My boyfriend passed away yesterday but was gone for three months

February 5, 2021

My boyfriend of two years this would be our way to three recently passed away yesterday as I’m trying to think of the right words to say no amount of words can describe this pain. He got in a car wreck on Halloween and has been in a vegetative state since then until yesterday evening when they decided it was time to let go because he could no longer fight. I feel so much in denial but I feel like I have been mourning for three months already not knowing what was going to happen to him. I can’t believe this is my life and this actually happened to me or to him he was only 19 when the accident happened and made it to his 20th birthday in January before he passed away yesterday. I know I didn’t know him for a huge amount of his life but those two years of us being together felt like twenty years of love he was the type of guy that you find in the movies I really do mean that on our first date he bought me two bouquets of flowers because he didn’t know which color I would like more he always opened any door for me even when we had our little fights he never failed to open my door we always talked about our life as old people and the kids we would what songs we’d play at our wedding who was gonna be the mean parent and who was gonna be the nice one. I’m going to miss him so much and be heartbroken forever this love was un replaceable I’m not sad I’m never going to find love again but more sad I am never going to get to love him again. He always told me I was suppose to die first so I wouldn’t feel this pain I am feeling right now. I’m mad at him because he didn’t stick to the plan I hope one day my pain numbs down right now I am somewhat okay but that is because I am in denial.

February 5, 2021

I am so very sorry for your loss. My prayers are with you.

February 5, 2021

I am so sorry for your loss, I do know there are no words adequate for the pain.

1 hour ago, KellyAdalee said:

on our first date he bought me two bouquets of flowers because he didn’t know which color I would like more

I love this! He was a keeper and I wish so much you could have had him longer. There is nothing fair about this!

I want to share an article I wrote of the things I've found helpful over the years, in the hopes something will be of help to you either now or on down the road.

TIPS TO MAKE YOUR WAY THROUGH GRIEF

There's no way to sum up how to go on in a simple easy answer, but I encourage you to read the other threads here, little by little you will learn how to make your way through this. I do want to give you some pointers though, of some things I've learned on my journey.

Take one day at a time. The Bible says each day has enough trouble of it's own, I've found that to be true, so don't bite off more than you can chew. It can be challenging enough just to tackle today. I tell myself, I only have to get through today. Then I get up tomorrow and do it all over again. To think about the "rest of my life" invites anxiety.
Don't be afraid, grief may not end but it evolves. The intensity lessens eventually.
Visit your doctor. Tell them about your loss, any troubles sleeping, suicidal thoughts, anxiety attacks. They need to know these things in order to help you through it...this is all part of grief.
Suicidal thoughts are common in early grief. If they're reoccurring, call a suicide hotline. I felt that way early on, but then realized it wasn't that I wanted to die so much as I didn't want to go through what I'd have to face if I lived. Back to taking a day at a time. Suicide Hotline - Call 1-800-273-8255 or www.crisis textline.org or US and Canada: text 741741 UK: text 85258 | Ireland: text 50808
Give yourself permission to smile. It is not our grief that binds us to them, but our love, and that continues still.
Try not to isolate too much.
There's a balance to reach between taking time to process our grief, and avoiding it...it's good to find that balance for yourself. We can't keep so busy as to avoid our grief, it has a way of haunting us, finding us, and demanding we pay attention to it! Some people set aside time every day to grieve. I didn't have to, it searched and found me!
Self-care is extremely important, more so than ever. That person that would have cared for you is gone, now you're it...learn to be your own best friend, your own advocate, practice self-care. You'll need it more than ever.
Recognize that your doctor isn't trained in grief, find a professional grief counselor that is. We need help finding ourselves through this maze of grief, knowing where to start, etc. They have not only the knowledge, but the resources.
In time, consider a grief support group. If your friends have not been through it themselves, they may not understand what you're going through, it helps to find someone somewhere who DOES "get it".
Be patient, give yourself time. There's no hurry or timetable about cleaning out belongings, etc. They can wait, you can take a year, ten years, or never deal with it. It's okay, it's what YOU are comfortable with that matters.
Know that what we are comfortable with may change from time to time. That first couple of years I put his pictures up, took them down, up, down, depending on whether it made me feel better or worse. Finally, they were up to stay.
Consider a pet. Not everyone is a pet fan, but I've found that my dog helps immensely. It's someone to love, someone to come home to, someone happy to see me, someone that gives me a purpose...I have to come home and feed him. Besides, they're known to relieve stress. Well maybe not in the puppy stage when they're chewing up everything, but there's older ones to adopt if you don't relish that stage.
Make yourself get out now and then. You may not feel interest in anything, things that interested you before seem to feel flat now. That's normal. Push yourself out of your comfort zone just a wee bit now and then. Eating out alone, going to a movie alone or church alone, all of these things are hard to do at first. You may feel you flunked at it, cried throughout, that's okay, you did it, you tried, and eventually you get a little better at it. If I waited until I had someone to do things with I'd be stuck at home a lot.
Keep coming here. We've been through it and we're all going through this together.
Look for joy in every day. It will be hard to find at first, but in practicing this, it will change your focus so you can embrace what IS rather than merely focusing on what ISN'T. It teaches you to live in the present and appreciate fully. You have lost your big joy in life, and all other small joys may seem insignificant in comparison, but rather than compare what used to be to what is, learn the ability to appreciate each and every small thing that comes your way...a rainbow, a phone call from a friend, unexpected money, a stranger smiling at you, whatever the small joy, embrace it. It's an art that takes practice and is life changing if you continue it.
Eventually consider volunteering. It helps us when we're outward focused, it's a win/win.

