Lost my boyfriend two weeks ago, as a teenager

[heatherllyynn]

I miss him. It is more than missing though. It is longing, longing for a gap that can never be filled. I try my best to stay busy. A lot of people don’t understand. I think I was the closest person to him. It was accidental but it was because of substance abuse. I keep thinking in my head of all the things I can’t wait to tell him about when I go through my day, only to remember I will never get the chance to. Sometimes I am angry at him. He promised me he wouldn’t take anything and he didn’t tell me. I think he didn’t want me to worry. He always put my feelings and my well being above anything else. Boyfriend is so childish, he was my love. We always bettered ourselves and we’re constantly improving. I get angry at other people for being happy especially when I see couples. But then again sometimes I am happy. School has kept me busy as well as an outpatient therapy program. I am also writing an article about him for my school’s paper. I am trying. I wish I didn’t have to try without him. 

[Perro J]

I am sorry to hear of your loss.

I believe it when you say his death was accidental. I consider all the isolation that is going on, the unemployment, the deaths of people due to COVID-19, it seems to be the most natural thing for someone that uses would be to use a little more. Just to get a break from it. To get a little relief. Unfortunately, the risk associated with that reared its ugly head.

I'd be reading too much between the lines to comment more deeply but I do wish to tell you this. Please do what you can to foster a faith in a higher power. It is an essential piece of the toolkit to navigate the difficult portions of life. I wish you didn't have to try without him either - but I urge you to keep trying.

May you find solace.

 

 

[KayC]

7 hours ago, heatherllyynn said:

I miss him. It is more than missing though. It is longing, longing for a gap that can never be filled. I try my best to stay busy. A lot of people don’t understand. I think I was the closest person to him. It was accidental but it was because of substance abuse. I keep thinking in my head of all the things I can’t wait to tell him about when I go through my day, only to remember I will never get the chance to. Sometimes I am angry at him. He promised me he wouldn’t take anything and he didn’t tell me. I think he didn’t want me to worry. He always put my feelings and my well being above anything else. Boyfriend is so childish, he was my love. We always bettered ourselves and we’re constantly improving. I get angry at other people for being happy especially when I see couples. But then again sometimes I am happy. School has kept me busy as well as an outpatient therapy program. I am also writing an article about him for my school’s paper. I am trying. I wish I didn’t have to try without him. 

I am so sorry, esp. that you're going through this so young, you're not alone as there are others also pretty young.  Your feelings are normal in grief, it can give us a pang when we see other happy couples whose lives were not turned up side down like ours were.  There is no fairness to any of this.

You mentioned his immaturity...boys' brains are not fully developed until their later 20s, so they are more dismissive of risk taking, not realizing what could happen.  I'm glad you are able to see the WHOLE of the person and not just the part.  As people, none of us are perfect, so important to realize and embrace all of them and not just the part and not let one thing discredit the other part.  You show a maturity beyond your years, and I'm sure this experience will have a part in shaping and molding who you are.  I wrote this about ten years after the premature death of my husband, I hope something in it is of help to you...the two most essential for me was learning to take a day at a time and learning to look for good in each day, no matter how minute it might be.

I want to share an article I wrote of the things I've found helpful over the years, in the hopes something will be of help to you either now or on down the road.

TIPS TO MAKE YOUR WAY THROUGH GRIEF

There's no way to sum up how to go on in a simple easy answer, but I encourage you to read the other threads here, little by little you will learn how to make your way through this.  I do want to give you some pointers though, of some things I've learned on my journey.

