What we do to cope...

[Missy1]

Let’s share some something  that has helped  you get through the day. It could be anything special, maybe keeping a tradition, eating or cooking, baking, a special activity or place, something that makes you feel so close.

I have many but my latest  is, that I put a tiny spritz of his cologne on one of one of his comfy shirts, I snuggle it and  bury my face deeply into his soft flannel shirt  and I can feel him, I can imagine him here with me! 
 

 

[Sparky1]

32 minutes ago, Missy1 said:

Let’s share some something  that has helped  you get through the day. It could be anything special, maybe keeping a tradition, eating or cooking, baking, a special activity or place, something that makes you feel so close.

I have many but my latest  is, that I put a tiny spritz of his cologne on one of one of his comfy shirts, I snuggle it and  bury my face deeply into his soft flannel shirt  and I can feel him, I can imagine him here with me! 
 

 

This is a great idea Missy1. I have quite a few of my wife's perfumes, I will try that with a piece of her clothing. This is crazy, but I get comfort from a picture of her that I have on the fridge with magnets. Our grandson was born October 7, and we knew that my wife wasn't in great shape. My stepdaughter brought the baby to the hospital for my wife to see him. She loved him and kissed him many times.  I asked her if she liked seeing the baby and she said she loved seeing him. She passed away a couple weeks later. They took pictures of her with the baby and now I kiss the picture every day and I feel like I'm kissing my wife on the side of her face.

[steveb]

50 minutes ago, Sparky1 said:

They took pictures of her with the baby and now I kiss the picture every day and I feel like I'm kissing my wife on the side of her face.

I too have pics of my wife and family on the 2 fridges in my kitchen. I kiss pics of my wife, which are all over the house.  It has become a morning tradition for me.

Thanks Missy1 for the wonderful idea!  
 

 

[jmmosley53]

Missy1,

For me, keeping busy helps - if I am doing something that occupies my mind or diverts my focus I can function.  When I sit down my eye seek his photo in the living room and once I make eye contact with the photo everything comes flooding back.

For a reason I can't explain even to myself I can't move the photo.  But, being busy with almost anything is how I manage to keep grief at bay.

[KayC]

Having a schedule, keeping busy, spending time with my puppy, cooking (at first that was hard as I loved to cook for George).  Coming here and my diabetic group, it's connection/support with others.

[borbzgirl]

The only thing that gives me a feeling of "lightness" (because everything has been so heavy in my heart lately), is when I go out biking. I have a 3-wheeled bicycle (it's not a sporty one) and I try to go out and bike everyday after work, just to feel the air. I bike in the subdivision, then outside finding roads that are away from the highway, even just in circles..... Although I must admit, my tears fall while I'm biking. But it does make me feel like I can breathe... As opposed to just drowning. It's an upgrade.

[LoveNeverDies]

Talking about him helps me. Remembering all the good things he did in his life , he was always  helping people less fortunate than himself , buying meals and giving clothes to homeless people.  He also loved animals and took in a lot of  strays . Keeping his memories alive and remembering  how he lived , rather than how he died helps me . 

[Gail 8588]

Missy, 

Thanks for starting this thread. 

I listen to my sweetie sing.  He was a musician, though I always told him don't quit your day job.  He made about 10 CDs with different friends.

In the beginning I would cry when I listened.  Now it really brings me joy.  It brought him so much joy to make the music, I can hear it in his voice. 

Gail

[Missy1]

@Gail 8588 I was just writing a reply on how you inspired me to try to find ways to connect like you did with the CD’s. I also loved the post about finding something personal and holding it as a keepsake.

At first my instinct was to I zip locked some of his laundry and would smell it when I felt like he was far away. He smells like lemons and sunshine to me . I also read @KayC and how she snuggled into his robe. These types of experiences are  are so helpful when I an feeling so low and alone. I thought if we share these little tips we can help each other get the those desperately lonely days.

[Cindyd]

I talk to my husband in the house everyday. It was our ritual to kiss goodbye and say I love u and I love u more and I keep it. I don't know if he's out there somehow or even if he can hear but if so I want him to know I'm still his and he is still loved.

[Gail 8588]

One thing that has helped me feel more calm is a weighted blanket.  I mentioned to my son that I was thinking of getting one and he bought me one for my birthday, the beginning of December.  Mine is just a small one (smaller than a twin blanket) which is plenty big enough. 

It sort of feels like a warm hug, perhaps how a swaddled baby feels.  It is calming for me and seems to help me to fall asleep. 

I am not sure how it will be in the summer, as it is quite warm, but it is nice in the winter.

I don't think I would want it to be any bigger, as I like that I can get out from under it when it gets too warm.

Gail 

[Diane R. E.]

