Lost my wife to cancer, we didn't get a long well.

[Tombigsgy69]

Hi,  I'm looking for support or anyone who has had a similar situation.

I lost my wife to ovarian cancer about a year and a half ago after being together for 30 years.  We did not get a long well and hadn't for many years.  Having said that we did things together and she was a big part of my life.  I know it sounds strange.  We would do a lot of things together but we argued all the time.  I'm a loner and she was just plain stubborn.  Personally, I think we probably should have ended it many years ago.  She probably stuck around because she had gotten dependent on me financially and I stuck around because of my step daughters and step-grandchildren whom I care for deeply.  Also, we had been together for so long I don't think we knew any other way than to be together.  However, I cared for her and she cared for me in her own way.  I also took care of her during the 6 years she battled cancer.  She didn't have to work or really do anything but focus on beating the cancer and spend time with family.  If it was a normal relationship I would have been able to support her emotionally more but I didn't.  She had to deal with it in her head by herself.  I feel guilt for that it is how I felt at the time.  I couldn't deal with her impending death on an emotional support level. 

So, I mentioned she battled the cancer for 6 years and I was there to help every step of the way.  During that time I had grieved for her a lot.  I knew she was dying and knew she would probably only last about 5 years.  By the time she had passed I was done grieving.  Or so I thought.  Maybe I just needed a break from grieving after all that time.  Two months after my wife passed I started a relationship.  I felt like I was ready and in retrospect I really believe I was.  5 years ago I saw a woman in a picture a friend of mine posted on facebook.  I became friends with her on facebook and saw more pictures of her.  I think I fell in love with her almost immediately from the first time I saw her in that picture.  Mind you, I never contacted her while my wife was still alive, never told anyone that I was interested in her.  I was committed to being loyal and faithful to my wife and would never want to do anything to hurt her like that.  I'm not selfish.  However, I thought about this woman from time to time and would follow her posts on facebook.  Anyway, I messaged this woman and got a reply.  We talked about having a dinner date.  I was so excited!  We had a date and hit it off.  From that time we have either been together or messaged each other every few hours when we are apart.  She has been so caring and affectionate toward me.  Something I never got from my previous relationship.  5 months later I proposed to her, she accepted and we married almost year to the day that we first met.  I have been so happy with her.

You are probably wondering then what's your problem?  Well, a lot of guilt has crept into my mind.  As I said, I wasn't there for her emotionally.  When I think of my first wife it leaves me with a bad taste because we argued so much.  I still think about her and some of the good times but mostly I'm just glad its over and I feel guilt for that.  I know she deserved better but I wasn't the one for her.  Honestly, It makes me feel like I don't deserve what I have now.  I mentioned my step-daughters and step-grandchildren, well, they have all but disowned me over  the fact that I found someone new so quickly.  I've lost all of the family I once had.  In meeting my new wife I changed jobs, moved to the state she lives in and move into her house.  I gave up everything.  So much change has been overwhelming.  It's caused me to have some insecurities I never had before.  

My new life is good but I wish I could handle the insecurities of loss and the guilt of not treating my first wife better.  I sometime feel anxiety over losing my current wife for almost any reason.  I hide it for the most part but that fear sits in my head a lot.  Any comment, suggestion, or encouragement is welcome.  Thank you

[Diane R. E.]

Hello Tombigsgy69; although I have not experienced your situation, just know that my heart goes out to you. I think all of us on this site have experienced guilt - the "I should have done xyz." or "if only I'd done something different". It's so easy to look back and think how one would change things, but the past is the past. You took care of her and provided for her; I commend you for that. I truly believe you deserve your new life and to be happy; I only wish your step-daughters and step-grandchildren would have embraced your new life.

[annie123]

My heart goes out to you as well.  

 

[KayC]

I am sorry for your loss.  Even though you feel you should have ended the marriage years ago, you didn't, you stuck by her and took care of her when she most needed it.  I'm sorry you were emotionally unavailable to her, but I relate to this with my kids' dad and my 23 year marriage, I never could get "in" him as he was emotionally unavailable period.  I did meet and marry my husband George after my kids' dad got a divorce, and we were extremely close and happy...then he died.

I'm sorry you are feeling the loss of your stepkids/grands over your current relationship.  We cannot put our lives on hold for others though, and must do what we feel is in our best interest.  My kids are grown and off living their own lives, I rarely hear from them, so if I put my life on hold and waited for them to contact me, that would be a very lonely life!  As it is, Covid has taken care of that anyway.

I hope you'll see a counselor to help you with the grief and guilt aspect of it.  It's normal to feel multiple feelings about a person, after all, you shared your life together, had a family, and in spite of the lacks in your marriage, you did care for each other.  Reconciling it all in your mind and heart is the hard part.  I wish you the best going forward.

