Worried about everything..

[Missy1]

Do others notice that they feel constantly worried, as if you are in a state of crisis? I feel this way, terrified of what lies ahead. Falling down this dark hole and I can’t stop it.

The worry that this loss means so many more issues down the road, that life is going to be a struggle to survive. Growing old alone, being sick or disabled with out our mate with whom we always assumed would be here for us. 
I am starting to take a look at what this will be like years down the road, more loss and pain yet to come. I know I cannot sustain my life as it is, financially bankrupt, I will be working till the day I die or am unable to work. These and other valid concerns create suffocating anxiety, it’s like living in a house of cards that you know will topple. When we had each other we always knew it would work out no matter what life threw at us. 
Embarking on this messed up phase in life is horrible, no one has my back like he did.

 

[steveb]

Hello Missy1, I had your exact same feelings the first few months after my wife passed even though I have wonderful and caring children, family, friends, etc.  My lovely wife and I were together constantly. She was my best friend.  The proverbial rock that I could always count on.  I’m not super religious, but I do believe in God. I started going to church a few years ago at my wife’s insistence, best thing I ever did. I need to go back again, whenever I feel ready.  For me, I’m just trying to do the best I can now, and let God handle the rest.

[Yoli]

Yes Missy, I am worried of what lies ahead too. Recently my hip has been giving me pain, someone mentioned "oh it could be arthritis, you may need a replacement". I said I can't have an operation, the response "why?". I have no one to look after me I said. There was no forthcoming, We would help, just an "Oh right". So with that I know where I stand which is alone. Not to mention that I don't actually think I need a replacement, I am 51 (52 tomorrow actually), my first birthday since Indy passed.

We were just getting to a place of comfort financially, not rolling in it but ok.

Indy always had my back and this road is now so uncertain without that solid support.

[Missy1]

@steveb we had returned to church a before he passed, it was very soothing, I absolutely believe in God, a test of faith that it will all be okay. I have not been back to church yet, maybe someday. Sometimes I feel maybe this is a test or punishment for my failures as a human. Some one told me that hard times are God’s way of purification. Either way thanks for the kind words.

[Missy1]

@Yoli I hope your hip holds out, both my Brothers had arthritis in their hips and had hip surgery in their early 50’s. I did not inherit the arthritis thankfully. 

You mentioned that your  Birthday is tomorrow, my first Birthday without him was tough, it was very hard, he used wake me with his made up Birthday song, and have a special card and gift waiting for me in the morning. I hope your Birthday goes okay, I am sure you will reflect on those special days and cherish each one, I wish you strength.

[widower2]

Yes, I have and I'm sure many of us have. I live alone and besides the loneliness itself, living in a rural area and don't really know my neighbors, about an accident of some kind too.  So I gave up juggling chain saws.  Seriously I have considered and suggest others in a similar situation consider that "life alert" thing if possible, or try to get to know someone nearby.  If you don't have family or close friends near, try to make new friends, social clubs, etc. Meetup.com may be a good place to start; they have groups of all interests and age groups seemingly everywhere these days.

[Sparky1]

I worry about being alone and getting hurt too. Yes, I have a cell phone but if I can't reach it somehow, I will be pretty helpless. At least when my wife was around she would be right there before any ambulance came. Thankfully I've been okay up to now but my knees are shot, my back is bad. I fear going to doctor's  visits where they always tell you to bring someone to drive you home. Being alone sucks big time......

[Missy1]

I think it’s so many fears, not one in particular. You are right, there are people going through this already and I am sorry, I am sensitive to their pain and anguish.
Fear just seems to dominate like never before. People like to say “you are the strongest person I know” I am not. These circumstances were forced on us. I see others on this forum who have lost even more than I, they keep going. We have no choice, 

Tomorrow I have a follow up dentist for the on going dental implant process, I dread it.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

[Gail 8588]

Missy, 

I had a great deal of anxiety for about 3 years.  An unhealthy level of anxiety.  I still have many of the same fears, but not at the intensity of those first years. 

