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Possibly helpful to wiggle away at guilt


Bennie Jets

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Thanks Bennie, it was worth watching. They also have one on loneliness which I will be watching as well.

 

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11 minutes ago, Sparky1 said:

Thanks Bennie, it was worth watching. They also have one on loneliness which I will be watching as well.

 

Good idea! I am right with you - watching that next as well, then. We can watch together about lonliness. ;)

Is this the one you are watching?

(689) Living with Loss Series: Loneliness - YouTube

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12 hours ago, Bennie Jets said:

Good idea! I am right with you - watching that next as well, then. We can watch together about lonliness. ;)

Is this the one you are watching?

(689) Living with Loss Series: Loneliness - YouTube

I haven't watched it yet but this link was right under the one you posted. We can always watch together. Loneliness is not easy when our partner is no longer with us.

https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=1HV-rdDIcT0

 

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This one is about children but I find it also very helpful - hm, not as helpful as I thought in the beginning, but some golden nuggets, if you have the time to spend on it - skipping the middle part where they do the survey of the audience

(713) Coping with Guilt During Bereavement - YouTube

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6 hours ago, Sparky1 said:

I haven't watched it yet but this link was right under the one you posted. We can always watch together. Loneliness is not easy when our partner is no longer with us.

https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=1HV-rdDIcT0

 

Ok, I am watching this one now! Thank you!!!

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58 minutes ago, Bennie Jets said:

Ok, I am watching this one now! Thank you!!!

You're welcome Bennie Jets. I was crying watching this video as he was nailing every feeling I am experiencing. The best phrase he said was we are lonely because of the absence of their presence.

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4 hours ago, Sparky1 said:

You're welcome Bennie Jets. I was crying watching this video as he was nailing every feeling I am experiencing. The best phrase he said was we are lonely because of the absence of their presence.

Absolutely. That statement is powerful. I was the most lonely in the grocery store. It was frightening. I was falling apart with all those people there, unable to get a grip. What did I come here for? What did we need? We? I used to get so many things for Alan that I would not eat or need myself. I always tried to get exactly what he wanted even if I had to go to another store to get it. My errand manager is all confused now. I used to just put myself in gear and go. Now everything's changed and I am disoriented. If I got something for myself we would have discussed it at some point; I would have gotten his input or at least given him a lengthy account of my take on it and he would have listened. He was always there, at home, even when he could not get out of the house anymore on his own. He was always such a part of my life. Everywhere I went, even at work since we met at school and pretty much had the same career. I realize it is that way for so many couples and bereaved. It still hurts like h*&&.

This is another one I watched: (687) Living Without the One You Cannot Live Without - Research on Aging - YouTube and she called herself and her husband "pathologically symbiotic". I don't think it is "pathological", I think it is very healthy to need each other and support each other and grow together and be each other's "herd"!

She talked about the feeling that 'nobody knows what I had for breakfast today': it is not the same to have friends and other company during the day. I may say, with some small spark of defiance: *I* know what I had for breakfast today and I am a person, too, and I count, and I love you, but I know exactly what she means! I want my Alan back, the one who knows me, the one who cares about what I do and say all day long and what happens to me, the one who shared his entire life with me, not just a few hours or a phone call.

Besides, he was the most amazing person I ever met and I can't believe he's gone. He was too beautiful to die, too amazing! When I read the sympathy card from the oncologist I lost it and just started crying and shouting out NOOOOO!!! NOOOOO!!! NOT YOU!!!! NOT YOU!!!!  I did not want anything to happen to him - I did not want HIM to be just another sympathy card they write!!!!! It was aweful. I did not want to get this card. I still cry as I write this. Not my Alan, please.

Sorry, I am rambeling.

Still, one more thought - Anderson Cooper's mother gave me some strength - she said "Why not me?" recognizing that this kind of grief is part of all of our lives. I just did not know that before. 

(719) Stephen Colbert and Anderson Cooper's beautiful conversation about grief - YouTube

 

 

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Bennie Jets, I feel for you. Today I was at Costco, and I heard a husband ask his wife " do we have any of these?". I couldn't take it, thinking of how I used to ask my wife the same questions. I felt a bit of jealousy seeing how many couples were together and happy. My heart ached knowing I was alone shopping.  I always wanted her okay on things. As long as she was happy, I was happy. I find that I am buying too much food, somehow it doesn't hit me that I am the only one eating now. My wife even used to say it that she knew me inside out, and I knew her inside out as well. She was the only one that I could confide in, the only one that I was comfortable with. I think about her every minute of the day, and constantly break down. Like you said, talking to people on the phone or in person is not the same. We had and I still believe we do, a strong bond that is eternal. I can feel it. She used to say that we were like two peas in a pod. I miss her and the longing has not diminished and it never will.

I will watch the video link that you posted as well. Thank you.

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9:55 to 10:35 especially for us - overall may be helpful to hear the presentation, though

(871) Freeing Yourself From Guilt, Blame and Shame - YouTube

Alan was always, always (I don't know how he did it) my non-judgemental friend - I could not do the same for him as I was always fighting to improve our lives, to save him (so I could not accept his smoking, for example - wish I could have seen it as the addiction that is was and been more compassionate and non-judegmental to get to the bottom of his pain - 20/20 hindsight - it always bothered me that I could not be like him) - during the meditation he came to me and held me and I cried with tears rolling down my cheeks and he said  'You *did* love me enough. I had to go.'  

I am not sure what all this means but I do feel that I need this time to face these feelings and in some weird way I am on a path and going forward

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Thank you for sharing this link. I'm struggling with guilty thoughts and even though I know they're irrational I haven't been able to shelve them. This video helped me. 

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On 2/12/2021 at 5:06 PM, Bennie Jets said:

(871) Freeing Yourself From Guilt, Blame and Shame - YouTube

I've bookmarked and saved this, thank you for sharing!

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