Anger at my husband over unresolved issues before he died

[AnnRA]

 

• Members
•  13
• 5 posts
• LocationWellington, New Zealand
• Loss Type:husband died suddenly
• Angel Date:7 Nov,202

It is nearly 3 months since my husband died suddenly, and I have been hit hard today with some real ANGER about unresolved issues in our marriage.  I am being flooded with memories of all the times he was unsympathetic, did not support my ideas, was disconnected from me....

The truth is that I OFTEN FELT ALONE in our marriage (28 years), but then we had some wonderful times of closeness, and a real life together.  He was a truly good man.   

Some of this today has been brought on by news that he had told his brother of changes he wished in his will, that would have benefitted his only daughter.  We met in our 40’s and did not have children.  He always doted on his daughter and I knew that from the beginning. The will changes are mostly not going to happen, according to the executor, but it just brought up in me all this ANGER about where I truly stood in this relationship.   

I REALLY REALLY want to move on in my life! To remember the good times and not look back anymore!  Mostly, I want to have a go at him right now and get some explanations, but of course I cannot do that!    

How in the world can I resolve this, when I JUST WANT TO TALK WITH HIM AGAIN .....and I cannot ever do that now......

[Bennie Jets]

I am so sorry for your loss as well as the anger you have now. It is such a hard situation to be in.

I can think of four ways to get some resolution,but they may not suit you...

1. Take a stack of empty printer paper and a pen and start writing - say what bothers you and, if you can, what he may have said back to you, if that is not coming from your memory, just keep clarifying in your mind what happened and what you think about it and what you would have needed to be said or done to be heard and valued. Explore different ideas of how bad this really was or could have been and ideas of how this may have been innocent and not directed at you at all if you see it from a different light maybe. What would other people say about it? How would your best friend or your family, who puts you first, see it?

2. Could you talk to his family and see what they think went on in his head and talk this over with them, including how you feel about it? Would that make you feel better?

3. Talk to a counselor if you can find one you find trustworthy and affordable.

4. Share more information on this forum, if you feel like it can be known by the public, and see if you get someone with a similar story to give some insights.

Anger is a natural reaction when someone crossed your boundaries and hurt you in any way. Sometimes the anger comes from a memory of the past where we've been hurt. Is your anger because of this event or did it get triggered because it reminds you of something else in your life? If the latter, you may be able to tackle that issues if it still exists.

Just some ideas, not sure it may help.

 

 

 

[widower2]

For what it's worth:  

 

I can relate to what you are saying. My beloved had things that angered me about her too, including being way overly favorable to family that didn't deserve it to say the least. It nearly broke us apart. And I wish we'd talked about it more when we could, but we didn't, and that's on both of us. I've beat myself up about it more than once and also had resentment about it to her. There's no quick fix or perfect solution here, I would only suggest you accept that they had their flaws and as exasperating as they could be, doesn't mean they still weren't great overall and that you weren't lucky to have each other on the whole...and not to pretend or forget those flaws didn't exist, just try to focus more on the wonderful qualities they had.

 

[KayC]

At Bennie Jets, thank you for your kind post!  And AnnRA I am so sorry for all you're going through.

I want to share an article I wrote of the things I've found helpful over the years, in the hopes something will be of help to you either now or on down the road.

TIPS TO MAKE YOUR WAY THROUGH GRIEF

There's no way to sum up how to go on in a simple easy answer, but I encourage you to read the other threads here, little by little you will learn how to make your way through this.  I do want to give you some pointers though, of some things I've learned on my journey.