I have frequently considered the benefit of trying to set up a Golden Girls type of living arrangement.  A group of three women living together in one home  but remaining independent, like college roommates.  Financially, it could be beneficial for all.  But it would also eliminate the loneliness and vulnerability we all feel.

I know it would not be the light-hearted sitcom of the TV show.  But I think it could work with a group of women who valued the benefits of not being alone. 

I am currently living alone, but I am evaluating some of the women I know as possible candidates for such an arrangement.  One woman I used to play bridge with just asked me to be her health care surrogate as she doesn't have any family. She was so relieved to have someone who could express her wishes if she became impaired. 

I could see myself living with her in a shared living space.  I have not raised the issue with her yet.  Just thinking about it. 

Gail

 

[Missy1]

@Gail 8588 I love this idea, I thought about taking on a roommate but I was too much of a mess in the early grief. I need to meet some people and make sure I can click with. my house is way to big and empty. I don’t know other women who have lost their spouse in my area yet. I hope to meet some new people after we can get out of our homes without fear of COVID. We cannot live the rest of our lives in solitude, thank you.

 

[KayC]

17 hours ago, Missy1 said:

no one has my back like he did.

I think that's a lot of our anxiety/worry, we know how truly on our own we are now.  As a team we could handle anything!  Alone, the burden is great.

[KayC]

Yoli, my first birthday without him was awful, he always made a big deal of it, but that year, no one even remembered it or said happy birthday to me.  I cried myself to sleep.  I hope you know that all of us here will be thinking of you and hoping you have something good in your day to hold onto.  

Steve and Missy, I too hold onto God and am glad He is here with me.  There are times I wish so much George were here to hold me though, like this little boy, I want "God with skin on."
"A little boy reached that terrifying time of day when his mother would turn out the lights in his room and leave him for the night. Afraid of the dark and of being by himself he cried out for his mother to stay. Being a woman of faith, she reassured her son that God would be with him through the night. 'But, Mama,' he cried, 'I need God with skin on!' "

[jmmosley53]

Missy,

I think everyone worries about the future to some degree.  No one is so rich that they never think about money.  As to being alone - that is sad.  I know because I am in the same circumstances.  

What we can do is to learn to rely on ourselves.  That doesn't mean you have to do everything your self.  It just means you have to get good at knowing people you can rely on to advise you as to how to get it done.  Challenge your self to do what you can then call in your chips from those people who said if there is anything you need.  Some meant it and can help; either with skills or advice.  Those that didn't mean it - well now you know.  

At least that is what I am trying to do with some success.  Is is a good thing to broaden your network.     

[Missy1]

Thank you, this is very helpful. Gives me something to focus on. Part of me wants to be more self sufficient and network, it’s hard to follow through. It feels like I lose him  more each time I do something new without him. Deep inside I want everything to stay the same. 

[Sparky1]

Just now, Missy1 said:

Deep inside I want everything to stay the same. 

Missy, so do I. I feel like my wife is still here and I don't want to upset her if I do something wrong. I'm still thinking to myself, what would she want? I always asked her opinion on something so as not to upset her. I always wanted her to be happy.

[steveb]

jimmosley53 ... great advice

[Rebootin]

Missy1,

I often feel the same way. In the last four years I have lost my father, mother, only brother, a bro-in-law, and July 2020 my wife passed away. I have two younger sisters. One is a heroin addict and the other is an alcoholic who is way over her head enabling her heroin addicted son and meth addicted daughter. Neither of my sisters think of me often. If I didn't call them we would never talk. Probably because my immediate family has never left SLC and at 17 I moved out of my parent's house (no contact with my family for at least 8 yrs)  and after graduating collage I traveled for a few years in South and Central America. When I returned to the USA I lived in CA. My sisters never knew me all that well.