(((hugs))) Praying for you today.

February 5, 2021

Kelly Adalee,

I am so sorry for your loss. It is so unfair, you had a future planned with your wonderful guy. Then your life was shattered. Three months in limbo, hoping and praying for his recovery. It takes a toll.

My husband was in the hospital for the last 25 days of his life following a stroke, three different hospitals actually. I did all I could to will him back to wellness. So many times I bargained with God. I refused to see that he was not getting better. I was shattered to bits the last day when I signed the Do Not Recsutate order and removed his life support machines. You would think after 25 days in ICUs I would have been prepared for the possibility of his dying. I was not.

Be kind to yourself. You are suffering a tramatic shock and your brain will have trouble figuring out reality. Take the time you need to grieve.

Other people around you may not understand what you are going through, if they have never lost their true love. If their advice feels wrong to you, follow your heart.

Hopefully people will be supportive of you, lean on them, ask for and accept help when you need it.

Don't try to figure out your future right now. Your future was with him. Your brain will be stuck in that loop of no him = no future. Just get through today. What do you have to do today and try to do that. It is challenging enough to just get through each day, sometimes each hour or moment.

I am so sorry you are on this terrible journey of grief at such a young age. It is unbearable at any age. But somehow, one day at a time , we make our way out of the crushing pain of our loss and learn how to live with the memories of our sweethearts.

Come here whenever you feel the need to vent. We get it. Our lives have been shattered too.

Hugs

Gail

February 5, 2021

1 hour ago, KayC said:

I am so sorry for your loss, I do know there are no words adequate for the pain.

I love this! He was a keeper and I wish so much you could have had him longer. There is nothing fair about this!

I want to share an article I wrote of the things I've found helpful over the years, in the hopes something will be of help to you either now or on down the road.

TIPS TO MAKE YOUR WAY THROUGH GRIEF

There's no way to sum up how to go on in a simple easy answer, but I encourage you to read the other threads here, little by little you will learn how to make your way through this. I do want to give you some pointers though, of some things I've learned on my journey.

Take one day at a time. The Bible says each day has enough trouble of it's own, I've found that to be true, so don't bite off more than you can chew. It can be challenging enough just to tackle today. I tell myself, I only have to get through today. Then I get up tomorrow and do it all over again. To think about the "rest of my life" invites anxiety.

Don't be afraid, grief may not end but it evolves. The intensity lessens eventually.

Visit your doctor. Tell them about your loss, any troubles sleeping, suicidal thoughts, anxiety attacks. They need to know these things in order to help you through it...this is all part of grief.

Suicidal thoughts are common in early grief. If they're reoccurring, call a suicide hotline. I felt that way early on, but then realized it wasn't that I wanted to die so much as I didn't want to go through what I'd have to face if I lived. Back to taking a day at a time. Suicide Hotline - Call 1-800-273-8255 or www.crisis textline.org or US and Canada: text 741741 UK: text 85258 | Ireland: text 50808

Give yourself permission to smile. It is not our grief that binds us to them, but our love, and that continues still.

Try not to isolate too much.

There's a balance to reach between taking time to process our grief, and avoiding it...it's good to find that balance for yourself. We can't keep so busy as to avoid our grief, it has a way of haunting us, finding us, and demanding we pay attention to it! Some people set aside time every day to grieve. I didn't have to, it searched and found me!

Self-care is extremely important, more so than ever. That person that would have cared for you is gone, now you're it...learn to be your own best friend, your own advocate, practice self-care. You'll need it more than ever.

Recognize that your doctor isn't trained in grief, find a professional grief counselor that is. We need help finding ourselves through this maze of grief, knowing where to start, etc. They have not only the knowledge, but the resources.

