two years.

[Suzanne Cooke]

5:22.  2 years ago my Mark died at just this moment.  Two years and forever ago. Two years yesterday ago.  I feel like my head is going to explode. Feel like I'll vomit.  Want to sleep. To never sleep again.  My sorrow is boundless.  I want to be haunted by him.

But the further away his death is, the further away his spirit wanders from mine.  My soul feels thin and stretched and near snapping.  The tears never stop.

The last thing he said as he was taken away to the ambulance was "bye now.  I love you".  How can 38 years be wiped away that fast. Bye now, I love you.

Bye now

I love you

 

[Flowrax]

 I'm sorry you're going through this.

At least he told you he loved you. and you will forever remember that

It's only been 6 weeks for me. 6 weeks today, just a couple of hours ago, The last thing he told me was "good night hun, I love you" and he never woke up again.

[LostmyTrini]

I lost my love a few weeks ago. He said he wasn't feeling well and for me to take the dogs to the dog park without him. I came back a short time later and he was in bed, dead. We did everything together. He had been laid off work recently. But he was planning to retire soon. We had big plans had bought a house on the oceanfront and we're getting ready to move there to live out our days in peace and happiness. He was very outgoing and made friends easily. I am an introvert I have no close friends and not a big socializer so I am very alone and totally heartbroken and afraid.

[Wink Hall]

 

4 hours ago, Suzanne Cooke said:

5:22.  2 years ago my Mark died at just this moment.  Two years and forever ago. Two years yesterday ago.  I feel like my head is going to explode. Feel like I'll vomit.  Want to sleep. To never sleep again.  My sorrow is boundless.  I want to be haunted by him.

But the further away his death is, the further away his spirit wanders from mine.  My soul feels thin and stretched and near snapping.  The tears never stop.

The last thing he said as he was taken away to the ambulance was "bye now.  I love you".  How can 38 years be wiped away that fast. Bye now, I love you.

Bye now

I love you

 

Im sorry for your loss and the feelings you're experiencing but I must thank you for the "window" into my future you gave me by expressing these feelings that you're having two years later. My wife has been gone a bit over a month and I wonder how I'll ever get past the emotions I'm having now.You gave me some perspective into what's likely ahead for me and allowed me to be aware when I may start experiencing the feelings you're having. Again I'm sorry for your loss and thank you for sharring and in an unknowingly way preparing me !

 

[Wink Hall]

1 hour ago, LostmyTrini said:

I lost my love a few weeks ago. He said he wasn't feeling well and for me to take the dogs to the dog park without him. I came back a short time later and he was in bed, dead. We did everything together. He had been laid off work recently. But he was planning to retire soon. We had big plans had bought a house on the oceanfront and we're getting ready to move there to live out our days in peace and happiness. He was very outgoing and made friends easily. I am an introvert I have no close friends and not a big socializer so I am very alone and totally heartbroken and afraid.

So sorry and completely  understand how you're feeling.My wife was the one who would enter a quiet room and say"HELLO" and repeat it until there was a reply.She could break the hardest,rudest people into being atleast cordial.I on ther other had would be the quiet one and join in once she got others talking. I always admired her for her "i'm not worried attitude ,you either like me or you eventually will" She had far more successes than failures with her attitude. Although it's been a very short time of her passing I'm trying her approach and keeping it simple,I'm saying hello and good morning etc to more people in passing at the stores and getting more responses of the same then I ever expected.I'm sorry for your loss but try stepping out of your comfort zone with "hello" to strangers at a store's door or in line at a checkout and I believe it'll get more frequent and easier to do !

[KayC]

Suzanne, I am sorry, this is a pain we all well know as we're never the same again.  Our lives are never the same again.  The connection we had...just gone.  No more.  But it didn't wipe out the time we had together, for it truly happened, we truly shared in it, we changed each other forever and our love  was so real...and even death does not discount it, always I will love and miss him, my soul's connection, forever.

2 hours ago, LostmyTrini said:

I lost my love a few weeks ago. He said he wasn't feeling well and for me to take the dogs to the dog park without him. I came back a short time later and he was in bed, dead. We did everything together. He had been laid off work recently. But he was planning to retire soon. We had big plans had bought a house on the oceanfront and we're getting ready to move there to live out our days in peace and happiness. He was very outgoing and made friends easily. I am an introvert I have no close friends and not a big socializer so I am very alone and totally heartbroken and afraid.

I am so sorry, @LostmyTrini...but I welcome you here and am glad you found this place as it helps to have others to talk to that "get it."  George was also the social one, but all of our friends disappeared overnight as soon as he died, leaving me to start over, abandoned and alone.  It's been almost 16 years but feels like it was yesterday as it left it's indelible imprint on me forever.  