But after my wife died, I am often worried about a lot of things. I'm worried about finances, keeping the housework up, shopping, being alone, and my health. I'm 66 yo and my biggest worries are my health and being alone. I can't imagine a hospital stay with no visitors. And what if something happened to me at home? Who would find me? Who would call 911? Who would care for my three dogs? Growing old alone is a very significant source of anxiety for me. Becoming disabled is almost too much for me to contemplate. It's very frustrating to be concerned about health issues and facing them alone when I need to quit smoking and drinking and start eating regularly, but since my wife's death, I am smoking more, drinking more, and I eat at least once every two to three days (sleeping is a joke).

All I can say is we all have issues to deal with and we are all doing our best, considering our depression and anxieties after losing a loved one. Hopefully, as time passes, we can all get back on track with our lives.

[KayC]

@Rebootin, wow!  That is a lot in four years!  I've lost those people and more but spread out more. It's the hardest thing in the world and for me the worst was my husband and companion dog because I was closest to them.  I am so sorry for all of your losses and hope you'll continue to come here, it helps to be able to express yourself with others that get it.  None of my family did but my mom and now she's gone too.

I agree with thee growing old alone, I'm there.  I live in the mountains of Oakridge OR so get snow and life can be hard here.  I hate winters alone esp.  Since COVID everything I've worked to build seems back to square one.

I want to share an article I wrote of the things I've found helpful over the years, in the hopes something will be of help to you either now or on down the road.

TIPS TO MAKE YOUR WAY THROUGH GRIEF

There's no way to sum up how to go on in a simple easy answer, but I encourage you to read the other threads here, little by little you will learn how to make your way through this.  I do want to give you some pointers though, of some things I've learned on my journey.

• Take one day at a time.  The Bible says each day has enough trouble of it's own, I've found that to be true, so don't bite off more than you can chew.  It can be challenging enough just to tackle today.  I tell myself, I only have to get through today.  Then I get up tomorrow and do it all over again.  To think about the "rest of my life" invites anxiety.
• Don't be afraid, grief may not end but it evolves.  The intensity lessens eventually.
• Visit your doctor.  Tell them about your loss, any troubles sleeping, suicidal thoughts, anxiety attacks.  They need to know these things in order to help you through it...this is all part of grief.
• Suicidal thoughts are common in early grief.  If they're reoccurring, call a suicide hotline.  I felt that way early on, but then realized it wasn't that I wanted to die so much as I didn't want to go through what I'd have to face if I lived.  Back to taking a day at a time.  Suicide Hotline - Call 1-800-273-8255 or www.crisis textline.org or US and Canada: text 741741 UK: text 85258 | Ireland: text 50808
• Give yourself permission to smile.  It is not our grief that binds us to them, but our love, and that continues still.
• Try not to isolate too much.  
• There's a balance to reach between taking time to process our grief, and avoiding it...it's good to find that balance for yourself.  We can't keep so busy as to avoid our grief, it has a way of haunting us, finding us, and demanding we pay attention to it!  Some people set aside time every day to grieve.  I didn't have to, it searched and found me!
• Self-care is extremely important, more so than ever.  That person that would have cared for you is gone, now you're it...learn to be your own best friend, your own advocate, practice self-care.  You'll need it more than ever.
• Recognize that your doctor isn't trained in grief, find a professional grief counselor that is.  We need help finding ourselves through this maze of grief, knowing where to start, etc.  They have not only the knowledge, but the resources.
• In time, consider a grief support group.  If your friends have not been through it themselves, they may not understand what you're going through, it helps to find someone somewhere who DOES "get it". 
• Be patient, give yourself time.  There's no hurry or timetable about cleaning out belongings, etc.  They can wait, you can take a year, ten years, or never deal with it.  It's okay, it's what YOU are comfortable with that matters.  
• Know that what we are comfortable with may change from time to time.  That first couple of years I put his pictures up, took them down, up, down, depending on whether it made me feel better or worse.  Finally, they were up to stay.
• Consider a pet.  Not everyone is a pet fan, but I've found that my dog helps immensely.  It's someone to love, someone to come home to, someone happy to see me, someone that gives me a purpose...I have to come home and feed him.  Besides, they're known to relieve stress.  Well maybe not in the puppy stage when they're chewing up everything, but there's older ones to adopt if you don't relish that stage.
• Make yourself get out now and then.  You may not feel interest in anything, things that interested you before seem to feel flat now.  That's normal.  Push yourself out of your comfort zone just a wee bit now and then.  Eating out alone, going to a movie alone or church alone, all of these things are hard to do at first.  You may feel you flunked at it, cried throughout, that's okay, you did it, you tried, and eventually you get a little better at it.  If I waited until I had someone to do things with I'd be stuck at home a lot.
• Keep coming here.  We've been through it and we're all going through this together.
• Look for joy in every day.  It will be hard to find at first, but in practicing this, it will change your focus so you can embrace what IS rather than merely focusing on what ISN'T.  It teaches you to live in the present and appreciate fully.  You have lost your big joy in life, and all other small joys may seem insignificant in comparison, but rather than compare what used to be to what is, learn the ability to appreciate each and every small thing that comes your way...a rainbow, a phone call from a friend, unexpected money, a stranger smiling at you, whatever the small joy, embrace it.  It's an art that takes practice and is life changing if you continue it.
• Eventually consider volunteering.  It helps us when we're outward focused, it's a win/win.

