Trying to Cope

[LoveNeverDies]

Everything seems so difficult without my love, he always had a way of making everything alright. I miss him so much!!In the past week or so , I feel like I’m having these weird anxiety attacks where my mind constantly races . I just can’t seem to concentrate on anything. For example..It took me awhile just to think of a title for this post....My boss was telling me something yesterday and a few minutes later I totally forgot what she said, I felt like an idiot having to ask two minutes later what she JUST said...I walk into the supermarket and my mind goes blank, forgetting what I needed there.Has this happened to anyone else? This sudden anxiety where it feels like you can’t function? 

 On top of everything I just got a nasty email from my daughter’s guidance counselor saying she hasn’t been logging in to her online classes. So, I’m failing at being a mother too. 

[ScotJ65]

Hi Debs, I also lost my partner last November and can relate to a lot of what you're saying. On many occasions I've just been walking around in a daze, hardly able to think about anything else except her. Whilst I'm not a parent myself, I'm certain you're absolutely not failing at being a mother (which must be extremely difficult even in normal circumstances) and yet you're having to cope with losing your soulmate as well. As for the anxiety attacks - and I've experienced them myself - you should definitely make a doctors appointment to get checked out. You can't and shouldn't be expected to struggle on like that day to day. Help is out there, and it'll make a world of difference to how you're feeling. And, of course, always reach out to your friends on here, because we're all here for one another. God bless and take good care of yourself.

[AnnRA]

Hi Debs and ScotJ65 - I lost my husband on November 7, so am feeling all that too.  My counselor explained it this way to me: We are in shock, and the part of the brain that controls that, the amygdala, takes over in what we perceive is a life-threatening time for us.  So our cortex, the thinking, logical part of our brain is not working well at all.  Most everyone who posts on this site has that same experience, absolutely.    I have to have help, just paying bills now. My friend kept locking herself out of her house, in her first months.  Everyone is having that shock. So be as kind to yourself as you can be, ok?   Yes I hate it when people say that to me, because we HAVE to keep functioning.  Get as much help as you can.  I am still a mess, but find that, once every few days now, I can think clearly for a short time —better than the first  2 months.   Less shock.  Anyone else?  

[LoveNeverDies]

@ScotJ65 @AnnRA Thank you both for your replies. I’m so sorry that you’re also going through this too, but it’s reassuring to know that it’s normal and I’m not having some kind of a nervous breakdown. Ann , I also feel less shock than I did in the first few months and some days are ok . But without that fog , comes deeper pain when those waves of grief come.Maybe it’s the reality of his death hitting me . ScotJ , I think you’re right I think I’ll reach out and get some help .

[Sparky1]

26 minutes ago, LoveNeverDies said:

I think you’re right I think I’ll reach out and get some help

I completely can relate to how you are feeling. I have some days where the despair is bad, I can't think straight or forget things as well. I have to just stop for a minute and compose myself to concentrate on what I was doing. About the help. I've had a couple of sessions with a counselor on the phone and am having another one next week. It helped a bit, but he did recommend a free service that I got a hold of and the lady was amazing. The first call I just explained the situation and what I expected. So I have a session with her in just over a week. I'm looking forward to it as she was very attentive and sympathetic.

[Perro J]

The mental part of this is terrible. I used to feel like a reasonably smart person. Now I feel like I can't do things I used to do with ease and it frustrates me to no end.

At about the five month mark, for me, it started to loosen up a little and some things started coming back. I am not back to normal at almost seven months but still improving.

Take that for what it is worth - your mileage may vary.

[jmmosley53]

I relate to all these posts.  Right after my husband's death I was like a zombie, clarity and focus have improved now 10 months later but I still am not were I think I should be.  I start out a task focused and in control of my thought processes.  As I proceed, little thoughts about my husband creep into my mind.  Such as if I read a funny comment on social media I flash to how he would have enjoyed the comment.  Then I'm back to all I am thinking about is him and how much I miss him, and the self pity takes over and I abandon the task.  I am unable to proceed because tears blur my vision.  But that happens less often so I believe I am slowly coming back to were I need to be .

[KayC]

16 hours ago, LoveNeverDies said:

I walk into the supermarket and my mind goes blank, forgetting what I needed there.Has this happened to anyone else?

Oh yes, it's grief fog, brain fog, widow's brain, I've heard many names for it but it's the same.  Grief is like a trauma to our brain.  If we got hit with a Mack truck, no one would expect us to go to work and do our job like nothing happened!  Yet because there's not a gaping wound with blood in it, no one realizes what we're going through.  It can take a long time to become clear headed again and personally, I don't think I was ever the same employee I had been, again.  It's a struggle.

Grief brain-loss of mind
Grief Brain-Widows Brain
Widow Braiin

I went through super anxiety too and was having attacks, I got on Buspirone (Buspar) and will be on it for life..  I think I've always had anxiety (GAD) but this hit major proportions.  I like this particular medication because it's in a class of its own, it's not an SSRI, it doesn't alter your brain or leave you feeling robotic or like a zombie, it just takes the edge off so its more copeable.  I also take a sleeping pill lowest dose of Trazodone.  I made it harder for myself for years by trying to get through it myself, I finally said, enough, I need my sleep!  Unfortunately I don't stay asleep but 4 hours, usually can get back to sleep but this morning, no.
 

[Suzanne Cooke]

I'm so there with you!.  My beloved dies 2 years ago.  I am still trying to make sense of it.  I cry every day.  I am only just now trying to wind up loose ends (financially).  The dead of night is the worst.  My mind races through the "what ifs".  What if I had been more insistent about his health care?  What if I had loved him even more?  What if he didn't love me as much as I thought?  And of course what if, oh, what if he hadn 't died?  What if this is just a prolonged nightmare?  Please, oh please let me wake with him beside me. 

