Denial

[MissyLaLaLa]

Everytime the dogs bark at the door my mind goes to the idea that my husband is outside. So of course I go outside and check knowing it's not going to be him. Everytime I look out the window at his truck I feel like I see him in the driver seat. So I go outside and look closer knowing he's not there, but if I don't go out and check I can't stop thinking about it. My brain just doesn't accept that he's gone. We haven't had the funeral for him yet, because everything is delayed. Do you think after the funeral my brain will accept it or is this just something that will take time to accept? I feel like I am losing my mind, because I feel like I see him everywhere, but he's not really there.

[LoveNeverDies]

It takes time to come out of the shock and fog of losing our loves. You’re not going crazy, I found this article that explains it well...
https://www.discovermagazine.com/mind/the-traumatic-loss-of-a-loved-one-is-like-experiencing-a-brain-injury

[KayC]

7 hours ago, LoveNeverDies said:

It takes time to come out of the shock and fog of losing our loves. You’re not going crazy, I found this article that explains it well...
https://www.discovermagazine.com/mind/the-traumatic-loss-of-a-loved-one-is-like-experiencing-a-brain-injury

OMG, this put into an article what I'd LONG felt!  Thank you for sharing this, saved it!

[LMR]

@LoveNeverDies

Thank you. That article makes so much sense. It explains why my fall had such an impact on my grief. Before the fall I was walking around like a zombie, crying all the time, begging my husband to come home. Breaking my wrist forced my brain to change thought patterns. I had to do this just to do the most elementary tasks. I had to think about me and start to take care. 

Also I have spent half my days looking for things I put down and "lost". Just this weekend my friend and I ordered a take out and I couldn't remember my address!

I'm still crying and I still don't understand but it's different now, I feel more in control. I didn't think that would ever happen.

[MissyLaLaLa]

12 hours ago, LoveNeverDies said:

It takes time to come out of the shock and fog of losing our loves. You’re not going crazy, I found this article that explains it well...
https://www.discovermagazine.com/mind/the-traumatic-loss-of-a-loved-one-is-like-experiencing-a-brain-injury

Thank you for this. After reading this now it makes sense why I am feeling the way I am. 

[Bennie Jets]

15 hours ago, MissyLaLaLa said:

Everytime the dogs bark at the door my mind goes to the idea that my husband is outside. So of course I go outside and check knowing it's not going to be him. Everytime I look out the window at his truck I feel like I see him in the driver seat. So I go outside and look closer knowing he's not there, but if I don't go out and check I can't stop thinking about it. My brain just doesn't accept that he's gone. We haven't had the funeral for him yet, because everything is delayed. Do you think after the funeral my brain will accept it or is this just something that will take time to accept? I feel like I am losing my mind, because I feel like I see him everywhere, but he's not really there.

I am so sorry you are going through this - my heart goes out to you.

Not sure this will help but I was thinking a couple of things when I read your post.

I knew this was going to be super-hard for me because I had a bad experience as a young person and pretty much lost my family. Alan became my family and balm on my wounds. He healed me and was accepting of all my behaviors and pain over the years. I have noone else. Also, when my grand-mother died (we were super-close) I was not able to attend the funeral and I dreamt about her for about a decade before I could accept her being gone. So, when Alan died I made sure I showed myself every step of the way that he was gone. I even paid extra to be allowed to witness the cremation. It was aweful - well done by the funeral parlor, with my roses on his chest - they did not have to do this but really helped any way they could - but still the hardest thing for me - I still cry as I write this. Luckily I had a friend to go with me. I did it because I knew my mind was not going to accept or even want to believe that he died and I would want to "see" later if I had missed it and I woudl regret not having shown myself what happened, each step of the way. I cannot say 'it did not help' - maybe it did - but I can say that it did not make my mind accept him being gone.

I still call out "Are you alright?" when I go to the room where he died, because he was not alright in the end and always needed something, and I wanted him to know that I am coming to help. I know this is irrational but I let myself do it until I don't feel like doing it anymore. I am not setting a limit. If I feel like I need to do it until the day I die, so be it. Luckily, I live alone and nobody questions me. I find that being compassionate with myself is very soothing and helpful. I have often been very self-critical and demanding of myself in my life, but not now. I think I can sense that I am really badly hurt and need all the compassion and support I can get, even from myself.