(((hugs))) Praying for you today.

[jmmosley53]

Rebootin,

I heard someone say if you are alone as a lot of us are, you need to find 1 person who uses some social media like Facebook Twitter, this site maybe. 

In any case, you ask that person to check and see that you have posted something everyday or every other day (it doesn't have to be a big post - just an okay will do). 

If you have not posted then they can call a number you provide that is an emergency number for you.  It could be the number for a neighbor or near by friend, or as a last resort the police to go over and do a wellness check on you.  That or get one of those 'I've fallen and can't get up devices'

[AnnRA]

I just found this site yesterday and this is my first reply.  My husband died 2 months ago, one month after diagnosis of esophagal/stomach cancer. I am totally shattered and alone. I am finding comfort in this online community. 
 

Yes, totally agree about finding one person on a site who can keep track/contact you.  I do have friends who I hope I will keep track of me, plus one dear brother who hopefully can stay clear of covid.  My “family” — my husband’s family — mostly are staying away from me, unless I contact them.....I am finding that really devastating. Has anyone else found that, about hubby’s family going to ground?  

[Missy1]

@Rebootin I hope you feel less alone here. At least we have this amazing forum with so many caring, kind people here. I certainly am grateful for everyone here.
I have thought to myself, if I won the lottery I would create a safe community where people who have lost their spouse/partner could go and live or just stay and heal for a while.

My heart breaks for all of us who are left alone. Most of just want to be around people who understand and need a hand now and then or just some understanding. I liked Gail’s idea of  rooming up with others, like a Golden Girl type of thing. But, I also really need my own space. My husband and I were in sync with the way we liked to live, just the way you grow together with your soulmate, you get set in your routines and ways.

[Missy1]

@Ann Rardin hello and welcome, this is such a special community, glad you found us, sad you needed to,.

Wanted to comment on hubby’s family, they pushed me away to. It hurts but I guess I am just a painful reminder, we had no kids so they have no reason to keep ties I guess. I just wish they were a bit kinder about it.

As for friends, I agree with Kay’s observation that one’s address book gets re-written. Couple friends are weird now, I have been discarded, I don’t care, all I cared about was my sweetie. We didn’t care if people were hateful because were had each other in our own world. 

 

[Yoli]

Missy, I had the same idea about maybe opening a house or community for people like ourselves (lottery dependent as well). A place to feel we belong. A place of common ground and support.

Oh well dreams, as they say, are free.

[KayC]

11 hours ago, jmmosley53 said:

In any case, you ask that person to check and see that you have posted something everyday

I wrote quite a while ago that I asked my son to check my FB account at the end of the day and make sure I've posted so he knows I'm okay.  He doesn't have to call me or listen to me for 1/2 hour, just make sure there's activity there.  (I'm moderator of a diabetic group so have activity there every day).  He agreed to.  If he does not see activity, he can call one of my neighbors to check on me (he lives too far away).

