Broken hearted

[annie123]

I lost my husband of 43 years and I miss him so much.  I feel so lost without him.  He suffered

so much with different things, it breaks my heart to remember him in pain.   I never got to say goodbye.

My heart is broken and I think it always will be.

[Dawn Wms]

I feel the same.  I am broken-hearted over losing my husband of 24 years.  I am miserable.  I don't know how people do it.  I haven't figured it out yet and it has been nine months.  They say the pain eventually subsides, but it is hard for me to believe.  My heart will never mend.  I will just have to live with it being broken.  I don't want to do anything and I don't find joy in anything because it all seems meaningless if I can't share it with him.  Wish I had helpful words but all I've got is empathy.

[steveb]

I am so very for your loss Annie.  The first few months after my  lovely wife passed; the pain was debilitating. It is less so at this point, but at times it can be crushing.  I do my best to get through each day and connect with others.  My wife was also in pain, but now I try to focus on the times when she was healthy, vibrant, and so full of energy.  It calms my mind and puts me in a better place. Our hearts will always be broken to some degree, but I think they can heal over time.  I hope myself and the others on this site can help ease your pain.

[jmmosley53]

It will be 10 months on Feb 3rd that I lost me husband.  I feel very broken hearted every time I see his photo.  I don't think that will ever change.  However how my broken heart manifest it's self has changed.  

Before I would crumble into hysterical crying, Now I feel like a knife has stabbed me in the chest.   But, I can hold it together most of the time now.

It's like my heart leaps at the sight of him the longing to be with him is so strong.  A lump comes into my throat, my struggle is to push it down and to carry on with whatever I was doing before.

I have thought about moving his photo but I can not - even though it causes pain I still want to see his face.

[Roxeanne]

There are no words to console from this terribile pain! I have been there and sometimes i am still there.

What i would suggest to do every now and then is a thing helped me: move your gaze

"Grief is seeing only what has been taken away from you, the celebration of a life is recognizing all that we were blessed with, and feeling so very grateful"

[KayC]

I am so sorry for your loss.  My sister just lost her husband of 50 years in September.  It's hard watching her go through it now too.  It's been 15 1/2 years since I lost my George.  It feels a lifetime ago.  I'm glad you found us, it is a site such as this that saved me back then, I was at a loss to know how to live without him, where to start.  This is a grief like none other.

I want to share an article I wrote of the things I've found helpful over the years, in the hopes something will be of help to you either now or on down the road.

TIPS TO MAKE YOUR WAY THROUGH GRIEF

There's no way to sum up how to go on in a simple easy answer, but I encourage you to read the other threads here, little by little you will learn how to make your way through this.  I do want to give you some pointers though, of some things I've learned on my journey.

