Everything became overwhelming last night

[Diane R. E.]

I know all of you fully realize how the emotional and physical aspects of grief are exhausting. I don't mean to complain and I don't want sympathy, because many of you have your own physical ailments that are worse than mine, and my husband certainly battled huge physical problems. But last night everything just caught up with me and I became overwhelmed. About two months ago (my husband died almost four months ago) I started have mid back pain, which gradually became more severe, so I finally went to the doctor. An x-ray showed I had a compression fractur of my T8 vertebra, and a subsequent MRI showed the compression fracture had occurred recently. So last week I had a kyphoplasty procedure, which has alleviated the back pain (yay). However, about one month ago I had a flare up om my sciatica, which is causing pain in my right hip and down the back of my leg. (A separate issue than the compression fracture.) Then to top it off, I developed a severe dermatitis from the iodine solution they used to clean my back for the kyphoplasty procedure. When it only got worse, I went to a Minute Clinic yesterday, and the NP immediately put me on an oral steroid along with a topical steroid. She told me that whoever put it on for me, they should wash their hands right away. When I told her I live alone now that my husband passed away (she was impressively sympathetic) she put the first dose of the cream over my entire back (it's impossible to reach it all yourself). Later at home, it made me realize that my Doug is no longer here to do those kinds of things for me. Of course that is tiny compared to losing him, but I had a little bit of a breakdown. It's enough to be grieving, let alone have additional physical issues! My heart goes out to all of you for having to go through the process of grieving, and for those who have additional physical issues, my prayers are with you!

[ScotJ65]

@Diane R. E. 

I'm so sorry to hear of your loss. You must miss your husband terribly. I too lost my partner, last November, and not a moment goes by that I'm not thinking about her. No wonder you feel overwhelmed, what you're enduring at the moment would push anyone to their limits. Is there nobody else that could help you to apply the steroid? What if you could go back to the clinic, would they not do it for you? It's hard enough coping with bereavement without having to deal with all that other stuff too. You're in my thoughts and prayers today 

[Gail 8588]

Diane R. E.,

It is absolutely overwhelming.  I am so  sorry all of these issues have piled on,  on top of your grief.  

Yes we all struggle with having to find new solutions to our daily living challenges. Asking friends or family to do things our partner would have done for us. Or finding professionals who will do it for a fee.  It is all so difficult and embarrassing and sad and worrisome.  The actual mechanics of 'how' do I get the things done that my partner used to do, is a big challenge and frustration. 

Slowly you work through one event after another and you find new support systems.  It's no fun.  Every time it is a reminder of your partner's absence. 

I am so sorry you are having all these issues. Keep doing your best to take care of yourself. 

Hugs

Gail

 

[foreverhis]

Of course we offer you our sympathy--whether you ask for it or not.  And yes, we all have those slaps in the heart and mind of, "You'll need someone to do this for/with you," and having to respond that our partners have died.

But right this moment, I'm going to offer you practical advice.  I have multiple medical conditions, one affects my skin (though not horribly).  My back can become irritated and I need to apply anti-itch lotions.  I searched around for answers to, "How the heck am I supposed to do this?" while I strained to reach different spots.  I discovered that there are some pretty good long-handled applicators.  I read review after review and finally settled on one with an angled handle and textured, replaceable applicator paddle.  It works well, spreads lotions evenly, and is easy to rinse.  It's been a life saver.  We're probably not supposed to "promote" specific things, but I'm going to anyway and hope it doesn't get deleted.  There are many other options out there and one might be better for you.  This is the one I bought:

Handled applicator

I bought it for about $15 online.  It came with three or four applicator heads.

It doesn't make it better emotionally, but it sure makes the actual task easier.

((HUGS))

[Diane R. E.]

Thank you all for your kind words and practical suggestions. I looked for a long handled applicator at Target, but they didn't have any, so thank you forever his, for the link! ScotJ65, I'm so sorry for your loss. My husband and I moved here to Glendale, AZ from MN only six days before he had to go into the hospital. We were supposed to be starting our dream retirement. I do have a sister near by, but too far to go over twice a day. So I will for sure order an applicator. Hugs to you all.

