Need to talk to someone

[rose15]

Hi everyone. This is my second post in this group. I was fully surprised how helpful this group has been so far. Last weekend was my boyfriends funeral and burial and this week has been extremely hard. I’m really struggling and I know only time will help, but it feels like my life was destroyed. I miss him so much it physically hurts. He was my best friend and now I feel so alone. I miss all the love he gave me, the intimacy, his funny personality, and basically everything about him. He was taken too soon. We are both in our early 20’s.   
 

Here is this thing: I met my boyfriend through my best girl friends. They all became friends through college sports. It was a group of 5 of them, my boyfriend and his 2 roommates, and my 2 best friends. I was introduced to them and slowly became friends (I was quick to judge and didn’t want to hang out with them in the beginning). But I fell madly in love with one of the boys and who soon became my boyfriend. His death has been really hard on me, and them as well. They just told me that them 4 want to get a tattoo to honor him. To me, my boyfriend and I never really wanted a tattoos or anything like that so maybe that’s why they didn’t expect me to get one with them. I get it for his guy friends to get them, but for my 2 best girl friends I’m extremely angry, sad, and irritated that they would get a tattoo for him. To me it seems reckless, and selfish. I can’t imagine looking at my best friends and seeing a tattoo on them for my boyfriend. Am I crazy to think this? Do I tell them - even though they don’t understand right now? What do I do!! I don’t think I can be friends with someone who has a reminder of my boyfriend. I can’t think clearly and it’s so soon after his death. It genuinely breaks me that they could do this to me. In their defense they were very good friends with him, but they don’t see my side. And as his girlfriend it makes me uncomfortable. I’m trying my best to grieve and this is just the last thing I want to be worrying about. 

[Perro J]

35 minutes ago, rose15 said:

I’m trying my best to grieve and this is just the last thing I want to be worrying about. 

I think you've answered yourself there.

The tattoo can be done later, much later, if you decide you really want one. I know how unclear my thoughts have been for the last six months and I think you would do well to defer decisions on whatever things you can, especially when undoing those decisions are difficult or impossible.

You want to honor him. Commemorate your love for him. I get that. Wait until the fog clears on this one. Your friends may be in shock over the loss as well. It impairs our judgment.

My condolences to you towards your loss. I am sorry you are here with us.

[rose15]

Thank you for the response. The thing is I don’t want one. Just because it doesn’t fit me and I never was really interested in them anyway. I just got a necklace with his initials instead and that has made me incredibly happy. But why am I so bothered that my friends want to get one? Am I overreacting? I think I might be being protective over him. Not sure. 

[jmmosley53]

rose15,

I am sorry you are feeling so much discontent and pain.

It's just my opinion but, You should not let friends, even good friends, pressure you into anything.  

Right now - you need to focus on yourself.  Mentally separate  yourself from the group, and allow yourself time to grieve your beloved.  The is not a group activity.  Your relationship with your beloved is what is important.  You must walk this path alone.  No one but you know how deep your feelings go.

This is not to say stop seeing your friends.  Just believe this is your path, YOU are the leader.  

Don't get a tattoo right now - that would be you walking their path.  Your instinct to get a necklace instead show you can act alone. 

Grieve for your loved.  He was worth it. 

[Perro J]

8 hours ago, rose15 said:

But why am I so bothered that my friends want to get one? Am I overreacting?

I offer you this from what I have been thinking - you'll have to decide for yourself if it is valid for you too:

I have been separating the losses into pieces. My love lost her life, the deepest and hardest loss of all of them. What I lost is not as severe as what she lost. Yet I know how terrible I feel. I lost the woman that loved me so intensely. We lost the potential future we had together. I am struggling to hold on to hope and God.

If others were to get a tattoo in her memory, I would say they are within their rights to do that but I would also have a feeling that they were appropriating my loss as well, even if they only were intending to recognize hers. That is my guess as to the reason why it bothers you.

In grief, our wounds are raw and we lash out at anything that threatens further hurt. Often times the mere mention of our loss is enough to set us off despite whatever good intentions those surrounding us may have. You'll find plenty of examples of boneheaded things people have said to grieving people in these forums too. We cannot control others but we can explain to them how we feel about things, we can suggest other options to honor the lost, and then detach from it - we're not responsible for the decisions and actions others make.

If you were trying to dictate to them how they must remember him, then I would think you were overreacting. Conversely, if they are pressuring you to get a tattoo, then they're out of bounds.

I think your idea of getting a necklace was on point. I have a necklace I gave my love before she died. I cherish it.

[LMR]

Hello Rose15. I'm so sorry for your loss. I understand your pain, it is so very hard to deal with such an immense.

I have given your tattoo problem a good deal of thought. I agree with Perro J that you feel like they are appropriating your loss. I think that is a natural response, we have a hard time making people understand the depth of our pain. It is very personal. If you check my past posts you will find that I haven't yet given my soul mate's name. Even that is too much for me to share right now.

You said the five of them were a group before you met them so I feel that they had something together that is now forever broken. I feel that is what they want to remember. Perhaps talking to them about what the tattoo is going to be would help.

My husband did not like tattoos but I have been feeling like I wanted one, small and very discreet, but branding me forever as belonging to him. As a compromise I have been tattooing myself with jagua. It lasts about three weeks and I can gradually get used to the idea. Change it, erase it or redo it.

[Diane R. E.]

Hello rose15; I will add my 2 cents. Personally, I validate your thinking that they either shouldn't have even considered the tattoo, or at the very least, they should have had a conversation with you about it. And I support your choice of not getting one. IMO, the friends shouldn't go through with the tattoo if they honor your feelings. (I got a necklace with my husband's initial on it too!)

[Gail 8588]

Rose15,

First, I am so sorry for your loss. It is horribly unfair.

On the friends getting tattoos, I think there is little you can do to keep them from doing it, but you can try to reconsider your reaction to it. 

It is their relationship with him that they are mourning.  It is not implying they had a relationship like you had with him. I would look at like there are many people who love him, his parents, siblings, other relatives, young people he mentored, and many of his friends.  Their love for him does not impinge on your relationship.  Let them grieve in their own ways. 

Trying to stop their group memorial to the lost member of their little tribe will just cause more pain for all of you. 

Just my thoughts. 

Hugs

Gail

 

[KayC]

19 hours ago, rose15 said:

Am I crazy to think this? Do I tell them - even though they don’t understand right now?

I would simply tell them that you and he were NOT in favor of getting tats and you want to honor his wishes.