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Hope could I have been so blind?


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My husband and I have been together for 3.5 years. The relationship was cross cultural and long distance due to us both having work in different countries, but we managed to see each other every 2/3 months pre Covid. We have been so happy, so in love, so eager to make things work despite the distance. My plan was to move to him in Feb 2021 to start our lives together, finally. He had begun preparing for my arrival, renovating our home, sorting out pets, helping me find work. Due to Covid and travel restrictions , we spent 9 months not seeing each other although we spoke multiple times a day as we always did. I visited him in October 2020 when air travel was permitted and we had a lovely time together, although in hindsight, I feel he may have been somewhat distant, emotionally. We did many life admin tasks, including my fertility testing and a job interview for myself. He was eager for me to resign from my job on my return to my country of residence, which I planned to do immediately. Suddenly, in December 2020, out of the blue (for me anyway) he told me over the phone that he does not see us continuing in our relationship. I am just devasted at the thought of this as my whole life was geared toward moving to be with him - leaving a great job, my friends, family in my home cou try, learning a new language, etc. When I asked why, all he said is that there is too much pressure, the distance, Covid (he is a pulmonogist so spends every day on the Frontline). He's realized he doesn't want a family, kids, all the responsibility. 

I cannot believe I had been blind to all he was feeling, all he was going through. He didn't mention anything at all during my trip or when we spoke but I'm guessing now that our communication though frequent, was not effective. I am so shocked by how callous the kind and thoughtful man I married has turned out to be... Saying to me 'it's done, that's it honey'. 

He texts me daily, though minimally, updating me on our pets and his health, says he misses me and wishes things could be  different. 

How do I accept something I never saw coming, how do I move on from this? I proposed some time apart (from being in constant contact anyway) , counseling, talking with our family or friends, but he refuses. He won't discuss it at all with me further, refuses to answer my questions or speak about anything related to the relationship.

How do I deal with this? 

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I think you tried some reasonable approaches and it seems like he's sure about his stance at this point, so while he may change his mind, I think you should focus on YOURSELF right now. So maybe get therapy for yourself if you think that might help and practice selfcare to get through this. So sorry this happened to you. I don't know if he had malicious intent but it sounds like maybe COVID just made him face some of his fears and it triggered him to act this way, I am not saying that it's ok but just a possibility. But there are so many other potential things that could have happened so best to focus on your own future right now and doing what's best for you. Maybe speak with him less and do things to get your life back on track so you can find your own happiness regardless of whether he's in your life in the future.

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