Lost and alone

[LLB]

I'm new here and so happy to find this group. I lost my Soulmate 5 weeks ago today. We knew each other for over 40 years and he was my crutch and fixed every problem for me (very codependent).
Was hoping to get a pinch of his ashes for a necklace but his wife is a bitch. We were BFFs in recent times but were engaged at one point when they were separated until almost 5 years ago. . His wife just learned about this and thinks we both lied to her as someone told her we were still engaged when he passed away. Not true, engagement ended 4.5 years ago when he went Code Blue and that caused them to decide to work on their marriage.
I'm lost without him, especially when my adult daughter and I argue. He was always my voice of reason and knew everything about me so knew how to calm me down. Now I don't have anyone to fix those issues.
Theres lots to catch up.on but that's a nutshell version for now. I'm tired of crying.

[jmmosley53]

Hello LLB,

I am sorry for your loss.  It doesn't come as a surprise to me that his wife is acting out and excluding you.  

In my opinion, wear your necklace without cremains in it.  It is a symbolic remembrance object.  

5 weeks is such a short time to try to come to terms with someone you loves death.

I think every one on this site is tired of crying.  I know I am. 

[Gail 8588]

LLB, 

I am so sorry for your loss and the pain you are going through.  It can feel especially hard when your loss is not widely recognized as an acceptable loss.  But the heart loves who the heart loves, and grief can be just as devastating whether society knew of or recognized your bond.

Please feel welcome to come here and express your grief.  Each of us have had our lives devastated by the loss of our true loves.  We get how hard it is to sort through the pieces of our shattered lives. 

Gail

 

[LLB]

Tysm Gail. He was more than a BFF and was my crutch so it's hard to go through life without him. Most of my friends knew what he meant to me as we were glued at the hip for the past 10 years but stayed apart romantically for moral reasons. He was waiting for a kidney transplant through his wife's insurance. But yes, our love was always there waiting to be shared. He died before we got to that point. I wake up crying every morning and my eyes hurt with a constant headache so I wish I knew how to stop crying as well as how to put one foot in front of the other without him.

[LLB]

JM....goid to know my tears are normal. I was surprised she was acting like this because we never let her know we had been involved years ago but she found love cards I had given him after he passed away. So with that I'm not surprised either just sad and feel disrespected. She treated him like crap and I'm the one who always took him to the dr and hospital, even at 2am, not her because shed rather sleep

 Her job was more important to him. Shed always snap at him while we were on the phone which hurt me to hear. She had him cremated even though he wanted to be buried and hes in the (free) box they give you....nothing special like he should have. Friends are furious because she went back to work the next day. I just dont feel she needs to be so mean to me when (it seems anyway) that she didn't care that much about him in the first place.

Is there a trick stopping the tears because my head is pounding daily?

 

Ty for listening and replying. I appreciate it so much.

[LLB]

Oh, I'm wearing my engagement ring that i had from him from back when for comfort. Also wanted to mention the wife didnt do an obituary and isnt doing a Celebration of Life or anything for him. She just went back to life as normal. Seems so disrespectful when he had SO many friends.

[Gail 8588]

LLB, 

I am so sorry you are in such pain.  Unfortunately, I don't know of any way to stop the tears.  

It is easier said than done, but try not to focus on things you have no control over.  What she did or didn't do can't be changed.  Focus instead on the true bond you had with him. 

It helped me to talk to my love, sometimes even argue with him or lash out in my pain at him.  I still talk with him often though he has been gone nearly 4 years. 

Perhaps you and some of his friends could have a small celebration of his life that would give you a chance to honor his memory.

Hugs

Gail

[LLB]

Interesting that you mention that because his wife isnt doing anything and one of his high school friends just suggested a memorial of some kind. I only asked how wed do that behind the wife's back. Shes going to think about that. He was SO loved by so many that he deserves something.

[LLB]

Oh and I do talk to him all the time. I have a memorial poster I had made that has a poem in the shape of angels wings with his photo above the wings (like hes an angel). I talk to that all day long and even cry to it when I cry. I kiss his photo all the time too. It's my only comfort...oh and I found a huge teddy bear at Goodwill that I hug a lit and named after Brian. Its something.

[KayC]

On 1/19/2021 at 11:31 PM, LLB said:

I lost my Soulmate 5 weeks ago today.

I am so sorry for your loss.  Whatever we can do to get through this, whatever brings you comfort...I hope you have a good support system and someone you can talk with.

What you are going through could be called disenfranchised grief, I hope this helps:

https://www.socialworker.com/feature-articles/practice/disenfranchised-grief-when-grief-and-grievers-are-unrecogniz/
http://www.griefhealingblog.com/2014/06/disenfranchised-grief-when-ex-spouse.html

[jmmosley53]

LLB,

I don't know if this will help you but, I believe that the spirit leaves the body when someone dies.  Memorialize his spirit.

His uncaring, stupid wife can't take that away from you. 

Invite his friends that you know to a gathering, have his photo and your poems, all your mementos.  Talk about him, tell each other stories about him, laugh and cry together.  It's your gathering don't invite his wife if you don't want her there.  I know booking rooms for events is impossible right now.  But you could be at a park 6 feet apart, be anywhere, drive ways, parking lots where ever you can think of.

[LLB]

I love that idea and you are right I dont want her there. Tysm