Guilt

[Jtek]

I met my husband when we were 15. We dated then married in a span of 11 years. He always drank, but I'd justify it with the crowd he hung around, or stress as we got older.  The last 10 years have increasingly spiraled out of control. We were divorcing due to the lies, and drinking, attempts at him cheating on me.  He drank himself to death during our separation. I'm having a hard time with guilt.  We have two teenage children and seeing the hurt they are going through is killing me. 

[widower2]

I'm so sorry for your loss, and the added pain of your children...and FYI grief and guilt are old friends. It's human nature to feel some guilt, whether it's merited or not. But in your case from what I can tell the answer is very much NOT. You didn't force him to drink or chase other women. Don't put him on a pedestal or give him a free pass because he's gone. That's not fair to you or your kids He had his virtues and his flaws like anyone else. Try to accept both for what they were, no more, no less.

[Roxeanne]

Jtek i'm so sorry... it's very hurtful!...but there is no way to save someone who does not try to save himself.

They go relentlessly....leaving behind a terrible pain and a hard path shrewn with shards of glass of guilt...

Be kind to yourself... You did the best you can.

 

[jmmosley53]

Jtek,

Alcoholism is so hard on both the drinker and the people that are around them.  There is no way you can stop someone from drinking.  Their drinking has nothing to do with you.  It is their private struggle with addiction.  The stinking thinking that drinkers have makes doing the most stupid thing sound great. 

You do not deserve any guilt, drinkers try and put guilt on the people around them to justify their drinking.  Love your husband for the man he was when you married him.

In his moments of clarity he must have loved you and the children as much as you all loved him.  Take the good part.  The bad part is addiction, there is no excuse for it, it is just the reason for the hurtful behavior..

[Jtek]

Thank you all so very much. I will reread your words daily....I feel guilty everyday. It's only been two months since he passed away. I am still very new in grief.  Sometimes I feel like I can't breath.   He left us with mountains of debt and guilt....nothing more. I don't understand what happened to him. He was slowly slipping away over the years, then it went into fast mode. I tried...we all begged and pleaded for him to get help,  but he was just emotionless. I try everyday to rationalize through the last few months and peace it all together. But it's like a puzzle with missing pieces, I can't make sense of it. 

[KayC]

@Jtek  I am so sorry...I don't feel you deserve to feel guilt, but we feel what we feel and no one can talk us down from it, it's something we have to work through little by little.  I hope you will get some counseling as it can help.  You needed to protect your children.  Of course they feel grief at his loss, that's natural.  Our relationships can be complex, some things we remember/love, some things we could not tolerate and esp. protecting our children has to come first.  I do love the responses you've gotten here. 

http://www.griefhealingblog.com/2014/06/disenfranchised-grief-when-ex-spouse.html

Grief and the Burden of Guilt

I want to share an article I wrote of the things I've found helpful over the years, in the hopes something will be of help to you either now or on down the road.

TIPS TO MAKE YOUR WAY THROUGH GRIEF

There's no way to sum up how to go on in a simple easy answer, but I encourage you to read the other threads here, little by little you will learn how to make your way through this.  I do want to give you some pointers though, of some things I've learned on my journey.

• Take one day at a time.  The Bible says each day has enough trouble of it's own, I've found that to be true, so don't bite off more than you can chew.  It can be challenging enough just to tackle today.  I tell myself, I only have to get through today.  Then I get up tomorrow and do it all over again.  To think about the "rest of my life" invites anxiety.
• Don't be afraid, grief may not end but it evolves.  The intensity lessens eventually.
• Visit your doctor.  Tell them about your loss, any troubles sleeping, suicidal thoughts, anxiety attacks.  They need to know these things in order to help you through it...this is all part of grief.
• Suicidal thoughts are common in early grief.  If they're reoccurring, call a suicide hotline.  I felt that way early on, but then realized it wasn't that I wanted to die so much as I didn't want to go through what I'd have to face if I lived.  Back to taking a day at a time.  Suicide Hotline - Call 1-800-273-8255 or www.crisis textline.org or US and Canada: text 741741 UK: text 85258 | Ireland: text 50808
• Give yourself permission to smile.  It is not our grief that binds us to them, but our love, and that continues still.
• Try not to isolate too much.  
• There's a balance to reach between taking time to process our grief, and avoiding it...it's good to find that balance for yourself.  We can't keep so busy as to avoid our grief, it has a way of haunting us, finding us, and demanding we pay attention to it!  Some people set aside time every day to grieve.  I didn't have to, it searched and found me!
• Self-care is extremely important, more so than ever.  That person that would have cared for you is gone, now you're it...learn to be your own best friend, your own advocate, practice self-care.  You'll need it more than ever.
• Recognize that your doctor isn't trained in grief, find a professional grief counselor that is.  We need help finding ourselves through this maze of grief, knowing where to start, etc.  They have not only the knowledge, but the resources.
• In time, consider a grief support group.  If your friends have not been through it themselves, they may not understand what you're going through, it helps to find someone somewhere who DOES "get it". 
• Be patient, give yourself time.  There's no hurry or timetable about cleaning out belongings, etc.  They can wait, you can take a year, ten years, or never deal with it.  It's okay, it's what YOU are comfortable with that matters.  
• Know that what we are comfortable with may change from time to time.  That first couple of years I put his pictures up, took them down, up, down, depending on whether it made me feel better or worse.  Finally, they were up to stay.
• Consider a pet.  Not everyone is a pet fan, but I've found that my dog helps immensely.  It's someone to love, someone to come home to, someone happy to see me, someone that gives me a purpose...I have to come home and feed him.  Besides, they're known to relieve stress.  Well maybe not in the puppy stage when they're chewing up everything, but there's older ones to adopt if you don't relish that stage.
• Make yourself get out now and then.  You may not feel interest in anything, things that interested you before seem to feel flat now.  That's normal.  Push yourself out of your comfort zone just a wee bit now and then.  Eating out alone, going to a movie alone or church alone, all of these things are hard to do at first.  You may feel you flunked at it, cried throughout, that's okay, you did it, you tried, and eventually you get a little better at it.  If I waited until I had someone to do things with I'd be stuck at home a lot.
• Keep coming here.  We've been through it and we're all going through this together.
• Look for joy in every day.  It will be hard to find at first, but in practicing this, it will change your focus so you can embrace what IS rather than merely focusing on what ISN'T.  It teaches you to live in the present and appreciate fully.  You have lost your big joy in life, and all other small joys may seem insignificant in comparison, but rather than compare what used to be to what is, learn the ability to appreciate each and every small thing that comes your way...a rainbow, a phone call from a friend, unexpected money, a stranger smiling at you, whatever the small joy, embrace it.  It's an art that takes practice and is life changing if you continue it.
• Eventually consider volunteering.  It helps us when we're outward focused, it's a win/win.

(((hugs))) Praying for you today.

[Gail 8588]

Jtek,

I am so sorry for your loss and the financial mess your husband left you with.   

Just when your brain is not working properly , due to grief, you have to deal with all the financial stuff too.  It's overwhelming. 

I do hope you are able to get some counseling. I think it will help in working through some of the issues, especially guilt. 

His death is not your fault.  It is just terribly sad that he was not able to overcome his addition. 

The debt is something you have every right to be angry about.  I hope it will not be too bad.  You may want to speak to a lawyer to determine what liability you have to pay off his debt. Credit cards in his name you may not have to pay.  There may be other debts that are not your responsibility. 

I am so sorry.  It is all so intertwined with the love you had  and the dreams you had of growing old together happily.  It is very hard to sort it all out. Be kind to yourself.  You don't deserve any of this. 

Gail