Not sure this helps you, but I would say: be kind to yourself. Don't question your odd urges and behaviors now, but support them whole-heartedly as you would a hurt child. Your mind just went through a terrible trauma. It needs to see, again and again. It does not hurt anything to go outside and let it look. You are helping yourself in a time when you badly need help, I think. 

I sometimes even talk to myself saying: "See, he is not here, he is gone, baby." Sometimes, I cry out loud: "Why? Where is he gone to?!?" "I don't know, baby. He was very sick." It's almost like I am talking to a seperate inner self/child. 

I think to see the funeral may help as one step along the way, but it probably will not take all of the searching away. At least it did not for me.

I am hoping time will help. It did with my grandmother's death.

[MissyLaLaLa]

Bennie Jets Thank you for your reply and thank you for your advice. I talk to myself too trying to tell my brain he's gone. For some reason I feel like I abandoned him. I told my friend how I felt and she thinks it's because his services are delayed. That my mind is in a panic wanting to know where he is. So I am convincing myself he's still here as a way of comfort. I guess only time will tell. Thank you everyone for your replies. ❤️

 

 

[Bennie Jets]

Yeah - sigh - I struggle a lot with guilt but it is much much better now than it was

I blamed myself for every mistake, every negative reaction I had during extremely difficult times, as well as my overall way of being - this video helped me a lot with guilt, seeing it as a way to control the uncontrollable

(12) Grief Matters: Guilt - YouTube

[widower2]

 Bumping this in light of this reply in another thread: 

7 hours ago, RN-Nix said:

@widower2I went back to find your post . I believe you wrote about denial and how she warned you. This spoke to me in the sense that I was in total denial about his illness. I wasn't there from day 1 diagnosis . After we reconnected he would say " I'm ok" he was trooping on like a strong warrior. I believe there was only 1 time he told me he wasn't feeling well and that's after I didn't hear from him for an entire evening till the next day. We didn't spend a lot of time together during the week but we were always on the phone but I feel he held things from me and by the time I saw him he would put up a front . I was aways so glad to see him and be in his arms. I have so much regret it's not funny. I was at a job with no flexibility and even after his death my work environment was depressing as heck. I resigned a month and a half after his death and now I have more flexible hours where if he was alive I could spend more time with him . I'm off today and when he was alive I was never off during the week. I shake my head bc I would have made it a point to see him today.  I just don't get it. Denial got the best of me. I didn't know he was dying or close to the end. We never talked about him not being here anymore so I just continued on as if everything was regular.  So I get the denial . This is just a horrible part of life

Much of what you said really hit home. My beloved was very much the "put up a brave front" type too. She was always so considerate of others that way, even when she was in a situation where she had EVERY right to be thinking of herself more, to put it mildly. To be honest I wish she had done that less, allowed me to see more of her struggle, not just physically but mentally, and leaned on me more. Maybe part of it was she felt she couldn't; due to me often being a complete unthinking moron (not on purpose, as if that makes it any better) and that will eat away at me for the rest of my so-called life. But I really was in denial. Even when she warned me about it...I was even in denial about being in denial. Just unbelievable. And it continues. I can't believe it's been this many years, it's like I went into some twilight zone thing. Life is surreal to me now. 

That's my long-winded way of saying I can relate. 

 

[Gail 8588]

@widower2, 

It made me chuckle to read you were in denial about being in denial.  That was me too. 

When John had his hemorrhagic stroke, I read that about 33% recover, many of them fully.  So I was totally focused on him being in that 1/3rd.

As he continued to deteriorate, some close friends tried to gently suggest that I was in denial.  I specifically remember telling them that I was not in denial, that he was going to recover. 

So I too was in denial about being in denial. 

Love blurs our vision. 

Gail 

[widower2]

Thanks Gail, well said. I guess at that point we cling to whatever we can in desperate hope.