• Take one day at a time.  The Bible says each day has enough trouble of it's own, I've found that to be true, so don't bite off more than you can chew.  It can be challenging enough just to tackle today.  I tell myself, I only have to get through today.  Then I get up tomorrow and do it all over again.  To think about the "rest of my life" invites anxiety.
• Don't be afraid, grief may not end but it evolves.  The intensity lessens eventually.
• Visit your doctor.  Tell them about your loss, any troubles sleeping, suicidal thoughts, anxiety attacks.  They need to know these things in order to help you through it...this is all part of grief.
• Suicidal thoughts are common in early grief.  If they're reoccurring, call a suicide hotline.  I felt that way early on, but then realized it wasn't that I wanted to die so much as I didn't want to go through what I'd have to face if I lived.  Back to taking a day at a time.  Suicide Hotline - Call 1-800-273-8255 or www.crisis textline.org or US and Canada: text 741741 UK: text 85258 | Ireland: text 50808
• Give yourself permission to smile.  It is not our grief that binds us to them, but our love, and that continues still.
• Try not to isolate too much.  
• There's a balance to reach between taking time to process our grief, and avoiding it...it's good to find that balance for yourself.  We can't keep so busy as to avoid our grief, it has a way of haunting us, finding us, and demanding we pay attention to it!  Some people set aside time every day to grieve.  I didn't have to, it searched and found me!
• Self-care is extremely important, more so than ever.  That person that would have cared for you is gone, now you're it...learn to be your own best friend, your own advocate, practice self-care.  You'll need it more than ever.
• Recognize that your doctor isn't trained in grief, find a professional grief counselor that is.  We need help finding ourselves through this maze of grief, knowing where to start, etc.  They have not only the knowledge, but the resources.
• In time, consider a grief support group.  If your friends have not been through it themselves, they may not understand what you're going through, it helps to find someone somewhere who DOES "get it". 
• Be patient, give yourself time.  There's no hurry or timetable about cleaning out belongings, etc.  They can wait, you can take a year, ten years, or never deal with it.  It's okay, it's what YOU are comfortable with that matters.  
• Know that what we are comfortable with may change from time to time.  That first couple of years I put his pictures up, took them down, up, down, depending on whether it made me feel better or worse.  Finally, they were up to stay.
• Consider a pet.  Not everyone is a pet fan, but I've found that my dog helps immensely.  It's someone to love, someone to come home to, someone happy to see me, someone that gives me a purpose...I have to come home and feed him.  Besides, they're known to relieve stress.  Well maybe not in the puppy stage when they're chewing up everything, but there's older ones to adopt if you don't relish that stage.
• Make yourself get out now and then.  You may not feel interest in anything, things that interested you before seem to feel flat now.  That's normal.  Push yourself out of your comfort zone just a wee bit now and then.  Eating out alone, going to a movie alone or church alone, all of these things are hard to do at first.  You may feel you flunked at it, cried throughout, that's okay, you did it, you tried, and eventually you get a little better at it.  If I waited until I had someone to do things with I'd be stuck at home a lot.
• Keep coming here.  We've been through it and we're all going through this together.
• Look for joy in every day.  It will be hard to find at first, but in practicing this, it will change your focus so you can embrace what IS rather than merely focusing on what ISN'T.  It teaches you to live in the present and appreciate fully.  You have lost your big joy in life, and all other small joys may seem insignificant in comparison, but rather than compare what used to be to what is, learn the ability to appreciate each and every small thing that comes your way...a rainbow, a phone call from a friend, unexpected money, a stranger smiling at you, whatever the small joy, embrace it.  It's an art that takes practice and is life changing if you continue it.
• Eventually consider volunteering.  It helps us when we're outward focused, it's a win/win.

(((hugs))) Praying for you today.

[annie123]

Thank you so much.  Such great advice.  I am trying to keep busy and get thru each day.  Nothing is joyful anymore, I am sad and cry everyday for what can't

be, my husband back, I want my old life back..  I have to learn to live with this new life, but some days I just don't know how.  I am glad that I found this site.

 

[Yoli]

I don't want to do anything new because I cannot do it with Indy. I also don't want to do anything we used to do because WE cannot do it together ever again.

[Sparky1]

15 hours ago, jmmosley53 said:

A lump comes into my throat

I know the feeling jmmosley53, I have to keep eating Hall's extra strength lozenges to sooth my throat because it's so raw. I know looking at portraits of our loved one is not easy, but in my case I have the portraits up to honour my wife.

[LMR]

15 hours ago, jmmosley53 said:

It will be 10 months on Feb 3rd that I lost me husband.  I feel very broken hearted every time I see his photo.  I don't think that will ever change.  However how my broken heart manifest it's self has changed.  

Before I would crumble into hysterical crying, Now I feel like a knife has stabbed me in the chest.   But, I can hold it together most of the time now.

It's like my heart leaps at the sight of him the longing to be with him is so strong.  A lump comes into my throat, my struggle is to push it down and to carry on with whatever I was doing before.

I have thought about moving his photo but I can not - even though it causes pain I still want to see his face.

I also have trouble looking at his photos. I have a very old one from 37 years ago that I put on my coffee table. I can talk to this one and its nice to see his face. The more recent photos instantly reduce me to tears. These are the man I loved the most, the man that had shared all those years with me. Loved and protected me. There is something in his eyes.........I just canr take it.

[KayC]

On 2/2/2021 at 8:52 AM, annie123 said:

Nothing is joyful anymore

This is common feeling us who "survive."  I embrace whatever good I can find and treasure it, but try not to compare to when George was alive, there is no comparison and those days are long gone.  It's harder for those fresh into it, they haven't yet gotten used to it, it takes much time to adjust.

[Roxeanne]

1 hour ago, KayC said:

This is common feeling us who "survive."  I embrace whatever good I can find and treasure it, but try not to compare to when George was alive, there is no comparison and those days are long gone.  It's harder for those fresh into it, they haven't yet gotten used to it, it takes much time to adjust.

You are so right Kay..."try not to compare to when George was alive" ( my love's name Giorgio)... There is not joy anymore...!

