Members jmmosley53 Posted January 21, 2021 Members Report Posted January 21, 2021 I was having a particularly bad day and a question came to mind. People have been losing their spouses since there were people. How can it be that I am so lost, so unprepared, so unaware? How did they cope in the old days. Why isn't going through loss a class in school. How did I get to be 67 years old and never noticed that every day people were losing their spouses and I never knew the pain and misery they were going through? Why aren't doctors taught how to help people coping with loss. Everyone acts like this is the 1st death in the world and they don't have words to give comfort. I should not have grown to adulthood being unprepared. I know taking classes would not erase the pain and loneliness I feel, but it could have better prepared me with coping tools, mountains of statistics and medical facts so I would not feel so isolated in my grief. People in general need to start talking about death. Death should not be a topic avoided at all cost. I think having a greater awareness of the pain and sense of loss one feels when a death has occurred would make the loss feel, more like a natural part of life.
Members LMR Posted January 21, 2021 Members Report Posted January 21, 2021 3 hours ago, jmmosley53 said: Everyone acts like this is the 1st death in the world and they don't have words to give comfort. It has always felt to me like the first death I ever heard of. Like I had no idea what it meant.
Moderators KayC Posted January 21, 2021 Moderators Report Posted January 21, 2021 3 hours ago, jmmosley53 said: How did they cope in the old days They wore black for a year, people didn't expect them to be "fine." People brought food, and checked on them. I'm sure they carried much of it inside. We are ill prepared as a society. Our culture has changed since the 1800s, we are more spread out so less familial cohesiveness. Throw Covid in the mix and we don't have the support we once might have. Our society has sped up, faster, while sprawled out in proximity, more is expected from us at a time we can least do it, thus adding to our dilemma. In my case all of our friends disappeared overnight. Most were in their 40s, untouched by death. But even some in their 60s, also untouched by death at that time. I don't think responses would have been the same in the 1800s.
Members LMR Posted January 21, 2021 Members Report Posted January 21, 2021 3 hours ago, jmmosley53 said: I was having a particularly bad day and a question came to mind. People have been losing their spouses since there were people. How can it be that I am so lost, so unprepared, so unaware? How did they cope in the old days. Why isn't going through loss a class in school. How did I get to be 67 years old and never noticed that every day people were losing their spouses and I never knew the pain and misery they were going through? Why aren't doctors taught how to help people coping with loss. I totally agree with all your questions. Our culture prefers to hide. There are places in this world that treat death differently. I am wondering if any research has been done on how this affects their grief journey. I'm going to look. I went walking in our Mexican area on Day of the Dead, hoping to find an altar or some recognition. Because of covid the cemeteries were locked up and everyone must have done their communing with the dead indoors.I had a feeling that it might help me. I'm going to do my own this year wherever I am.
Members foreverhis Posted January 21, 2021 Members Report Posted January 21, 2021 5 hours ago, jmmosley53 said: How can it be that I am so lost, so unprepared, so unaware? In part because most societies absolutely suck at even acknowledging grief, much less teaching us anything about it as we grow up. Adults hide it from each other and their children. Society says, "Pick yourself up and 'move on' because we don't want to deal with the realities of death, loss, and the pain of grieving. We don't want to admit to our own mortality or that we will lose people we love." But also in part because nothing and no one can prepare us for the reality of losing our soulmates. Think about how you would try to describe the depth of it to someone who has never experienced it. I think it might be like trying to describe giving birth to someone who hasn't. They'd try to understand, but they'd have no way to really relate to it and no frame of reference. This is, unfortunately, something that can only be fully understood through experience. Even we who are going through it now can only have imagined it in the abstract. Until my life and heart were truly shattered, the thought of my love dying was a "some day one of us will die first, but that day is not today" feeling. I wish I had better answers for you, but I've come to believe that society could do a much better job of preparing us for deep loss and a much, much better job of allowing mourners the freedom to grieve in our own way and in our own time. Yet, even if that happened, we still could not be fully prepared for the reality.
Members Gail 8588 Posted January 21, 2021 Members Report Posted January 21, 2021 @LMR This may seem weird, but I actually felt I learned quite a bit about the philosophy of the Day of the Dead from the Disney animated movie called 'Coco'. My apologies to those more involved in this culture. I am sure my comment reflects my ignorance. But as a complete outsider, Coco did help me to understand some of the aspects of this belief system. Gail
Members Yoli Posted January 22, 2021 Members Report Posted January 22, 2021 It is weird that we as a society are so chronically bad at addressing grief. The one thing every human being on this earth has in common is that one day we will no longer be here.
Members LMR Posted January 22, 2021 Members Report Posted January 22, 2021 3 hours ago, Gail 8588 said: @LMR This may seem weird, but I actually felt I learned quite a bit about the philosophy of the Day of the Dead from the Disney animated movie called 'Coco'. My apologies to those more involved in this culture. I am sure my comment reflects my ignorance. But as a complete outsider, Coco did help me to understand some of the aspects of this belief system. Gail Gail. If you are interested look up the Torajan people of Sulawesi, Indonesia. They spend time actually living with their dead. I told my friend that if my husband had died at home I would probably have kept him for a while. A bit Psycho I know but I needed so badly to hold him.
