Loss of dad to cancer.... what if I don’t want to grieve?

[Skychareth]

I lost my dad to cancer in October. We were close but due to distance only saw each other every few months. I was there during all the chemo and hospital stays as much as I could be due to Covid and hospital restrictions. We were with him at hospice when he passed. It’s easy for me to go day to day as if he was still here. If I dwell on the fact that he’s gone I just break down. Dwelling on that fact isn’t going to bring him back so why would I do that to myself? Is it bad for me to just not think about it? I’ve also noticed I’ve had problems saying that he is dead. It’s almost like my brain doesn’t want to say it. I prefer to use other words like he passed or is gone. Am I a bad person because I don’t want to think about it? I don’t understand why we would want to dwell on him being gone if it just makes us sad. 

[reader]

Dear Skychareth,

Please know there is no right way or wrong way to grieve. We all must do what we feel is right for ourselves and gives us comfort and peace.

It is perfectly all right to use the words we want. I too cannot say that my father died and prefer to say he has passed.

Never think you are a bad person. You're a perfectly normal person for feeling as you do. The most important thing is that you feel you are coping and getting enough support whatever form that takes.

 

[BEQUET93]

I do not believe that you are a bad person. The loss of a parent is a profound event that jars us to our very core and people respond in a variety of ways. October hasn't been that long ago, so your loss is still fresh. I lost my mother on 11/2/2020 and I also don't like to say that she is "dead" or that she "died". Those words express finality and I prefer to say that she has "passed", because it allows me to feel that she still exists, in some form. In the early days of our grief, all we can do is try to comfort ourselves, because we have lost people who played the largest roles in our lives. People might lose a spouse and remarry, but there is no one who can ever fill the void left after the passing of a parent. They were there at our respective births and loved us as no one else ever will. It is very hard and, as reader said, there is no right or wrong. I am sorry you are going through this, but please know that, at this very moment, throughout the world, there are many others going through similar struggles. You are not alone.