Separate Inner Self ?

[Bennie Jets]

Does anybody have this experience, too? I seem to have an inner child that is not getting what is going on.

This happened to me when my grand-mother died (we were extremely close) and I started dreaming that I went to see her and saw her and that she was well and when I woke up I thought, oh phew!, thank God, it was a mistake - and it took me a while to realize, no, she really has died and the dream was a mistake. It went on for years. Then I started dreaming that I went to see her and she was sick. Then, after about 10 years I stopped dreaming about her.

Now that the love of my life and partner of 29 years died, I woke up the other day calling him by a cute nick name we had not used in years. Calling and calling like a scared child. I was looking for him, knowing something was wrong and trying to find him quickly. Maybe the old nick name was me trying to go back in time? It was so heart-breaking, as if I had to be the adult and tell my inner child he is gone. Again and again.

'He's gone, baby, he's gone.' 'Why?!? Where is he gone to?' 'I don't know, baby, he was very sick.'

Also, I have my legs on his side of the bed when I wake up now, even though we had separate bedrooms and did not sleep next to each other for a while now due to illness and me having to work and get some rest. I did not roll over to his side before, when he was still here and in the other room, but now I seem to seek him while I am sleeping.

I don't think my inside knows he is gone, just that something bad is up. 

I don't know how to get through to myself or if I should even try. It's like being in shock and part of me not catching up to reality, not able to move that fast.

Does anybody else experience this?

[Mark loves Sandra]

@Bennie Jets

Bennie,

Well . . . . as you've read on my thread about Sandra, I have a version of this.  When Sandra and I were initially dating we broke up multiple times owing to what seemed like the impossibility of our situation -- citizens of different countries, different languages, and facing a byzantine immigration process if we were going to be together.  So we would give in, break up with a ton of tears, and then sit around in opposite hemispheres and be absolutely miserable without each other.  Within weeks we would be back together again and resolving to conquer the relationship obstacles in our path (and, as you know, we eventually did).  So I came to know very well a sense of being broken up -- but with Sandra just a 12-hour flight and some roses away.

So here's how this relates to you relentlessly seeking Alan:  Every morning without fail, I wake up with the clear feeling that Sandra and I have merely broken up.  And it's a huge relief.  "Oh phew! Thank God, it was a mistake."  My "inner child" knows exactly how to fix this particular problem:  1) Text "I can't live without you" on Whatsapp, 2) Call florist in Brazil and send roses, 3) Book a flight from Chicago to Sao Paulo, and viola' -- I have the love of my life back in my arms again.  But . . . . this relief only lasts for 5-10 seconds.  Then reality crushes my inner child -- we haven't broken up -- she died.  And is buried 6000 miles away.

But my inner child insists on running this painful charade every morning because I can't accept Sandra being permanently gone.  Sounds like you're in exactly the same agonizing boat -- can't accept that Alan's gone, so you go searching for him in your sleep.  I understand completely and am right there with you.  I don't know how we get over this -- I'm as lost as you are.

--Mark

[Perro J]

In a different fashion - but I think with some similarities.

The rational part of my mind knows that she is gone. I was there when she died. She collapsed after taking some steps and by the time I got to her, and we got her back on the sofa, I knew she was gone. I carried her casket with her brothers the following day about a quarter mile to the cemetery. The fact of her death is undeniable.

The unfairness, the injustice, the improbability of her illness, the crushing of a dream that had every indication of being meant to be, nonetheless rallied to raise the idea that this cannot be. The emotional side of me, the pathos, refuses it. It isn't right and I cannot see even a hypothetical answer that makes it so.

So I still talk to her, I still kiss her photo, tell her "te amo", and still struggle to come to terms with what is factual and true being a terrible wrong. God has made a mistake. Somehow I need to transcend all this - to get back to where we belong - together.

[Bennie Jets]

29 minutes ago, Mark loves Sandra said:

I understand completely and am right there with you.  I don't know how we get over this -- I'm as lost as you are.

--Mark

Thank you so much, Mark! I can't say how much it helps me right now that there is someone who understands. Thank you for your reply and for sharing.

[Bennie Jets]

28 minutes ago, Perro J said:

The rational part of my mind knows that she is gone. 

The unfairness, the injustice, the improbability of her illness, the crushing of a dream that had every indication of being meant to be, nonetheless rallied to raise the idea that this cannot be.

Thank you, Perro. Yes, I think that is the same for me. I knew this was going to be impossible to grasp for me and so I tried to be there when Alan died and I went to the viewing and I even went to witness the cremation - all to no avail - it did not sink in. 

I am trying to be kind to myself. I am just a little scared since the emotions have such a life of their own right now and I know that the overall outcome cannot be good, when things finally sink in.

Time and again I want to breathe a sigh of relief from this pain and come home and take a weight off, like I used to when something stressful was going on, except this time the weight is "Alan is gone" and I take it home with me and the usual relief was us having dinner and a movie together. That safe haven is gone and instead there is an abyss now. This is so hard.

[Mark loves Sandra]

27 minutes ago, Perro J said:

The unfairness, the injustice, the improbability of her illness, the crushing of a dream that had every indication of being meant to be, nonetheless rallied to raise the idea that this cannot be.