Members foreverhis Posted January 22, 2021 Members Report Posted January 22, 2021 40 minutes ago, LMR said: I told my friend that if my husband had died at home I would probably have kept him for a while. A bit Psycho I know but I needed so badly to hold him Not to me it's not. When it was clear my love had taken his last breath, I pressed the call button and said they needed to send someone in. While waiting, I kept holding him. I put my hands under his arm, shoulder, and back. I told him for the millionth time that I love him and for the thousandth time that I am so sorry I didn't save him. When the doctor and nurses came in, I kept holding on to him and saying, "He's warm. He's still so warm." When the people from the funeral home came to prepare him and take him away, the nurses and CNAs basically helped hold me up and started guiding me out of the room. I shook off and flew back to him, put my arms around him, whispered "I love you so much." and just collapsed. So no, I don't think I would find it weird or Psycho unless you kept him for, you know, years and propped him up in a chair.
Members LMR Posted January 22, 2021 Members Report Posted January 22, 2021 24 minutes ago, foreverhis said: Not to me it's not. When it was clear my love had taken his last breath, I pressed the call button and said they needed to send someone in. While waiting, I kept holding him. I put my hands under his arm, shoulder, and back. I told him for the millionth time that I love him and for the thousandth time that I am so sorry I didn't save him. When the doctor and nurses came in, I kept holding on to him and saying, "He's warm. He's still so warm." When the people from the funeral home came to prepare him and take him away, the nurses and CNAs basically helped hold me up and started guiding me out of the room. I shook off and flew back to him, put my arms around him, whispered "I love you so much." and just collapsed. So no, I don't think I would find it weird or Psycho unless you kept him for, you know, years and propped him up in a chair. This is heartbreaking. I am so sorry.
Members LMR Posted January 22, 2021 Members Report Posted January 22, 2021 28 minutes ago, foreverhis said: So no, I don't think I would find it weird or Psycho unless you kept him for, you know, years and propped him up in a chair. I would have him laying on the sofa under his blanket. I still spread his blanket out every day. Sometimes it looks like he is still here. I thought of getting a pillow made with a photo of his face on it.
Members Gail 8588 Posted January 22, 2021 Members Report Posted January 22, 2021 We all do what we need to do to find some comfort. On the day my husband had his stroke he had gone out to lunch with a friend, had worked for awhlie at his computer, and then had changed into some yard work clothes hanging his nice clothes on a hook on our closet door, as they weren't really dirty- could be worn again. It's been almost 4 years and I have moved twice, but I still have those clothes hanging on my closet door. It looks like he could just slip them back on and take me out to a movie. Gail
Members Missy1 Posted January 22, 2021 Members Report Posted January 22, 2021 I have pondered the same question, how did I not know that others existed in this must pain and distress from losing their spouse! I think there is no way to comprehend what this hell is like until you are here. The ground shifts..
Members Gail 8588 Posted January 22, 2021 Members Report Posted January 22, 2021 I agree Missy, it is incomprehensible until you live it. Even when you live it it is incomprehensible.
Members foreverhis Posted January 22, 2021 Members Report Posted January 22, 2021 3 hours ago, LMR said: This is heartbreaking. I am so sorry. Thank you. I am so very sorry for you as well. My heart hurts for all of us, no matter our age, situation in life, or how we lost our one essential love. It's so unfair.
Moderators KayC Posted January 22, 2021 Moderators Report Posted January 22, 2021 Nothing any of you says do I find disheartening or weird in the least. Until you're there, you can't begin to know what it's like. Shoot, I even had a hard time burying my dog! He was wrapped in a blanket in the back of my son's truck, we were digging a hole and his head popped out of the blanket. He was still soft and warm, I kissed his sweet face. I didn't find anything weird about it at all. This is the hardest thing in the world, I live with grief, on an everyday basis. I find it sad that cemeteries even close for Covid.
Members Sparky1 Posted January 23, 2021 Members Report Posted January 23, 2021 40 minutes ago, KayC said: I find it sad that cemeteries even close for Covid. Don't get me started on this one. A month after my wife was entombed in the mausoleum, they closed it because of covid. Exactly one month later. It's been 2 months exactly since I went last and it has been very tortuous not being able to visit her. I even called the manager of the cemetery twice, and I got the usual list of precautions and why they have to do it. Trust me, I am frustrated beyond belief but am so helpless since I can't change the situation. Okay, I even told the manager that the mausoleum where my parents are entombed are allowed ten visitors in the building. Why is it different here when we are under the same protocols? No reasonable answer was given and it leaves me fuming. To boot, the plaque on the front of the tomb was screwed up and it will take many months to get a new one remade. Why is life so difficult?
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