I too, love my weighted blanket! It helps with the restlessness when I can't get to sleep.

[CSN51]

This is not a daytime thing, but something that helps me to sleep. Steve snored, and it got worse as he got older, so for the past several years, after we’d kissed goodnight, I would put on noise cancelling headphones and start an audiobook to drown out the snoring. Now i don’t use the headphones, but I still start an audiobook when I get into bed. I like listening to a new one for a while, until I’m actually ready to sleep. Then I switch to something old and familiar, that I’ve listened to multiple times...usually one of the “Outlander” or the “Harry Potter” series. That way, if I wake up during the night, I know exactly where I am in the story, and can just continue listening until I go back to sleep. I also put pillows down the middle of the bed on Steve’s side. Mine are old feather pillows, and after I get settled, I pull them against my back, (or against my front, if I roll over to face Steve’s side of the bed.) My body is used to sleeping against someone, and the pillows feel more normal than an empty bed. I don’t know if this would work for everyone, but it really helps me get a more normal night’s sleep.

[Bennie Jets]

Writing things down - this forum - calling a friend - talking to him in my mind and getting an answer sometimes - asking myself what I would have wanted him to do if I had gone first - taking care of animals - helping his dad - taking some deep breaths - laying down with a hot water bottle (my feet get so cold it hurts and don't warm up on their own, so the heat is heavenly) - saying what I am grateful for (food, a warm room to sit in) - watching an old movie we used to enjoy, preferrably a funny one (he asked for The Vicar of Dibley in his last days and that one is perfect for me now, it has a sense of community and caring and lots of jokes - only Mrs. Cropley dying was not good this time around, he still saw it and did not like it, but the rest is perfect, even the theme song) - sleeping in - talking to myself and trying to be kind, especially around guilt related feelings (we both made mistakes, be both loved each other very much) - remembering what he said to me: "I wish I knew how to make you quit that: you have nothing to blame yourself for" - crying out loud - eating comfort food that was gifted to me (you can order your own package if you have the money, from different companies) - painting my grief with a student water color set, some brushes, and a large paper pad (you can get it at a craft store like Michaels in the U.S.) - taking a hot epsom salt bath - having a cup of tea - rolling up in a blanket so I feel hugged, under another set of blankets - taking vitamins (especially B12 and D3 and other supplements that help me, like Mg) - I think I may try to exercise again some time but don't feel up to it yet, I still walk very slowly and feel very weak physically, grief can take it out of you more than I could imagine

 

 

[KayC]

On 2/3/2021 at 8:13 PM, Bennie Jets said:

talking to myself and trying to be kind, especially around guilt related feelings

Your whole post is worthy of an AMEN because it speaks of what I call self care and learning to be our own best friend!  So important!  It took me years to learn it so you are well ahead of me!  You are an inspiration here.  

[Bennie Jets]

4 hours ago, KayC said:

You whole post is worthy of an AMEN because it speaks of what I call self care and learning to be our own best friend!  So important!  It took me years to learn it so you are well ahead of me!  You are an inspiration here.  

Hi KayC - Thank you for your kindness - I don't feel ahead - I feel very behind - if I have some things in my tool bag by now (that help but don't really help) it is because I have been terrified and grieving for 10 years already, ever since he got diagnosed with this incurable cancer - I can't tell you how many times I have been standing in the cold, in the dark, sometimes in the rain, after the glaring lights of the ambulance left our driveway and he was gone to the hospital again and I followed a little later with his insulin and tears streaming down my face

It has been a long 10 years, 5 years, 2 years, 6 months, 2 months, and 3 days... got worse and worse and neither of us knew what to do

Now he is gone and I am doubled over in remorse and hindsight - if I had only loved him better, if I had only seen, he would still be here with me

Amazing Grace is a very painful song for me to hear right now - was blind and now I seehhhh

Psalm 34:18 The Lord is near to the brokenhearted and saves the crushed in spirit.

I wish I had been that close to God before and seen what I see now. I was so distracted by life's challenges and my own stress.

[KayC]

19 hours ago, Bennie Jets said:

I was so distracted by life's challenges and my own stress.

Yes, I think we all have.  Cling to that verse, sometimes I think that's all we have.  But I'm also very thankful for this forum where people can come on line any time and share their hearts.  It's not like a car forum, where you just get technical information, here people share from their souls, things they can't share with anyone else, we know each other gets it.  It helps.