[KayC]

10 hours ago, Ann Rardin said:

my husband’s family — mostly are staying away from me

My husband's family disappeared after he died.  Once in a while I hear from his daughter but his siblings...silence.  It's like I didn't matter now that he's dead.  He would not have been happy to see his family and all of our friends abandon me.

10 hours ago, Ann Rardin said:

I just found this site yesterday and this is my first reply.  My husband died 2 months ago, one month after diagnosis of esophagal/stomach cancer. I am totally shattered and alone. I am finding comfort in this online community. 
 

Yes, totally agree about finding one person on a site who can keep track/contact you.  I do have friends who I hope I will keep track of me, plus one dear brother who hopefully can stay clear of covid.  My “family” — my husband’s family — mostly are staying away from me, unless I contact them.....I am finding that really devastating. Has anyone else found that, about hubby’s family going to ground?  

I am so glad you found us!  Welcome!  I am so sorry you lost your husband.    It's the hardest thing I've ever been through.  To see your husband go through this, my BIL just did three months ago, from the time we knew it metathesized to his death was five days, they were married 50 years.  He was close to me like a brother, he took complete care of my sister, so I am trying to stand in that gap now.  I think loss of spouse is definitely one of if not THE hardest we can weather.

You may have seen this already, but if not, here it is for you, this is a journey that evolves so if nothing strikes you now, it may on down the road.

 

I want to share an article I wrote of the things I've found helpful over the years, in the hopes something will be of help to you either now or on down the road.

TIPS TO MAKE YOUR WAY THROUGH GRIEF

There's no way to sum up how to go on in a simple easy answer, but I encourage you to read the other threads here, little by little you will learn how to make your way through this.  I do want to give you some pointers though, of some things I've learned on my journey.

• Take one day at a time.  The Bible says each day has enough trouble of it's own, I've found that to be true, so don't bite off more than you can chew.  It can be challenging enough just to tackle today.  I tell myself, I only have to get through today.  Then I get up tomorrow and do it all over again.  To think about the "rest of my life" invites anxiety.
• Don't be afraid, grief may not end but it evolves.  The intensity lessens eventually.
• Visit your doctor.  Tell them about your loss, any troubles sleeping, suicidal thoughts, anxiety attacks.  They need to know these things in order to help you through it...this is all part of grief.
• Suicidal thoughts are common in early grief.  If they're reoccurring, call a suicide hotline.  I felt that way early on, but then realized it wasn't that I wanted to die so much as I didn't want to go through what I'd have to face if I lived.  Back to taking a day at a time.  Suicide Hotline - Call 1-800-273-8255 or www.crisis textline.org or US and Canada: text 741741 UK: text 85258 | Ireland: text 50808
• Give yourself permission to smile.  It is not our grief that binds us to them, but our love, and that continues still.
• Try not to isolate too much.  
• There's a balance to reach between taking time to process our grief, and avoiding it...it's good to find that balance for yourself.  We can't keep so busy as to avoid our grief, it has a way of haunting us, finding us, and demanding we pay attention to it!  Some people set aside time every day to grieve.  I didn't have to, it searched and found me!
• Self-care is extremely important, more so than ever.  That person that would have cared for you is gone, now you're it...learn to be your own best friend, your own advocate, practice self-care.  You'll need it more than ever.
• Recognize that your doctor isn't trained in grief, find a professional grief counselor that is.  We need help finding ourselves through this maze of grief, knowing where to start, etc.  They have not only the knowledge, but the resources.
• In time, consider a grief support group.  If your friends have not been through it themselves, they may not understand what you're going through, it helps to find someone somewhere who DOES "get it". 
• Be patient, give yourself time.  There's no hurry or timetable about cleaning out belongings, etc.  They can wait, you can take a year, ten years, or never deal with it.  It's okay, it's what YOU are comfortable with that matters.  
• Know that what we are comfortable with may change from time to time.  That first couple of years I put his pictures up, took them down, up, down, depending on whether it made me feel better or worse.  Finally, they were up to stay.
• Consider a pet.  Not everyone is a pet fan, but I've found that my dog helps immensely.  It's someone to love, someone to come home to, someone happy to see me, someone that gives me a purpose...I have to come home and feed him.  Besides, they're known to relieve stress.  Well maybe not in the puppy stage when they're chewing up everything, but there's older ones to adopt if you don't relish that stage.
• Make yourself get out now and then.  You may not feel interest in anything, things that interested you before seem to feel flat now.  That's normal.  Push yourself out of your comfort zone just a wee bit now and then.  Eating out alone, going to a movie alone or church alone, all of these things are hard to do at first.  You may feel you flunked at it, cried throughout, that's okay, you did it, you tried, and eventually you get a little better at it.  If I waited until I had someone to do things with I'd be stuck at home a lot.
• Keep coming here.  We've been through it and we're all going through this together.
• Look for joy in every day.  It will be hard to find at first, but in practicing this, it will change your focus so you can embrace what IS rather than merely focusing on what ISN'T.  It teaches you to live in the present and appreciate fully.  You have lost your big joy in life, and all other small joys may seem insignificant in comparison, but rather than compare what used to be to what is, learn the ability to appreciate each and every small thing that comes your way...a rainbow, a phone call from a friend, unexpected money, a stranger smiling at you, whatever the small joy, embrace it.  It's an art that takes practice and is life changing if you continue it.
• Eventually consider volunteering.  It helps us when we're outward focused, it's a win/win.

