It’s all just too much, his family won’t listen

[Rashell]

I went completely MIA for a little while because there was just too much to handle. I am coming up onto a month since my partner was murdered, and his body has still not been put to rest, as well as his family has been absolutely awful to me and cut me out of everything, and have completely disregarded every last one of his wishes. Wishes that he made me promise him I would make sure were fulfilled.... but there’s nothing I can do. I feel like I am completely and absolutely failing him, but at the same time I know there’s nothing I can do about it. I’m hoping I might be understood a little better here- because people have been telling me I need to “let all these things go” because “he’s dead and isn’t coming back”....

Firstly, I’m sure some of you might remember, within 12 hours of him passing, his family came to our house and kicked me out, cleared out our entire room- our bed, our clothes (mine and his), our toothbrushes, even our shower head- and also took our dog. I have not one thing left of his or ours or any physical symbol of our life together. His family had told me they were going to sell everything, and his sister promised me she would let me buy anything they were gonna sell- that obviously did not happen. Then, his brother told me he would let me buy his car from them, because (as all his friends have explained to them) that car was always meant to go to me. He had planned to give it to me for Christmas, because he was getting a new car and since that car was SUPER special to me for many reasons (all the time he put into customizing it, the fact that he got that car because it was the same as my very first car- who my first awful abusive ex had stolen and crashed, completely totaled it- and I missed that car a lot since it was my first purchase when I turned 18) he wanted to make sure I got to keep it. I talked him out of giving it to me for Christmas because he was trying to rush into buying a new car by then, and I told him there was no rush, it wasn’t going anywhere and we can take our time getting a new one. Of course, he passed only a few days later. So, his brother told me they would sell it to me (I was not asking them to give it to me at all, I always asked if I could buy it because I didn’t “only want his things”- that car was just very important to me and him. I also wanted to help them with funeral costs so it seemed like that would be a good way, and I offered to pay way more than my partner had bought it for and way more than they could sell it to anyone else for.) but his family ended up changing their mind because “We don’t  know what your relationship really was or if you were really that close to him.” Despite every single person my partner was close with explaining to them what my partner wanted, and how close we are. Then they basically said they think I’m some random girl only after his things. They also said that they haven’t put his body to rest yet because they want to “raise more money first” (they started a fundraising campaign with the goal being $35k, and have only raised about $15k) I told them I have a good amount of money set aside for them, enough to cover all costs and help them out with anything they need, and they won’t take any money from me. I’m not sure why they won’t accept this money, I know my partner would want them to be taken care of and not have to worry about anything, so I really want to make sure that happens. He also would not want them fundraising money as we had enough for everything to be taken care of, and he was the person that helped people and would not want other people giving them their money when they don’t need it, and knew that I could take care of them if anything happened. I just want to GIVE them money! I don’t understand at all how that could be a bad thing or why they won’t take it, if money is what they need to put him to rest. I’m thinking maybe if I give them money, to them it would mean I actually did and do care about him and that doesn’t fit the narrative they have in their head about me. They also had promised me I would be allowed at his viewing, which was obviously super important to me, then told me a week after that they had already done it and it was “family only.” Anyone that knew my partner KNEW who he considered his family- and it was me, our other roommate, and our dog. THAT was his real family who spent every single day with him, who actually cared about him every single day. The “family only” that was allowed to do all these things, he hasn’t been close with and has barely seen in years. He always told me, “If the world was ending right now, I would want to be right here at home, in bed with my family- just me, you and Saint (our dog). That’s all that matters.” Now my world has ended and they took him away from me, they took Saint away from me, and they even took our bed. My family has been taken away, and there is nothing left to hold on to. 

