My mother’s death is consuming me.

[Denise1153]

My mama passed away very sudden and unexpectedly on September 18, 2020. My dad passed away of cancer in 2004. I thought at the time that was the hardest thing I’d ever been through. Then a few years later I got divorced...again the hardest time of my life. My mama dying is by far the worst. She was always there for me through good and bad, she loved and supported me no matter what. She was always there to help me with my daughters who were both very close to her. We had to make the painful decision to remove life support as there was no hope for her recovery from a massive stroke. I find myself wondering if we made the right decision, should we have waited longer? I lie awake at night and I can’t stop thinking of her. I see her face as she was dying then I see her lying in her casket at the funeral service, it feels as if she should still be here, that I should be able to call her like always. It still doesn’t feel real to me. I go to the cemetery and I feel like I’m standing there and she’s just in the ground... I’ve been taught and believed my whole life that heaven is real and that is where we go when we die but now I find myself wondering if that’s really what happens... I just miss her, her voice, her laugh, the way she smelled just everything. 

[BEQUET93]

I am so sorry for your loss. In my own experience, when one is close to their mother, the loss of the mother is by far the worst. My grandma was my best friend and I loved her dearly, but my own mother's death has probably hit me harder than anything I will ever know.

I know it isn't any of my business, but I do not believe you made the wrong decision with the life support. I think that it is just normal that, after an event like experiencing the passing of a parent, to question oneself and how they handled the situation. With me, I worry that I didn't do the right thing by telling hospice that she wasn't ready for terminal sedation to be started. She did say she wanted to be "knocked out" at the end, but she was asking me to help her wake up and I took their word that it was terminal restlessness and let the next dose be given. I just have to tell myself that they were medical professionals who knew from experience that the end was near and I did the right thing by trusting their judgement. 

It has only been a few months and will probably take more time. Even then, there will still be grief, because you loved your mother, but the pain won't be so intense.

[Monty]

Any loss is difficult but a sudden loss feels like an additional blow. I lost my Mum to a brain aneurysm (stroke) 4 years ago. Unlike your family my Mum was gone when my Dad found her so we did not have to make the heartbreaking decision to turn off life support. That choice was made for us. I cannot even imagine what that was like for you. My Mum was at my house for lunch the day she died. She ate a salad roll and we had some lemon pudding for dessert. She hugged me as she left. 6pm that evening my Dad called to say she was gone.

My Dad passed away 3 months ago and this has hit me incredibly hard. It has brought up all the grief again on losing my Mum, now they are both gone, my kids have lost both their grandparents. I don’t know if it is because I have lost the second parent and they are both gone but this seems far worse. I was very close to my Dad and was doing a lot to care for him as he was unwell before he died. I miss the way he said my name, his laugh and the way he shuffled around in his slippers. 
 

Please know you are not alone. Be kind to yourself. That is what your Mum would want you to do.