Is This “ Normal” ??

[AnnRA]

At 2.5 months in, I thought I was doing ok last week. I have a prospective housemate, husband’s room cleared, several visitors, eating/sleeping carefully, etc. Even had a restful evening last night at nephew’s place, watching tv.   

Today I am SO, SO tired... currently am eating oatmeal, taking vits and meds (antidepressant AND benzodiapine, small dose)  and am going back to bed at 10 AM.   I have lost 16 pounds...... so am eating every few hours. 

My question is:  In “normal” times (before grief), i could sleep in for a day and get rested.  I do NOT want to get into a habit of this, I just want to get a bit more rest today.  How can I protect myself from going down a black hole of not getting out of bed each day?     I am exhausted....

 

[Diane R. E.]

Hello Ann; I'm so very sorry for your loss, but glad you found your way to this forum. It's only been 3.5 months since my husband died, but through this forum I have learned that everything we feel while grieving is normal. (I lost 20 pounds.) As an RN, I do encourage you to see your doctor for blood work, especially a hemoglobin. If low, it can certainly make you quite fatigued. Meanwhile, we have to take one day at a time and please read and write here - everyone has helpful tips. 

[Nancy Drake]

I lost my husband in June 2020.  The early days/months were horrible.  I questioned my sanity and my days were dark.  I learned to embrace the darkness, really feel it.  I have come to a more healing place in my heart and soul. Though I still miss him terribly, I have learned that it’s not ‘my time’ to go, but it Was his time.  And my husband would absolutely hate it, if I didn’t try to make a new life for myself. Though it’s difficult, I am finally have more good days than bad. I feel him with me more often than not. He’s my biggest supporter. Feel your grief, no matter how difficult. It’s the Only way to heal.

God Bless

[LoveNeverDies]

I also lost 20 pounds , I had absolutely no appetite for a while. I would sleep if you’re exhausted, grief is so exhausting . There’s  no rules when we’re grieving , do what you have to do get through this . 

[Nancy Drake]

And yes, I lost 20 lbs and had sleepless nights 

[steveb]

I’m so sorry for your loss Ann. I lost about 10 lbs.  Could barely sleep, eat, etc.  My whole body felt  extremely inflamed. As Diane said, get your blood work done.  Your grief/stress can obviously cause serious health issues.  If you need sleep/rest, do it no matter what time it is.  You need to allow yourself to  “recover” both physically and mentally. 

[Sparky1]

I also lost some weight, never measured it though but could feel it in my clothing. I began forcing myself to try and eat regular meals as I knew that the stress would make me lose more which would make my health deteriorate. I won't kill myself willingly by not eating, it wouldn't be right, although I look forward to the day when I can be reunited with my wife.

[Gail 8588]

I was exhausted and unable to sleep for a very long time.  I finally asked my doctor for help.  I believe chronic sleep deprivation contributed to my grief brain fog lasting so long.

I recommend you talk to your doctor.  There may be options that would help you.

Gail 

[KayC]

I don't know how I survived the early months!  I hardly got any sleep, lost 16 lbs...then made up for it be eating away my emotions, it took me years to get a handle on it.
Try having a smoothie if you don't feel like eating, something healthy with fruits, veggies, protein powder.  Oatmeal is a grain but doesn't have all of the nutrients, maybe add protein powder and cream and fruit to it?  

Get help for the sleep, I finally had to but I wish I hadn't made it harder on myself in those earlier years by saying no to the doctor's offer for a sleep aid.  It was hard to function w/o sleep and I had to work.  Not sure my grief fog ever went back to "normal" as it felt like brain trauma, honestly, but it did improve eventually.

[jmmosley53]

I talked to my doctor and was prescribed meds to help with depression.  They didn't make me feel better but they did help me get restful sleep.

Unlike everyone who posted to this threat I gained weight since my husband's death.  I find I do not eat meals much anymore.  I snack all day, mostly on carbs.