(((hugs))) Praying for you today.

[Zee24]

15 hours ago, Missy1 said:

@Ann Rardin hello and welcome, this is such a special community, glad you found us, sad you needed to,.

Wanted to comment on hubby’s family, they pushed me away to. It hurts but I guess I am just a painful reminder, we had no kids so they have no reason to keep ties I guess. I just wish they were a bit kinder about it.

As for friends, I agree with Kay’s observation that one’s address book gets re-written. Couple friends are weird now, I have been discarded, I don’t care, all I cared about was my sweetie. We didn’t care if people were hateful because were had each other in our own world. 

 

I don’t think it’s about having kids. Pretty sure they would have cold shouldered the kids too. After my fathers passing, most of his family stopped contact. Like all of it. I guess when the common denominator disappears, people see no point in continuing. Also the few that did maintain contact, the conversation is very limited and stilted because there’s really nothing to be said. The camaraderie, the love disappears. I was also annoyed at them because they expected me to immediately be interested in hearing about their grandkids and kids. For them, it was just something that happened one day and back to the old conversation. They didn’t make allowances for the fact that my life had been ripped apart because theres hasn’t been. 

[KayC]

So many don't grasp that.  They immediately go to commonplace things and don't realize we can't hear it.  To us, everything else pales in comparison!  Our world is upside down and it seems they want to talk about things that are inconsequential!  I was still trying to grasp how the sun could go on shining!  I did not see how other people's lives could just go on when mine was beyond shattered!

[Rebootin]

@KayC   I also live in the mountains, but in WA. Life is funny. My wife, Paula, and I wanted out of the city life so we bought a nice house we called our "retirement house" up in the Cascades. It was nice and peaceful with lots of wildlife and few neighbors. It was\is heaven. My wife was able to enjoy it for five years. She passed away in the house while I was doing CPR waiting for the Paramedics to get here. Now this "slice of heaven" can sometimes feel like a very lonely "slice of hell".

As for her family... I noticed that the sicker Paula got, the more her family pulled away. Including her two kids. At the time she passed away, we had not heard from anyone for two years. When I was making "that phone call", you know the ones we've all had to make, Paula's family wouldn't return my calls so I had no choice but to leave them all a message that their daughter - sister - mother had died. I still haven't heard from anyone in her family nor do I expect to. So f*** them all!