It's sad and boring...adjust to that is really to be brave and resilient!

[KayC]

Comparisons can be a real joy-killer.  He was my joy, now I just hope for any good in my day, I call them the "small joys" now that my big one is gone.   It can be a smile from someone, a phone call, $ coming in, someone letting us merge in traffic (a real miracle), anything can count if we but look for it and embrace it.  Does it compare to our old life?  Hell no, that's why I try not to go there, instead focusing on what there IS that is good.  Had I not learned how to live this way, I would have missed the blessing of my grandchildren, my dogs and cats over the years, friends I've made, and so much more.  This is my life now.

When it snowed a lot this week, FOUR people offered to help me (my hands hurt continually and I'm still recovering from surgery), I consider THAT a little joy worthy of recognizing.

[steveb]

As always KayC, your advice is spot on, of which, I need to embrace more.

[Roxeanne]

Yes Kay..."do what you can, with what you have, where you are" (T. Roosevelt)

I have a good afternoon celebrated a birthday's friend outside with masks cake and hot tea...talking all the time of funny moments with my love Giorgio and laughing as i remember..

before going out i was crying in my room missing him!

I try to take any chance to feel good as i can!

Thank for your  great advices!

[Missy1]

@Kay C I really appreciate your posts, I keep learning from everyone here. Understanding that it’s okay if I am this way for the rest of my life. I am tired of feeling pressure to be better. I will try to appreciate the small joys and be thankful for my blessings. You are certainly an inspiration on many levels. 
For me it’s the feeling that life will be cold and I will keep living in shades of gray without the vibrant colors and laughter that once was my life. It’s has to okay...

[Missy1]

On 2/2/2021 at 1:20 PM, Yoli said:

I don't want to do anything new because I cannot do it with Indy. I also don't want to do anything we used to do because WE cannot do it together ever again.

I feel exactly like this. I am hopelessly in love my husband, I can’t let him go and I won’t! He got me, I totally got him, we are tethered together forever.
I feel him near yet so far. I remember so many beautiful memories yet feels like I can’t hold them all, they are slipping away every day. Sometimes it feels like it’s been a thousand years since I heard his voice, felt his touch. It’s been one horrible, long, painful year. I don’t know how I survived. One cannot stop time for the rest of the world, time has frozen for me alone...

 

 

[annie123]

Today is such a bad day for me.  I am missing my husband so much. I feel like my heart is physically breaking..  I am a mess today, I can't stop crying.

I guess I just have to learn to live with this pain.  Some days are worse then others and today is one of those days.

[LoveNeverDies]

I’m having one of those days too. I’m not sure how to go on without him . I miss him so much , he was my everything. 

[steveb]

Annie123 and LoveNeverDies ... I’m so sorry that you are both going through such pain.  It is the worst feeling in the world. Try not to let if overwhelm you for too long.  You both must consider your own physical and mental well being.  God bless, Steve.

[foreverhis]

On 2/3/2021 at 9:18 AM, KayC said:

I embrace whatever good I can find and treasure it, but try not to compare to when George was alive, there is no comparison and those days are long gone. 

It took nearly 2 years for me to get to a place where I was able to truly grasp the little bits of joy that occur every day.  It might be my doggie friend flying in the door so happy to see me and wanting to play and snuggle.  Or maybe it's the first fledgling Peregrine learning to fly in the tall trees at the end of the street.  Or the first lily of the season opening in all its glory and then later in the season John's absolute favorite, tall, strong, and beautiful.  I couldn't look at it the first season, it hurt too much, especially because I had cut them and taken them in his favorite vase to have in his hospital room.  These days, a freshly baked loaf of bread made with my new baking partner (a friend who lives across the street), even though we've been "baking together, separately" since last March, brings joy to the day. 

I don't compare because there is no comparison.  I will never be as happy as I was before, at least not until I am reunited with my soulmate, but I am a little happier than I was 2-1/2 years ago when I couldn't see even a pinpoint of light.

[jwahlquist]

So many things in life aren’t fair but losing a spouse/ partner has to be among the worst.  It was a year ago, February 3rd, that I lost my husband of 22 years.  It is such a crushing loss.  The vast emptiness and the immense pain are things that just can’t be explained to someone who hasn’t been through it.  No matter what happens........from the time you lose that special someone you are forever changed.   I am not who I once was, the grief has seen to that.  Yet, I am also sure, I am not yet who I will become either.