[foreverhis]

1 hour ago, Diane R. E. said:

I looked for a long handled applicator at Target, but they didn't have any, so thank you forever his, for the link!

I'm glad I was able to point you in the right direction.  I bought mine through a huge online retailer (the one we all love to hate) with free shipping.  I hate that I had to find it, but it was at least one thing less to stress over.

[Sparky1]

Foreverhis, I also thank you for pointing us to this applicator. I have arthritis everywhere and find it's getting harder to rub Voltaren on my back. Since my wife passed away, I've had injections in both knees and twice in my back. Diane, I also have sciatica and have to always rub creams on my back, and it doesn't help that I have a tear in my shoulder which makes doing my left side very difficult. Mine is also on my right side and can sympathize with what you're going through.

[Cindyd]

I lost my doug in December. It must be hard to deal with your own health issues right now. I can't deal with brushing my teeth anymore let alone what ever else. .all those little things added up to your life with him.

[KayC]

Diane, I am sorry you're going through this.  I hate asking for help and every time I get Melanoma on my back I have to ask a neighbor to help me.  I've figured out how to get the bandages off by myself (they have to come off before showering) but I still need someone to put the antibiotic and bandage back on.  Just went through this again.  Do reach out for help.  It's harder for us to ask than it is for them to help us.  15 1/2 years alone, not a lot I haven't been through in that time. 

 

[Diane R. E.]

Thank you so much, everyone for your kind words, suggestions and sharing your own stories. My heart goes out to all of us experiencing grief and pray for physical ailments to get better. Love to you all!

[Bennie Jets]

Hi Diane R. E.,

Everyone has already given such great answers and said some of what I wanted to say, too, but I want to send my support as well. I totally understand being scared with physical issues on top of grief - that is such a hard thing to experience and I wish I could have been there for you as your best friend so you did not have to be alone that night!

Next best thing is to think: You are not alone! Never! Don't feel that way for a minute. There is the forum, day and night, and so many others who have had similar experiences and can help with essential advice. Then there are devices, neighbors, friends, family, hired help, etc. Most people are kind-hearted and willing to lend a hand, if they can. Even if people are not normally close to anyone but a partner, we live in a society that has a lot to offer if we need help. Many people never have a partner.

If it helps you, I can also share that I was actually really disappointed *before* my husband died that he did *not* help me with a huge ulcer on my back. I did so much for him and then he and his dad were out at the pharmacy one day and would not even bring me the sterile bandages I needed so badly. I could not go out, I had to work. Alan said he 'could not see it' when I asked him to help me clean it and put the new pad on. He had vision problems but he was still using the computer and keyboard!? This thing was more than 2" around. I ended up doing it myself with a mirror and a long stick (back scratcher he had gotten me years back) and luckily I found some smaller bandages I could use to tie me over until I could get the right ones myself.  My neck was stiff for days when the thing opened and I had to clean it for about an hour, looking over my shoulder with a mirror. I am glad there is something I can forgive him - nobody's perfect. He just could/would not do that for me, even when he was here. Maybe I was too critical and he had just given up doing anything for me because he was sick of the anger I had. It is possible, I don't know. 

Another thing that gives me some peace is that I wanted to be there for him, even if nobody will be there for me. I am not sure if that helps anybody else. It is just a peaceful feeling that I sometimes have that calms my fears.

[jmmosley53]

Diane,

Can you call the doctor and tell them you can't apply what was prescribed and you want them to prescribe an aerosol medication.  It might be easier to apply.

[Diane R. E.]

Thanks jmmosley53, that is a good idea. Fortunately, I ordered the long handled lotion applicator, and it's arriving today!

[KayC]

I'm so glad for you, perhaps you can post the link as I could use one? 

 

[Diane R. E.]

foreverhis posted the link this past Mon, so you can scroll above and find it. It works great!

[KayC]

Thank you, don't know how I missed it!

[BBB]

My sympathies Diane, that is a lot to go through. I truly understand your loss but you've had more grief piled on top of that. I keep having these 6 month meltdowns and wonder when they are going to subside. I'm waiting to come out through the other side. I hope your physical ailments improve. You've been through enough.....we've ALL been through enough.