In time, consider a grief support group. If your friends have not been through it themselves, they may not understand what you're going through, it helps to find someone somewhere who DOES "get it".

Be patient, give yourself time. There's no hurry or timetable about cleaning out belongings, etc. They can wait, you can take a year, ten years, or never deal with it. It's okay, it's what YOU are comfortable with that matters.

Know that what we are comfortable with may change from time to time. That first couple of years I put his pictures up, took them down, up, down, depending on whether it made me feel better or worse. Finally, they were up to stay.

Consider a pet. Not everyone is a pet fan, but I've found that my dog helps immensely. It's someone to love, someone to come home to, someone happy to see me, someone that gives me a purpose...I have to come home and feed him. Besides, they're known to relieve stress. Well maybe not in the puppy stage when they're chewing up everything, but there's older ones to adopt if you don't relish that stage.

Make yourself get out now and then. You may not feel interest in anything, things that interested you before seem to feel flat now. That's normal. Push yourself out of your comfort zone just a wee bit now and then. Eating out alone, going to a movie alone or church alone, all of these things are hard to do at first. You may feel you flunked at it, cried throughout, that's okay, you did it, you tried, and eventually you get a little better at it. If I waited until I had someone to do things with I'd be stuck at home a lot.

Keep coming here. We've been through it and we're all going through this together.

Look for joy in every day. It will be hard to find at first, but in practicing this, it will change your focus so you can embrace what IS rather than merely focusing on what ISN'T. It teaches you to live in the present and appreciate fully. You have lost your big joy in life, and all other small joys may seem insignificant in comparison, but rather than compare what used to be to what is, learn the ability to appreciate each and every small thing that comes your way...a rainbow, a phone call from a friend, unexpected money, a stranger smiling at you, whatever the small joy, embrace it. It's an art that takes practice and is life changing if you continue it.

Eventually consider volunteering. It helps us when we're outward focused, it's a win/win.

(((hugs))) Praying for you today.

Thank you so much I will read these steps everyday in my mourning thank you for responding

1 hour ago, annie123 said:

I am so very sorry for your loss. My prayers are with you.

Thank you so much

February 5, 2021

56 minutes ago, Gail 8588 said:

Kelly Adalee,

I am so sorry for your loss. It is so unfair, you had a future planned with your wonderful guy. Then your life was shattered. Three months in limbo, hoping and praying for his recovery. It takes a toll.

My husband was in the hospital for the last 25 days of his life following a stroke, three different hospitals actually. I did all I could to will him back to wellness. So many times I bargained with God. I refused to see that he was not getting better. I was shattered to bits the last day when I signed the Do Not Recsutate order and removed his life support machines. You would think after 25 days in ICUs I would have been prepared for the possibility of his dying. I was not.

Be kind to yourself. You are suffering a tramatic shock and your brain will have trouble figuring out reality. Take the time you need to grieve.

Other people around you may not understand what you are going through, if they have never lost their true love. If their advice feels wrong to you, follow your heart.

Hopefully people will be supportive of you, lean on them, ask for and accept help when you need it.

Don't try to figure out your future right now. Your future was with him. Your brain will be stuck in that loop of no him = no future. Just get through today. What do you have to do today and try to do that. It is challenging enough to just get through each day, sometimes each hour or moment.

I am so sorry you are on this terrible journey of grief at such a young age. It is unbearable at any age. But somehow, one day at a time , we make our way out of the crushing pain of our loss and learn how to live with the memories of our sweethearts.

Come here whenever you feel the need to vent. We get it. Our lives have been shattered too.

Hugs

Gail

Thank you so much for your kind words and concern it feels so good knowing that others understand the pain I am feeling I’m going to miss him so much I think I am still in denial and like you said even after 25 days you were not prepared it’s been three months and I just can’t believe it I as well bargained with God and begged him everyday for the past three months to bring my love back to me but I guess God had other plans

February 5, 2021

I feel for you and know what pain your feeling. I was married 44 years to my High School Sweetheart. We did everything together.

Not a day goes by without feeling the hurt. My wife passed in July.2020 and I'am trying to push myself to go out again with friends

to establish some kind of normal life again. I know it will be hard , still can't believe she is gone. I saw on this site that someone

published tips to help with grief. I have followed quite a bit and have found them very helpful. I pray you may fine peace and open

yourself up to a future of happiness.

February 5, 2021

32 minutes ago, WJN said:

I feel for you and know what pain your feeling. I was married 44 years to my High School Sweetheart. We did everything together.

Not a day goes by without feeling the hurt. My wife passed in July.2020 and I'am trying to push myself to go out again with friends

to establish some kind of normal life again. I know it will be hard , still can't believe she is gone. I saw on this site that someone

published tips to help with grief. I have followed quite a bit and have found them very helpful. I pray you may fine peace and open

yourself up to a future of happiness.