I want to share an article I wrote of the things I've found helpful over the years, in the hopes something will be of help to you either now or on down the road.

TIPS TO MAKE YOUR WAY THROUGH GRIEF

There's no way to sum up how to go on in a simple easy answer, but I encourage you to read the other threads here, little by little you will learn how to make your way through this.  I do want to give you some pointers though, of some things I've learned on my journey.

• Take one day at a time.  The Bible says each day has enough trouble of it's own, I've found that to be true, so don't bite off more than you can chew.  It can be challenging enough just to tackle today.  I tell myself, I only have to get through today.  Then I get up tomorrow and do it all over again.  To think about the "rest of my life" invites anxiety.
• Don't be afraid, grief may not end but it evolves.  The intensity lessens eventually.
• Visit your doctor.  Tell them about your loss, any troubles sleeping, suicidal thoughts, anxiety attacks.  They need to know these things in order to help you through it...this is all part of grief.
• Suicidal thoughts are common in early grief.  If they're reoccurring, call a suicide hotline.  I felt that way early on, but then realized it wasn't that I wanted to die so much as I didn't want to go through what I'd have to face if I lived.  Back to taking a day at a time.  Suicide Hotline - Call 1-800-273-8255 or www.crisis textline.org or US and Canada: text 741741 UK: text 85258 | Ireland: text 50808
• Give yourself permission to smile.  It is not our grief that binds us to them, but our love, and that continues still.
• Try not to isolate too much.  
• There's a balance to reach between taking time to process our grief, and avoiding it...it's good to find that balance for yourself.  We can't keep so busy as to avoid our grief, it has a way of haunting us, finding us, and demanding we pay attention to it!  Some people set aside time every day to grieve.  I didn't have to, it searched and found me!
• Self-care is extremely important, more so than ever.  That person that would have cared for you is gone, now you're it...learn to be your own best friend, your own advocate, practice self-care.  You'll need it more than ever.
• Recognize that your doctor isn't trained in grief, find a professional grief counselor that is.  We need help finding ourselves through this maze of grief, knowing where to start, etc.  They have not only the knowledge, but the resources.
• In time, consider a grief support group.  If your friends have not been through it themselves, they may not understand what you're going through, it helps to find someone somewhere who DOES "get it". 
• Be patient, give yourself time.  There's no hurry or timetable about cleaning out belongings, etc.  They can wait, you can take a year, ten years, or never deal with it.  It's okay, it's what YOU are comfortable with that matters.  
• Know that what we are comfortable with may change from time to time.  That first couple of years I put his pictures up, took them down, up, down, depending on whether it made me feel better or worse.  Finally, they were up to stay.
• Consider a pet.  Not everyone is a pet fan, but I've found that my dog helps immensely.  It's someone to love, someone to come home to, someone happy to see me, someone that gives me a purpose...I have to come home and feed him.  Besides, they're known to relieve stress.  Well maybe not in the puppy stage when they're chewing up everything, but there's older ones to adopt if you don't relish that stage.
• Make yourself get out now and then.  You may not feel interest in anything, things that interested you before seem to feel flat now.  That's normal.  Push yourself out of your comfort zone just a wee bit now and then.  Eating out alone, going to a movie alone or church alone, all of these things are hard to do at first.  You may feel you flunked at it, cried throughout, that's okay, you did it, you tried, and eventually you get a little better at it.  If I waited until I had someone to do things with I'd be stuck at home a lot.
• Keep coming here.  We've been through it and we're all going through this together.
• Look for joy in every day.  It will be hard to find at first, but in practicing this, it will change your focus so you can embrace what IS rather than merely focusing on what ISN'T.  It teaches you to live in the present and appreciate fully.  You have lost your big joy in life, and all other small joys may seem insignificant in comparison, but rather than compare what used to be to what is, learn the ability to appreciate each and every small thing that comes your way...a rainbow, a phone call from a friend, unexpected money, a stranger smiling at you, whatever the small joy, embrace it.  It's an art that takes practice and is life changing if you continue it.
• Eventually consider volunteering.  It helps us when we're outward focused, it's a win/win.

(((hugs))) Praying for you today.

[Suzanne Cooke]

I did get a dog.  Its nice to have a warm body in bed again.  He gives me a reason to get up because I know he depends on me to take care of him. 

Doctors:  my primary care doc saved my life.  I had a routine appointment but I was wild with grief.  Screaming, crying, yelling about killing myself.  He told me he was sending me to the hospital; to a mental health facility; that I could go voluntarily or by force  but I WAS going.  I cried, I screamed.  I spent 10 days in the hospital and another 2 weeks in daily out-patient intense  all day group therapy.  It was the best thing that could have happened.  10 days of having someone else taking care of me, no decisions, no 'stuff' surrounding me.  My biggest decision was choosing my meals.  I found a therapist.