[Sparky1]

I don't understand how the family rejected their own blood. How can people be so callous and uncaring for someone that went through a lot and passed away. I don't blame you for being upset, but I'm sure it has hurt you very much. I'm just shaking my head.

[Rebootin]

@Sparky1

Ya... I don't understand either. I sometimes just sit and wonder how people can do what they do to their own family. You know, my older brother and I never got along. At my dad's funeral dinner he made sure to tell everyone that I was a drug addicted drug dealer. Well,,, that was fifteen years earlier. I had cleaned up and got out of that life. But my bro knew everyone at the dinner was Mormon like my parents so he knew how that would be received. That was him getting back at me for refusing to go over the Mexico border and buy his opioids (I was living in San Diego at the time). So my wife and I packed up and left that same day.

After he died I drove 36 - 40 hours to SLC to get to his funeral (in December - Xmas on the road).

HE WAS BLOOD! I went to pay my respects to my bro and to offer any help I could to his wife and six kids.

Then I look at the way my wife's family is and all I can say is WTF.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

i

[KayC]

16 hours ago, Rebootin said:

I still haven't heard from anyone in her family nor do I expect to.

Wow!  Unreal!  How can anyone be so uncaring!!  

I hope it gets better for you living there, everything is a trigger at first, but I find comfort being here where I raised my kids, where George and I lived out the best years of our life...yes life, it doesn't seem like we had two lives but one.  I can see/hear the ghosts of the past now here, but to me that's better than being somewhere that he never was.

I, too, am in the Cascades, 2500 ft, I hope you don't get too much snow!  Always a concern of mine...2/24/19 we got 4'5" overnight, unpredicted!  It froze to 19 and you could not budge it.  The electricity/water out over 8 days.  Phone out 18 days, no internet, of course.  Refrigerator food went bad, I couldn't get to my coolers in the storage building because of the snow.  Was worried about not having food.  Didn't want to open the freezer for fear it'd go bad too.  I keep a sugar free Dilly bar in the top of the chest freezer to this day to see how warm it got, it never melted!  Just bought a generlink & generator so if it ever happens again, I'm more prepared.  It was horrid hearing the trees crashing down all around me for three nights in the pitch black, never knowing if one would crash down on me or my dog.  Never felt so isolated and cut off from the world!  Neighbors checked on me about three days later, so did my son, he had to take off work three days to do so, the highway was closed so he couldn't get through at first, had to take a convoy up the next day, staying the night in the next town over.  He shoveled my roof and helped a few others clear my driveway, a collective effort of about six of us!  I'm glad I had Arlie to go through it with but was so worried about him (my dog, he's since died).  Trees covered my driveways, landed on my fence, debris, branches, trees everywhere in my front yard.  Took out my apple trees!  I had to clear the whole mess by myself, using leverage to get it to a burn pile, fortunately none of them too terribly thick, but very heavy to drag!  Took me one to two months but I got it done!  I hope never to see anything like that again.  I got 6' of snow once but I was young then, although pregnant, couldn't shovel.  It's not like city life, that's for sure!  In Eugene people complain if they get 5"!

10 hours ago, Rebootin said:

After he died I drove 36 - 40 hours to SLC to get to his funeral (in December - Xmas on the road).

HE WAS BLOOD! I went to pay my respects to my bro and to offer any help I could to his wife and six kids

That's the moral difference between you and them.  You take the high road and do the right thing.  Kudos to you!  I agree, blood is blood, but when they behave like your wife's family is, I'd be good and done with them, I feel sometimes we have to protect our well being.  We can forgive and move on from them, but that doesn't mean rolling over and letting people walk on us again!

I'm so sorry that is your experience.  At least three of George's siblings (one of 11 but one was already dead) came to his funeral, all but one lived close enough but didn't bother, his own dad didn't even come even though offered a ride!  No accounting for family sometimes, I'm just glad he wasn't like them, he was the most caring person I ever met.

 

[steveb]

I’m so sorry for your loss and pain Rebootin. To have the family act in that way is unconscionable.  What matters most is that you loved and cared for your wife and vice versa. God bless