Doing much better then I thought I was going to be (for now at least)

[KellyAdalee]

Hi so if you read my last post you know that I recently lost the love of my life it happened about a week and two days ago to be exact and he had been fighting for his life for three months prior to passing away. my mind has been all over the place this whole week from wanting to commit suicide not eating to fantasizing mine and my boyfriends life in heaven to thinking of all the ways I could’ve prevented his death just so many thoughts all over the place. I don’t know if it’s all of the love and prayers I’ve been receiving or God comforting me or even my deceased boyfriend asking God to make sure I’m okay and comfort me but I am doing much better then I was although my heart is still broken I still have my moments where I want to die I’m not healed or anywhere close to being healed I find some peace in knowing that my baby is home with his creator not sad at all God even sent me and his family a signal to let us know he had made it home. I get happy knowing that I will see my loved one again and so will all of you!! Now I don’t know if all of you on here are religious I’m not trying to push my religion on anyone but I am religious and God has given me so much love and comfort during the worst time in my life I know we will be reunited with our loved ones although we have to continue our days on this awful earth without them we will be with them before they even know it if we follow the path God has lined up for us. Time is different up there a 1,000 years may only be one day to God, now I know this comfort I’m having right now may only be temporary I might go back to my old ways from when he first got into his wreck the depression the crying all day for three months and asking God why? But what I’m feeling right now is amazing just knowing we will see our loved ones again gives me hope to continue on for them please let me know if any of you feel this way or how any of you feel at all I’d love to listen

[Bennie Jets]

Here are some parts of the bible that spoke to me and that may give you more comfort as well:

Psalm 34:18

The Lord is near to the brokenhearted and saves the crushed in spirit.

Romans 8:38-39

And I am convinced that nothing can ever separate us from God’s love. Neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither our fears for today nor our worries about tomorrow—not even the powers of hell can separate us from God’s love.

John 14:27

Peace I leave with you; my peace I give you. I do not give to you as the world gives. Do not let your hearts be troubled and do not be afraid.

(John 14:27 are the words of Jesus Christ and my personal favorite message)

[KellyAdalee]

@Bennie Jets Thank you so much you don’t know how bad I needed this!!! I just took a screenshot of that so I can re read them whenever I feel the need. I have been trying to get more into reading the Bible but I don’t know where to start and have a hard time fully comprehending what some of the things in the Bible are saying I downloaded the app Bible and have been finding it very useful during this time

[Dawn Wms]

Whatever gives you comfort.  Unfortunately for me, I only ask why a God of love would allow so much pain.

[KellyAdalee]

@Dawn Wms that was me the whole three months all I could ask myself was why? why? Every single day why would a God who is suppose to love let bad things happen to a person I love the most. I promise I’m not trying to push my religion on you and completely respect how you feel just as you respect me but I look at it in the way of that God took my person because my person was way too good to be here on this evil disgusting cruel earth which is evil and cruel because of the free will we have on earth which is why bad things happen I asked God why him why not me? And the truth is he deserves to be with God right now more then I do I feel as if I deserve to be on this earth feeling the pain I am feeling I’d rather it be me feeling all of this sadness then my love who is in a place of only happiness I’m so sorry for the pain you’re enduring and I know no amount of words or any advice I can give will take away your pain I hope somehow someway along the road you find peace although yours, mine, and many others hearts will never fully heal I hope one day we can all adapt to this pain.

[Dawn Wms]

Thank you.  The thing is, my husband was religious while I am agnostic.  We had many such discussions.  I hope for his sake that he is with the God he believed in.  I guess I am just not selfless enough for that to help me in my sorrow, loneliness and despair.  I need him here.  I am really lost without him.  He was still young and vibrant and fully engaged in life.  His death was sudden and unexpected.  It was traumatic.  I still can't believe it happened.  If it had to be one of us, it should have been me.

[KellyAdalee]

@Dawn Wms how you are feeling is completely okay I wanted it to be me instead of him so bad as well I guess I’m just trying to take a new perspective on things that I feel like has helped me but it won’t necessarily help you because we all grieve so differently and feel different things I know nothing I say can take away your pain and everything you’re feeling is real and raw I feel lost without my person as well he was only twenty and I feel like everything died when he did our future children our wedding we planned the house we talked about everything completely gone once he left me I want and still want nothing more then to pass away but since I can’t take matters into my own hands feeling how I feel gives me some form of hope I will see him again and although you are not religious and you are agnostic I hope you one day somehow someway can see your loved one again but I can say we are quite similar on one thing you are not alone in this pain you are feeling my deepest heartfelt condolences

[jmmosley53]

I too believe in an after life.  That when the spirit returns to God it is made whole and perfect.  My husband was very sick before this death with pneumonia and he suffered from early onset dementia.  I want him whole and perfect.  He deserves that.  I miss him more than I can say but, if I had the power to snatch him out of Gods hands, I don't think I would.  I don't want him to continue to suffering just so I didn't miss him.  I hope my death comes sooner than later, I want to be reunited with him.

[ScotJ65]

KellyAdalee, firstly, I'm so sorry for your loss. Please believe me when I say that I have some idea of what you're going through. I lost the love of my life last November. I watched her deterioration from a happy, lively and beautiful soul into a complete shadow of herself as Huntingdon's took it's toll on her. If I can just quote something you said earlier: 

"I look at it in the way of that God took my person because my person was way too good to be here on this evil disgusting cruel earth which is evil and cruel because of the free will we have on earth which is why bad things happen I asked God why him why not me"?

For me, that comment is absolutely spot on. The world is indeed a cruel, despicable place and if I could join my love in heaven right now then I'd readily do it. But I also think we have a purpose on this earth (although it may be hard to believe at times). For many that purpose may not seem apparent at the moment, but in time it will become so. 

Keep going, find strength in whatever ways you can. And always remember your friends are here for you.

God bless, and take good care of yourself.

[KayC]

10 hours ago, Dawn Wms said:

Whatever gives you comfort.  Unfortunately for me, I only ask why a God of love would allow so much pain.

And no matter how we feel or respond in our grief, it's all valid.  I'm glad some are able to find comfort, me, it took a while.  I had always been an avid pray-er, taught classes in prayer!  Studied it, practiced it.  But when George died, I felt God was a million miles away!  It took me about a year to realize He was with me all the time, perhaps carrying me, but I was so steeped in my grief it couldn't get through.  No matter how you're feeling, I just want to say it's valid and I hear you.