[RN-Nix]

@widower2 I TOTALLY TOTALLY get what you're saying. I feel every word but you're not a moron lol. I think a certain part of them don't want to let anyone completely in. Perhaps because they are also struggling with their fate. Had I been there from day one I would have seen the "struggles " or "changes" or "deterioration ". When we reconnected he said I gave him a new sense of purpose. He would talk about things as if he was going to be here a while.  I can't explain  ..but I lived as if everything was normal ...our interactions was not doom and gloom.  He never brought that energy and I never gave him that energy. That's why I was in a state of complete SHOCK after he died.  I was at a job that made it seem like he died 10times over ...it was a very depressing atmosphere and I am grateful to be out of it although it didn't happen until he was gone unfortunately!!!!(big sigh) I would have been with him more and been able to see what was going on for myself bc they just don't disclose everything.  I believe he didn't do so for my protection.  I would offer to go to his hospital visits and he wouldn't want me to. He would say "I know your time is valuable and you could be at home resting " but I didn't care I wanted to be with him . Smh....I was optimistic about EVERYTHING.  I did so much research and because he did not complain I would stay optimistic for him and us. My mind is still in a fog to the point I can't even cry! The tears well up in my eyes but I can't cry ....it's like you know you're choking but you can't swallow.  Denial and guilt in the grieving process is brutal. I just want a do over. 

[KayC]

12 hours ago, widower2 said:

I was even in denial about being in denial.

Please be understanding of yourself.  You can't fault yourself for not realizing what is so hard to wrap your head around!  I'm sorry, widower, I wish I could give you a hug.  We get it.

[widower2]

  

12 hours ago, RN-Nix said:

@widower2 I TOTALLY TOTALLY get what you're saying. I feel every word but you're not a moron lol. I think a certain part of them don't want to let anyone completely in. Perhaps because they are also struggling with their fate. Had I been there from day one I would have seen the "struggles " or "changes" or "deterioration ". When we reconnected he said I gave him a new sense of purpose. He would talk about things as if he was going to be here a while.  I can't explain  ..but I lived as if everything was normal ...our interactions was not doom and gloom.  He never brought that energy and I never gave him that energy. That's why I was in a state of complete SHOCK after he died.  I was at a job that made it seem like he died 10times over ...it was a very depressing atmosphere and I am grateful to be out of it although it didn't happen until he was gone unfortunately!!!!(big sigh) I would have been with him more and been able to see what was going on for myself bc they just don't disclose everything.  I believe he didn't do so for my protection.  I would offer to go to his hospital visits and he wouldn't want me to. He would say "I know your time is valuable and you could be at home resting " but I didn't care I wanted to be with him . Smh....I was optimistic about EVERYTHING.  I did so much research and because he did not complain I would stay optimistic for him and us. My mind is still in a fog to the point I can't even cry! The tears well up in my eyes but I can't cry ....it's like you know you're choking but you can't swallow.  Denial and guilt in the grieving process is brutal. I just want a do over. 

Well said, all of it. Our situations definitely have their similarities. In her case, she responded well to treatment initially and was doing well for a few years...but it was a rare cancer which is known to be resistant to treatment...of course I conveniently ignored that and assumed she would be well long term. And yes she rarely let me see whatever pain or fear etc she had which I don't think anyone can imagine unless they're in that situation. Whether to protect me or to be selfless or to be "polite" or some combination it's hard to say, but I so wish she hadn't. I shudder to think of the times she needed someone to lean on or unload on and didn't with me. Of course then I wonder if it's something with me that she didn't feel she could for whatever reason (side note: please don't say "oh it couldn't have been you at all"...the sentiment is appreciated but not really knowing me, no one here has any way of knowing that and I'd just as soon skip going there please).  

Don't worry about not crying. You don't "have" to cry any given amount, crying more or less doesn't mean you cared more/less and there's no right or wrong way to grieve. Just let it be whatever it is. 

 

10 hours ago, KayC said:

Please be understanding of yourself.  You can't fault yourself for not realizing what is so hard to wrap your head around!  I'm sorry, widower, I wish I could give you a hug.  We get it.

I appreciate that kay, but I have to disagree. I can indeed fault myself for not really facing up to reality, to say nothing of handling it and "us" better in various ways. But again your thoughts are appreciated  

[KayC]

I know I can't talk you out of berating yourself, but it hurts me to hear you so hard on yourself.  I can't change that, only you can.  But I remember after George died and I realized my Big Guy was no longer around as my protector, defender, best friend...it was up to me now to be my own best friend.  That involved self-care and I had to learn to value myself and give myself the gift of patience, love, compassion, understanding, and yes, even forgiveness.  No one else could give it to me or do it for me.  There is no one else.