Members Rashell Posted January 12, 2021 Members Report Posted January 12, 2021 Ive been posting on here a lot so as most of you know, my boyfriend was murdered a week ago today. I’m not sure if this is the right place for this post, but didn’t know where else to post it. About 9 months ago I had an early miscarriage, I was only 11 weeks. Ive had a miscarriage before when I was much younger and was not really effected by it, as the person I was with at the time was not the greatest and figured it wasn’t meant to be. This one felt very different, I was pretty depressed for awhile but it was not overwhelming, I didn’t obsess over it and I continued with my life, but me and my boyfriend both had a turning point when that happened. He took care of me for a long time after that and our connection was so much deeper. It hit me hard because I knew he was the person I wanted to spend my life with and eventually have kids, but it didn’t feel like the end of the world and we had plenty of time to do all of that. Since he’s passed, these awful feelings of that are resurfacing along with the grief of losing him. Im realizing that was my only opportunity to have a child with the person I love. Since I have been on birth control, I haven’t had a period since the miscarriage. When he passed, I stopped taking my birth control for a few days and could feel myself starting to get the period symptoms and had to start taking my birth control again as it was making everything hurt much more badly and I didn’t know why, and now I am realizing. I feel like I’m going through so many losses at once on top of losing him. I’m thinking of getting a reborn baby because I heard it can bring you comfort after things like this, but a part of me feels like I am losing my sanity. I am terrified to stop taking my birth control because I’m holding on to this weird idea that I could be pregnant, and getting my period would destroy this last bit of hope. I know in reality it would be awful if I was pregnant right now and I would be all alone, but I so desperately want a living breathing piece of him with me. I don’t feel like I can talk to my mom or friends about this because I feel like I sound absolutely insane. Has anyone else gone through anything similar? Especially those without kids- did you ever experience the hoping that you could be pregnant (even though you know it isn’t possible) immediately after your loss?
Members jmmosley53 Posted January 12, 2021 Members Report Posted January 12, 2021 Rashell, My husband and I never were able to have children. I am much older than you so I don't crave or hope for his child. I can see that it might be a comfort to be pregnant with his child,. I have waited hundreds of times, hoping that I conceived. It is a terrible let down when you realize you are not pregnant. I think that it would be an enormous amount of pressure on a child conceived under these circumstances. They might have to try to fill a hole in your heart that can not be filled. Should you be lucky enough to have a child now, guard against trying to make this child a substitute for your lost love.
Members Rashell Posted January 12, 2021 Author Members Report Posted January 12, 2021 14 minutes ago, jmmosley53 said: I think that it would be an enormous amount of pressure on a child conceived under these circumstances. They might have to try to fill a hole in your heart that can not be filled. Well my post is just another example of why I am absolutely not ready to be a parent. I didn’t really think through that if I did happen to be pregnant I would need to be thinking about the child’s feelings in all of this. It’s such a selfish thing for me to be hoping I could be pregnant right now, and either way I know it’s 100% not possible even if I don’t want to accept it. Thank you for responding, this actually really helped bring me back down to reality. I’m definitely not myself right now.
Members Maria_PI Posted January 12, 2021 Members Report Posted January 12, 2021 @rachell I admire your courage to talk about these things on here, and I completely understand your plight and feeling like you are going insane with so many deep personal losses in such short period of time. I am also a lot older than you and I agree with @jmmosley53 that it would be heavy on a child brought to life under the circumstances. I also wanted to add some caution on getting off the birth control pills at this point, as those are hormonal and can have unintended consequences on your mental health. I can only relay my experiences with such pills - I didn't take them for birth control but was prescribed a different dose and regimen to treat a cervical cyst, during my first round I was waking up in the middle of the night having suicidal thoughts. Those can cause severe mood changes so please be careful with them and make sure to consult a gynecologist before stopping them abruptly. Thinking of you and sending you warmest hugs!
Moderators KayC Posted January 12, 2021 Moderators Report Posted January 12, 2021 I have gone through losing three, one I was 4 1/2 months along and my then husband deliberately beat it out of me, I was 18, this was planned. It doesn't help that people tell you "It's for the best." It never FEELS "best" when you lose your child, no matter how much a scoundrel the father might be. I lost two others and had to go through years of fertility treatment before my (second) husband and I had any. He divorced me after 23 years of marriage...that's when I found George, the love of my life, the only man who ever loved me! We didn't have children together but he was a wonderful stepfather! He was amazing, he earned their respect and love, not an easy task for someone coming into a teenage stepchild's life. It only served to make me love him all the more! I would talk to your doctor about whether or not to be on birth control right now, let them know what is going on with you, including grief and physical situation. They might be able to help you manage the hormonal things going on.
Members foreverhis Posted January 13, 2021 Members Report Posted January 13, 2021 I'm not surprised that you are feeling waves of loss from your miscarriage. It's a painful and tangible reminder of the future you planned, but will not have. Most (maybe all) of us grieve for the future we have lost. Whether we're in our later years or young like you, we were walking a path with our one essential love; we were forging that path together. It's hard enough to know what we've lost, but to add the knowledge that what you and he wanted will never happen is another layer on top of it. I'm so sorry you have the added pain of grieving both him and your child with him. There's not a darn thing anyone can say that will make this better, but please know you are not alone. We're all unique in our grief, but we're trying to make our way through it together.
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