This was only about a week after he died.  A very kind nurse was able to find his personal effects (I was at the same large university hospital) and get them brought to me.  I don't know how she did it with nothing but his name and the date he died - but I went home with all his things.  I also made a great friend in group therapy who has stood by me and helped me.

I too was left all alone.  People I thought were friends evaporated.  But you know, there is a social service support net out there.  The ambulance crew had the police do several welfare checks.  They in turn fixed a broken window and called adult protective services who moved me into a motel and found me an apartment.  I couldn't stay in our home - but that's another horror story for another time.

Too much, its too quiet.  This pandemic keeps us so isolated.  I want, need to touch other people, to hear other voices.

Enough for now.  Thank you all.

[foreverhis]

20 hours ago, Suzanne Cooke said:

Two years and forever ago. Two years yesterday ago.

It really does feel like that.  Sometimes it seems as if my life with John was just a dream; other times it feels as if I just came home from the hospital knowing I was truly alone.

People who haven't experienced this grief have no idea what it's like for us.  They expect that we'll somehow be "back to normal" after time has passed.  It's nearly impossible to get them to understand that we will never be the same again, that we have been changed forever in every cell of our bodies.

My heart hurts for you.  I could have written almost every word you wrote.  My love died in the hospital with me by his side, but so many days the essence of how I feel now is so similar, even more than 2-1/2 years out.

I wish I had some magic words to help us all through each day, but I don't think there are any.

((HUGS))

[KayC]

21 hours ago, Suzanne Cooke said:

I did get a dog.  Its nice to have a warm body in bed again.  He gives me a reason to get up because I know he depends on me to take care of him. 

Doctors:  my primary care doc saved my life.  I had a routine appointment but I was wild with grief.  Screaming, crying, yelling about killing myself.  He told me he was sending me to the hospital; to a mental health facility; that I could go voluntarily or by force  but I WAS going.  I cried, I screamed.  I spent 10 days in the hospital and another 2 weeks in daily out-patient intense  all day group therapy.  It was the best thing that could have happened.  10 days of having someone else taking care of me, no decisions, no 'stuff' surrounding me.  My biggest decision was choosing my meals.  I found a therapist.

This was only about a week after he died.  A very kind nurse was able to find his personal effects (I was at the same large university hospital) and get them brought to me.  I don't know how she did it with nothing but his name and the date he died - but I went home with all his things.  I also made a great friend in group therapy who has stood by me and helped me.

I too was left all alone.  People I thought were friends evaporated.  But you know, there is a social service support net out there.  The ambulance crew had the police do several welfare checks.  They in turn fixed a broken window and called adult protective services who moved me into a motel and found me an apartment.  I couldn't stay in our home - but that's another horror story for another time.

Too much, its too quiet.  This pandemic keeps us so isolated.  I want, need to touch other people, to hear other voices.

Enough for now.  Thank you all.

I'm glad you shared this, you have been through a LOT!  I'm glad you have the ability to recognize and accept help, sometimes we need it and if not then, then when?!
I'm also glad you got a dog, I've found the same to be true, I lost my "soulmate in a dog" 8/16/19, Arlie (cancer) and I grieve him still.  My son brought me a puppy 12/10/20...little did I realize just how much he would come to mean to me in the social isolation that was to come!  Here he is when I got him...I pray you have many years with your little companion friend!

[Suzanne Cooke]

Thank you KayC and foreverhis.  It is SO  relieving to have validation from others going through the same awful journey.  Those that haven't been here just don't get it.  Even my friend gets that blank "yeah yeah whatever" stare when I talk about it. 

A few months after he died I bought myself a 'widow ring' .  It says "now and forever" in Irish. (Mark is Irish).  It was a one-of-a-kind sample and in my size.  I took it as a sign.  I put away our wedding rings.  Someday, when the pain gets scabs, I'll get them out again.

[Roxeanne]

3 hours ago, KayC said:

 

Oh Kay.... He's so cute!

[widower2]

On 2/21/2021 at 8:44 AM, Wink Hall said:

 

Im sorry for your loss and the feelings you're experiencing but I must thank you for the "window" into my future you gave me by expressing these feelings that you're having two years later. My wife has been gone a bit over a month and I wonder how I'll ever get past the emotions I'm having now.You gave me some perspective into what's likely ahead for me and allowed me to be aware when I may start experiencing the feelings you're having. Again I'm sorry for your loss and thank you for sharring and in an unknowingly way preparing me !

