Counseling questionnaire is sending me into a hole

[Rashell]

I signed up for counseling pretty quickly, I only had one session with my first counselor and I felt a little weird about her but wanted to give her a few chances before switching, then she cancelled our next appointment because her mother in law died. I just didn’t want to talk to someone about my grief that was also going through their own, so I switched. The new counselor sent me a questionnaire to fill out before our first session and one of the questions was, “If you were to wake up and all your problems were to go away, what would that look like?” And it just made me so angry. It would look like my partner being alive and in bed next to me, obviously. It also asked what I’m looking to achieve through counseling and how I plan to achieve it and, I have no idea. I know it was a general questionnaire but now I’m starting to think I’m not ready for counseling, and this whole thing has just sent me into, how the heck am I supposed to do anything without him, and accept the fact that now EVERYTHING is without him. I’m not really at the point where I wanna work through my grief, I just wanna sit in it. I literally would rather stay right where I am than imagine living my life without my partner. I feel like my entire heart has been ripped out of my body and I’m gonna spend the rest of my life just waiting to see him again and I’m okay with that, in fact that’s the only thing I’m okay with.

[widower2]

Sorry you had that experience. Seeing therapists/psychologists is like having your car worked on by monkeys with oven mitts on. You are bound to find some that are underwhelming if not just plain bad, because a lot of them frankly don't know what they're doing. This is not helped by a growing trend toward being "corporate," i.e. working for some company that thinks they can cookie cutter some grief counseling "methodology" and apply it to all, etc. Morons. This is not like building a widget to sell to America. 

Basically if you get a bad feeling from one, move on. There are others. I have. One asked me to fill out this ridiculously extensive questionnaire during our session. Hello you should have asked me to do that ahead of time vs on my dime. That was our first and last session. 

[Rashell]

I really liked this counselor at first because he sent me these questionnaires to fill out before the session, and I was like oh awesome he must actually wanna be able to get into it during the session. But the questionnaires were so generic and SO not geared toward someone dealing with a loss. I actually felt like Ive been dealing OK the last couple days and then having these questions asking me about my future and how I plan to “overcome my problems” ?? Like, I hadn’t even begun to think about anything beyond the end of this week and it just totally sent me back to, this is really my life now. And I don’t plan to “overcome” my problem, I just wanna learn how to get through a day. I wish I could find a counselor that ONLY specializes in grief, but with covid and everything being online and with bottom-of-the-barrel health insurance, my options are very limited. Actually, a lot of the resources I’ve been given to help have ended up being really triggering and it’s super disheartening.

[KayC]

6 hours ago, Rashell said:

“If you were to wake up and all your problems were to go away, what would that look like?” And it just made me so angry. It would look like my partner being alive and in bed next to me, obviously. It also asked what I’m looking to achieve through counseling and how I plan to achieve it and, I have no idea.

WRITE those two responses down!  Be candid!  And put you're wondering if they can help you if that's what you're feeling.  They need to go back and re-read with fresh eyes how THEIR response might be if THEY lost their spouse!  Or perhaps they can't imagine because they've never been there.  It'd be nice to know beforehand if someone even has a clue what it's like or not.  How can they help us if they haven't experienced it themselves?  

My first one was horrid, should have struck to drug/alcohol counseling, something he knew.  He obviously did not have a clue about loss/grief.  Good to check out the shingle they hang on their door for credentials.  Maybe you should send them a questionnaire of your own.  "Have you ever experienced loss of someone in your everyday life that was your world?"  That'd be a place to start!  They should know what they're good at and what they're not.

I'm sorry, another thing to struggle with.  I started a grief support group a few years ago and enjoy doing it immensely, I enjoy helping them through it and can totally relate to their experiences.  We've become friends and although we're not meeting during Covid (most are elderly), I do check with them regularly.

6 hours ago, widower2 said:

Basically if you get a bad feeling from one, move on. There are others.

Yep!  Exactly.

5 hours ago, Rashell said:

Actually, a lot of the resources I’ve been given to help have ended up being really triggering and it’s super disheartening.

They will, one thing I've noticed is that the grief process is painful.  There's no way to circumvent it or I surely would have by now, the only way I've seen is to go straight through it, pain and all, and try to learn and process as you go.  Like a balancing act, going with what is comfortable vs pushing ourselves past the discomfort.  Like the first time I ate out alone.  I probably bawled the whole time!  Or getting groceries without him.  That was really hard.

[Diane R. E.]

Well said, Kay! I agree - we have to go straight through the grieving, as painful as it is. I know the pain will never completely go away, and I'm good with that. That may sound strange, but I feel it's because we loved our partner deeply, and a piece of our heart went with them when they passed away. Rashell, I'm so sorry you had that experience with the questionnaire. It would have upset me big time! I find that sometimes something someone says triggers me and I go down a black hole. Afterwards I feel I overreacted, but I'm also trying to forgive myself. After all, it's only been 3 1/2 months, and I'm planning a memorial for my husband. 

[jmmosley53]

Hello Rashell,

I was given a workbook with questions like you are describing.  Some of the questions were so out of touch it made me mad.  

I used pencil in the workbook but I answered the questions how I really felt.  A lot of my answers were 'I don't know" or when asked how would it look if I responded, I can't see it.

There were also some 'shut ups' and 'that doesn't make sense to me'

I think in time my answers might be different but people feel what they feel.  Don't try to hide what you feel to please a consoler.  

[Gail 8588]

Rashell, 

I agree with you that the general questionnaire they sent you is not applicable to your situation. I agree with Kay that I'd answer their question by telling them how hurtful those insensitive questions are to someone struggling with the death of a partner. How it gives you zero confidence that they have any training in grief counseling at all.

Then I'd look for a different counselor. 

Hang in there. 

Gail