[Zee24]

20 hours ago, Nancy Drake said:

I lost my husband in June 2020.  The early days/months were horrible.  I questioned my sanity and my days were dark.  I learned to embrace the darkness, really feel it.  I have come to a more healing place in my heart and soul. Though I still miss him terribly, I have learned that it’s not ‘my time’ to go, but it Was his time.  And my husband would absolutely hate it, if I didn’t try to make a new life for myself. Though it’s difficult, I am finally have more good days than bad. I feel him with me more often than not. He’s my biggest supporter. Feel your grief, no matter how difficult. It’s the Only way to heal.

God Bless

I lost my dad and ended up losing a lot of weight, couldnt sleep etc. And I too learnt to embrace the darkness. Initially I just couldn’t bear being alone and I was scared, I literally needed someone to talk to all the time. If someone asked how i was, I would literally tell them how i was feeling. (Once someone interrupted me in the middle and started asking the other person in the room how to make sure her iphone battery doesnt get drained, in my own house and no shes not a stranger to a loss and is sixty eight).  I realised with these kind of hints and open scorn, that i need to keep my thoughts to myself and learn to cope being alone. And you know what you do because theres no other option.

[LMR]

I lost about 20 pounds in the first couple of months. Its five months now and the last few weeks have been some of the worst. I too started snacking all day. I am basically living on tea and cookies. I just can't be bothered to cook, and even making a sandwich will give me a meltdown. I made smoothies for him when he wasn't eating. I bought the blender specially so that isn't going to work for me.

I thought I had a routine worked out for getting to sleep but that too has changed. I now start crying as soon as I get up to go to bed. Some nights I have literally had no sleep at all. I can be dozy all day and hardly able to stay awake but as soon as I am in bed I can't switch off.

[JaynEm9220]

2 hours ago, LMR said:

I lost about 20 pounds in the first couple of months. Its five months now and the last few weeks have been some of the worst. I too started snacking all day. I am basically living on tea and cookies. I just can't be bothered to cook, and even making a sandwich will give me a meltdown. I made smoothies for him when he wasn't eating. I bought the blender specially so that isn't going to work for me.

I thought I had a routine worked out for getting to sleep but that too has changed. I now start crying as soon as I get up to go to bed. Some nights I have literally had no sleep at all. I can be dozy all day and hardly able to stay awake but as soon as I am in bed I can't switch off.

I am sending massive hugs to you.  I cry hardest in bed and am doing so now.  I too had to bin all the foodstuffs we had that I had bought in the eight weeks from diagnosis to death because I couldn’t bear to touch them and trigger the pain I felt at his absence.  Ice pops, ice cream, even bagged ice cubes.  Grief is beyond any emotion humans can expect to experience and changes you fundamentally.  5 months is nothing when the person you love in ways you never thought were possible dies.  Be kind to yourself.  I am trying to.  Xxxx

much love to all xxx

 

[JaynEm9220]

23 hours ago, LoveNeverDies said:

I also lost 20 pounds , I had absolutely no appetite for a while. I would sleep if you’re exhausted, grief is so exhausting . There’s  no rules when we’re grieving , do what you have to do get through this . 

It is exhausting.  It is.  It tires you in so many ways and that advice - do what you have to do to get through - there’s no other way.  Friends and family say I am brave but I don’t feel it.  I am an ordinary human being dealing with an extraordinary (in the sad sense) situation that I wouldn’t wish on my worst enemy.

much love for you all 

[KayC]

On 1/19/2021 at 9:43 AM, jmmosley53 said:

Unlike everyone who posted to this threat I gained weight since my husband's death. 

I lost 16 lbs the first month, after that I ate myself into oblivion.  I just got it off last year.  I had some health issues and had to.

[LMR]

Please take care of yourself. Try to eat properly. I know you aren't interested, I've been there. I lived on cereal at first, later it was cookies. After five months of poor diet, lack of sleep and lack of exercise I have made myself ill. If you need to sleep go ahead and sleep (the meds will likely increase your sleepiness) but try and get one proper meal a day, oatmeal and vitamins will not keep you healthy.

[Karen Osman]

I lost 20 pounds during the last eight months of my husband's illness, but he lost even more and just wasted away.  Now I just snack or pop something in the microwave.  I also cry every night.  I do sleep but wake every three hours.  I take a book and try to read then,  so as not to think.  I think we all are off  kilter during our grief.