New and needing help

[CandyLovesDan]

My boyfriend was my best friend. I never believed in things like we were meant to meet, or soulmates, until I met him. 

We both struggled with addiction. The last couple months of his life things had gotten really crazy. I was always there for him no matter what. He had completed a 30 treatment program on 10/19, and he was doing the best I ever saw him. We spent an amazing 3 days together before he relapsed on 10/24. Our last night together was perfect. He was staying at a sober living house, and the last thing he said to me that night when I dropped him off was that he was going to get his sh*t together and ask me to marry him. 

He called me the next day to tell me he relapsed, and I got angry. I told him over and over he wasn't going to survive this one. I kept telling him "3 days".  That was how long I expected him to survive. I didn't want it to be true, but deep down I knew. We were so connected I could just feel it.  I told him how much I loved him, and how deviated I would be if he died. That was the last time we spoke.

He promised me no matter what he would never go more than a day without talking to me. By 10/26 I was so scared. I checked every jail and hospital. I tried to contact anyone he could have been with. I contacted his mother and brother to tell them something was really wrong this time.  I felt it. They tried to tell me that they were sure he was fine. I couldn't get them to understand.

He died on 10/27, was found on 10/28, and identified 10/29 after his mom called to report him missing. He was found dumped in a creek, naked. His cause of death was exposure. He was left there like garbage by the people he was with. 

I felt it when he died, something inside of me broke. I didn't want it to be true. I can still hear his mom calling me to tell me they found his body. 

I left for treatment on 11/1. I knew if I didn't things were going to get really bad, really fast. 

I just left treatment a couple days ago. I didn't get much help with grief while there. Now that I am out his death is more real, and hitting me as hard as it did the day I got the call from his mom. 

His funeral is this coming Sunday. Due to the investigation his funeral was delayed. I won't get to be there in person bc it is several states away where his mom lives. I will get to see it on zoom. 

I feel lost and empty. I keep reading over our last text, and listening to his voice mail messages. I wish he would have listened to me. That he would have called me like he always did when things got bad. That I would have gone looking for him. I can't stop feeling like I should have done more. 

He was all I really had. My only person in the world who I could talk to and understood me. I need help and don't know where to get it. No one understands. I'm hoping I can find some people here that do. This was long, thank you for reading. 

 

[jmmosley53]

Hello CandylovesDan,

I am very sorry for your loss.  I imagine that you are totally devastated by the circumstances of your beloved death.  My circumstances are not like yours, but I too have guilt associated with my loves death.  Because of COVID rules I was not allowed to be with him when he died.  

My mind makes up every scenario concerning his death trying to imagine what he was thinking.  It is a terrible path to let my mind go down.

I think you can drive your self into depression if you give in to the guilt trigger.  We all did the best we could with the knowledge we had.  

Stay on track with your program,               It is hard enough for us to cope with the pain of losing them.  It would be so much harder to cope with our loss, when our minds are altered.  Stinking thinking if you know what I mean.

[KayC]

Candy, I am so sorry for your loss.  I wish you could be present for the funeral, always horrible time for loss, but this is the worst it seems.  jmmosley offered good advice, I hope you'll read and reread it.

I want to share an article I wrote of the things I've found helpful over the years, in the hopes something will be of help to you either now or on down the road.

TIPS TO MAKE YOUR WAY THROUGH GRIEF

There's no way to sum up how to go on in a simple easy answer, but I encourage you to read the other threads here, little by little you will learn how to make your way through this.  I do want to give you some pointers though, of some things I've learned on my journey.