[KayC]

@jwahlquist  I truly feel like we deserve \trophy or badge for surviving the year of "firsts without..."  It doesn't signify the hump for sure as we all know we still have this to live with, but it says a whole lot about us and our resilience and ability to survive the most horrific thing that could happen, like it or not.  We did it.  I just wish it wasn't so painful, esp. for the new ones.

[steveb]

5 hours ago, jwahlquist said:

I am not who I once was, the grief has seen to that.  Yet, I am also sure, I am not yet who I will become either.

How very true. 

[annie123]

21 hours ago, steveb said:

Annie123 and LoveNeverDies ... I’m so sorry that you are both going through such pain.  It is the worst feeling in the world. Try not to let if overwhelm you for too long.  You both must consider your own physical and mental well being.  God bless, Steve.

Thank you Steve

[annie123]

I joined this group searching for comfort and people have been very kind.  But, I thought I would feel less lonely and the truth is, I can be in a crowded

room and still feel incredibly lonely without my husband there.  He is never going to be here again, so, I guess I am saying , I am always going

to be sad and lonely. I cry everyday, not that it does any good.  I am as lost and heartbroken as when it first happened 4 months ago.  We are getting a winter storm on Saturday night, so, I just walked thru the snow that we have now, to bring some roses to lay at my husbands grave.  It was close, but I'm not even sure it was his grave site due to all the snow.  I guess I am having another bad day.

 

[Diane R. E.]

My heart goes out to you annie123. You are right, everyone on this forum is so supportive and kind, but it does not take away our loneliness for the partner we lost. My husband passed away 4 months ago as well, and I miss him more every day. 

[Sparky1]

Annie123, I feel for you. My wife has been gone almost 4 months as well and for me the hardest part has been the loneliness and emptiness in my life. My heart is broken and aches so much a lot of times during the day. This grieving is so unbelievably difficult for all of us and I never dreamed that it would be like this. I guess it's true what they say, that the more you loved your partner, the more intense the grieving will be.

[annie123]

Diane and Sparky1,  thank you so much for your support.  I am so sorry for your losses as well. L am really hurting today,  as we all are.

[steveb]

It’s good that we can share our pain and loss with each other.  I come here often to find solace. 

[KayC]

Annie, I am sorry you are hurting so much, I wish grief shared would be lessened but the truth is, we carry our grief alone, even while we share with others...it does help I think though to know you're not alone in how you're feeling but that doesn't take away from all that you're feeling, if that makes any sense.

I have a friend from another grief site also lives in PA, we've become close, she's kept me up on the weather there (Bangor), she's gotten a lot of snow, I'm sorry more's coming in, we're supposed to get it starting tonight too.  I pray it's not too much for any of us...just under two more months of this.

[annie123]

Thanks KayC.  We are due for more snow tommorrow morning..

[KayC]

I hope it's not too much.  She said freezing rain is in the forecast.  Stay safe inside if possible!

[Diane R. E.]

I feel so bad for those of you who are grieving PLUS have to deal with the cold, snow, and ice! I'm so glad my husband and I moved to sunny Glendale, AZ. (His last goal in life was to get us here from MN.) Being able to go for an afternoon walk in the sunshine while wearing short sleeves has been a lifesaver. I wish I could send some warmth and sunshine your way. Stay safe!

[foreverhis]

On 2/7/2021 at 6:23 AM, KayC said:

@jwahlquist  I truly feel like we deserve \trophy or badge for surviving the year of "firsts without..."  It doesn't signify the hump for sure as we all know we still have this to live with, but it says a whole lot about us and our resilience and ability to survive the most horrific thing that could happen, like it or not.  We did it.  I just wish it wasn't so painful, esp. for the new ones.

Boy, isn't that the truth?

John died 2 weeks after one of our two anniversaries.  (A little explanation.  We had a private, "just us together" anniversary and then our 6 months later "let's celebrate wedding with close friends and family" anniversary.)  He died on the anniversary of the day he was in a bicycling accident that would have killed him had he not been wearing his helmet.  The irony of that was not lost on me.  July 9 was already a lousy day for us because the permanent injuries from his accident took our life together in a different, more challenging direction.  Our daughter said, "I wonder if he knew deep down and was trying to spare you having even more horrible dates to remember." 

