Death of my Husband

[Mouseyme]

My husband passed away last April at 63 yrs old.  We have been together for 51 yrs and married for 43.  We have 2 grown daughters and 6 grandchildren.  I miss him so much it is like a part of died as well when he passed.  I am trying to work through this but it is hard.  Not sure what to do now.  My kids and grandkids are my world.

[Mouseyme]

I work at a hospital and find it very hard to go back to work, maybe one day I can but just not sure yet. My one daughter is a nurse and has helped me try to understand it, my older daughter works as well and I know they are both having a hard time losing their dad.  He died of Global Brain Injury.  The Dr. told me that it could happen 3 mths 3 days or even 3yrs but it was going to happen. He was admitted to hospital on a Wed and passed away on Sunday.  He was on life support for 3 days until they found out what exactly was wrong with him.  He was never going to recover they told us, so we made the decision to take him off life support.  My daughters took it very hard so I stepped up to the plate and made sure they were getting better before thinking of myself.  Well now its my time, and not sure what to do about it.  I have had counselling and they suggested that I do this chat to see if that will help.  I am getting better slowly but hard when you loose the love of your life.  I wouldn't wish this upon anyone.  I know deep down he would never have left us if he thought we couldn't carry on.  Thanks for listening and maybe one day I can get to the point where I can help someone else. 

[Gail 8588]

Mouseyme,

I am so sorry for your loss.  2020 was a horrible year for so many reasons, but how it left grievers isolated is one of its terrible legacies.

The brain fog of grief makes it nearly impossible to figure out what to do next. At a time when we really need  our wits about us, our brain goes AWOL.  That's why this is all so hard and confusing. And frustrating too, as we know we used to be capable of figuring things out.

Give yourself time. Be kind to yourself.   It helps to just focus on what you have to do today, rather than trying to figure out the future. One day at a time is challenge enough right now.

Glad you have your daughters and grands to give you hope. 

Gail

[jmmosley53]

Hello Mouseyme,

I am so glad you posted today.  My husband passed away in April 202 also.

I know how difficult it is to transition from being part of a couple to being just yourself.  If you are like me, you married young and reached maturity together.  I have no idea who I want to be.  I am not used to making decisions with out having him to weigh in about what to do.  It was always Jean & Rick.  Now it is who know what.

My mind is slowly realizing that I can carry on and move forward.  Trouble  is my heart isn't buying any of it and keeps trying to change what happened.

It is wonderful that you have your children and grandchildren to occupy some of your time.  In the quite times when you are alone, try not to think about things that will make you cry.

I know how much it hurts, and despite 9 months passing you are probably just now getting over the shock of what has happened.  All the pain and sadness is still there.  I have been told that as time passes some of the sharp edges of the pain will dull and  

 

[KayC]

I am so sorry.  Your loss is still very fresh, and my heart goes out to you, and after a lifetime together!  One of the hardest periods to get through is after the shock has worn off and support has gone back to their lives...everyone does but us, I guess.  I'm glad your daughter suggested a site such as this, it's what saved me when I went through the early years (been 15 1/2 years now).  Grief counseling can also help but it depends on the counselor, if you do decide to go, remember it's okay if you don't click with one to try another...or another.  I was lucky to get one on a site like this!  My original "grief counselor" was anything but!

I want to share an article I wrote of the things I've found helpful over the years, in the hopes something will be of help to you either now or on down the road.

TIPS TO MAKE YOUR WAY THROUGH GRIEF

There's no way to sum up how to go on in a simple easy answer, but I encourage you to read the other threads here, little by little you will learn how to make your way through this.  I do want to give you some pointers though, of some things I've learned on my journey.