Now all the material things I could’ve let go of. It sucks, but there’s more important things. Here’s the things that get me- they texted me the other day saying, “His funeral will be held on February 20th (this will be 2 months after his passing) but unfortunately you will not be allowed at his funeral as it will be family only, but we can tell you where we bury him so you can go visit him.” BURY him. I told them so many times, I know you guys wanna bury him, but he wanted to be cremated, it was the most important thing to him, he NEVER wanted to be buried, he has very strong beliefs on it. Finding out they are going to bury him anyways was like losing him again (maybe that’s being dramatic). I am at a loss, he made me PROMISE him, no matter what his parents try to do, make sure he is never buried. He always told me, “If anything ever happens, my parents will want to do a proper burial- please don’t ever let them put me in the ground.” Of course, we both thought we would be married by the time anything happened and I would have a say in what happens, but we didn’t have enough time. I feel so awful. Thinking about it makes me physically sick. All his other wishes about his material things were not respected, and I figured as long as I could make sure this one thing happened, it would be okay. He would be at rest. He believed that when you pass, your soul will stay wherever your body is, and he wanted his ashes spread as many places as possible and all of his friends and family get some of his ashes to keep with them so he would stay with them. He said he doesn’t want to spend the rest of eternity in a graveyard. Now, I don’t believe that, and I actually don’t like the idea of cremation at all and told him that all the time, but I promised him I would do whatever he wanted, and now it’s the most important thing to me. I hate this. I hate that they are disrespecting every one of his wishes, and I hate that there is nothing I can do about it. I was already kicked out of my home, had my dog taken away from me and told I could not visit him and will never see him again, had every single thing from our life together taken away, can’t even sleep in the bed that me and him bought together and spent the last year in every single day, since we couldn’t go anywhere because of the pandemic. And the only thing that truly mattered to me was that that ONE wish, basically his final wish, be respected. Them doing all these other things does not bother me as much- because I know, and I know he knows, who his real family is, and someone saying “family only” and banning me from his funeral doesn’t change that I AM his family. But burying him when he wanted to be cremated is wrong on so many levels. The only things that matter to me now- getting our dog back, and him being cremated- will never happen. Those are the only things that would give me any type of closure. I want our baby back, I promised him I would always take care of him, and they took our baby. They took him from his last remaining owner (me), from the only home he’s ever known, to leave him in their backyard. I don’t understand any of it.

I really just needed to talk about this to people that will more than likely understand. I’m sick of being told to let it go. I CANT let it go- it’s all I have left. Now I just feel so awful. I don’t think he would be mad at me, and I think he would understand that there’s nothing I could do, but that doesn’t change the fact that I am still failing him and everything he asked me to do.

[KayC]

2 hours ago, Rashell said:

his family has been absolutely awful to me and cut me out of everything, and have completely disregarded every last one of his wishes. Wishes that he made me promise him I would make sure were fulfilled.... but there’s nothing I can do. I feel like I am completely and absolutely failing him

I understand your feeling that way, I think a lot of us have those feelings even with different circumstances, because the one thing we wanted was to save their lives and we weren't able to.  I do feel he would understand and there's nothing to forgive of you, but what he'd feel towards his family...that's another story.  I am so sorry they are being so awful.  I'm glad I was able to plan George's funeral as his family was so uncaring, it amazes me.  Haven't heard from them since except his daughter occasionally on FB.

I do not understand that family not accepting financial help or considering his wishes and disregarding what he'd already told them about your relationship!  There is no understanding some people, they are beyond reason...perhaps it's grief talking, one can never know what is going through their heads.  I'm so sorry.  We are here with you and support you in your tremendous loss.

[Rashell]

Thank you KayC. I started trying out some different support groups that offer weekly zoom sessions, and a lot of the people (mostly in the groups for general loss, not specific to a partner) have said some very hurtful things when I talked about all of this. Of course part of me feels like I am going crazy, and I just needed some sort of validation from others with similar experiences that what his family is doing is not right, and ended up being questioned (someone even asked if we really were as close as I make it out to seem, saying “Why would his family do this if you really were THAT close to him?”) and was told by several people that I need to “back off.” I wanna be clear that I haven’t expressed any of my frustrations towards them, I just told them his wishes and how important certain things were to him, and assumed they would respect them, and when they didn’t respect them I had to choose to ignore it- as I know I won’t change their minds and anything I say or do will only give them more resentment towards me. I also would never badger my partners family who is also grieving, as that is still his family and since I care about him I automatically care about them- no matter how close he was (or should I say wasn't) with them- I can’t say the same for what they are doing to me. No matter how many times I explain to people I have never said any of the things I talk about in these groups to his family, or even mentioned to them what they are doing is wrong on so many levels, and I just needed to vent about it to people who I thought would understand, they assume I had to have done SOMETHING to them to make them act like this. I do have one lovely group that meets once a month through zoom who have been very kind and understanding, but this forum has been by far the most understanding. I left all the other groups that were saying these awful things- not people I would like to be apart of my journey! One even went into detail about how I shouldn’t care what his wishes WERE because he is dead and never coming back and I just need to accept it and move on, and I need to let the people that are still living grieve the way they need to. Am I not a living person that also needs to grieve? And also the most important person in his life as he was in mine, I think I should be included as one of the living people that should be allowed to grieve him properly! Which for me, includes respecting ALL his wishes. I think I have the right to be angry with his family, even though I completely understand they are going through their own journey with the grief of losing him, I just wish they could be understanding to me and mine. Hopefully one day they may come around, but it won’t change what they are doing now. I really appreciate you and this group as a whole, everyone has been very understanding and supportive! 