Then 4 weeks later was my birthday, followed 2 weeks after that by his.  I'm not sure how I even got through those first two months of "Here comes another day to stomp on your heart some more."  By the time we got to Thanksgiving and our other anniversary, I was entering the 5-6 month down swing anyway.  It was just shattering. By the time we got to Christmas and New Years, I was a quivering blob of pain and felt as if he had just left us.

Strangely enough, when June 2019 rolled around, it was the days leading up to our anniversary that were the hardest.  I spent so much time thinking about how horrible the day would be that I guess I had little energy left for the day itself.  What helped was that a friend called that morning and asked if I was up for a little walk to the nature preserve close by.  It was the first beautiful, warm, sunny day we'd had in weeks.  Here on the coast, the marine layer sucks in for "June gloom."  I had sent a thought to John the night before of "Honey, can you arrange for tomorrow to be warm and sunny?  I'm already depressed enough."  My friend and I walked and it was peaceful and calm.  She and her husband understand grief because they lost their daughter at birth years earlier.  So we talked about spirituality and universal faith and what it means to be connected to each other.

Then came the 1 year anniversary of his death.  I looked in the mirror at a woman who seemed to have aged 10 years so fast and wondered how I managed to keep breathing for a whole year.  But it was also around that time that some of my grief started to soften and I was able to take in little times of happiness in the small things.  Maybe it was that having survived the first year, I figured I could survive the years to come.

[Missy1]

On 2/2/2021 at 9:52 AM, annie123 said:

Thank you so much.  Such great advice.  I am trying to keep busy and get thru each day.  Nothing is joyful anymore, I am sad and cry everyday for what can't

be, my husband back, I want my old life back..  I have to learn to live with this new life, but some days I just don't know how.  I am glad that I found this site.

Every day this is my sentiment... we will never have it back. I won’t ever settle for anything less. I am stubborn and irrational when it comes to my love for him. I am not trying to carry some torch or punish myself, I am simply, hopelessly in love with him. 
He got me, I got him, were the same kindred  spirits like no one I had ever met. 
I read here every day, I don’t always comment because it’s hard somedays. I to am grateful for everyone here, this a place I feel connected to life and humanity.

[MissyLaLaLa]

Annie123 I understand how you feel completely. I feel the exact same way. I could have all kinds of people around me, but without him I feel alone. He was such an outgoing happy likeable person. He helped me become a more social person more likeable. Before I met him I was very antisocial. I have noticed now that he is gone I am going back to my old ways. Everywhere I look I see these happy loving couples and it makes me bitter. I had the most amazing marriage and the most loving husband, but now he's gone and it's so hard to live without him. 

[KayC]

foreverhis, what you said reminded me of that first year...He died on Father's Day, his birthday banner from five days before, still up.  July 4 rolled around, I was not up to celebrating at my daughter's friend's with her but did go to a town concert/BBQ for a bit.  Came home and his closet rung had broken, throwing all his clothes on the floor.  Labor Day was always a big day in my family, we'd camp with all our friends, and my kids grew up loving it...it was never to be that way again for any of us.  October brought my birthday and no one remembered!  George had always made a big deal of it and the disparity was not lost on me.  I cried myself to sleep, missing him beyond description.  Thanksgiving came and his empty chair at the table was palpable.  Christmas...I would not have put up a tree but for my young adult kids, my son wanted us to go get one and my daughter wanted me to help her decorate it.  I hung George's stocking and started a new tradition...putting a note to him in his stocking.  His ornaments are front and foremost.  He loved Christmas and all holidays.  NYs came and brought with it the pain of knowing he would not be in this new year.  Valentine's Day brought our church's Valentine Banquet where we'd always gone together, holding hands, him getting me flowers, this year felt empty.  By the time Easter rolled around, I major rebelled!  I could not do another "holiday without!"  I told my kids I wanted to ignore the day.  It was always the most meaningful day to me of any of the religious ones, but I just couldn't do it.  I didn't go to church, didn't fix a big dinner, treated it like any other day, my kids were on board with it.  The next Sunday I fixed them a big meal but none of us mentioned Easter.  Mother's Day was okay as it's about your kids but still, that person was missing.  His birthday came around, what do you do with it when they're no longer here?  Each one of these brought pain.  And then Father's Day came AND the death day, so I had a double whammy as it fell on a different number every year.  I wrote him a message and sent it up in a balloon...it burst and came back to me!  I laughed, figuring that was George's sense of humor.  This was the hardest day of all and always will be.

I don't know how we make it through all this except one day at a time.