• Take one day at a time.  The Bible says each day has enough trouble of it's own, I've found that to be true, so don't bite off more than you can chew.  It can be challenging enough just to tackle today.  I tell myself, I only have to get through today.  Then I get up tomorrow and do it all over again.  To think about the "rest of my life" invites anxiety.
• Don't be afraid, grief may not end but it evolves.  The intensity lessens eventually.
• Visit your doctor.  Tell them about your loss, any troubles sleeping, suicidal thoughts, anxiety attacks.  They need to know these things in order to help you through it...this is all part of grief.
• Suicidal thoughts are common in early grief.  If they're reoccurring, call a suicide hotline.  I felt that way early on, but then realized it wasn't that I wanted to die so much as I didn't want to go through what I'd have to face if I lived.  Back to taking a day at a time.  Suicide Hotline - Call 1-800-273-8255 or www.crisis textline.org or US and Canada: text 741741 UK: text 85258 | Ireland: text 50808
• Give yourself permission to smile.  It is not our grief that binds us to them, but our love, and that continues still.
• Try not to isolate too much.  
• There's a balance to reach between taking time to process our grief, and avoiding it...it's good to find that balance for yourself.  We can't keep so busy as to avoid our grief, it has a way of haunting us, finding us, and demanding we pay attention to it!  Some people set aside time every day to grieve.  I didn't have to, it searched and found me!
• Self-care is extremely important, more so than ever.  That person that would have cared for you is gone, now you're it...learn to be your own best friend, your own advocate, practice self-care.  You'll need it more than ever.
• Recognize that your doctor isn't trained in grief, find a professional grief counselor that is.  We need help finding ourselves through this maze of grief, knowing where to start, etc.  They have not only the knowledge, but the resources.
• In time, consider a grief support group.  If your friends have not been through it themselves, they may not understand what you're going through, it helps to find someone somewhere who DOES "get it". 
• Be patient, give yourself time.  There's no hurry or timetable about cleaning out belongings, etc.  They can wait, you can take a year, ten years, or never deal with it.  It's okay, it's what YOU are comfortable with that matters.  
• Know that what we are comfortable with may change from time to time.  That first couple of years I put his pictures up, took them down, up, down, depending on whether it made me feel better or worse.  Finally, they were up to stay.
• Consider a pet.  Not everyone is a pet fan, but I've found that my dog helps immensely.  It's someone to love, someone to come home to, someone happy to see me, someone that gives me a purpose...I have to come home and feed him.  Besides, they're known to relieve stress.  Well maybe not in the puppy stage when they're chewing up everything, but there's older ones to adopt if you don't relish that stage.
• Make yourself get out now and then.  You may not feel interest in anything, things that interested you before seem to feel flat now.  That's normal.  Push yourself out of your comfort zone just a wee bit now and then.  Eating out alone, going to a movie alone or church alone, all of these things are hard to do at first.  You may feel you flunked at it, cried throughout, that's okay, you did it, you tried, and eventually you get a little better at it.  If I waited until I had someone to do things with I'd be stuck at home a lot.
• Keep coming here.  We've been through it and we're all going through this together.
• Look for joy in every day.  It will be hard to find at first, but in practicing this, it will change your focus so you can embrace what IS rather than merely focusing on what ISN'T.  It teaches you to live in the present and appreciate fully.  You have lost your big joy in life, and all other small joys may seem insignificant in comparison, but rather than compare what used to be to what is, learn the ability to appreciate each and every small thing that comes your way...a rainbow, a phone call from a friend, unexpected money, a stranger smiling at you, whatever the small joy, embrace it.  It's an art that takes practice and is life changing if you continue it.
• Eventually consider volunteering.  It helps us when we're outward focused, it's a win/win.

(((hugs))) Praying for you today.

[Mouseyme]

I want to thank of all of you for helping me out...Your words mean so much to me at this time.  I dont know how to reply to you individually yet but I am sure I will figure it out.

.  Like I said I have never been on a chat room before in my life so it is very new to me.  Your kinds words are exactly what I need to hear and I feel for all of you.  I am sure one day we will figure it out, and move on to our new unnormal life without our loved ones, but they are forever in our heart...stay strong and keep your head up and dont forget no one can take your memories away from you...

[KayC]

Just put @ and then their username, it will pop up and you cliick on it, that will insert it into your post and they'll know they are tagged.

Or you can select something they posted and quote will pop up, click on that and it will quote what you selected, and you can respond just below that.  They be notified they were quoted.