This is about a daughter who feels her mother is moving on too soon, and a grief counselor's response to her:
https://www.opentohope.com/is-my-widowed-mother-moving-on-too-soon/
http://www.griefhealingblog.com/2012/03/guilt-and-regret-in-grief.html
https://www.griefhealingblog.com/2016/06/in-grief-feeling-guilty-for-feeling.html

 

[Mark loves Sandra]

On 2/8/2021 at 11:26 AM, Tombigsgy69 said:

My new life is good but I wish I could handle the insecurities of loss and the guilt of not treating my first wife better.  I sometime feel anxiety over losing my current wife for almost any reason.  I hide it for the most part but that fear sits in my head a lot.  Any comment, suggestion, or encouragement is welcome.  Thank you

Tom,

I don't know if you've read my thread ("Love of my life died suddenly [covid] and I can't get over it -- so many regrets), but if not, I would encourage you to read my story at the top of the post.  I can speak directly to your situation, including all the problems with family -- I have been exactly there with a slightly different twist.  I would prefer not to go into detail -- as it's horrible and makes me cry -- but if you want/need additional detail please message me directly (hover over my "Mark Loves Sandra" icon and click the the message at the bottom left).

But -- speaking from very painful experience -- let me say this:  you have apparently been blessed with a second relationship that is right for you.  Don't screw it up by rethinking the past or by letting all the change overwhelm you.  Go "all in" and enjoy your wife and the second chance you have been given.  Live now.  Be the husband she needs so you two can enjoy a happy life together as long as you both are able.  It sounds like you and your first wife did the best you could under the circumstances, and you respected her and cared for her till the end.  And even if you didn't (we all fail), you absolutely must seize this second chance you have been given and cherish every moment of it.  Your wife deserves this, and you owe it to yourself to not hurt two women.  Think of the things you did in your first marriage that you wish were different -- and don't make the same mistake with your second chance.

This will be hard to read, but I'll say it anyway.  I'm guessing that during your first wife's extended battle with the cancer, your brain would occasionally let horrible thoughts creep in like "I wish she would just die" or "If she was dead I could get on with my life", or something along those lines.  Of course you would never choose to have her die, and you were ashamed when those thoughts bounced around in your head, but nonetheless they jumped into your head without invitation.  That's natural.  That's human.  And it doesn't make you a bad person.  You didn't give her cancer, and if you could have cured her, you would have.  But that was out of your control.  You probably did the best you could -- most of the time.

And now . . . . . you've miraculously found your "special person".  But you were with your first wife for 30 years, and you've moved, changed houses, and your family does not approve of the changes.  These are huge life changes and they can be very unsettling.  You may find yourself wondering if you've done the right thing, or if you're verging on fouling up your whole life.  Well, the answer is "yes" and "yes".  Yes, you've done the right thing, and yes, if you don't cherish your newfound love you'll be on the verge of fouling up your whole life.

In summary, a warning from a voice of experience:  Do not sabotage your new happiness by letting guilt from your previous relationship tarnish your new relationship.  Do not let the subconscious fear of the huge life changes you're making weaken your new relationship.  For whatever reason, you have a second chance -- make the most of it.  Grab your wife in your arms and love her like there might not be a tomorrow.  Because for everyone on this forum, there wasn't a tomorrow -- and we don't want you in the same boat.

Good luck,

--Mark

[Tombigsgy69]

Thank you all for such kind support.  It really helps and I'm glad I shared my story with all of you.  

Mark, It is so true that there were times when I just wished she would die.  That sounds so horrible.  She was in a lot of pain and her health was terrible so I can justify thinking that  because I didn't want her to suffer.  However, There is a part of me that just wanted to move on and that is what causes guilt.  It was nice that you brought that up because I have often felt like I am the only person that has ever felt that way in a situation like this.  You brought to light that it is probably normal for anyone to feel this way after such a long battle.  Most people at some point feel that they just want to move on and start a normal life.

I read your post about your loss.  I am so sorry this happened to you.  It is so hard to accept that death is an option when we see our loved ones in bad health.  Denial kicks in.  I really think that denial is a defense mechanism in these situations that allows us to cope with emergencies better.  However, in the end it causes so much guilt.  My father died of cancer many years ago.  The night he died my mother called me to tell me I better come down to the hospital.  I did, but all I could think of was that I had to get some sleep to go to work the next day.  My tunnel vision of my day to day activities was all I could think about.  After my father had been checked out they decided to keep him overnight.  I went home to get some sleep and go to work the next day.  The next morning my mother called and told me he had passed during the night.  All of a sudden my desire to get to work dissolved and I realized what had been happening.  He was dying the night before and I didn't even see it because I was thinking of other things.  I hesitate to say I was selfish.  I wasn't, I just didn't realize what was really going on because my defenses of denial wouldn't let me see it.  I don't think you realized what was really going on either in your situation.  You thought it would a small thing and soon everything would be back to normal, as did I.  There shouldn't be any guilt in that.  I hope that you will continue to heal after such an experience.  I am going to copy this comment onto your post just in case you don't see it here.  Take care