I hope these articles help, I hate to see anyone carrying this load...
http://www.griefhealingblog.com/2012/03/guilt-and-regret-in-grief.html
http://www.griefhealingblog.com/2012/12/grief-and-burden-of-guilt.html
https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/supersurvivors/202006/three-ways-address-guilt-when-you-re-grieving

[Bennie Jets]

started another helpful thing:

internet YouTube videos on grief - two friends have given me counselor references but I perfer the videos for now for convenience (not having to leave the house or make an appointment), cost (free), letting my inside chose (a real counselor is another person and I would have to adjust to that person, online I can quickly switch when the content does not resonate with me or even the person's tone of voice - I think right now I need to listen to myself and a counselor may be too much of an authority figure - YouTube videos do not trump my own voice and I am not in danger of being pushed one way or the other)

maybe I will appreciate the benefit of a real person later if I can find someone I can trust and afford

[Bennie Jets]

not sure we are allowed to post links or this would be useful to anybody but just in case it is yes and yes

(669) Stephen Colbert and Anderson Cooper's beautiful conversation about grief - YouTube

(657) The Grieving Process - Dealing With Grief & Can Grief Counseling Help? - YouTube

(657) We don't "move on" from grief. We move forward with it | Nora McInerny - YouTube

(669) 5 Things About Grief No One Really Tells You - YouTube

[Dulcimer424]

What a wonderful topic.  I opened a WORD doc. called Letters to My Husband.  I write him almost every night; sometimes during the day.  It helps me feel connected to him, and it gives me a sense of having him with me.  I have been all alone since he died, pretty much in lockdown although that will change when I get my second vaccine.  I write poems to him and that feels very healing.  I have photographs throughout the house and an almost lifesized photo of his head on my desktop.  I knit him a bulky sweater a few years ago and sometimes I throw it on top of my down comforter and it feels lovely to hold on to it to get to sleep.  I am going to adopt a Maine Coon kitten in May and I know that that will help a lot, for comfort, communication, distraction.  I miss so much not having anyone to take care of.  It's shockingly difficult after 32 years to not have him here.  I appreciate reading what others are doing on their grief journey.  I do have a ton of support, all via zoom, thank God.  Spiritual support, therapeutic support, lots of friends and most importantly my work.  But the evenings and weekends are so difficult; sometimes I feel too frozen to do much of anything.  It will be 5 months  in two days and it still feels like yesterday.  I know that the pandemic has made this way way worse - being alone at home, the house and my life is filled with his absence I don't have anything to balance it.  Before the pandemic I had all kinds of amazing activities, yarn stores, knitting with friends, playing music with friends, trips all over the San Francisco Bay Area looking for art supplies, visiting, going to great shops, Farmer's Markets, all of that gone too, along with him.  No wonder I am so sad.  AND I gave up my beautiful office of 30 years to shift my work to home.  So much loss!  And going through these terrible things and not being able to share it and talk to him.  He was a very nurturing and empathetic person - my best friend!  Anyway, I am going to say goodnight and glad I joined this group.

[Missy1]

@Dulcimer424 I loved reading your post. Writing letters sounds like a beautiful way to help record and remember the many memories big and small. I am worried I will slowly  forget things as time goes by.
I wake up he is my first thought and when I got to bed my last thought. I kiss his box of ashes that I treasure every day and talk to him all day. Like many others I proudly wear my wedding rings and his ring on a chain around my neck. 
I didn’t have a life outside of us, he was my best friend and the love of my life. I want nothing more in this world, my future is with him...I feel myself dying every day hopefully I won’t live long.

[Dulcimer424]

oh gosh, what an incalculable loss for you.  I will always wear my wedding rings; because, like you, I still feel, and am, married.  Bob's ashes are in a beautiful cedar box on our living room table, with a photograph of him when he was younger and healthy, and his wedding ring.  I have a bouquet of flowers behind it which I change every week.  It is a little treasured altar.  One day soon I will move him to our bedroom which I think will be comforting and I like the idea of not staring at it all day long.  I work from my living room so it's always there and I think a break and reminder to me that life goes on.  He would have wanted me to stay engaged with life.  Now I have to figure out how to do that more. Blessings and prayers for you Missy.

[Roxeanne]

The important thing that help me is changing perspective...we are used to take for granted that life will last indefinitely, that death exists but happens to other and when inevitably happens to us is a devastating experience...

Question some stainless convictions, find another way of seeing even the most painful experience in my life the loss of my beloved soulmate, free me little by little from some heavy burdens and gives me hopes and meaning in my life.

[KayC]

10 hours ago, Dulcimer424 said:

What a wonderful topic.  I opened a WORD doc. called Letters to My Husband.

Welcome here.  I am very sorry for your loss but am glad you found this site, it helps.  I also have a doc called "Letters to George" where I can write to him.  I imagine it's huge by now, it's been 15 1/2 years for me.

I want to share an article I wrote of the things I've found helpful over the years, in the hopes something will be of help to you either now or on down the road.