Perro,

". . . had every indication of being meant to be . . ."  yep, that says it all.  We had the beginnings of what @Bennie Jets and Alan had -- a relationship for the ages.  But ripped away from us before we even had enough time to savor our good fortune.  Just cannot be.  Exactly.  How can Alan, Sandra, and your Ecuadorian angel be gone?  Must be a mistake.  When I wake up surely something will have changed to fix this . . . .

35 minutes ago, Perro J said:

So I still talk to her, I still kiss her photo, tell her "te amo",

And this instantly made the tears flow.  Apparently Spanish and Portuguese use exactly the same words for "I love you".  Recall in my post that Sandra said exactly those words the last time I saw her alive.  Damn that hurts.

--Mark

[Sparky1]

I feel extreme anguish at the horrible realization that my wife is gone. I say to myself that if I came home and she was sitting on the sofa I would accept it like nothing happened. Yet, my logical side realizes this can't be. Often I ask her to come to me, to tell me she's okay. I hold out my hand, even like we used to when we were in the car, and I ask her to hold my hand. I am still in disbelief and can't understand why she went so fast. To me, she still exists, but in another dimension. One where we can't communicate through. We had so many plans, especially when I retired, now my life is empty without her.

[Bennie Jets]

2 hours ago, Sparky1 said:

I feel extreme anguish at the horrible realization that my wife is gone. I say to myself that if I came home and she was sitting on the sofa I would accept it like nothing happened. Yet, my logical side realizes this can't be. Often I ask her to come to me, to tell me she's okay. I hold out my hand, even like we used to when we were in the car, and I ask her to hold my hand. I am still in disbelief and can't understand why she went so fast. To me, she still exists, but in another dimension. One where we can't communicate through. We had so many plans, especially when I retired, now my life is empty without her.

I'm so sorry, Sparky1. I can feel it, too. It is unreal.

I talk to Alan when the spirit moves me. And I usually get an answer (in my mind). I know exactly what he would say. 'Why did you leave me!?!' 'I didn't mean to.' It calms me. Sometimes I can even laugh a little - like when I threw that rotten orange out into our compost bin 20' from the deck in the dark an hour ago and wondered how I'd do and it flew right in - I heard him laughing 'Awr-right!' and I said 'You liked that one, he?' He liked it when I was feisty.

Maybe our minds help us cushion the enormous blow by not acknowledging they are gone quite yet.

I just watched a YouTube video on grief that is talking about it getting worse the second year for someone whose brother killed himself. She said the longer it lasts, the more she realizes that it is permanent. That makes the grief worse for her, not better with time, as they sometimes say.

Maybe that is why it does not seem real to us now. We are protecting ourselves and letting ourselves down slowly.

If that is the case, I am good with that. I am scared of it getting worse, though. But if others have made it through, maybe so can we.

I know about the plans for retirement, too. Exactly. He was 63. It is not fair. I don't know what I am living for now. 

I am ok at home. Going to the grocery store last week was the worst. I don't feel alright in the world without him.

 

[Bennie Jets]

Wow - this is helpful - minute 15:45 about and following - describing grief as similar to an "amputation" and that the mind works with a "phantom presence" "going through an involuntary process, trying to re-attach"- that is exactly what I am going through, I think....

(669) Speaking Grief - YouTube

[KayC]

Speaking from my experience, it's like vacillating between reality and denial in early grief, it really does take a LONG time to seep in to our consciousness but yes, our consciousness is aware something is up.  It was the hardest thing in the world to get used to, let alone adjust to, it actually took me years to process my grief, but always it is with me.

[borbzgirl]

Yes, it happens in that moment when we wake up or when we are in the process of waking up. We forget. I always experienced this with my dad's death (which happened 2013), and it ran for like 6 months or more. For about 2 seconds from waking up I am perfectly happy, no problem or care in the world, and then all of a sudden a sharp pain hits me - I remember that my dad has died.

There is one song that you might relate to. The title is "Calling your name again". Everybody thinks this is a love song but it was actually a mourning song written by Richard Carpenter when his sister Karen died. I've attached a screenshot of the song lyrics and feel free to Google the rest of it if you're interested. But this song was very relatable to me when my dad passed away. Coz there are split seconds that I'd forget he has died, and then all of a sudden a ton of realization comes hitting me like a train. I suggest you listen to the song, you might find it relatable as well.

 

[Missy1]

Wow, so sad. In the first few months I would wake up and think he was up reading or quietly watching tv because he couldn’t sleep and didn’t want to toss and turn in bed and disturb my sleep. He was so good and kind, not perfect but he was never cruel to me, he  loved me fiercely and respected me. He didn’t play stupid mind games, he used say I won’t lie because I could never keep track of lies, telling the truth is so much easier. 
Good human beings are very rare, he was better than I, he made me believe in the goodness in people again. I had become jaded and angry at life before I met him. I am grateful for our lives together but bitter that he left me to soon. I will never be okay, or feel like this world is nothing but a disappointing masquerade of false hope. Every one leaves....