After he died I ended up in a mental health hospital for a week.  It helped. Everyone else made decisions; I just followed along.

I've lost so much weight. (I'm obese...its not something I miss) I just don't have an interest in eating.  Or living.  Or washing.  Or laundry.  Or friends.  I've allowed everyone I know to pass from my life.  They are busy and have families, and interests and talents.  I just sit and stare. Binge on movies.  I can't even concentrate enough to read.  There's no more family to turn to. Never had kids.

If you don't mind, I'd like to recommend a book that has been a life line.  "Grief One Day at a Time.  365 meditations to help you heal after loss"" by Alan D. Wolfelt.

[foreverhis]

23 hours ago, Perro J said:

The mental part of this is terrible. I used to feel like a reasonably smart person. Now I feel like I can't do things I used to do with ease and it frustrates me to no end.

At about the five month mark, for me, it started to loosen up a little and some things started coming back. I am not back to normal at almost seven months but still improving.

Take that for what it is worth - your mileage may vary.

What your experience is worth is everything.  That's how we help each other, by being honest about our unique journeys. 

I have auto-immune conditions that affect memory, concentration, and complex thought processing.  After John died, those symptoms went from just bothersome to "Have I lost what's left of my mind?"  It was frightening and frustrating.  I sometimes thought, "Maybe they should just send the men in their little white coats to take me away." (Some members will probably get the reference; for those who don't, it's from a '60s satirical piece "They're Coming to Take Me Away.") Then I learned that grief brain or widow's brain is a real thing, just like broken heart syndrome.  It helped to know that it wasn't just me.

I'm not sure I'll ever get back 100% to where I was cognitively, but it's so much better now than it was the first year or so.  OTOH, there are things I've needed to do for 2-1/2 years that I haven't managed to handle yet.  I used to think it's just because I'm both grieving and lazy, but I think part of it is that every time I do something like take his name off an account of some kind or sort through his woodworking books with a mind to find a home for some and sell some others, it feels like I'm letting him go, that I'm leaving him further and further behind.  And that brings pain that I still have trouble managing.

 

[steveb]

On 2/12/2021 at 5:32 PM, Perro J said:

At about the five month mark, for me, it started to loosen up a little and some things started coming back. I am not back to normal at almost seven months but still improving.

We seem to be on the same timeline Perro J.  Stress and shock obviously turn off the higher level brain functions so that you can survive.  During the earlier months, I literally thought my body was shutting down.  

[LMR]

 My friend was ordering us a take out this evening and asked me for the street address. I couldn't remember. We had to check my mail!

[widower2]

On 2/12/2021 at 2:36 PM, LoveNeverDies said:

 On top of everything I just got a nasty email from my daughter’s guidance counselor saying she hasn’t been logging in to her online classes. So, I’m failing at being a mother too. 

If it was "nasty" then I'd say the guidance counselor is the one failing, at both being a guidance counselor and a decent human being, assuming she knows about your situation. And surely this impacts your daughter as well - and even under normal circumstances, I'm sure many parents deal with such things - so I think it's pretty unfair to say you're failing as a mother. I think you're better than you realize.  She has a responsibility to do what she's supposed to do too after all; she knows better, she's not a baby. Parents have been dealing with stuff like this since forever (well OK not "logging in" to class but you know what I mean). 

[Dawn Wms]

I too, have trouble with the usual tasks of everyday life.  I even struggled to spell that word.  Everything is messed up.  It sounds, from the responses of others, that it is not unusual.  But, it is hard that other people don't get it.  They think about it in the beginning, but they tend to forget as time wears on that it is still ever present in our lives.  It is old news to them, but it is still a fresh pain to us even months and years after the loss.  It has been nine months since my world collapsed and I get the feeling people don't really want to hear about it anymore, but it still affects me tremendously.  I can hear the impatience in people's responses to me when they ask how I am.  It's like they're saying, yea, yea, I know about that, but what about the other normal things in your life.  They don't seem to understand that there are no normal things in my life.  Anyway, so sorry for what you are going through.  You are not failing at anything.  You have been given an impossible task.  I don't know how any of us survive.

[Suzanne Cooke]

I am starting to appreciate the old-time custom of "wearing mourning".  I can see that it sent the message:  "this person is a bit fragile, a bit broken. Be gentle and understanding"  There was no need to explain about the tears and forgetfulness and the fog of trying to exist.  You were wearing black or an armband. And after a while when you moved on to purple or brown, people could see you were slowly coming back to the person they know.  I will  never make fun of Victorian customs again.

I think I'll buy me some black clothes.

[Suzanne Cooke]

I recently found out that tattoo artists can incorporate ashes into their ink!  Next week I have an appointment to get a tattoo with my husbands ashes in the ink.  I'm getting a weasel on my wrist.  My nickname for him was "weasel".  Now I will ALWAYS have him with me/in me.  The thought makes me smile.

[Sparky1]

9 minutes ago, Suzanne Cooke said:

I think I'll buy me some black clothes

Usually I wear black track pants, and black t-shirts with logos on them. When my wife passed away, I bought completely black t-shirts and sweatshirts and that's what I've been wearing for almost 4 months. Mind you, with this lockdown, I don't see many people unless it's at the grocery stores. In our old traditions mostly the women wear black, but I am doing it out of respect for my wife.

[KayC]

22 hours ago, Suzanne Cooke said:

If you don't mind, I'd like to recommend a book that has been a life line.  "Grief One Day at a Time.  365 meditations to help you heal after loss"" by Alan D. Wolfelt.

I found books helpful, here's a list of some that grievers have recommended:
https://www.griefhealingblog.com/p/grief-bibliography_21.html