• Take one day at a time.  The Bible says each day has enough trouble of it's own, I've found that to be true, so don't bite off more than you can chew.  It can be challenging enough just to tackle today.  I tell myself, I only have to get through today.  Then I get up tomorrow and do it all over again.  To think about the "rest of my life" invites anxiety.
• Don't be afraid, grief may not end but it evolves.  The intensity lessens eventually.
• Visit your doctor.  Tell them about your loss, any troubles sleeping, suicidal thoughts, anxiety attacks.  They need to know these things in order to help you through it...this is all part of grief.
• Suicidal thoughts are common in early grief.  If they're reoccurring, call a suicide hotline.  I felt that way early on, but then realized it wasn't that I wanted to die so much as I didn't want to go through what I'd have to face if I lived.  Back to taking a day at a time.  Suicide Hotline - Call 1-800-273-8255 or www.crisis textline.org or US and Canada: text 741741 UK: text 85258 | Ireland: text 50808
• Give yourself permission to smile.  It is not our grief that binds us to them, but our love, and that continues still.
• Try not to isolate too much.  
• There's a balance to reach between taking time to process our grief, and avoiding it...it's good to find that balance for yourself.  We can't keep so busy as to avoid our grief, it has a way of haunting us, finding us, and demanding we pay attention to it!  Some people set aside time every day to grieve.  I didn't have to, it searched and found me!
• Self-care is extremely important, more so than ever.  That person that would have cared for you is gone, now you're it...learn to be your own best friend, your own advocate, practice self-care.  You'll need it more than ever.
• Recognize that your doctor isn't trained in grief, find a professional grief counselor that is.  We need help finding ourselves through this maze of grief, knowing where to start, etc.  They have not only the knowledge, but the resources.
• In time, consider a grief support group.  If your friends have not been through it themselves, they may not understand what you're going through, it helps to find someone somewhere who DOES "get it". 
• Be patient, give yourself time.  There's no hurry or timetable about cleaning out belongings, etc.  They can wait, you can take a year, ten years, or never deal with it.  It's okay, it's what YOU are comfortable with that matters.  
• Know that what we are comfortable with may change from time to time.  That first couple of years I put his pictures up, took them down, up, down, depending on whether it made me feel better or worse.  Finally, they were up to stay.
• Consider a pet.  Not everyone is a pet fan, but I've found that my dog helps immensely.  It's someone to love, someone to come home to, someone happy to see me, someone that gives me a purpose...I have to come home and feed him.  Besides, they're known to relieve stress.  Well maybe not in the puppy stage when they're chewing up everything, but there's older ones to adopt if you don't relish that stage.
• Make yourself get out now and then.  You may not feel interest in anything, things that interested you before seem to feel flat now.  That's normal.  Push yourself out of your comfort zone just a wee bit now and then.  Eating out alone, going to a movie alone or church alone, all of these things are hard to do at first.  You may feel you flunked at it, cried throughout, that's okay, you did it, you tried, and eventually you get a little better at it.  If I waited until I had someone to do things with I'd be stuck at home a lot.
• Keep coming here.  We've been through it and we're all going through this together.
• Look for joy in every day.  It will be hard to find at first, but in practicing this, it will change your focus so you can embrace what IS rather than merely focusing on what ISN'T.  It teaches you to live in the present and appreciate fully.  You have lost your big joy in life, and all other small joys may seem insignificant in comparison, but rather than compare what used to be to what is, learn the ability to appreciate each and every small thing that comes your way...a rainbow, a phone call from a friend, unexpected money, a stranger smiling at you, whatever the small joy, embrace it.  It's an art that takes practice and is life changing if you continue it.
• Eventually consider volunteering.  It helps us when we're outward focused, it's a win/win.

(((hugs))) Praying for you today.

[jmmosley53]

19 hours ago, AnnRA said:

but it just brought up in me all this ANGER about where I truly stood in this relationship.   

Hello AnnRA,

I am sorry for your loss.

This is just my opinion as an outsider looking in but:

He picked you!  Of all the women in the world he chose to be with you.  

Sure he loved and doted on his daughter - fathers are supposed to love their children, but the love for you is from a totally different part of his heart and mind.

I can think of lots of reasons he might have for considering a change in his will.  But he didn't do it.  You are angry at him for thinking about doing something.

I am not saying you shouldn't be angry.  You feel what you feel. 

As was mentioned above writing letter might be very therapeutic.  But instead of you writing to him, write what he would tell you.  I did this and it resolved a few things for me.

 

[SDC]

I'm sorry you're stuck in your head with unpleasant thoughts and anger. I ruminate when stressed & have done a lot of it since my person died (April 2020). I cope with unwanted thoughts by making myself do something that involves movement--cooking, cleaning, laundry, whatever busyness I can find that requires I move. Doing so makes me shift focus from being all in my head into using my body to complete a task.

 

Even more importantly for me, I also write my thoughts on paper and speak them aloud, even if it's to myself. I do both repeatedly--sometimes filling notebooks with pages of the same stuff. Putting thoughts on paper or saying them gets them out of your head. 

I also want to validate that what you're feeling is normal. When our person dies we relive the entirety of our relationship---the good, hard, unspoken, beautiful, painful, etc. Things that weren't resolved/expressed come to the forefront and feel intense because you know there's no resolving them with/expressing them to your partner now.  Don't beat yourself up. Thoughts--like everything else--are not static. You'll cycle through this unpleasant phase of ruminating on things that make you angry. I'm a believer that we have to go through crap to over it--if you don't acknowledge your anger now and just be with it (no matter how miserable it makes you) it will remain with you.