Does the emptiness ever end?

[Grieving Widow]

My spouse, my friend, my heart passed away 2 years ago and I still can't stop thinking how lost I am.  We were together 47 years and did everything together.  Now there is nothing that I want to do.  When does the healing begin?  I wish I had gone with him.  The only reason I am still here is that I have an ill daughter and have to take care of her.  It is soooo hard!

[ScotJ65]

Grieving Widow

First of all I am so sorry for your loss, no wonder you're finding everything difficult to cope with. You've come so far and that takes strength, more than you possibly realise. I know it will be of little consolation to you, but I share some of your pain as I also recently lost my partner, in November last year. She was only 54 and my world fell apart. I can't tell you how long it's going to take for the healing to start, but one day it will & you're heart will feel lighter.

Here's a little poem which I find quite comforting, perhaps you will too.

Those we love don't go away

They walk beside us every day

Unseen, unheard, but always near

Still loved, still missed and very dear.

(Unknown author).

Whenever you want to reach out for support you'll find plenty of it on here. 

God bless.

 

[steveb]

We’re here for you Grieving Widow.  I was just FaceTiming my daughter and started crying.  She is incredibly strong, but still needs me. As I do her.  Like wise, your daughter needs you, and you need your daughter.  I sincerely hope you can find some joy in each day. And, I hope that joy increases in each successive day.  You will be in my prayers tonight. God bless, Steve.

[widower2]

8 hours ago, Grieving Widow said:

My spouse, my friend, my heart passed away 2 years ago and I still can't stop thinking how lost I am.  We were together 47 years and did everything together.  Now there is nothing that I want to do.  When does the healing begin?  I wish I had gone with him.  The only reason I am still here is that I have an ill daughter and have to take care of her.  It is soooo hard!

I'm so sorry. To answer the question...I wouldn't say it ever "ends," but normally over time, it does become more manageable. It just takes way freaking longer than it should.

Having your daughter is obviously a mixed emotional bag...being ill, it puts added stress on you. I can't imagine. But HAVING that reason for living is a good thing. When I lost my beloved, my parents were still alive, and I inherited her/our dog, who we were both close to, and tempting as it was, I couldn't check out and do that to them. If they weren't there, I might not be here now. You see....your life, even without him, has value. GREAT value. I know it's easier said than done, but try to remember that. 

[Dawn Wms]

Grieving Widow  I also wish I had gone with him, or instead of him.  It is amazing how we have to stick around for others.  I struggle with this.  I still have the two dogs we both love and my family and friends, but only the dogs really need me.  They are keeping me alive now.  I'm not sure how I'll feel when they are gone.  I don't think other people truly understand how much my husband meant to me, how great my loss is.  I also don't want to do anything without him.  I can sense people becoming impatient with me and I'm starting to feel angry at them for trivializing my loss.  Of course I am not ready to move on, put his things away, move out of our home.  I don't know the when or the how but I know we can't rush it.  I am so sorry for you and for me because you are right, it is so very hard.  Harder than anyone knows.

[steveb]

6 hours ago, Dawn Wms said:

I don't know the when or the how but I know we can't rush it. 

Exactly Dawn, do everything on your own timetable.  Others can’t know our loss unless they have been through it.  Life at times is so painfully empty without my wife. My children give me great joy though.  And, when they have children, I hope to talk to my grandchildren about their beautiful grandma.  As hard as it is, I think/know  my life still has meaning.  All our lives still have meaning.   
 

Time to get ready for work. I gotta help pay for my daughter’s grad school expenses, which I enjoy doing   1 more year:)

[Roxeanne]

Yes Steve our life still have meaning...it's hard to find but i hope someday...

I can say that i am not in hard pain as before, but my life is still a mess!

Covid had worsening it, but it's hard deal with a life you don't want and don't like ...

[KayC]

19 hours ago, Grieving Widow said:

My spouse, my friend, my heart passed away 2 years ago and I still can't stop thinking how lost I am.  We were together 47 years and did everything together.  Now there is nothing that I want to do.  When does the healing begin?  I wish I had gone with him.  The only reason I am still here is that I have an ill daughter and have to take care of her.  It is soooo hard!

I am so sorry.  The processing takes a long time, and timetables are as unique as we and our relationships are.  It took me probably three years to process George's death, but it's never over, we continue to love and miss them.  It took me more years yet to find purpose and more yet to build a life I could do, then Covid and it's isolation came and knocked down the life I'd built.  Yes it is hard, but you have us to go through this with you if you want, and it helps to come here and read/post and know you're heard by others that "get it."

