Loss of Soulmate

[Jane23]

"It's lonely here and I miss your light"

My life will never be the same again. On 18 November 2020 my best friend, soulmate (literally my everything) shot himself. I miss him from the moment I open my eyes until I go to sleep. Every single day. It doesn't get easier. 

I often dream about him. Sometimes it is nightmares. Most of the nightmares are because of how I left things between us. We dated for a while, but in the 3 years we've known each other he was literally my everything. 

He was always the life of the party, always up for a challenge and my, did he love his tequila. 

The day I found out my whole world came chrashing down. Life will never be the same for me ever again. 

Sometimes it feels like things are getting better and then it hits you all over again. Somedays is easier to go through and other days I feel like I can barely keep the tears in. 

I am so sorry for anyone who has to go through a loss like this. 

Somedays I feel like I can hardly breathe. Most of the time it feels like there's an elephant sitting on my chest. 

The last few days have been one of those days. It feels so lonely without him and I cry all the time...

[KayC]

Jane, I am so sorry for your loss.  I am glad you found this site though, I don't know how people handled it back in the days when there were no forums, no computer...except families/friends lived in close proximity then and were supportive.  Covid has made all that worse.

I hope you continue to come here and read and post, doing so on my grief group saved my life when I went through it.

I want to share an article I wrote of the things I've found helpful over the years, in the hopes something will be of help to you either now or on down the road.

TIPS TO MAKE YOUR WAY THROUGH GRIEF

There's no way to sum up how to go on in a simple easy answer, but I encourage you to read the other threads here, little by little you will learn how to make your way through this.  I do want to give you some pointers though, of some things I've learned on my journey.

• Take one day at a time.  The Bible says each day has enough trouble of it's own, I've found that to be true, so don't bite off more than you can chew.  It can be challenging enough just to tackle today.  I tell myself, I only have to get through today.  Then I get up tomorrow and do it all over again.  To think about the "rest of my life" invites anxiety.
• Don't be afraid, grief may not end but it evolves.  The intensity lessens eventually.
• Visit your doctor.  Tell them about your loss, any troubles sleeping, suicidal thoughts, anxiety attacks.  They need to know these things in order to help you through it...this is all part of grief.
• Suicidal thoughts are common in early grief.  If they're reoccurring, call a suicide hotline.  I felt that way early on, but then realized it wasn't that I wanted to die so much as I didn't want to go through what I'd have to face if I lived.  Back to taking a day at a time.  Suicide Hotline - Call 1-800-273-8255 or www.crisis textline.org or US and Canada: text 741741 UK: text 85258 | Ireland: text 50808
• Give yourself permission to smile.  It is not our grief that binds us to them, but our love, and that continues still.
• Try not to isolate too much.  
• There's a balance to reach between taking time to process our grief, and avoiding it...it's good to find that balance for yourself.  We can't keep so busy as to avoid our grief, it has a way of haunting us, finding us, and demanding we pay attention to it!  Some people set aside time every day to grieve.  I didn't have to, it searched and found me!
• Self-care is extremely important, more so than ever.  That person that would have cared for you is gone, now you're it...learn to be your own best friend, your own advocate, practice self-care.  You'll need it more than ever.
• Recognize that your doctor isn't trained in grief, find a professional grief counselor that is.  We need help finding ourselves through this maze of grief, knowing where to start, etc.  They have not only the knowledge, but the resources.
• In time, consider a grief support group.  If your friends have not been through it themselves, they may not understand what you're going through, it helps to find someone somewhere who DOES "get it". 
• Be patient, give yourself time.  There's no hurry or timetable about cleaning out belongings, etc.  They can wait, you can take a year, ten years, or never deal with it.  It's okay, it's what YOU are comfortable with that matters.  
• Know that what we are comfortable with may change from time to time.  That first couple of years I put his pictures up, took them down, up, down, depending on whether it made me feel better or worse.  Finally, they were up to stay.
• Consider a pet.  Not everyone is a pet fan, but I've found that my dog helps immensely.  It's someone to love, someone to come home to, someone happy to see me, someone that gives me a purpose...I have to come home and feed him.  Besides, they're known to relieve stress.  Well maybe not in the puppy stage when they're chewing up everything, but there's older ones to adopt if you don't relish that stage.
• Make yourself get out now and then.  You may not feel interest in anything, things that interested you before seem to feel flat now.  That's normal.  Push yourself out of your comfort zone just a wee bit now and then.  Eating out alone, going to a movie alone or church alone, all of these things are hard to do at first.  You may feel you flunked at it, cried throughout, that's okay, you did it, you tried, and eventually you get a little better at it.  If I waited until I had someone to do things with I'd be stuck at home a lot.
• Keep coming here.  We've been through it and we're all going through this together.
• Look for joy in every day.  It will be hard to find at first, but in practicing this, it will change your focus so you can embrace what IS rather than merely focusing on what ISN'T.  It teaches you to live in the present and appreciate fully.  You have lost your big joy in life, and all other small joys may seem insignificant in comparison, but rather than compare what used to be to what is, learn the ability to appreciate each and every small thing that comes your way...a rainbow, a phone call from a friend, unexpected money, a stranger smiling at you, whatever the small joy, embrace it.  It's an art that takes practice and is life changing if you continue it.
• Eventually consider volunteering.  It helps us when we're outward focused, it's a win/win.

(((hugs))) Praying for you today.

[ScotJ65]

Hi Jane23

I also lost my partner in November. It was Huntingdon's disease and her decline was rapid. It was almost too unbearable to watch. My heart is breaking. Always remember that whatever you're going through there are others feeling the same way. And never be afraid to reach out for support. You may not think it now, but you will get through this. One day at a time.

[Gail 8588]

Jane23,

I am so sorry for your loss.  Coping with the death of your true love is so incredibly hard. Our brains try to make sense of our shattered world, but there is no way to make the pieces fit together. Grief is filled with anger and dispair, guilt and sorrow, confusion and fear.  All of us here are struggling with this terrible loss.  We are sorry you have reason to join us but we are glad you have found this forum. There is some comfort in knowing you are not alone. 

Come and post as you feel able. Rant, cry, question, or just read posts of other people's struggles. We will provide what help or insight we may have, but for each of us the journey is unique due to our specific circumstances. 

In the early months it is often too overwhelming to try to figure out the future. Try to focus on just what you need to do to get through today. One day at a time is challenge enough.

Gail 

[Dawn Wms]

I know that feeling of not being able to breathe.  This is just the hardest thing in the world.  I wish I could tell you something that would make it better, but I haven't found anything like for myself yet.  Just know we are out there, and we know the feeling.

[steveb]

Jane, I too am very sorry for your loss.  This site has been so beneficial to me in getting through each day. We are all kindred spirits here that understand each other’s pain and suffering.  God bless you, Steve.