• Take one day at a time.  The Bible says each day has enough trouble of it's own, I've found that to be true, so don't bite off more than you can chew.  It can be challenging enough just to tackle today.  I tell myself, I only have to get through today.  Then I get up tomorrow and do it all over again.  To think about the "rest of my life" invites anxiety.
• Don't be afraid, grief may not end but it evolves.  The intensity lessens eventually.
• Visit your doctor.  Tell them about your loss, any troubles sleeping, suicidal thoughts, anxiety attacks.  They need to know these things in order to help you through it...this is all part of grief.
• Suicidal thoughts are common in early grief.  If they're reoccurring, call a suicide hotline.  I felt that way early on, but then realized it wasn't that I wanted to die so much as I didn't want to go through what I'd have to face if I lived.  Back to taking a day at a time.  Suicide Hotline - Call 1-800-273-8255 or www.crisis textline.org or US and Canada: text 741741 UK: text 85258 | Ireland: text 50808
• Give yourself permission to smile.  It is not our grief that binds us to them, but our love, and that continues still.
• Try not to isolate too much.  
• There's a balance to reach between taking time to process our grief, and avoiding it...it's good to find that balance for yourself.  We can't keep so busy as to avoid our grief, it has a way of haunting us, finding us, and demanding we pay attention to it!  Some people set aside time every day to grieve.  I didn't have to, it searched and found me!
• Self-care is extremely important, more so than ever.  That person that would have cared for you is gone, now you're it...learn to be your own best friend, your own advocate, practice self-care.  You'll need it more than ever.
• Recognize that your doctor isn't trained in grief, find a professional grief counselor that is.  We need help finding ourselves through this maze of grief, knowing where to start, etc.  They have not only the knowledge, but the resources.
• In time, consider a grief support group.  If your friends have not been through it themselves, they may not understand what you're going through, it helps to find someone somewhere who DOES "get it". 
• Be patient, give yourself time.  There's no hurry or timetable about cleaning out belongings, etc.  They can wait, you can take a year, ten years, or never deal with it.  It's okay, it's what YOU are comfortable with that matters.  
• Know that what we are comfortable with may change from time to time.  That first couple of years I put his pictures up, took them down, up, down, depending on whether it made me feel better or worse.  Finally, they were up to stay.
• Consider a pet.  Not everyone is a pet fan, but I've found that my dog helps immensely.  It's someone to love, someone to come home to, someone happy to see me, someone that gives me a purpose...I have to come home and feed him.  Besides, they're known to relieve stress.  Well maybe not in the puppy stage when they're chewing up everything, but there's older ones to adopt if you don't relish that stage.
• Make yourself get out now and then.  You may not feel interest in anything, things that interested you before seem to feel flat now.  That's normal.  Push yourself out of your comfort zone just a wee bit now and then.  Eating out alone, going to a movie alone or church alone, all of these things are hard to do at first.  You may feel you flunked at it, cried throughout, that's okay, you did it, you tried, and eventually you get a little better at it.  If I waited until I had someone to do things with I'd be stuck at home a lot.
• Keep coming here.  We've been through it and we're all going through this together.
• Look for joy in every day.  It will be hard to find at first, but in practicing this, it will change your focus so you can embrace what IS rather than merely focusing on what ISN'T.  It teaches you to live in the present and appreciate fully.  You have lost your big joy in life, and all other small joys may seem insignificant in comparison, but rather than compare what used to be to what is, learn the ability to appreciate each and every small thing that comes your way...a rainbow, a phone call from a friend, unexpected money, a stranger smiling at you, whatever the small joy, embrace it.  It's an art that takes practice and is life changing if you continue it.
• Eventually consider volunteering.  It helps us when we're outward focused, it's a win/win.

(((hugs))) Praying for you today.

[Gail 8588]

Candy,

I am so very sorry for your loss.  I know how shattering it can be to lose your true love.  

The fact that you took the step to address your own addiction issues at this time is a reflection of how strong you are.  Keep up with your program.

Be kind to yourself.  Guilt is a very common response to the loss of your true love.  Many of us have shared in these posts our struggles with guilt for not having saved our loves.  Whatever we did, it was not enough, because they died.  It takes time for your brain to let go of that blame game. 

I am so sorry that all of this has happened.  It's not fair. It's not right.  Try to hang on to the fact that he loved you and you loved him and that will always be your connection.

Sending you strength to get through the difficult months ahead. 

Gail

[frenchygirl]

@CandyLovesDan I am so incredibly sorry for your loss. My love and soulmate took his own life. It doesn't matter how we lost our loves, the fact remains that part of us is gone. We understand that here. I have found solace in this place. Continue to seek out help. I had to get on meds and I am currently in counseling once a week. My counselor said our grief doesn't ever really get smaller, life expands around it. It's so true...time does something, but it doesn't take away the pain of the loss. We will be here for you in this place. We understand. When people say "how are you doing" (a question I HATE), I'm not sure they really want the answer because they don't truly know what we are going through. When someone here says "how are you doing"...we understand that getting out of bed is hard, that eating can be hard and that sometimes, crying is all we know. Hang in there sweet girl. We love you!