 

(I think I am just rambling here, but after keeping a lot of this to myself for so long, I have a lot to get off my chest)

[Gail 8588]

Rashell, 

I am so sorry that his family is being so cruel to you.  I don't understand why people choose to be cruel but some clearly do. Perhaps they want to feel in control and the only way they can feel that way is by treating you so badly. 

Your love will understand that you did all that you could to honor his wishes. I am sure he sees you now in this torment and wishes he could ease your pain. 

I don't know if this will help you, but if you can find some bit of him, hair in a hair brush he used, whiskers from an electric razor or beard trimmer, or perhaps just a handwritten note.  If you can locate a personal item like that and  have a little private ceremony to burn it and put those ashes in a keepsake, you can honor his wish to have a bit of him with you always. 

Just a thought. 

Hugs

Gail

[foreverhis]

It makes me so angry when I hear about families like this.  They are cruel and intentionally adding to your pain.

I'm going to ask a few practical questions.  The house:  Does it belong to him or to them?  If not and if you were on a lease or similar agreement, they have no legal right to kick you out.  Even if it belonged to him or to them, if you were paying rent, utilities, or maintenance, you have legal rights as a tenant. Possessions:  Were all the belongings they took his, did you buy them together, were some yours before you got together?  Again, if anything belonged to you or was bought by the two of you, they have no legal right to take them.  Also, your sweet dog:  Did the two of you get/buy him together?  If so, he is now yours, period.  It's possible they are counting on you being so upset, confused, and in grief that you won't question their right to take belongings that are rightfully yours.

Things like the car or his personal belongings, of course, you can't do anything about that.  But your possessions and things you bought together are yours by legal right.  Please, see if you can get support from your true friends and any family (if possible) and confront his family, especially about your dog.  A consultation with a lawyer may even be in order.  A simple demand letter often does the trick because it lets people know you are serious and are enforcing your legal rights.

If it were me, I'd stop offering them any money.  Save it for now and maybe later, when you're a little stronger, use some to create a personal memorial of him for yourself.

Believe me, I am not trying to minimize the agony you're experiencing now.  I wish I had a magic wand that could help you through these first months and weeks.  But I don't want you to give up on getting back at least some of the things that belong to you.  I mean, they even took the bed the two of you shared, so clearly they know that he considered you family.  I know you have little reserve of energy, mental or physical, but try to keep in mind that you are not just fighting for "things," you are fighting for the love the two of you shared.

((HUGS))

[Rashell]

17 hours ago, Gail 8588 said:

I don't know if this will help you, but if you can find some bit of him, hair in a hair brush he used, whiskers from an electric razor or beard trimmer, or perhaps just a handwritten note.  If you can locate a personal item like that and  have a little private ceremony to burn it and put those ashes in a keepsake, you can honor his wish to have a bit of him with you always. 

This is such a wonderful idea and thank you so much for sharing! Unfortunately, since his parents took every single thing we owned, I have nothing like that, and nothing I can spare. I slipped the promise ring I had given him in my pocket before the police showed up, and his roommate hid 2 of his dirty under shirts for me, and that is all I have. I did find one strand of his hair on the shirt, and 2 of his eyelashes (which I could spot anywhere, they were 4x longer than mine!) which I put in a little plastic bag (I probably would seem really weird for this to anyone who hasn’t gone through something like this, and maybe I still seem a little weird!) And I can’t part with any of those things to burn, but I SO wish I had something I could do that with, as this is such a lovely idea.

