Four Years Later

[TAM1]

This coming week on January 31^st, it will have been four years since Len passed away. I have made and am making my life what I want it to be – we can do that for ourselves.  It’s necessary after any great loss or change and it can take years to balance out and “get there” as we reach milestones.  The last few weeks I’ve had nightmares; deep, grieving depression; and have questioned everything in my life, even the silent God I was taught since birth to believe so much in and about.  Silent, just as the many Buddhas and other statues bought or given to me as gifts that grace my place.  Friendships changed, some were lost, and treasured long-time ones are richer.  Family bonds have grown ever stronger and more loving.

I’ll turn 65 this summer and began working on a 10-year plan the last few years and admittedly, 2020 was a massive hiccup. No matter what comes out that gate in 2021 or on, I’ve begun pushing it back or summoning whatever I have to kick ass, do it well, and not be trifled with.  I’m making life what I want it to be which requires clarity, keen, positive focus and hard work to bring in what works for my life now – not 40+ years ago of epically poor judgment and behavior that were hurtful to my life and the lives of others.

One does not forget 20 years of living with someone and there is so much I still miss, and I believe I will miss these forever. 

[Perro J]

Thank you for your post. I am at 6 months - and I want the focus and clarity you mention back. I still have sadness and brain fog and I am frustrated that I can't get my mental agility back. I am finding it hard to complete tasks. Is there any guidance you have, anything that you did, that helped restore that? I feel very stuck and wonder if it will just be like this from here on out.

[KayC]

Teresa, it's good to see you here again...I fully relate to this last year being full of hiccups, to put it mildly.  I admire the way you march forward in the face of it.  I kind of feel I'm teetering on a precipice this morning, not very inspiring.  I hope this coming year will yield less hiccups and more success with our personal goals, even if it seems out of reach right now.  You're only five years younger than me as I turn 69 this year, God that sounds old!    But we're both survivors, I think we all are here, even when we don't feel it..

[SDC]

Thank you for sharing and cheers to your progress. I'm 9 months into my loss and still struggling to focus and concentrate. It's good to be reminded that time does help; as trite as that saying sounds when grieving. An aside--your girl Missy was beautiful! 

[Dawn Wms]

I am also approaching 9 months since my world crashed.  I went back to work after 4, but I am nowhere near as sharp and focused or as organized as I was before.  I am managing, but I don't feel like I'm doing a good job at all.  And some days, I don't manage.  I have to take sick-leave.  But I have to say, I just don't care.  My loss has put everything else in perspective.  I do what I can and if anyone has a problem with it not being enough, I just say sorry.  But the truth is, I haven't had anyone complain beyond a small snarky comment back in September.  I haven't reached the point yet of wanting to recreate my life.  I'm still at just trying to survive when I'd really rather just die.  I admire people who do thrive in widowhood, but I still can't even feel the desire in myself to do so.  I want to live a good life to honor my husband, but I just don't know if I have the strength.

[TAM1]

I came to this group after losing Len and shared quite a lot and there are those who have been with me all the way - like KayC.  It's very difficult to focus the first year or so while processing the loss and grief. In the middle of this I kept commuting, working, going home to Missy, handling the estate, moving out of my home of 20 years, 5 months after Len's passing. I was thankful to find an apartment that took Missy and we managed our new life there and I paid people to take care of her when I was not home. It seemed too soon when she passed and I held steady for another year and found the place I live now. 

As to focus - grief tears the mind and soul and there is no way around that. There was nothing kind about the first few years and insulating myself, protecting myself and being kind to myself was key. And there were times when I just wanted to die to where suicide was pressing, and I posted about that also - and found material to read at night to help my floundering self and those few printed materials were things I'd go back to and they are in a binder next to me now. It's important to work towards living for yourself and the life you have, especially if you have pets or others depending on you. I sleep with Missy's stuffed bear that she carried around and slobbered on - four years out and I don't apologize. 

Just got home and it's good to respond to others and help them somehow. Be kind to yourselves, most importantly.  Not everyone is kind after a loss and sometimes downright inconsiderate and those people never came back. Many people are not around now - they disappear from our lives the first few years. So, being your best friend is important. And keep coming to this site because there are folks here who have all experienced the same thing. 

 

[Dawn Wms]

I just don't know how people survive losing their one and only love.  I don't want to live without him.  I don't know how to do this.

[KayC]

13 hours ago, Dawn Wms said:

I don't know how to do this

One day at a time.  It's the only way I know, I still practice it.

Teresa, thank you for sharing, it does help to see others that experienced the same things that are now showing even a minute amount of improvement.  I know it's never easy and never over.  Love you!