 

WH, as another long-timer, I felt I had to respond as soon as I saw this. Please understand: a loss is as unique as the two people involved. No two are the same. What someone else experiences and when and how does not necessarily mean you will to say the least. True, there is not a quick and easy fix to this, and there are general commonalities, but that's it. Within that it can and usually does vary, often quite a lot. And there will be ebbs and flows. "Anniversary" dates often can hit hard too. Please keep all of this in mind and try not to assume "that's how it happened for this person so that's how it will be for me." I know this is a tired cliche and I've rolled my eyes at it more than once but it's true: take it one day at a time. 

[widower2]

On 2/21/2021 at 3:55 AM, Suzanne Cooke said:

5:22.  2 years ago my Mark died at just this moment.  Two years and forever ago. Two years yesterday ago.  I feel like my head is going to explode. Feel like I'll vomit.  Want to sleep. To never sleep again.  My sorrow is boundless.  I want to be haunted by him.

But the further away his death is, the further away his spirit wanders from mine.  My soul feels thin and stretched and near snapping.  The tears never stop

Suzanne if this comes out wrong I apologize, but I respectfully disagree. The time you spent together on this planet, yes those memories get longer. But as cherished as they are, they are memories only, not his spirit. I get why you can feel this way, but why would his spirit be any farther from you? I'd bet anything his spirit is with you now as it will always be, even though you may not be able to tell. And you will him see first-hand when you are reunited one day. This is why I always hated the phrase "moving on." There's this implication of leaving someone or something behind...but you aren't. I look at it this way: he is travelling down a road that isn't the same as yours any more...but it is parallel. You are both moving in the same direction still. And those roads will merge one day  I wish you whatever peace you can find.

 

 

[surfer]

....this is so true!!!

[chincube]

On 2/21/2021 at 4:55 PM, Suzanne Cooke said:

Two years and forever ago. Two years yesterday ago. 

I feel the same too. Sometimes when I think of him, it feels like a dream all the memories and time we shared. But whenever I sit down and sew I have a deja vu, of that Saturday afternoon when I was sewing and got the phone call that he's dead like it was just yesterday.

Every year passing I feel like I'm further and further away from him too. Every time I look at the mirror and find a grey hair, or discover a new wrinkle, I think "I'm going to become an old woman one day, and he'd forever be a young guy"

[Sparky1]

13 hours ago, widower2 said:

I look at it this way: he is travelling down a road that isn't the same as yours any more...but it is parallel. You are both moving in the same direction still. And those roads will merge one day

This brought a smile to me as I read it.  I also think that our loved one is very close to us.  I've read that they are in a different dimension( heaven) or realm if you want to call it that. It's parallel with us but do not merge, and like you said it will merge when it is our turn to pass on.

[Roxeanne]

2 hours ago, Sparky1 said:

This brought a smile to me as I read it.  I also think that our loved one is very close to us.  I've read that they are in a different dimension( heaven) or realm if you want to call it that. It's parallel with us but do not merge, and like you said it will merge when it is our turn to pass on.

I want to believe in all of those who promise me i will see him again

I can hardly wait of laughing with him again!

[KayC]

Widower, I love how you put it!

[widower2]

9 hours ago, Sparky1 said:

This brought a smile to me as I read it.  I also think that our loved one is very close to us.  I've read that they are in a different dimension( heaven) or realm if you want to call it that. It's parallel with us but do not merge, and like you said it will merge when it is our turn to pass on.

 

12 minutes ago, KayC said:

Widower, I love how you put it!

Thanks to you both   Don't get me wrong, I have had many days when I couldn't have felt farther from her, I think we all do...but how we feel and how things are aren't always the same. I don't pretend to know how it all works though! 

 

[foreverhis]

On 2/23/2021 at 12:27 PM, Roxeanne said:

I want to believe in all of those who promise me i will see him again

I can hardly wait of laughing with him again!

Sometimes my universal faith, the one my husband and I settled on as right for us, is the only thing that gets me out of bed in the morning.  We believe that there is so much of our mysterious, wondrous universe that we humans simply cannot comprehend or understand.  We believe that there is something more beyond this life and that the "there" is beautiful.  What form that takes or how we get there, we have no idea and don't care to speculate.

I kind of figure that if we're wrong and this is it, then it won't matter once we're gone, but it does matter what we believe and how we live here and now.

Of course, that's just our personal faith.

[KayC]

foreverhis, me too.  My faith gives me hope, and it's not in an institution, we all know how faulty they are, although I love my church family and it helps me so much to have them, my faith is something bigger than that.  

[foreverhis]

3 hours ago, KayC said:

my faith is something bigger than that

Exactly.  Finding a church or other religious community as family who can comfort, support, and help keep the faith is great when it's a loving place.  But faith should be bigger than that, IMO.  Our faith belongs to us individually, while specific religion and beliefs can help us define it and strengthen it.