Thank you so much I’m so sorry for your loss and pain especially after spending that long amount of time with her I pray you as well find peace and happiness right now all I can feel is denial and guilt I feel deep down that it is my fault he is gone and what I would give to trade places with him

February 5, 2021

That is far too young to lose a life. He sounds like he was a really good guy.

You have my sincere condolences. I wish I had an answer as to why things like this happen - but I don't.

May you find solace.

February 5, 2021

26 minutes ago, Perro J said:

That is far too young to lose a life. He sounds like he was a really good guy.

You have my sincere condolences. I wish I had an answer as to why things like this happen - but I don't.

May you find solace.

I know he was barely starting his life and he was finally getting it together he was a amazing guy inside and out, he lit up my life in so many ways he’s was the type of person you found and never wanted to let go of truly too good for this earth thank you for taking your time and reading that and for your condolences means a lot to me

February 5, 2021

KellyAdalee, I am so sorry for your loss and pain. You two were obviously a wonderful couple. This site I hope will give you some comfort in your time of need. If definitely does for me. I come here throughout the day. Especially, when I feel like I might be spinning out of control. We are here for you. God bless ... Steve

February 5, 2021

17 minutes ago, steveb said:

KellyAdalee, I am so sorry for your loss and pain. You two were obviously a wonderful couple. This site I hope will give you some comfort in your time of need. If definitely does for me. I come here throughout the day. Especially, when I feel like I might be spinning out of control. We are here for you. God bless ... Steve

Thank you Steve all of y’all’s kind words is what has been getting me through this day I get happy each time I get a comment from one of y’all I feel completely alone without him so it’s nice having other people who understand my pain try to comfort me God bless you

February 6, 2021

KellyAdalee, my deepest sympathy for your loss. I'm glad you came to this site. Like others here, it has helped me quite a bit. It's like a companion that you can turn to when you're feeling down. Your boyfriend seems like he was a real gentleman and treated you like gold. I admire that because I was like that with my wife. One Valentine's I felt like one dozen roses wasn't enough, so I bought her two dozen. She was shocked but I know that she really appreciated them. Hopefully by coming here you will get some good emotional support from all of us that are going through the same feelings as you.

February 6, 2021

I’m so glad I found this site all of y’all’s words has really been what’s helping me get through the day as I feel very alone in all of this right now all I have left of him is our dog he bought us I feel like it’s just me and her , I’m sure your wife loved and appreciated those roses reading that made me tear up because it is exactly something my love has done for me multiple times it’s very hard to find men like you and like my boyfriend my deepest condolences to you

February 6, 2021

Thank you KellyAdalee. I'm sure your boyfriend was lucky to have found a woman like you. God bless you.

February 6, 2021

I am grateful for the time George and I had, no matter how all too brief, at least I knew love and so did he. I can attest we never stop loving/missing them, we can only hope to live with it day by day. I wish we'd known each other when young but alas afraid we would not have been ready at that time, it took half our lives in preparation to be the perfect one for each other. You were blessed but now equally crushed and all our hearts go out to you in your loss.

February 6, 2021

I think that’s what makes me even more sad was that I only knew my love while he was young I’m never going to see him age with me we are never going to get the future we planned on so much no wedding no kids no waking up to his gorgeous face everyday my heart goes out to your loss and all of your pain y’all sound absolutely wonderful together

February 6, 2021

I'm so sorry you lost your love Kelly, that he died at such a young age, and that you're experiencing such a terrible loss at a young age. It's grotesquely unfair. You've been through a brutal trauma since October--waiting, worrying, and wondering if he'd recover. You must be emotional and physically exhausted. I hope you have friends and family to support you. Be kind to yourself and know that grief is individual and there is no wrong way to grieve. Big hugs from an internet stranger.

February 6, 2021

Thank you ,day two and I am still in shock like you said I’ve been through this trauma since October I feel like that is the only way I am functioning right now because I have been mourning since October even then I am still in denial that I am never going to see my person again all I can do is come on here and talk to you all who understand my pain it helps somewhat I cry when I realize he is gone forever but shortly after I stop I feel like I’ve cried so much over these three months I have ran out of tears I just feel my heart broken I feel a pain in my heart and it is hard for me to breathe I do have friends and family that have checked up on me but it frustrates me they are going on with their normal life’s daily routines it angers me that they do not understand the pain I am feeling I try to be with his family but I feel like I just add to their sadness which is why I enjoy being on here

February 7, 2021

No words, and that says a lot for me. (((hugs)))

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My boyfriend passed away yesterday but was gone for three months

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