10 hours ago, foreverhis said:

I'm going to ask a few practical questions.  The house:  Does it belong to him or to them?  If not and if you were on a lease or similar agreement, they have no legal right to kick you out.  Even if it belonged to him or to them, if you were paying rent, utilities, or maintenance, you have legal rights as a tenant. Possessions:  Were all the belongings they took his, did you buy them together, were some yours before you got together?  Again, if anything belonged to you or was bought by the two of you, they have no legal right to take them.  Also, your sweet dog:  Did the two of you get/buy him together?  If so, he is now yours, period.  It's possible they are counting on you being so upset, confused, and in grief that you won't question their right to take belongings that are rightfully yours.

I’m gonna try to answer as best as I can without being too confusing- as some of it was and still is confusing to me.

For the house, he rented it, it was only him and our roommate on the lease. Some of the bills were in my name, but I need to explain things a little better. When I say they “kicked me out” I probably need to clarify exactly what happened: The police came and made me leave our room, and sealed it up until his parents could come and collect his things. The police told me I can go back in when they finished collecting his things, and I needed to leave all my stuff there, as nothing could be removed from the room until his parents got there. So, I left everything in our room thinking I would be able to go back, and also thinking they were coming to get things like his jewelry, his clothes, and things that meant something to them- and that most of the other things would be left there. Then, his parents asked me to leave the house while they were there because they were bringing his highschool ex girlfriend (who his parents remained really close to) and they didn’t want HER to have to deal with ME being there. (This is a girl he hasn’t talked to in over 6 years, treated him like crap, and just caused a lot of problems in his life) So, I left the house while they came to be respectful. I’m close with our roommate and he told me he wanted to make sure I knew he still wanted me to live there and would let me know when they leave, and I wasn’t being permanently kicked out since he is on the lease and my partners parents can’t do anything about that. When I came back 2 days later, the room was stripped BARE. Not one thing was left in there, it looked the way it did when we moved in. Our roommate still wanted me to come back and we would just get new stuff for what would now be MY room, but I can’t do that. I can’t live in a room that was once ours, that used to have all of our things in it, that has so many memories, but would now only be MY room, with things that are only mine, with a new bed we’ve never slept in together. I know that would be emotional torture for me. So, technically I wasn’t “kicked out” permanently, but there’s no way I can put myself through that. Everything that belonged to us, him, or me before he passed, is gone. So technically I wasn’t legally “kicked out”, but that’s the way it feels since there’s no way I could be there like that. (Atleast not right now, I may change my mind, but when I saw the room bare it was like being punched in the gut. And imagining setting up a new room in the home we once shared together, all by myself, just makes everything hurt worse.

And since all of our belongings were in “his” room when it was sealed up, the police told me that anything his parents took from the room are all considered his, I legally can’t do anything and his parents can take anything they want from “his” room (since I wasn’t on the lease, legally it’s “his” room and nothing in it could be considered mine, even if it is). (However, they did not tell me this when they were making me leave the room that day, and making leave all my things- and it’s really messed up that they MADE me leave everything there and told me I could get them once his parents left, leaving out the fact that if his parents decided to take everything, they could.) Now, I could possibly talk to a lawyer and maybe it would be different, but it’s not important enough to me to put myself and his parents through that. I’m just holding on to hope that over time they may change their minds, and I can get a couple things back.

Now for the dog. This is the part that really upsets me as it’s basically my fault that I have no legal rights. On all paperwork, I am listed as his co-owner. I have vet bills that I paid for in my name, I have tons of stuff proving that he was both mine and my partners dog. Normally, this would mean I could legally get him back- BUT, I decided a few months ago it would be a good idea to register our dog as my partners service animal, in case we ever wanted to travel with him, or if the apartments decided they didn’t want us having a dog- I just wanted to play it safe (this statement is laughable now). So I registered him as my partners service dog (and I did all this, I found an online service, I filled out the paperwork, I uploaded all his documents, and then I told my partner to sign it). Because I did this, that made him my partners “possession”. No matter what paperwork I have saying I am his co-owner and I took care of him, once an animal is a registered ESA they can only have one legal owner, which was my partner. I’m so upset with myself for this, but I never could’ve guessed anything like this would happen.

