get answers when I join my son in heaven. I have thought about what you said about Gods mercy and perhaps there is truth to that. It is good to know that I am not alone in my struggle with the why and my own fight with my faith. My son was 35. Two children, a wife and not one to believe in mental illness let alone get help. For some time I thought he had PTSD, but he would not get assessed. He developed a paranoia that the government was after him. There was no way to change his mind. My amazing, smart, solid child, wasn't solid anymore. Maybe the saddest part to it all is that he didn't know there was something wrong. He developed a fear that I hope no one else ever has to go through. Maybe thats why God took him, to end his fears.

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Melissa, the loss of your son was so tragic and my heart goes out to you.  We live in a society where mental illness is still stigmatized, and men in particular believe that reaching out for help is a weakness.  War is one of the greatest human tragedies of our age.  So many young men have been damaged by their experiences, and so few get the help they need. 

I am in the process of reading a book called The Body Keeps the Score by Bessel Van der Kolk, MD.  It is all about the effects of trauma on the brain, mind, and body.  There is a lot of information about PTSD - it is a very detailed book and you may not be up to reading it just now, but it occurred to me to mention it to you.  

You are not alone in your struggle for meaning for your son's death.  I will pray for you.

 

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On 2/21/2021 at 11:06 AM, MarkCRoser said:

Thank you for your honesty in sharing your heart! I realize that any answers we get will not take away the terrible ache and longing we feel for our loved one. Your boy had carved out a place in your heart that only his presence can fill. Do you believe you will one day see him again? 

   

If I did not believe that I would see him again one day, I would probably not be able to go on.  I am constantly seeking God, and He promises that He will be found...sometimes I believe He is there and other times I think I am just praying in the wind.  St Augustine's words come to mind "You have made us for Yourself, and our hearts are restless until they rest in You."

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