TIPS TO MAKE YOUR WAY THROUGH GRIEF

There's no way to sum up how to go on in a simple easy answer, but I encourage you to read the other threads here, little by little you will learn how to make your way through this.  I do want to give you some pointers though, of some things I've learned on my journey.

• Take one day at a time.  The Bible says each day has enough trouble of it's own, I've found that to be true, so don't bite off more than you can chew.  It can be challenging enough just to tackle today.  I tell myself, I only have to get through today.  Then I get up tomorrow and do it all over again.  To think about the "rest of my life" invites anxiety.
• Don't be afraid, grief may not end but it evolves.  The intensity lessens eventually.
• Visit your doctor.  Tell them about your loss, any troubles sleeping, suicidal thoughts, anxiety attacks.  They need to know these things in order to help you through it...this is all part of grief.
• Suicidal thoughts are common in early grief.  If they're reoccurring, call a suicide hotline.  I felt that way early on, but then realized it wasn't that I wanted to die so much as I didn't want to go through what I'd have to face if I lived.  Back to taking a day at a time.  Suicide Hotline - Call 1-800-273-8255 or www.crisis textline.org or US and Canada: text 741741 UK: text 85258 | Ireland: text 50808
• Give yourself permission to smile.  It is not our grief that binds us to them, but our love, and that continues still.
• Try not to isolate too much.  
• There's a balance to reach between taking time to process our grief, and avoiding it...it's good to find that balance for yourself.  We can't keep so busy as to avoid our grief, it has a way of haunting us, finding us, and demanding we pay attention to it!  Some people set aside time every day to grieve.  I didn't have to, it searched and found me!
• Self-care is extremely important, more so than ever.  That person that would have cared for you is gone, now you're it...learn to be your own best friend, your own advocate, practice self-care.  You'll need it more than ever.
• Recognize that your doctor isn't trained in grief, find a professional grief counselor that is.  We need help finding ourselves through this maze of grief, knowing where to start, etc.  They have not only the knowledge, but the resources.
• In time, consider a grief support group.  If your friends have not been through it themselves, they may not understand what you're going through, it helps to find someone somewhere who DOES "get it". 
• Be patient, give yourself time.  There's no hurry or timetable about cleaning out belongings, etc.  They can wait, you can take a year, ten years, or never deal with it.  It's okay, it's what YOU are comfortable with that matters.  
• Know that what we are comfortable with may change from time to time.  That first couple of years I put his pictures up, took them down, up, down, depending on whether it made me feel better or worse.  Finally, they were up to stay.
• Consider a pet.  Not everyone is a pet fan, but I've found that my dog helps immensely.  It's someone to love, someone to come home to, someone happy to see me, someone that gives me a purpose...I have to come home and feed him.  Besides, they're known to relieve stress.  Well maybe not in the puppy stage when they're chewing up everything, but there's older ones to adopt if you don't relish that stage.
• Make yourself get out now and then.  You may not feel interest in anything, things that interested you before seem to feel flat now.  That's normal.  Push yourself out of your comfort zone just a wee bit now and then.  Eating out alone, going to a movie alone or church alone, all of these things are hard to do at first.  You may feel you flunked at it, cried throughout, that's okay, you did it, you tried, and eventually you get a little better at it.  If I waited until I had someone to do things with I'd be stuck at home a lot.
• Keep coming here.  We've been through it and we're all going through this together.
• Look for joy in every day.  It will be hard to find at first, but in practicing this, it will change your focus so you can embrace what IS rather than merely focusing on what ISN'T.  It teaches you to live in the present and appreciate fully.  You have lost your big joy in life, and all other small joys may seem insignificant in comparison, but rather than compare what used to be to what is, learn the ability to appreciate each and every small thing that comes your way...a rainbow, a phone call from a friend, unexpected money, a stranger smiling at you, whatever the small joy, embrace it.  It's an art that takes practice and is life changing if you continue it.
• Eventually consider volunteering.  It helps us when we're outward focused, it's a win/win.

(((hugs))) Praying for you today.

13 hours ago, Bennie Jets said:

not sure we are allowed to post links or this would be useful to anybody but just in case it is yes and yes

(669) Stephen Colbert and Anderson Cooper's beautiful conversation about grief - YouTube

(657) The Grieving Process - Dealing With Grief & Can Grief Counseling Help? - YouTube

(657) We don't "move on" from grief. We move forward with it | Nora McInerny - YouTube

(669) 5 Things About Grief No One Really Tells You - YouTube

Yes we can post links so long as not advertising or asking for $.  These are good informational videos, I've seen most of them already but good refreshers.  Along the lines of "5 Things..." https://www.huffpost.com/entry/stages-of-grief_b_4414077