 

Thank you for your response, and ironically enough the only thing I have a chance at getting back IS his car. His parents actually offered the car to a few of his friends (none of which would buy it as they knew it was meant to go to me), however one of his friends that is close to his parents reached out and told me he would use my money to buy it and then give it to me. I am also hoping this may happen with a few of his other things, such as his clothes, as they are selling most of his stuff and asking his friends if they want to buy them before they sell them to random people, so I’m hoping some of his friends will get some stuff for me as well. Unfortunately, the most important things (our dog, our bed, the note I had written him 2 years ago that he kept with him at all times so I was “always with him”) won’t be things I can get back, but a few of his shirts as a “consolation prize” will at least give me something to hold on to.

[SDC]

Rashell, I'm so sorry his family is being cruel to you. Their behavior is unforgivable. 

I know it's hard, but try to acknowledge that your love knows you are doing your best. You can't control his family. You can't force people to do better or be better. Since you weren't married and since he didn't have his wishes in writing you have no legal recourse. Don't beat yourself up for what is out of your hands. You aren't letting him down because there is nothing you can do. I know it's hard to rationally believe that now, but try to remind yourself of that as often as you can. 

 

Focus on yourself. Get support. I suggest therapy any way you can find it. It's traumatic to lose a loved one to violence--I can't imagine--and his family's behavior is secondary trauma. It's great that you're venting here and keep doing it. But also find someone you can talk to regularly. It's important to vocalize all you're feeling, get it out, and have your feelings validated by another voice. 

[KayC]

On 1/31/2021 at 7:50 AM, Rashell said:

I think I have the right to be angry with his family

Absolutely!  You are entitled to your feelings and I'm afraid in this case, they've earned your feeling as you do.  Yes, I too wish they'd be understanding but we can't make people what they're not, as SDC says, I hope you can focus on yourself and not them, and get support/therapy for YOU.  You did not cause this situation to go as it did and I do not for the life of me understand why someone in a support group would come down on you or judge your feelings!  That is so wrong of them on every level, jmo but I've listened to grievers, and grief counselors and read articles & books for 15 1/2 years, I neither understand or agree with their assessment, I am sorry that has been your experience on top of your loss.    You have us here.

[borbzgirl]

Wow. I'm just completely speechless... How horrible....

My boyfriend had a customized motorcycle that I have contemplated offering to buy from his family (because I'm concerned they might sell it, and I don't want it to go anywhere else because he loved that motorcycle and was so excited while he was fixing it up, and so proud of the awesome restoration work he had done on it when it was finished, he intended to sell it after the restoration but he changed his mind because he ended up loving it so much. He said he was going to give it to me, but I said I don't know how to drive a motorcycle so it's just going to be "ours"). Now that he has passed, I keep thinking about his motorcycle. I don't want his family to sell it (although I don't know if that's what they're planning). I've been thinking about asking, and saying that if they do want to sell it, that I'll buy it and just have them keep it for the mean time (I don't know how to drive it & I'm afraid it would just wither away if I kept it but never used it). At the same time, I don't really have the budget to buy it, but I was thinking I was going to use up all my salary or something like that. But to spend so much on something I will never use just makes me hesitate, considering that it's money I can't really afford. But at the same time, I don't want it to go to random people...

I had asked his sister for a shirt of his to be kept aside for me, and she said she will... At least, I will have that...

My boyfriend was cremated the same day he died. No funeral. Makes me sad, but his family wanted it that way. They're not horrible or anything though... I was speaking to his dad and he told me so many funny stories about my boyfriend when he was a kid, I enjoyed that conversation because his dad talks like him, they sound so alike.... I enjoyed that conversation even though I was sobbing through it.

 

I can't imagine the hell you must be going through, and I have no comforting words to offer.... I cannot put myself in your shoes because I don't want to imagine a pain worse than what I'm feeling right now... But yes, definitely get your friends to buy his shirts, etc., and I might even suggest the roommate try to adopt the dog. Maybe, they don't really want to take care of him & might allow the roomate to have it (or anyone of his friends). Then you can take the dog from them.