It's been 15 1/2 years for me, I'll be 70 next year, growing alone is hard but I've learned to take one day at a time in my grief journey and am doing it with growing old too.  You can do this, even when it doesn't seem fathomable, I'm living testament...

I want to share an article I wrote of the things I've found helpful over the years, in the hopes something will be of help to you either now or on down the road.

TIPS TO MAKE YOUR WAY THROUGH GRIEF

There's no way to sum up how to go on in a simple easy answer, but I encourage you to read the other threads here, little by little you will learn how to make your way through this.  I do want to give you some pointers though, of some things I've learned on my journey.

• Take one day at a time.  The Bible says each day has enough trouble of it's own, I've found that to be true, so don't bite off more than you can chew.  It can be challenging enough just to tackle today.  I tell myself, I only have to get through today.  Then I get up tomorrow and do it all over again.  To think about the "rest of my life" invites anxiety.
• Don't be afraid, grief may not end but it evolves.  The intensity lessens eventually.
• Visit your doctor.  Tell them about your loss, any troubles sleeping, suicidal thoughts, anxiety attacks.  They need to know these things in order to help you through it...this is all part of grief.
• Suicidal thoughts are common in early grief.  If they're reoccurring, call a suicide hotline.  I felt that way early on, but then realized it wasn't that I wanted to die so much as I didn't want to go through what I'd have to face if I lived.  Back to taking a day at a time.  Suicide Hotline - Call 1-800-273-8255 or www.crisis textline.org or US and Canada: text 741741 UK: text 85258 | Ireland: text 50808
• Give yourself permission to smile.  It is not our grief that binds us to them, but our love, and that continues still.
• Try not to isolate too much.  
• There's a balance to reach between taking time to process our grief, and avoiding it...it's good to find that balance for yourself.  We can't keep so busy as to avoid our grief, it has a way of haunting us, finding us, and demanding we pay attention to it!  Some people set aside time every day to grieve.  I didn't have to, it searched and found me!
• Self-care is extremely important, more so than ever.  That person that would have cared for you is gone, now you're it...learn to be your own best friend, your own advocate, practice self-care.  You'll need it more than ever.
• Recognize that your doctor isn't trained in grief, find a professional grief counselor that is.  We need help finding ourselves through this maze of grief, knowing where to start, etc.  They have not only the knowledge, but the resources.
• In time, consider a grief support group.  If your friends have not been through it themselves, they may not understand what you're going through, it helps to find someone somewhere who DOES "get it". 
• Be patient, give yourself time.  There's no hurry or timetable about cleaning out belongings, etc.  They can wait, you can take a year, ten years, or never deal with it.  It's okay, it's what YOU are comfortable with that matters.  
• Know that what we are comfortable with may change from time to time.  That first couple of years I put his pictures up, took them down, up, down, depending on whether it made me feel better or worse.  Finally, they were up to stay.
• Consider a pet.  Not everyone is a pet fan, but I've found that my dog helps immensely.  It's someone to love, someone to come home to, someone happy to see me, someone that gives me a purpose...I have to come home and feed him.  Besides, they're known to relieve stress.  Well maybe not in the puppy stage when they're chewing up everything, but there's older ones to adopt if you don't relish that stage.
• Make yourself get out now and then.  You may not feel interest in anything, things that interested you before seem to feel flat now.  That's normal.  Push yourself out of your comfort zone just a wee bit now and then.  Eating out alone, going to a movie alone or church alone, all of these things are hard to do at first.  You may feel you flunked at it, cried throughout, that's okay, you did it, you tried, and eventually you get a little better at it.  If I waited until I had someone to do things with I'd be stuck at home a lot.
• Keep coming here.  We've been through it and we're all going through this together.
• Look for joy in every day.  It will be hard to find at first, but in practicing this, it will change your focus so you can embrace what IS rather than merely focusing on what ISN'T.  It teaches you to live in the present and appreciate fully.  You have lost your big joy in life, and all other small joys may seem insignificant in comparison, but rather than compare what used to be to what is, learn the ability to appreciate each and every small thing that comes your way...a rainbow, a phone call from a friend, unexpected money, a stranger smiling at you, whatever the small joy, embrace it.  It's an art that takes practice and is life changing if you continue it.
• Eventually consider volunteering.  It helps us when we're outward focused, it's a win/win.

(((hugs))) Praying for you today.