• Take one day at a time.  The Bible says each day has enough trouble of it's own, I've found that to be true, so don't bite off more than you can chew.  It can be challenging enough just to tackle today.  I tell myself, I only have to get through today.  Then I get up tomorrow and do it all over again.  To think about the "rest of my life" invites anxiety.
• Don't be afraid, grief may not end but it evolves.  The intensity lessens eventually.
• Visit your doctor.  Tell them about your loss, any troubles sleeping, suicidal thoughts, anxiety attacks.  They need to know these things in order to help you through it...this is all part of grief.
• Suicidal thoughts are common in early grief.  If they're reoccurring, call a suicide hotline.  I felt that way early on, but then realized it wasn't that I wanted to die so much as I didn't want to go through what I'd have to face if I lived.  Back to taking a day at a time.  Suicide Hotline - Call 1-800-273-8255 or www.crisis textline.org or US and Canada: text 741741 UK: text 85258 | Ireland: text 50808
• Give yourself permission to smile.  It is not our grief that binds us to them, but our love, and that continues still.
• Try not to isolate too much.  
• There's a balance to reach between taking time to process our grief, and avoiding it...it's good to find that balance for yourself.  We can't keep so busy as to avoid our grief, it has a way of haunting us, finding us, and demanding we pay attention to it!  Some people set aside time every day to grieve.  I didn't have to, it searched and found me!
• Self-care is extremely important, more so than ever.  That person that would have cared for you is gone, now you're it...learn to be your own best friend, your own advocate, practice self-care.  You'll need it more than ever.
• Recognize that your doctor isn't trained in grief, find a professional grief counselor that is.  We need help finding ourselves through this maze of grief, knowing where to start, etc.  They have not only the knowledge, but the resources.
• In time, consider a grief support group.  If your friends have not been through it themselves, they may not understand what you're going through, it helps to find someone somewhere who DOES "get it". 
• Be patient, give yourself time.  There's no hurry or timetable about cleaning out belongings, etc.  They can wait, you can take a year, ten years, or never deal with it.  It's okay, it's what YOU are comfortable with that matters.  
• Know that what we are comfortable with may change from time to time.  That first couple of years I put his pictures up, took them down, up, down, depending on whether it made me feel better or worse.  Finally, they were up to stay.
• Consider a pet.  Not everyone is a pet fan, but I've found that my dog helps immensely.  It's someone to love, someone to come home to, someone happy to see me, someone that gives me a purpose...I have to come home and feed him.  Besides, they're known to relieve stress.  Well maybe not in the puppy stage when they're chewing up everything, but there's older ones to adopt if you don't relish that stage.
• Make yourself get out now and then.  You may not feel interest in anything, things that interested you before seem to feel flat now.  That's normal.  Push yourself out of your comfort zone just a wee bit now and then.  Eating out alone, going to a movie alone or church alone, all of these things are hard to do at first.  You may feel you flunked at it, cried throughout, that's okay, you did it, you tried, and eventually you get a little better at it.  If I waited until I had someone to do things with I'd be stuck at home a lot.
• Keep coming here.  We've been through it and we're all going through this together.
• Look for joy in every day.  It will be hard to find at first, but in practicing this, it will change your focus so you can embrace what IS rather than merely focusing on what ISN'T.  It teaches you to live in the present and appreciate fully.  You have lost your big joy in life, and all other small joys may seem insignificant in comparison, but rather than compare what used to be to what is, learn the ability to appreciate each and every small thing that comes your way...a rainbow, a phone call from a friend, unexpected money, a stranger smiling at you, whatever the small joy, embrace it.  It's an art that takes practice and is life changing if you continue it.
• Eventually consider volunteering.  It helps us when we're outward focused, it's a win/win.

(((hugs))) Praying for you today.

[jmmosley53]

heattherllyynn,

I am sorry for your loss.  Most of us on this site have come to realize that everyone grief path is different and progresses at a different rate.  I miss my husband so much.  I understand what you mean when you say you long for your love.  I talk to my love all the time.  I believe his spirit can hear me.  What makes me cry is not hearing anything back when I talk to him.  We met when we were in school too, and were together 49 years (46 years married).  

It is sort of natural to get angry when you see other couples.  It not that you wish they were miserable, but it is painful to see reminders of what you are longing for.  Be patient with your self.  Give yourself the time it takes to grieve this relationship.    

 

[KellyAdalee]

13 hours ago, heatherllyynn said:

I miss him. It is more than missing though. It is longing, longing for a gap that can never be filled. I try my best to stay busy. A lot of people don’t understand. I think I was the closest person to him. It was accidental but it was because of substance abuse. I keep thinking in my head of all the things I can’t wait to tell him about when I go through my day, only to remember I will never get the chance to. Sometimes I am angry at him. He promised me he wouldn’t take anything and he didn’t tell me. I think he didn’t want me to worry. He always put my feelings and my well being above anything else. Boyfriend is so childish, he was my love. We always bettered ourselves and we’re constantly improving. I get angry at other people for being happy especially when I see couples. But then again sometimes I am happy. School has kept me busy as well as an outpatient therapy program. I am also writing an article about him for my school’s paper. I am trying. I wish I didn’t have to try without him. 

I’m so sorry you have to go through this pain I promise you are not alone I lost my boyfriend and like you said boyfriend is childish because they were our loves they were who we planned a future with our other half our best friends my boyfriend was young as well 19 when he got in his accident and barely turned the age twenty in January he passed away two days ago he got in a car wreck on Halloween leaving him in a vegetative state for three months I as well feel like I was the closest person to him his father was not there for him his last couple years of his life just here and there and him and his mother constantly fought he always sought me for comfort but no one understands that when we lose our partner I honestly feel like it is the worst type of pain and loss because we will never get to love them again and we knew every detail about them please feel free to chat to me whenever you are ready I promise I understand your pain my heart is completely broken I’m so sorry for your loss our men did not deserve this especially at so young